Since we had five days together with little to no agenda, except for sitting on the beach under our umbrellas and eating some amazing food, we had plenty of time for the sharing of our stories. I loved getting to know more about each and every one of them. Some talked more than others but I was able to get know each one of the other nine ladies better than I had known them before. We had women ranging from the 30 range to almost 70. We all had so much to learn from each other.
As you can imagine, I shared a lot of stories. I shared stories that made us all laugh and stories that made some eyes leak. I shared stories of my life before I met Jesus and I shared stories of all that He has done for me since I met Him. Through tears, I even shared the story of that horrific day when I first heard the voice of God. The day that God would use to capture my heart forever.
One theme that I noticed in a lot of my stories was how I don't readily move when God asks me to do something. Isaiah 30:21 says "Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it". So imagine if you will that I hear this voice and my response is nope. Holly, I want you to walk this way and forgive your Dad. Nope. Holly, I want you to work for this small company that needs your exact skill set. Nope. When God asks me to do something that I know is going to make me uncomfortable, my first reaction is usually nope.
I have been lucky, as God has made many paths clear on my journey to where I am today. Obviously, there are many times that I am just walking in the direction that He last told me to walk, like now. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know that the last things that He told me were to work at HERO and to write my book. So I am currently walking that out until He tells me what's next. I am trying to walk in a manner worthy of the calling He has placed on my life, but it is hard sometimes.
I came home from the beach weekend filled to overflowing. I also came back with a renewed focus on getting back to doing my bible study in the morning. As Priscilla Shirer and I were having a chat about The Armor of God, her words sucker punched me. She said, "Like a teenager who dutifully cleans his room because he's told to, yet does it with a seething anger and distaste for his parents, we sometimes obey God on the outside while simmering in disobedience on the inside."
As I read those words, I remembered all of the times over the past weekend when NOPE to God was part of my story. My issue wasn't a seething anger or a distaste for God, but I had definitely been doing one thing on the outside and feeling a whole other thing on the inside. God will eventually convince me to follow the path He is trying to lead me down, but on the inside, I am doubting His goodness. I am doubting His plan. I am doubting His love for me. Surely if He loved me He wouldn't take me down this hard path. Just like the teenager, I am being obedient because God said so, not because I want to.
I know God's ways are good. I know He is faithful. He has proven Himself time and time again. He knows what He is doing in my life. His path always makes sense after the fact. My prayer is that God will continue to work on my heart so that my outside matches my inside. I want to immediately walk in obedience with a joy filled heart, knowing how lucky I am to have Him direct my path. I want to immediately trust that His plans are better than mine. Most importantly, I want all of my nopes to become yeps.
