My first loss was my step-dad who died when I was 15 to a long hard battle against cancer. Just a short month later, we lost my Great Grandpa Holly (yes, the one I'm named after) to a long hard fight again cancer as well. The losses in my life have come at regular intervals since then. Sometimes I'll get lucky and go a year or two without losing someone I care about. I have attended more funerals than I care to sit here and count. I have lost Grandparents, co-workers, friends, family, family friends, my dad, my friends' dads. Some in their 20's, some in their 30's, some who had a super long life. Some were expected, and some absolutely took our breath away.
The loss I want to talk about today, is the loss that I suffered at the age of 22, exactly 19 years ago today. This was the loss that taught me, and continues to teach me, everything that I never wanted to know about grief. My oldest brother, who had been my very best friend for my entire life, died in a car accident at the age of 26, right before my very eyes. I will spare you the details of the anguish and torment that was a constant companion for the year following his death. I poured myself into the bottle to numb it all away but every time I would sober up, the deep loss was there. I couldn't sleep, I could barely breathe. I didn't want to live and the only thing that kept me marching on was the promise that I had made to my brother the night before he died. If you don't know the story, I wrote about part of it here.
In the midst of my great sadness, God captured my heart. He met me right where I was in the darkest place I'd ever been and He let me bring every hard memory and minute of heartbreak to Him. He was everything that I never knew I needed. God started to slowly show me that I could honor my brother by the way I lived my life. He was such a kind, caring, and loving guy. His laugh would fill a room. He loved kids, especially his own. I knew that he wouldn't want me to get stuck in my grief...he would want me to love like he did. Laugh like he did. So that's what I got busy doing. I've been told I have a contagious smile and every time I smile at someone and they smile back, I think of my brother. I often wonder if he can see me from up in heaven. I know that if he can, he would be proud of the life I've lived and the love that I've shared.
As anyone who has suffered a great loss knows, it really does get easier over time. You go from crying every minute of every day, to several times a day, to several times a week, to a few times a month, to a couple of times a year. The loss never goes away....EVER...but it does get easier. One of my favorite quotes on grief is this one by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
There are quite a few people in my circle of friends who are grieving losses of their own. I just want to remind them , we don't grieve things that we didn't love. I found myself in tears the other day, seeing this date on the calendar. I reached out to a friend and asked , "It's been 19 years...why does it still have to hurt this much??" She replied with a reminder of the truth, "Because you love so deeply." I do love deeply and if that means that I have to grieve deeply, then so be it.
