Who Has He Proven Himself to Be?

I am a fan of Facebook.  I have been using it to keep up or catch up with friends for almost 9 years.  It has been a lifesaver to me after moving 1300 miles away from everyone I love.  I don't feel like I am completely missing out.   When I have prayer needs or a funny story to share, I can share it with the masses with one post.  There are a lot of good things about social media, but not all things are good.

I am a member of several groups on Facebook.  In one particular group, there was a misunderstanding about the actions that one of the figureheads of the group had taken. We will call her Sally.   Sally was posting things on her own social media that didn't line up with what we knew to be true based on conversations she had been having with those in the group.  It had appeared that Sally had intentionally lied to the group for her own personal gain.  It started with one person who noticed the discrepancy and they posted it in the group.  Then someone else commented on it saying that Sally was acting shady and something wasn't lining up.  It was a like a wildfire.  Within a matter of hours, accusations were being flung back and forth and the very character of this woman was being called into question over and over again.  There was no giving Sally the benefit of the doubt. People were demanding answers.

I sat back and watched this happening. I completely understood why all of these ladies were feeling hurt and betrayed based on what we were seeing but something wasn't sitting right with me.  By all appearances, we had been betrayed, but that betrayal didn't line up with who Sally had already proven herself to be.

We all know some people in our worlds who can pull off some pretty shady stuff.  When they act out or do something hurtful, we aren't really surprised.  They have a history of flying off the handle, or putting their needs before everyone else, or doing things to hurt others.  That wasn't the case with Sally.  Sally was someone we considered a friend.  Sally has always been genuine and authentic, sharing her heart with others.  Time and time again she has done the right thing, even in situations where it was going to cost her dearly.  She has personally loved on a number of us in the group and given us wisdom and guidance through her words.  So what I was seeing unfold before me just didn't make any sense.

I jumped into the middle of the group chat and mentioned that I was sure that Sally didn't intentionally do the things that she was being accused of and that Sally would be devastated when she got on-line and realize how much she had unintentionally hurt everyone.   I explained that I could understand why everyone had felt betrayed.  Even I wanted to know why everything had gone down the way that it did.  However, with no actual information and only what had been posted on social media, I reminded them of the importance of focusing on who Sally had already proven herself to be to us.

Now, you might think this blog post is about how things are so easily misinterpreted through social media, texts, emails and how nothing beats a good face to face communication.  While this is true, you would be wrong.  This is a blog post about how God hit me right upside the head with my own words.  He likes to do that to me from time to time.

As I was driving back to Florida, I was thinking about how quickly everyone in the group turned on Sally.  By the way, Sally was devastated.  It was all a misunderstanding.  Sally has apologized to the group numerous times and we are all back to loving each other again.  Anyway, I was thinking about how with one little action that didn't line up with what they thought should be happening, they turned against Sally and called into question the very nature of who she is.  I was driving and thinking about how glad I was that I didn't jump on that bandwagon.  I was feeling pretty prideful.  How many know that God can humble us very quickly?    God whispered every so gently to my soul, "How is that any different than the way you treat me?"  Ouch!!

God began to reveal to me how time and time again when things don't work out the way that I think they should, that one of my first reactions is to call into question the very nature of God.  He is so mean for allowing this to happen to me.  God must not love me or He wouldn't allow me to suffer this way. He doesn't care about me or He wouldn't ask me to do this hard thing.  I turn on Him so quickly.  I don't wait for clarity or an explanation.  I don't give God the chance to show me things from His perspective.

I need to be able to give God the same grace that I gave Sally.  When something doesn't look right and all appearances would have me believe that God is not looking out for me, I need to rely on who He has already proven Himself to be.  He has proven that He loves me, unconditionally.  Even when I pull away from Him, He works to woo me back.  To bring me in close so He can comfort me and heal me.  He encourages me.  He gives me the strength to keep going when I think the pain of something is too much.  He consistently works things out for my good in a way that I know it could have only come from God.  He is faithful to me.  To paraphrase Max Lucado, God has proven himself, now it's my job to trust Him.  May I never forget it.

How Have You Decided To Be With Him?

Well hello there!  Did you miss me?  I've missed writing in my blog.  Life has been such a busy whirlwind since I came back from Anna's book launch in Dallas that I haven't had time to get my thoughts into words.  If you don't know what book launch I'm talking about, read the post just before this one.

Back in early April, I had a conversation with a friend back home about some things going on in my world and I was telling her about how I didn't feel like I could share it with a lot of people because they wouldn't understand.  I told her how the conversation could get messy and I was afraid that trying to explain things would just be too hard.  In the same breath, I was explaining to my friend that it was super hard not being able to share and it made me feel lonely.  My friend talked with me for quite some time and I left the talk feeling much better.  The next day, my friend sent me an email that profoundly impacted me.  With her permission, I would like to share some of what she said.

She was explaining the concept of "equanimity" to me.  It is a concept she is learning in a Buddhism class she is taking.  Her favorite way it has been described to her is as follows:

We have these eight "worldly winds" blowing in our minds (pleasure, pain, gain, loss, praise, blame, fame, shame) and equanimity is the protection from the winds.  They describe a mountain's experience of rain and snow - it isn't that you don't feel the wind and snow, it isn't that you try to stop the rain, it's that you remain unmoved by them.  You're not going to be kicked around or run around in circles every time the wind blows- you maintain a bigger perspective that helps you think clearly and do the right things in life, in spite of the weather of the day.

When I first read that paragraph, all I could think was that I want to be that mountain.  Feeling the wind, snow, and rain but standing unmoved.  Unmoved, in spite of the weather of the day.  It reminded me of the following Pema Chodron quote:

I can stand unmovable, unshakable when I remember that God is the sky.  Everything else is just what life throws at me.  It is the uncontrollable force of nature and I can choose to be knocked down in the wind or I can choose to stand on the truth of who I am and whose I am.    That wasn't really the message she was trying to share with me though. It was just so good that I thought I should share it with you too. 

She went on to talk about an exercise that caused her to take a look at some of the relationships in her life.  The exercise called for her to visualize a pure friend, a pure enemy, and a complete stranger.  She was to think about her feelings for each person and then think about how each person could become any of the other people.  Friends can become enemies, strangers can become friends, etc.  She talked about how I am a friend that is not evenly swirled.  I stand firmly in the friend category.  It was her explanation of why that is, that impacted me so deeply.

"I think the reason you more clearly represent one thing to me is because of how I have decided to be with you.  I told you in the beginning that if you were looking for something other than my friendship - if you're leading me to Jesus - you're going to be disappointed.  You responded with such respect and clear thinking that it made it...ok to be myself.  You're friend because of who you are and because of who I have decided to be with you.

So I was thinking that your hesitation in talking to your friends makes sense because it could get messy and now might not be the right time.....but it's out of line with your posture, this isn't the body language you keep with people you bring into your life, and you need to find some way to stand more confidently in your life with the people you love - Holly, I know what's it like to be around you - I'm confident that you actually have far more love than you realize.   

I think your fear of your friends may have more to with your decision of who to be toward them than the feelings they hold in their hearts."

There are absolutely no words for how much my friend's words spoke to my heart.  I was so honored that she can see pure friendship in her relationship with me.  I always want people to feel like they can be their true authentic self with me.  I so needed to be reminded that the way that I was handling the situation was completely out of line with my character.  I am glad she wasn't afraid to call me out on the things she was seeing in my behavior.   I prayed over her comments.  I asked the Lord to show me where I was choosing to be something other than my authentic self.  I  made some phone calls, sent some texts, and kicked off an email or two to some of my closest friends because the truth is, I know who loves me.  I just needed to be reminded.

God showed me not only where I was walking in fear in my relationships with other people but He also caused me to look at how I was choosing to be with Him.  God has been showing me over and over again how much He loves me.  He has been asking for more of my time.  He has been showing me so very clearly how He is putting connections in place for me to be able to fulfill the desires of my heart.  He has been lavishing His love on me and I have been standing back, pretending like I don't need it and don't want it.  I have been playing hard to get.  Not on purpose, it's just how I've chosen to be with Him.  Protective..guarded...afraid.  What if I receive this love He is pouring out and then He breaks my heart?  I have learned over the years that love hurts.  He is patiently and gently convincing me that His love doesn't hurt...it heals.  

Ever so slowly, I am shifting the way that I choose to be towards Him.  I no longer want to be standoffish towards Him.  I want to climb up in His lap and let Him comfort me.  I want to surrender to the things He is asking me to do, willingly, and not fight Him every step of the way.  I want to trust that He knows what's best for me and will direct my steps, if I will just listen.  I want to quit pretending that I don't hear Him when He is specifically asking things of me.  I want to change the way that I've been towards Him.  

I thought maybe some of you might need to consider my friend's very thoughtful words.  How have you decided to be with your friends, with your family, with God?  Are you pretending to be strong when you are feeling weak?  Are you pretending you are okay when you're really not?  Are you pretending that you can handle life on your own?  Ask God to show you where your behavior is out of line with the person that God has created you to be.  You might just be surprised at what you find out.  

He Sees The Whole Parade

Have ya'll ever seen this picture?

I feel like this picture sums up my relationship with God over the past several years.  You see, I gave my life to Christ back in 1998.  I started reading my bible, and studying His word.  I started doing "Christian" things.  I stopped doing all of the things that Christians don't do.  I started "acting" like a Christian.  

From that moment on, God has been in a relentless pursuit to have all of me.  In between 2006 and 2009, God used some amazing people in my church to help me begin to see that there was a HUGE difference between giving my life to God and inviting Him into mine.  I no longer wanted to "act" like a Christian, I wanted to be one. I wanted a deeper relationship with Christ.  I began to seek God's will in every aspect of my day to day life.

I have learned that seeking God's will is pretty easy to do when God is busy blessing your face off.  When He is orchestrating every move of your career and shooting you up the corporate ladder so fast that it's like you have a jet pack strapped to your back.  It is pretty easy to seek God's will when God is blessing you with deep friendships that speak life to you.  It is pretty easy when you have all of the money you need to live a comfortable life.  When giving to those in need costs you nothing.

In relation to the picture above, it was like God had already given me the giant teddy bear.  For the past few years, it has felt like the picture above is backwards.  It has felt like God is trying to take away my big teddy bear and give me something less.  It totally makes sense that it would feel that way.  God asked me to give up the corporate life, and showed me the job He had for me.  I am now in a job making less than I was making right out of high school.  

I think one of the reasons that the picture has felt backwards is because I haven't willingly given Him any of it.  He began showing me several years ago, even before moving to Florida, that the corporate life was never going to satisfy my soul.  He asked me to give it up.  He said, "Just trust me."  I said, "But I love it, God.  I love feeling important.  I love traveling around the world. I love having enough money to do whatever I want."  So, He let me keep my little teddy bear....for a while. Until it almost destroyed me.....and then God, very gently, pried that teddy bear right out of my hands by way of a layoff.  God really does know us well.  Not only did I get laid off but I got laid off right before a spine surgery with a three month recovery period.  This took away any chance I had to jump right back into a  corporate job.  It provided the time that He was going to need to work on my heart, and my pride. 

God simply refused to let me hang on to the things that I thought I wanted.  It would have been so much easier if I would've just given it to Him but I just couldn't.  I didn't trust that what He had planned for me was going to be so much better.  I didn't have the faith to see the HUGE teddy bear behind His back.  The truth is, I still can't see it...but I know it's there.  I am learning to trust Him.  I am learning that He loves me.  I am learning that He can see much more than I can from where I'm standing. 

Is there something in your life that God is asking you to hand to Him?  Is there a job He is asking you to leave?  Is there a friendship He is asking you to lay down at His feet?  Is there a resentment that you are clinging to?  Is there a hurt you won't give Him?   Whatever it is friend, please trust Him with it.  He has better things in store for you.

After all, He sees the whole parade.    (song by Go Fish)

Anna LeBaron and The Polygamist's Daughter

Leanna and I have arrived in Dallas. It takes something big for us to use our budgetary dollars to travel some place other than  home to see the kids, a trip to a lighthouse, or a beach somewhere.  So why Dallas?  We are off to celebrate my friend Anna's book launch.  Anna's book, The Polygamist's Daughter officially releases on March 21st but we are having a party to celebrate on Saturday night.

I could write a huge blog post about why you should purchase The Polygamist's Daughter.  I could tell about how reading Anna's words was both gut-wrenching and healing for me.  I could write about how Anna faced things that other people couldn't even imagine and lived to tell about it.  I could write about how God captured Anna's heart and how He has redeemed all that she has been through.  I could write about the long journey of healing that Anna has begun to walk.  I could write about all of those things, but I would much prefer to just write about Anna.

How did I come to care enough about Anna to spend my hard earned money to fly out and celebrate her success?  It all started with a blog post that she wrote.  I am not sure how I stumbled across it.  Perhaps a friend of a friend had commented on it or maybe God knew that I needed to see it so He worked it out for it to appear in my FB feed.  You should read the blog post before continuing to read the rest of my post.  You can read it by clicking here.

Anna's blog post intrigued me for several reasons.  First of all, God is the master of coincidence.  It could only be God that orchestrated all of the things that caused Ruth and Anna to connect. I mean, can you imagine?? Second, I loved Anna's heart and her willingness to be obedient to what God was calling her to do.  She was willing to champion other first time authors even when she was likely frustrated with the "waiting" that she was experiencing with her own book.

I was so intrigued that I ended up joining #the4500launches and then joined the launch team for The Sound of Gravel.  What many don't know is that at about the same time, God had been rekindling a fire that He had put in my heart several years ago.  I will go into more detail about that in another blog post but it had to do with me writing my blog on a more consistent basis, writing a book about how God really can bring beauty from ashes, and for me to start sharing some of my story with groups of women.  I want to do those things, but also, I've been a bit scared.  When God lit that fire in me again, I remember explaining to God about how I don't have those types of connections in the world.  I don't know anything about writing a book, or blogging, or being a public speaker.  God very gently said, "Just do what I've asked of you Holly, I am already working on your behalf.  I will make all of the connections you need.  You just need to be obedient."

I could pretend that I've done all of the things that God has asked me to do, but the truth is, I haven't.  I had let fear get in the way of obedience.  Fear that the words I would write in  my blog post would come across wrong.  Fear that I wouldn't be able to honor my family in the way that I write my book.  Fear that I would have nothing to share from the stage.  God has been working with me to learn how to trust Him.  One of the ways He has helped me with my fears is to allow me the privilege of watching Anna walk out her dreams.

Anna's book was so beautifully written.  While it tells some hard truths about things that Anna experienced in her past, there was never a time where she dishonored her family.  After she finished her book, she went to visit her Mom and read it to her.  That couldn't have been easy, but Anna did it with such grace.  She has been travelling around sharing her story and participating in interviews about her book.  She isn't just promoting her book, she is willingly sharing the hard things in hopes that others can see that healing and redemption are possible.  She has been so brave with the telling of her story.

If you met Anna and didn't know her story, you would never guess that she came from anything but a loving, nurturing family.  I watch Anna in the #the4500launches group and she is always pouring God's love out on people.  She handles each person with such care and such concern.  I had told her that in honor of the three year anniversary of her starting the writing of her book, I was going to start mine.  She could've just given it a like and gone on her way, but she took the time to let me know that I could just put a working title together, write at least three sentences, and then I could officially say that I had started writing my book.  That was so encouraging, so that's exactly what I did.

Being a part of the #the4500launches has been a huge blessing to me.  I have been a part of numerous book launches and have been given a sneak peek at the process of promoting books.  A group of us bloggers have spun off our own group called #the4500blogs where we promote each other and hold each other accountable.  I am building friendships, learning things about how to be a better writer, and stretching outside my comfort zone.

When Anna invited the launch team down to Dallas for her book launch celebration, I took some time to pray about whether we should go or not.  It was during that time that God gently reminded me about how He has been working on helping me make connections to carry out the things that He has called me to do.  He clearly showed me that Anna was a key connection, not because of doors she could open but because of the example she has set out for those following behind her.   He also revealed to me that just like Anna, my focus needs to be on promoting, encouraging, and uplifting other people while I patiently wait my turn.  As I wait, He is healing up things in my heart and in my life that aren't in line with His plans for my future.

Anna, I pray that your book reaches all the way to the ends of the earth and that everyone will get a chance to read/hear your story.  I pray that it touches wounded hearts, in the same way that it has touched mine.  I pray that it spurs others on to a place of healing.  Getting to know you and reading your book has changed me, for the better.  I am keeping an eye out for those people that cross my path who need an "Estella" to advocate for them.  I am looking for people that I can be a "Diane" to and encourage them to find the healing they need.  Most importantly, I am no longer afraid of what God has in store for me.  Your courage has inspired me to be brave.  Thank you Anna, for allowing God to do amazing things through you and your story.  I am so excited for you!!  Congratulations.

If you want to know more about Anna's story, she has done several interviews. I will link some of them below.  Please, please, please buy this book or encourage your local library to buy it for you.

The Shaun Tabatt Show

Stories of Unfolding Grace

41 Strong Podcast

What It Means To Be Beautiful

I am currently working through a Beth Moore Bible Study called Breaking Free.  Last week's homework was about the childhood girlish dreams that we had.  She mentioned several things that weren't actually childhood dreams of mine, like being a bride or having children.  She also talked about how girls dream about being beautiful.

I have thought a lot about the term beautiful over the last few months.  I see so many posts on Facebook that talk about women who desire to be beautiful.  They talk about how they need to get new clothes, or try this new makeup, or how they need to lose weight.  Even Beth Moore in her study talks about how women are naturally insecure about how they look.

I have never fit the mold of what society considers to be a beautiful girl.  I don't wear makeup.   I rarely put on fancy clothes, and by fancy I mean slacks and a nice shirt.  I don't have the ability or desire to accessorize.  I have a few extra pounds around the waist. I don't own a blow dryer or a curling iron, nor do I want to, and I truly believe that a pony-tail is a hair style.  There are many people in the world who would look at me and beautiful would be the farthest thing from their thoughts.  When I stand in front of the mirror, I don't see pretty reflected back at me but I do see beautiful.

Do you know what I see when I look in the mirror that helps me to understand how beautiful I am? I see gray hair.  This means that I have lived a good number of years, even when I didn't want to sometimes.  I see blue eyes that have seen things more horrific than anyone should ever have to see and yet I've survived.  I see wrinkles and laugh lines from years of sending smiles out into the world, hoping to get a smile in return. I often see someone who looks like she has just gone through a battle, because often I have.  It just means that I am not afraid to keep on fighting for chains to be broken in me and in the lives of others.

I hope when people look my way, they also see those traits in me.  I hope when they look at me, they see the light and love of Jesus shining out of me.  I hope they see the beauty of a person who is not without fault, but constantly fighting to send love out into the world.  I know that this is the beauty that I look for, and often see in others.  Physical appearance is a mere shadow to the beauty that radiates out of a person.

I think Glennon Doyle Melton said it best when she described beauty in her book, The Love Warrior. She was explaining the concept of beautiful to her daughters.

"You two will meet plenty of people who are pretty but haven't yet learned how to be beautiful.  They will have the right look for the times, but they will not glow.  Beautiful women glow.  When you are with a beautiful woman you might not notice her hair or skin or body or clothes, because you'll be distracted by the way she makes you feel.  She will be so full of beauty that you will feel some of it overflow onto you.  You'll feel warm and safe and curious around her. Her eyes will twinkle a little and she'll look at you really closely- because beautiful, wise women know that the quickest way to fill up with beauty is to soak in another human being.  Other people are beauty, beauty, beauty.  The most beautiful women take their time with other people.  They are filling up.

Women who are concerned with being pretty think about what they look like, but women who are concerned with being beautiful think about what they are looking at.  They are taking it all in.  They are taking in the whole beautiful world and making all that beauty theirs to give away to others."

I remember when I first read this, I thought "Yes....this....this is the kind of beautiful that I long to be."  God has truly blessed  me by surrounding me with truly beautiful people.  They come in all shapes, sizes, and appearances but they are so beautiful.  Take a look at those around you, who are the most beautiful people that you know?  Who are the people that take their time with you?  Who are the ones that take in everything around them and look for ways to overflow their beauty onto the situation? Have you told them lately that you think they are beautiful?  Perhaps you should.