Today, God wrote the closing words to one of the most "beautiful, earth shattering, mind bending" chapters of my life. I wasn't ready for the chapter to end. I thought there was more to be written. I was waiting for God to wrap it all up in a neat and tidy bow where everyone wins in the end.
But God.
Knowing that the end was coming, I took the time to reflect on what this particular chapter brought to the story He is writing.
This chapter brought a light into my life that lit up places I didn't even know were dark. It brought someone who could help me see that I didn't have to hide who I was. I didn't have to be who others taught me that I had to be...with both their words and actions. It brought a freedom of knowing that I didn't have to let go of something that brought me peace and comfort because it might make someone else uncomfortable. It brought someone who showed me that I could experience love in a way that I never could've imagined. A love that would allow me to more clearly see God's love for me.
This chapter brought adventure. It brought trips to beaches, and mountains, and botanical gardens and TEXAS. It brought interactions with bears, coyotes, chickens, cows, horses and for the love of all that is HOLY...it brought a lot of sloths. It brought flat tires and homeless people. It brought snowmen and snow angels.
This chapter taught me that when you start being authentically you, it is going to rub against people the wrong way. It also taught me that those people will be okay, even if you refuse to go back to being someone you aren't. This chapter taught me that my words matter, not just to me but to others. When I put pen to paper and wrote about other past chapters, my people gathered around me to help get the word out. The reviews and feedback that I received helped me to see that God could use my hard chapters to help bring healing to others. I believe He is going to use this one too.
This chapter taught me that we carry a lot of stuff from one chapter to the next. While we can try to hold tightly to the good stuff and drag it along, sometimes, there is some bad stuff buried deep in the inside that we didn't know was coming with us. This chapter taught me that this stuff will rise to the surface when we least expect it. When it does, people get hurt. That hurt can come in the most unexpected ways at the most unexpected times but that's what unhealed wounds and trauma can do. That hurt can come, even though no one in the story had any intention of hurting anyone else.
This chapter taught me that in the face of pain, we have choices in what we do with it. It taught me that the best choice will always be to lay it in the hands of Jesus and ask Him to guide me. This chapter also taught me that I'm not necessarily going to like the guidance He gives me. I learned that anger is easy, but that's not who God created me to be. For whatever reason, perhaps because He's the author of my story and knows what's up, God created me with an extra measure of grace. I learned that instead of anger, I could pour out grace instead. This includes grace for myself for all of the mistakes I've made.
This chapter taught me that A LOT of people don't understand the gift of grace. It also taught me that they don't have to understand it. I can stand confident in the direction God is giving me, even when it makes absolutely no sense to anyone around me, including me. This chapter taught me that I can not only trust His voice, I can trust my ability to hear it. It taught me a lot about faith. It has grown my faith deeper than I ever could've imagined, even when it looked liked God had forsaken me at times.
This chapter taught me how to protect my heart. It taught me that not everyone needs access to my version of the story God is writing. Some paragraphs are meant for only me to know about. Just because they want to know, doesn't mean I have to tell them. This chapter taught me that I need to be aware of who and what I give access to my energy. It is okay to think about my needs first, it's not selfish, it's necessary.
This chapter taught me that I can still show up, big time, for the people who need me. It also taught me that there are people who want to show up for me, if I can be honest enough to admit that I need them to. Not only will they show up, they will show up in the most amazing and profound ways. They will send gift cards, and surprise packages in the mail. They will send Marcos and texts to let you know they are thinking about you. They will come visit. They will live at your house during the day and drive 45 minutes just to make you eggs and bacon because they know you need protein. They will sleep on your couch overnight, even if they don't have their CPAP machine, because they know you are sick and want to make sure you live through the night. They will make space in their busy schedules to sit with you in a hotel room, or on their couch, or at a cabin in the mountains, because they know that proximity is necessary for your survival. They will remind you that they want absolutely nothing from you, only to pour out goodness, kindness, and love onto you.
This chapter taught me that my body is not what it used to be. This chapter came with lots of titanium and an allergy to Vancomycin. It also brought a revelation that my body can be completely shutting down from infection in my blood, my white blood cell count will never change, and I will not run a fever. This chapter also taught me that Infectious Disease Docs, and Neurosurgeons, find my body very curious.
This chapter showed me the importance of true self care. Knowing what feeds my soul and doing more of that. It taught me that I still have a lot of healing to do. Especially in areas that I thought had been healed long ago. It taught me that I want to do the hard and holy work of digging out the roots and exposing things to light so that I can work through them. I want to continue to try to bring my best self into whatever the next chapter holds. I have also learned that this healing must come in small doses. As I learn new things about the way that brain stores trauma, and poke at the things that hurt, I have to stop and allow my emotions to catch up with my learning. I have also learned that I have to have grace when that healing comes with some setbacks. It's a process. If anything, this chapter has taught me to trust the process.
This chapter taught me to take life one day a time, and sometimes one hour. If I allow myself to get too far ahead, my computer brain tries to think of all the scenarios and figure out the what ifs. That's exhausting and I am learning to let God hold on to my tomorrows.
As this chapter has been drawing to a close, it has taught me to embrace all that has happened. God has a purpose and a plan for all of it. The truth is, our life is a story that He is writing. He holds the pen and He gets to decide when it's time to move the story along. I had been dreading the ending, but He has helped me to see that the story is still being written. I don't know if the next chapter will introduce new characters or a changing and growing of the existing characters. Perhaps halfway through this next chapter, God will holler down from Heaven "PLOT TWIST" and we will anxiously wait to see what He has in store.
What I knew more than anything, on this very day, was that I wanted to end the chapter with the person I began it with...and so we did. We sat together while this chapter ended and as God began writing the story of the next chapter, we held so incredibly tightly to the good. We get to choose what we remember. 💜
