Back in early April, I had a conversation with a friend back home about some things going on in my world and I was telling her about how I didn't feel like I could share it with a lot of people because they wouldn't understand. I told her how the conversation could get messy and I was afraid that trying to explain things would just be too hard. In the same breath, I was explaining to my friend that it was super hard not being able to share and it made me feel lonely. My friend talked with me for quite some time and I left the talk feeling much better. The next day, my friend sent me an email that profoundly impacted me. With her permission, I would like to share some of what she said.
She was explaining the concept of "equanimity" to me. It is a concept she is learning in a Buddhism class she is taking. Her favorite way it has been described to her is as follows:
We have these eight "worldly winds" blowing in our minds (pleasure, pain, gain, loss, praise, blame, fame, shame) and equanimity is the protection from the winds. They describe a mountain's experience of rain and snow - it isn't that you don't feel the wind and snow, it isn't that you try to stop the rain, it's that you remain unmoved by them. You're not going to be kicked around or run around in circles every time the wind blows- you maintain a bigger perspective that helps you think clearly and do the right things in life, in spite of the weather of the day.
When I first read that paragraph, all I could think was that I want to be that mountain. Feeling the wind, snow, and rain but standing unmoved. Unmoved, in spite of the weather of the day. It reminded me of the following Pema Chodron quote:
I can stand unmovable, unshakable when I remember that God is the sky. Everything else is just what life throws at me. It is the uncontrollable force of nature and I can choose to be knocked down in the wind or I can choose to stand on the truth of who I am and whose I am. That wasn't really the message she was trying to share with me though. It was just so good that I thought I should share it with you too.
She went on to talk about an exercise that caused her to take a look at some of the relationships in her life. The exercise called for her to visualize a pure friend, a pure enemy, and a complete stranger. She was to think about her feelings for each person and then think about how each person could become any of the other people. Friends can become enemies, strangers can become friends, etc. She talked about how I am a friend that is not evenly swirled. I stand firmly in the friend category. It was her explanation of why that is, that impacted me so deeply.
"I think the reason you more clearly represent one thing to me is because of how I have decided to be with you. I told you in the beginning that if you were looking for something other than my friendship - if you're leading me to Jesus - you're going to be disappointed. You responded with such respect and clear thinking that it made it...ok to be myself. You're friend because of who you are and because of who I have decided to be with you.
So I was thinking that your hesitation in talking to your friends makes sense because it could get messy and now might not be the right time.....but it's out of line with your posture, this isn't the body language you keep with people you bring into your life, and you need to find some way to stand more confidently in your life with the people you love - Holly, I know what's it like to be around you - I'm confident that you actually have far more love than you realize.
I think your fear of your friends may have more to with your decision of who to be toward them than the feelings they hold in their hearts."
There are absolutely no words for how much my friend's words spoke to my heart. I was so honored that she can see pure friendship in her relationship with me. I always want people to feel like they can be their true authentic self with me. I so needed to be reminded that the way that I was handling the situation was completely out of line with my character. I am glad she wasn't afraid to call me out on the things she was seeing in my behavior. I prayed over her comments. I asked the Lord to show me where I was choosing to be something other than my authentic self. I made some phone calls, sent some texts, and kicked off an email or two to some of my closest friends because the truth is, I know who loves me. I just needed to be reminded.
God showed me not only where I was walking in fear in my relationships with other people but He also caused me to look at how I was choosing to be with Him. God has been showing me over and over again how much He loves me. He has been asking for more of my time. He has been showing me so very clearly how He is putting connections in place for me to be able to fulfill the desires of my heart. He has been lavishing His love on me and I have been standing back, pretending like I don't need it and don't want it. I have been playing hard to get. Not on purpose, it's just how I've chosen to be with Him. Protective..guarded...afraid. What if I receive this love He is pouring out and then He breaks my heart? I have learned over the years that love hurts. He is patiently and gently convincing me that His love doesn't hurt...it heals.
Ever so slowly, I am shifting the way that I choose to be towards Him. I no longer want to be standoffish towards Him. I want to climb up in His lap and let Him comfort me. I want to surrender to the things He is asking me to do, willingly, and not fight Him every step of the way. I want to trust that He knows what's best for me and will direct my steps, if I will just listen. I want to quit pretending that I don't hear Him when He is specifically asking things of me. I want to change the way that I've been towards Him.
I thought maybe some of you might need to consider my friend's very thoughtful words. How have you decided to be with your friends, with your family, with God? Are you pretending to be strong when you are feeling weak? Are you pretending you are okay when you're really not? Are you pretending that you can handle life on your own? Ask God to show you where your behavior is out of line with the person that God has created you to be. You might just be surprised at what you find out.
