In many ways, it feels like God has picked me up and put me back to where I was 15 years ago. It's like He is giving me a do over. He has been asking me to finally trust Him. He wants me to place my entire life in His hands and trust HIM to guide my steps. He has been revealing to me how much of my life has been influenced by the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others. So many decisions in my life have been an attempt to make others feel better; to make them proud; to fit in; to feel loved; to be enough; to not be too much. So much so, that along the way, I lost myself. I lost the person that God had created and redeemed me to be.
I didn't know what 2018 was going to hold. So much life change was coming at me so quickly. I spent a lot of time on my knees, begging God to show me how this was all going to turn out. I wanted to know that this path I was walking down wasn't going to kill me. I wanted to know that the pain that I was feeling wouldn't last forever. I wanted all the answers but God wanted me to trust Him.
With each step last year, God kept laying it on my heart to "do the next right thing." He didn't want me worried about what was ahead. He wanted me to focus on the next step in the process and not think about the millions of other things that would come down the road. He would give me guidance and direction for the very next step, and nothing more. I would have to trust that the direction He was guiding me in, was for my good.
When all of the hurt, struggle, and pain became too overwhelming, God sent me a song. He knows that one of my love languages is music. He knew this song would speak to me. I heard Christa Wells sing at an Ellie Holcomb concert in April. Her new album had just released and Ellie let her sing her song called Velveteen. She wasn't even finished singing before I looked her up on Spotify and downloaded her new album. Later that night, as I was listening through the album, I stumbled across the song One Day Tears ran down my face as her song put words to what God had been trying to show me.
I didn't need to try to swallow the ocean. I just needed to take it one day, one breath, one prayer, one step, and one hope at a time. I have listened to that song at least a thousand times in the past year. I have shared it with others more times than I can count. It is a constant reminder for me to not try to get ahead of God and His plans for me. All I need to do is simply lay my life at His feet every single day.
My favorite part of the song is where she sings:
Oh, I see you laughing on the other side
Where the walls have tumbled and the flowers grow wild
Oh, I see you laughing on the other side
With your broken heart under open sky
It reminded me that life wasn't always going to be this hard. That the heaviness I was feeling wasn't going to last forever. If I kept taking it one day, one breath, and one prayer at a time..I was going to come out on the other side. That I would find joy again. That I would find laughter. That I would find happiness.
I have no idea what 2019 will bring. I don't need to know. I will keep my eyes fixed on the One who made me and I will take it one step at a time. I am excited to see where He leads me.
