I was listening to the Sidewalk Prophets song "Keep Making Me" on my way in this morning. I had the windows down and the radio up really loud. I was singing my guts out (as I do when I'm by myself). Suddenly, for every line of the song I would sing, I would hear God whispering back to me. It went something like this:
Singing: Make me empty so I can be filled
God: "Is that really what you want, Holly? Do you really want me to empty you so I can fill you back up?"
Me: "Yes, I think so. I mean, I'm pretty filled up with you now so a little emptying wouldn't hurt so much"
Singing: Make me lonely, So I can be Yours
God: "Do you really want to be lonely, Holly? You've been feeling lonely lately, you don't seem to like it"
Me: "No, I don't really like it. I don't like being lonely at all. I really miss my friends and family and it's been pretty hard."
Singing: 'Til You are my one desire, 'Til You are my one true love, 'Til You are my breath, my everything, Lord, please keep making me"
God: "Do you understand Holly? If you really want me to change you into the person I need you to be, it's going to hurt but I'll be there.
Me: "But I'm never going to get there. I am never going to get to the place where You are my everything. I mean, I want to..but that's not realistic."
God: "I have already made you into more than you could have ever imagined. I have used you in ways that you still don't know. You are seeking perfection and setting expectations for what I'm doing in your life. Just rest in who I am."
Now that I've had some time to reflect this morning, I feel like God is telling me to quit trying to help Him break me. I know that sounds crazy but I want so desperately for Him to be all I need that I sometimes make it harder on myself. I beat myself up because I didn't spend enough time praying this morning. I got up an hour earlier than I needed to (If you know me at all, you know that I DON'T do mornings), so I could go sit on the back porch and read the Word and spend some quiet time with the Lord. Then when I got in the shower, I started kicking myself because I forgot to lift some needs up in prayer while I was out there. I don't need to beat down and break myself. I need to be confident and sure about who I am and whose I am. If I beat myself up for not doing it the "right" way then my time with the Lord will become an act of obligation and not out of my heart's desire to be closer to Him.
I feel like this post is a bit rambling this morning, but I am trusting that God will make sense of it for whoever needs to read it.
