Halupki

Last night for dinner, we had Halupki.  Okay, it wasn't a true halupki but more like a deconstructed version of it.  I had never made it before but I think it turned out pretty good.  I'm not really here to talk about my dinner, I am here to talk about the faces and memories that kept going through my mind as I was making the halupki.

 These are the sweet faces of Rich and Rosie Solar.  The summer before my Senior year in high school, my Mom got a job offer in Green Bay, WI.  She asked if I wanted to relocate with her but I really wanted to finish out high school with my friends.  My Mom put the house on the market and I began looking for a place to stay.  I was able to stay home for a few months while the house was waiting to sell, (I know Mom, if I would've kept it clean, it would've sold faster and for more money :)

When the house finally sold, one of my best friends Lori convinced these beautiful people (her parents) to let me come live with them until I graduated.  They welcomed me with open arms.  Mom sent them some money every month to help with my expenses but they never treated me like a boarder.  The treated me like part of the family.  I was sharing with Leanna last night about how Rosie would make halupki (kinda like a cabbage roll) and I didn't like cabbage, so I would always unroll the cabbage and eat the meat out of the middle.  I am happy to report that my tastes have grown up with me and my halupki had cabbage with it last night :)

I have so many fond memories of my time with this family.  If I remember correctly, they had five kids but I only grew close to the sisters.  Lori graciously shared Bonnie and Cathy with me and they became like the big sisters that I never had.  They were full of fun, adventure, and advice.  I remember sitting around the kitchen table playing cards.  I remember what a celebration Easter was.  I remember going to the Catholic church with them...even though I wasn't really feeling God at the time, seeds were planted.  I remember Rich and Rosie's deep love for one another.  How they laughed together all of the time. I remember helping Rich when he coached Matt's (Cathy's son) little league baseball team.  More than anything, I remember an overwhelming sense of feeling like I belonged.

These beautiful faces didn't have to love me the way that they did but their love had an impact on me that stays with me to this day.  They poured into me...and they made me clean my room.  When I left their house after graduation, I was an angry teenager who was mad at the world.  I never took the time to let them know how much I had appreciated them.  It is a regret that I lived with for a lot of years.  We lost Rich last year to Leukemia.  When I got the news, I was heartbroken for this family.  I was blessed to be in town to pay my respects to the family.  We had grown apart over the years but when I showed up at the visitation, Rosie said, "There's my Holly".  It took me right back to all of those years ago.

Thank you Rich and Rosie for loving me..and teaching me how to shine His kind of light into the world.

Make Me Broken?

I was listening to the Sidewalk Prophets song "Keep Making Me" on my way in this morning.  I had the windows down and the radio up really loud.  I was singing my guts out (as I do when I'm by myself).  Suddenly, for every line of the song I would sing, I would hear God whispering back to me.  It went something like this:

Singing: Make me empty so I can be filled
God: "Is that really what you want, Holly? Do you really want me to empty you so I can fill you back up?"
Me: "Yes, I think so.  I mean, I'm pretty filled up with you now so a little emptying wouldn't hurt so much"

Singing: Make me lonely, So I can be Yours
God: "Do you really want to be lonely, Holly?  You've been feeling lonely lately, you don't seem to like it"
Me: "No, I don't really like it.  I don't like being lonely at all.  I really miss my friends and family and it's been pretty hard."

Singing: 'Til You are my one desire, 'Til You are my one true love, 'Til You are my breath, my everything, Lord, please keep making me"
God:  "Do you understand Holly?  If you really want me to change you into the person I need you to be, it's going to hurt but I'll be there.
Me: "But I'm never going to get there.  I am never going to get to the place where You are my everything.  I mean, I want to..but that's not realistic."
God: "I have already made you into more than you could have ever imagined.  I have used you in ways that you still don't know.  You are seeking perfection and setting expectations for what I'm doing in your life.  Just rest in who I am."


Now that I've had some time to reflect this morning, I feel like God is telling me to quit trying to help Him break me.  I know that sounds crazy but I want so desperately for Him to be all I need that I sometimes make it harder on myself.  I beat myself up because I didn't spend enough time praying this morning.  I got up an hour earlier than I needed to (If you know me at all, you know that I DON'T do mornings), so I could go sit on the back porch and read the Word and spend some quiet time with the Lord. Then when I got in the shower, I started kicking myself because I forgot to lift some needs up in prayer while I was out there.  I don't need to beat down and break myself.  I need to be confident and sure about who I am and whose I am.  If I beat myself up for not doing it the "right" way then my time with the Lord will become an act of obligation and not out of my heart's desire to be closer to Him.

I feel like this post is a bit rambling this morning, but I am trusting that God will make sense of it for whoever needs to read it.

My Backpack is Too Heavy

I wanted to take a minute and talk about something that has been troubling me and getting in the way of my peace for many years.  It is something that God has been working on me about for longer than I can remember.  I am guessing I am not the only one struggling with it.

The issue that is stealing my joy is the overwhelming need to talk about my problems.   If I feel like someone has done me wrong, I want to tell a lot of people about it.  At first, I thought it was a gossip issue, where I wanted to just talk about people.  My time at JUMP helped me to see that it is really just an unhealthy way that I try to deal with my hurt and frustration.  If I am hurt by someone, I have an overwhelming need to feel validated in that hurt.  I go to a friend and tell them what happened and how that person hurt me.  There is a part of me that needs my friend to agree that I have a right to feel hurt based on the actions of the other person.  It would be great if I could just get the offense off my chest and get on with life but it doesn't work that way for me.  Perhaps the next day, I run into another friend.  I have to bring the offense up again and ensure that this next friend also agrees that I had a right to feel hurt.

Let me tell you something, I may get the validation I am seeking, but in the meantime, my joy is being stolen right out from underneath me by the enemy.  You see, every time that I share that offense, the hurt comes right back.  It is like the person didn't just hurt me once, they hurt me four of five times.  The hurt travels around with me in my emotional backpack and as long as I feel like I need validation for my feelings, I have to carry it around with me.  That backpack gets awfully heavy.  That backpack doesn't just hold hurt, it holds anger and frustration too...all emotions that I feel the need to validate with others.

What I need to do...and what I'm working on...is to simply take my hurt, anger, frustration to the Lord and leave it there with Him.  He is strong enough to carry it, I am not.

Missing the Gift

Do you remember when you were younger and your parents asked you what you wanted for Christmas, or perhaps you made a list for Santa Claus?  Remember how there was sometimes that one special thing that you really,  REALLY wanted?  It was all you could think about, it consumed your thoughts.  How you hoped and prayed that just this once you would get what you asked for.  You hear whispering between your parents about how they want to get you something special.  Now you are convinced..this is the year that your dream comes true.  Christmas morning comes and you look under the tree and your heart starts to race with excitement.  There, under the tree, is a box that is the perfect shape and size to be your special gift.  You wait patiently as your family goes through their Christmas routine but all you can think about is getting to your gift.  The time comes, you almost can’t contain the excitement as you peel off the wrapping paper….and there under the paper…is a bag of socks.    You are so heartbroken…but you go on to open the other gifts..hoping and praying..thinking ..maybe your gift is in one of those boxes.  All that you can think about as you open each gift is how let down you feel that it isn’t the one that you really, REALLY wanted.  You may have received some really amazing things…maybe you got a beautiful necklace, or some clothes, or a gift card.  Maybe your brother or sister worked really hard to make you a homemade gift to make you feel special but all you can think about is that one special gift that you didn't get. 

Do you think that we ever get that way with God?  Do you think that we ever ask for what we want and then get disappointed when we don't get it?  Do you think that we ever overlook the incredible gifts that God has given us, simply because we didn't get the one thing we really wanted?  What if the gift we actually receive is something that it wouldn't have occurred to us to ask for?  What if it is SO much better than what we originally asked for....and we miss out on the excitement and thankfulness for such a wonderful gift because we can't see past the fact that we didn't get what we wanted.

May we be those who stop focusing on the things we think we want and start focusing on the amazing gifts that we are already receiving on a daily basis. 

Even if You Never Know It

I was looking at my office the other day, looking at all of things in it that I keep around just to serve as a reminder about something.  I have a coffee mug with Smiley faces on it that says, "Smile God Loves You!" that was given to me by someone I barely knew who just wanted me to know that I mattered.  I have a picture of Baby Samuel, which serves as a reminder that life is too short to take things for granted.  That God performs miracles all of the time but sometimes they don't look like we think they should.  I have a picture of my friends Grace and Brian, so that I can remember to pray for them as they continue to walk this thing out. 

The thing that has really been speaking to me lately though is this angel.  I got it as a going away gift when I left my previous company.  The person who gave it to me came by my office to let me know that she didn't do goodbyes but she wanted to thank me for everything.  I just looked at her crazy and said...."no...thank YOU for everything."  You see this person and I weren't super close.  We kinda sorta knew each other but she wasn't one of the people that I made a point to check in with. There were some whose office became a haven for me when things were rough..or maybe when I thought they needed a pep talk.  There were times though, when this person would stick her head in, especially when I was having a rough minute (and I had a LOT of rough minutes there towards the end).  She would listen with so much compassion and understanding and would say what I needed to hear.  God used her in my life to help me see how unsustainable things were in my life and that some changes needed to be made.  Some of those ended up being BIG changes, like quitting my job and moving 1200 miles away but most of them were small changes where God spoke ever so quietly to my spirit, asking me to trust Him.

So I am super grateful for the person who gave me this angel, but it is not why it sits on my desk.  It sits on my desk because it serves as a reminder that we are impacting and influencing lives all of the time.  It is a reminder that what we do in the lives of others really does make a difference.  If you would have asked me to name one thing that I did that would have caused the person who gave me this to be thankful, I would be at a loss.  I must have done something though.  Maybe God used me at just the right time to speak something to her.  Perhaps she had an I.T. need that I took care of without making her feel guilty for asking.  Maybe it was just that I gave her a smile when I walked by her.  I know that I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, yet she was thankful enough to give me this precious gift.  

"Never underestimate your ability to make someone else's life better - Even if you never know it"- Greg Louganis