The Priority of Morning

As you know by now, I'm in the middle of trying to write a book.  I started writing it towards the end of last year.  I really figured that it would have been done by now.  There have been several reasons why it has been taking me so long to write.

Some of the delay had to due with the fear of getting started.  Those old fears that we all face.  The ones that tell us we aren't hearing the Lord correctly.  The ones that convince us that we aren't enough.  Those lies that tell us that it won't even be worth it.  God was patient with me in the midst of my fears.  He walked with me as we worked through each of those fears and lies.

I finally faced my fears and reached out to my prayer warriors to lift me up as I was writing.  I started gaining traction but it wasn't going as quickly as I would like.  I kept running in to one particular roadblock, the heat of the day.

I would start each morning with the best of intentions.  I would get up in the morning with a plan to work, make dinner, and then write later in the evening.  My work day would start and I would find myself putting out fire after fire.  A lot of my co-workers live in Arizona.  They come on later in the day and I would find myself working with them well into the evening.  I would suddenly realize what time it was and would jump off the computer to try to get dinner on the table.  Most of the time, after sitting at my desk for 9 or 10 hours, the last thing I wanted to do was go back and sit in the office to write my book.  I would convince myself that tomorrow would be different.  Tomorrow, I would make myself get off on time and then I would write.  Invariably,  tomorrow would come and the day would get away from me once again.

I was so frustrated at not making any progress.  Then I read the devotional for day one in Priscilla Schirer's new 90 day devotional called Awaken.  It's called Morning.  She was talking about how the heat of the day's trials can melt us in our tracks.  It causes our strength and our resolve to disappear. She compared our energy to the manna that God provided the Israelites.  They knew that they had to make the gathering of manna a priority in the morning before the sun melted it away.  If they faithfully gathered the manna first thing in the morning, they would have all that they needed to meet the day's needs.  If they didn't, they would struggle to survive the day and would have to wait until the next morning to get their daily bread.
 

This illustration made me realize that my priorities were wrong.  If I put my quiet time with God and my writing at the end of the day, the heat of the day would melt away all of my energy.  God and the things He has specifically asked me to do, needed to be a priority.  So now, I start my morning with my quiet time and then I set aside an hour for writing.  This allows me to do the things that matter most.  It has also made the writing easier as my mind is renewed and refreshed first thing in the morning.

Changing the structure of my day has not only changed the speed of my work on my book.  It has changed the amount of peace that I have throughout my day.   I'm no longer dealing with feeling bad at the end of the day for not accomplishing what I had set out to do. I end the day feeling proud that I've worked towards my goals.  My dear friend Jeanne has been preaching about a morning quiet time for as long as I can remember and seeing it compared to manna helped me to see why.

Is there something in your life that should be getting the priority of your morning?  Would life be a little easier if you re-aligned some things?  It's definitely worth looking into.

Whooah, I'm Half Way There

Today I reached a milestone that has been a long time coming.  Many years ago, the seed was planted in my heart to write a book.  Over the years, I have had hundreds of people say to me, "Holly, you should write a book."  I've always just laughed it off.  I knew that I had some crazy stories to tell about my life but I didn't know the first thing about writing a book.

Towards the end of last year, my friend Anna was celebrating the anniversary of the finishing of her book.  I told her that in honor of her, I would start writing mine.  According to Anna, to officially start a book, you need to save a Word Doc with a working title and at least 3 sentences.  I wrote 700 words.  Then not another word after it until the end of May.  That's  when I realized that the only thing holding me back was fear.

God has shown me a glimpse of the path ahead for me and a lot of His plan relies on me begin obedient and writing this book.  I prayed about it, I cried about it.  I realized that I was just scared. So I leaned on the battle plan that my friend Andrea had helped me to put into place.  I increased my quiet time with the Lord and I reached out to my prayer warriors and asked them to storm the gates on my behalf.  

With that, I was able to move forward.  There have been a few hiccups along the way where my attempt to put words to things caused me some emotional distress.  It is one thing to share the story with a trusted friend and it is a whole other thing to write it in such a way that the reader feels like they are right there in the room with you.  More than anything, writing has been incredibly healing for me.

God has been with me through every word.  Friday morning, I was writing about the moment in 5th grade when the seed was planted in my heart that if God was truly a God who loved me, He would protect me. Since He wasn't protecting me, He must not love me. If God IS love and He wasn't loving me with His protection, than I must not be lovable.

While I was writing, trying to put into words exactly what it felt like at that moment to my 10 year old self, I began to weep. God was showing me the exact moment when that thought that has plagued me my entire life was planted into my heart.  As I was crying, I could feel the Lord whispering over me, I was right there, I was right there, I was right there. I know you couldn't see me in the midst of the pain Holly, but I never left you, I was right there.

I finished writing the paragraph and I hit save as it was time for me to clock in for work. I closed the file and at that moment, I received a text from a dear friend of mine who lives 1300 miles away. The text was a link to a sermon that she had just watched that she thought I needed to listen to. You guys....when I saw the title of the sermon, the tears came again. The Sermon was titled, "It's Not What It Looks Like: He's With You Always." God is so incredibly good to love us the way He does.

Today, I hit the halfway mark.  My friend Anna told me that the average book is about 50,000 words and today I passed 25,000.  I am proud of the work that I have put in to getting my story out of my head and onto paper.  It is a story of abandonment, abuse, generational curses, grief, loss, forgiveness, and redemption.  I can't wait to finish it.  

People keep asking me what's going to happen next.  Will I self-publish my book or will I try to find a publisher?  Honestly, I've tried not to think too much about it.  I've been learning over the past few years not to try to finish God's sentences.  I am trying to focus on the next right thing that God has asked me to do, knowing that He will make the connections for His will to be carried out.  No matter what that looks like. 

When I was back home, I talked to some friends about how I had asked God why it seemed like every time that I thought I could see the finish line,  He moved the target.  God had let me know that it was because He didn't want me to be striving towards a goal instead of living for today.  My friend Jennie piped up and said, "I don't think we are meant to know where the finish line is, we are just supposed to run the best possible race."  As I finish out the next 25,000 words, my prayer is that

God would give me the words to effectively bring the new good news of His grace.  Will you join me in that prayer as I continue on my journey?

Who Has He Proven Himself to Be?

I am a fan of Facebook.  I have been using it to keep up or catch up with friends for almost 9 years.  It has been a lifesaver to me after moving 1300 miles away from everyone I love.  I don't feel like I am completely missing out.   When I have prayer needs or a funny story to share, I can share it with the masses with one post.  There are a lot of good things about social media, but not all things are good.

I am a member of several groups on Facebook.  In one particular group, there was a misunderstanding about the actions that one of the figureheads of the group had taken. We will call her Sally.   Sally was posting things on her own social media that didn't line up with what we knew to be true based on conversations she had been having with those in the group.  It had appeared that Sally had intentionally lied to the group for her own personal gain.  It started with one person who noticed the discrepancy and they posted it in the group.  Then someone else commented on it saying that Sally was acting shady and something wasn't lining up.  It was a like a wildfire.  Within a matter of hours, accusations were being flung back and forth and the very character of this woman was being called into question over and over again.  There was no giving Sally the benefit of the doubt. People were demanding answers.

I sat back and watched this happening. I completely understood why all of these ladies were feeling hurt and betrayed based on what we were seeing but something wasn't sitting right with me.  By all appearances, we had been betrayed, but that betrayal didn't line up with who Sally had already proven herself to be.

We all know some people in our worlds who can pull off some pretty shady stuff.  When they act out or do something hurtful, we aren't really surprised.  They have a history of flying off the handle, or putting their needs before everyone else, or doing things to hurt others.  That wasn't the case with Sally.  Sally was someone we considered a friend.  Sally has always been genuine and authentic, sharing her heart with others.  Time and time again she has done the right thing, even in situations where it was going to cost her dearly.  She has personally loved on a number of us in the group and given us wisdom and guidance through her words.  So what I was seeing unfold before me just didn't make any sense.

I jumped into the middle of the group chat and mentioned that I was sure that Sally didn't intentionally do the things that she was being accused of and that Sally would be devastated when she got on-line and realize how much she had unintentionally hurt everyone.   I explained that I could understand why everyone had felt betrayed.  Even I wanted to know why everything had gone down the way that it did.  However, with no actual information and only what had been posted on social media, I reminded them of the importance of focusing on who Sally had already proven herself to be to us.

Now, you might think this blog post is about how things are so easily misinterpreted through social media, texts, emails and how nothing beats a good face to face communication.  While this is true, you would be wrong.  This is a blog post about how God hit me right upside the head with my own words.  He likes to do that to me from time to time.

As I was driving back to Florida, I was thinking about how quickly everyone in the group turned on Sally.  By the way, Sally was devastated.  It was all a misunderstanding.  Sally has apologized to the group numerous times and we are all back to loving each other again.  Anyway, I was thinking about how with one little action that didn't line up with what they thought should be happening, they turned against Sally and called into question the very nature of who she is.  I was driving and thinking about how glad I was that I didn't jump on that bandwagon.  I was feeling pretty prideful.  How many know that God can humble us very quickly?    God whispered every so gently to my soul, "How is that any different than the way you treat me?"  Ouch!!

God began to reveal to me how time and time again when things don't work out the way that I think they should, that one of my first reactions is to call into question the very nature of God.  He is so mean for allowing this to happen to me.  God must not love me or He wouldn't allow me to suffer this way. He doesn't care about me or He wouldn't ask me to do this hard thing.  I turn on Him so quickly.  I don't wait for clarity or an explanation.  I don't give God the chance to show me things from His perspective.

I need to be able to give God the same grace that I gave Sally.  When something doesn't look right and all appearances would have me believe that God is not looking out for me, I need to rely on who He has already proven Himself to be.  He has proven that He loves me, unconditionally.  Even when I pull away from Him, He works to woo me back.  To bring me in close so He can comfort me and heal me.  He encourages me.  He gives me the strength to keep going when I think the pain of something is too much.  He consistently works things out for my good in a way that I know it could have only come from God.  He is faithful to me.  To paraphrase Max Lucado, God has proven himself, now it's my job to trust Him.  May I never forget it.

How Have You Decided To Be With Him?

Well hello there!  Did you miss me?  I've missed writing in my blog.  Life has been such a busy whirlwind since I came back from Anna's book launch in Dallas that I haven't had time to get my thoughts into words.  If you don't know what book launch I'm talking about, read the post just before this one.

Back in early April, I had a conversation with a friend back home about some things going on in my world and I was telling her about how I didn't feel like I could share it with a lot of people because they wouldn't understand.  I told her how the conversation could get messy and I was afraid that trying to explain things would just be too hard.  In the same breath, I was explaining to my friend that it was super hard not being able to share and it made me feel lonely.  My friend talked with me for quite some time and I left the talk feeling much better.  The next day, my friend sent me an email that profoundly impacted me.  With her permission, I would like to share some of what she said.

She was explaining the concept of "equanimity" to me.  It is a concept she is learning in a Buddhism class she is taking.  Her favorite way it has been described to her is as follows:

We have these eight "worldly winds" blowing in our minds (pleasure, pain, gain, loss, praise, blame, fame, shame) and equanimity is the protection from the winds.  They describe a mountain's experience of rain and snow - it isn't that you don't feel the wind and snow, it isn't that you try to stop the rain, it's that you remain unmoved by them.  You're not going to be kicked around or run around in circles every time the wind blows- you maintain a bigger perspective that helps you think clearly and do the right things in life, in spite of the weather of the day.

When I first read that paragraph, all I could think was that I want to be that mountain.  Feeling the wind, snow, and rain but standing unmoved.  Unmoved, in spite of the weather of the day.  It reminded me of the following Pema Chodron quote:

I can stand unmovable, unshakable when I remember that God is the sky.  Everything else is just what life throws at me.  It is the uncontrollable force of nature and I can choose to be knocked down in the wind or I can choose to stand on the truth of who I am and whose I am.    That wasn't really the message she was trying to share with me though. It was just so good that I thought I should share it with you too. 

She went on to talk about an exercise that caused her to take a look at some of the relationships in her life.  The exercise called for her to visualize a pure friend, a pure enemy, and a complete stranger.  She was to think about her feelings for each person and then think about how each person could become any of the other people.  Friends can become enemies, strangers can become friends, etc.  She talked about how I am a friend that is not evenly swirled.  I stand firmly in the friend category.  It was her explanation of why that is, that impacted me so deeply.

"I think the reason you more clearly represent one thing to me is because of how I have decided to be with you.  I told you in the beginning that if you were looking for something other than my friendship - if you're leading me to Jesus - you're going to be disappointed.  You responded with such respect and clear thinking that it made it...ok to be myself.  You're friend because of who you are and because of who I have decided to be with you.

So I was thinking that your hesitation in talking to your friends makes sense because it could get messy and now might not be the right time.....but it's out of line with your posture, this isn't the body language you keep with people you bring into your life, and you need to find some way to stand more confidently in your life with the people you love - Holly, I know what's it like to be around you - I'm confident that you actually have far more love than you realize.   

I think your fear of your friends may have more to with your decision of who to be toward them than the feelings they hold in their hearts."

There are absolutely no words for how much my friend's words spoke to my heart.  I was so honored that she can see pure friendship in her relationship with me.  I always want people to feel like they can be their true authentic self with me.  I so needed to be reminded that the way that I was handling the situation was completely out of line with my character.  I am glad she wasn't afraid to call me out on the things she was seeing in my behavior.   I prayed over her comments.  I asked the Lord to show me where I was choosing to be something other than my authentic self.  I  made some phone calls, sent some texts, and kicked off an email or two to some of my closest friends because the truth is, I know who loves me.  I just needed to be reminded.

God showed me not only where I was walking in fear in my relationships with other people but He also caused me to look at how I was choosing to be with Him.  God has been showing me over and over again how much He loves me.  He has been asking for more of my time.  He has been showing me so very clearly how He is putting connections in place for me to be able to fulfill the desires of my heart.  He has been lavishing His love on me and I have been standing back, pretending like I don't need it and don't want it.  I have been playing hard to get.  Not on purpose, it's just how I've chosen to be with Him.  Protective..guarded...afraid.  What if I receive this love He is pouring out and then He breaks my heart?  I have learned over the years that love hurts.  He is patiently and gently convincing me that His love doesn't hurt...it heals.  

Ever so slowly, I am shifting the way that I choose to be towards Him.  I no longer want to be standoffish towards Him.  I want to climb up in His lap and let Him comfort me.  I want to surrender to the things He is asking me to do, willingly, and not fight Him every step of the way.  I want to trust that He knows what's best for me and will direct my steps, if I will just listen.  I want to quit pretending that I don't hear Him when He is specifically asking things of me.  I want to change the way that I've been towards Him.  

I thought maybe some of you might need to consider my friend's very thoughtful words.  How have you decided to be with your friends, with your family, with God?  Are you pretending to be strong when you are feeling weak?  Are you pretending you are okay when you're really not?  Are you pretending that you can handle life on your own?  Ask God to show you where your behavior is out of line with the person that God has created you to be.  You might just be surprised at what you find out.  

He Sees The Whole Parade

Have ya'll ever seen this picture?

I feel like this picture sums up my relationship with God over the past several years.  You see, I gave my life to Christ back in 1998.  I started reading my bible, and studying His word.  I started doing "Christian" things.  I stopped doing all of the things that Christians don't do.  I started "acting" like a Christian.  

From that moment on, God has been in a relentless pursuit to have all of me.  In between 2006 and 2009, God used some amazing people in my church to help me begin to see that there was a HUGE difference between giving my life to God and inviting Him into mine.  I no longer wanted to "act" like a Christian, I wanted to be one. I wanted a deeper relationship with Christ.  I began to seek God's will in every aspect of my day to day life.

I have learned that seeking God's will is pretty easy to do when God is busy blessing your face off.  When He is orchestrating every move of your career and shooting you up the corporate ladder so fast that it's like you have a jet pack strapped to your back.  It is pretty easy to seek God's will when God is blessing you with deep friendships that speak life to you.  It is pretty easy when you have all of the money you need to live a comfortable life.  When giving to those in need costs you nothing.

In relation to the picture above, it was like God had already given me the giant teddy bear.  For the past few years, it has felt like the picture above is backwards.  It has felt like God is trying to take away my big teddy bear and give me something less.  It totally makes sense that it would feel that way.  God asked me to give up the corporate life, and showed me the job He had for me.  I am now in a job making less than I was making right out of high school.  

I think one of the reasons that the picture has felt backwards is because I haven't willingly given Him any of it.  He began showing me several years ago, even before moving to Florida, that the corporate life was never going to satisfy my soul.  He asked me to give it up.  He said, "Just trust me."  I said, "But I love it, God.  I love feeling important.  I love traveling around the world. I love having enough money to do whatever I want."  So, He let me keep my little teddy bear....for a while. Until it almost destroyed me.....and then God, very gently, pried that teddy bear right out of my hands by way of a layoff.  God really does know us well.  Not only did I get laid off but I got laid off right before a spine surgery with a three month recovery period.  This took away any chance I had to jump right back into a  corporate job.  It provided the time that He was going to need to work on my heart, and my pride. 

God simply refused to let me hang on to the things that I thought I wanted.  It would have been so much easier if I would've just given it to Him but I just couldn't.  I didn't trust that what He had planned for me was going to be so much better.  I didn't have the faith to see the HUGE teddy bear behind His back.  The truth is, I still can't see it...but I know it's there.  I am learning to trust Him.  I am learning that He loves me.  I am learning that He can see much more than I can from where I'm standing. 

Is there something in your life that God is asking you to hand to Him?  Is there a job He is asking you to leave?  Is there a friendship He is asking you to lay down at His feet?  Is there a resentment that you are clinging to?  Is there a hurt you won't give Him?   Whatever it is friend, please trust Him with it.  He has better things in store for you.

After all, He sees the whole parade.    (song by Go Fish)