Innocent Victim or Willing Participant?

My pastor preached a message a month or two ago and one of the questions he asked has stuck with me.  He asked, "When you think of Jesus coming to earth so that He could redeem us...When you see Him hanging on the cross...Do you see Him as an innocent victim or a willing participant?"  Jesus was most definitely innocent but I like to think that I see Him as a willing participant.  He came to earth knowing full well what the end result would be.  He knew that He was going to be persecuted, beaten, and hung on the cross but He came to the earth anyway.  The pain was worth the result.

This concept keeps mulling around in my head.  Likely because it puts into words something my heart has been feeling for a long time.  As humans, we tend to go through our share of struggles.  Sometimes, when we are in the midst of the storm, it is hard to see Jesus.  It is hard to see that any good can come from what we are walking through.  What if we could see our struggle from God's point of view?  Do you think it would change how we choose to walk through the trial?

As some of you know, at one point in my life I was arrested on a felony fraud charge.  I wasn't guilty, it was all misunderstanding regarding someone else's use of my checkbook.  I ended up spending four days in the county jail before I could stand before a judge.  That was a rough minute in my life. I wasn't convicted but about 10 years later, the arrest was brought up during a licensing process for a company I was working for.  I ended up having to contact the court to get that arrest expunged off of my record.  It was a long drawn out process with a lot of paperwork.  I wasn't sure who to contact for each piece of the puzzle but eventually I got the arrest removed from my record.  I remember, at the time I was going through the expungement, how angry I was that I was having to deal with this issue.  I felt like God had forsaken me and that the devil was trying to use my past against me.

Fast forward a few years and I had become friends with a girl at work.  She had been through trials in her life that I couldn't even begin to imagine.  She had been living with her Mom out of obligation and had finally decided to set some boundaries in her life.  She decided to get her own apartment.  Everywhere she applied, she was rejected because of a felony conviction from long ago.  She was devastated.  She had given her life to Christ and was walking a completely different path but her past was coming back to haunt her.  She confided in me about her struggle and I asked her if she had ever attempted to have her record expunged.  She didn't know what expungement meant.  I was honored and blessed to walk her through the expungement process so that she could get on living the life God was calling her to.  I remember thinking at the time, "Thank you Lord for allowing me to face that battle so that I could be here to help my friend."

I see this type of thing play out over and over again.  My Mom needed to have surgery.  When they were doing her pre-op exams, they thought something was wrong with her heart.  They told her she couldn't have her surgery until she had a heart cath to rule out any issues.  I remember how my Mom came out after the cath very relieved but also very frustrated that they hadn't found anything wrong.  She felt like it had all been a waste of time.  My Mom's friend had driven her to the surgery center and her and my Mom were discussing some issues that she'd been having with her own heart.  My Mom's cardiologist overheard the conversation and interrupted to ask my Mom's friend to go over her symptoms.  The cardiologist told my Mom's friend that it sounded like she had a hole in her heart and to make an appointment.  Sure enough, my Mom's friend went to the cardiologist and ended up having surgery to fix the hole.  She had been dealing with the issue for a very long time and was so happy to finally have an answer/relief.  I remember thinking then...I wonder if someone had said to my Mom, "Hey, there is nothing wrong with your heart but if you spend $100 for a copay and have a heart cath done, your friend will be relieved from years of suffering" would she have chosen to pay the money and go through the hassle?

It sometimes helps me to deal with hard times or things I don't understand.  I take a minute to think of all of the possible good that could come from any given situation and then I ask myself if it would be worth it.  Would it be worth it for me to leave everyone I know and love in Kansas City if it means that God is going to use me to shine His light into some dark places in Florida. Yes!  Would it be worth it for my friend to fight to hang on to a rocky marriage when everything in her wants to run away if it meant that eventually her husband would be delivered from the grips of the devil.  Absolutely!!  It's hard...really hard...when you can't see what God's plan is..so we have to hang on to who we know that He is.

God's word says, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them."(Rom 8:28)  We don't know why He has us face the storms of this life but He promises to make good come from them.  If we can remember that,  is it possible that we can go from innocent victims to willing participants?  Can we stand before God in our times of trial and say, "I don't have one clue why you are allowing this but I know You'll make good come of it so bring it on?"

October 15th

October 15th is one of a handful of days that hurts my heart every year when I see it on the calendar.  Today would have been my brother's 43rd birthday.  As most of you know, my brother was killed in a car accident when he was 26.  Seeing 10/15 come around on the calendar gets a bit easier every year but even now on the 16th occurrence, it still stings....and that's okay.

This morning as I was driving to work, I was reflecting on a conversation I had recently with a group of women that I do Bible study with.  I was talking about one of the moments in my life that changed my walk with God.  There have been several big things that I can point to that changed the way that I looked at my relationship with Jesus.  One was a comparative study between the Bible and the book "The Shack" by Wm. Paul Young.  If you haven't read The Shack...please do.  Another HUGE moment and one I want to expand on today was the time a forgave God.

When I brought the subject up the other night at Bible study, I think I offended a few people who felt it was sacrilegious for me to think that God needed/wanted my forgiveness.  At one time, I was harboring a fair amount of bitterness in my heart about some of the circumstances of my past and bitterness about my brother being ripped away from me.  That bitterness was definitely keeping me from a relationship with God.  I blamed Him.  I knew that God could do ALL things so why didn't choose something different for me?  I was deeply hurt by Him.  So hurt, in fact, that I couldn't see past it to see the most amazingly wonderful things that He'd done in my life.  I was sharing some of this with a coworker who had become a mentor and friend and she asked me if I had forgiven God.  I kind of looked at her crazy and she told me about an experience where she had heard of this concept and followed through with it.  I kind of put the thought aside because I didn't quite know what to do with it.

Several weeks later, I was in physical therapy for my shoulder.  I had done my exercises and they had put me in a room to ice it up.  They were always good about shutting off the lights in case you wanted a nap. :)  I remember being on that table surrounded by the darkness and tears just started falling down my cheeks.  I was completely overwhelmed with life at the time and I couldn't get my emotions under control.  I just remember being angry.  God was working on healing me...but in order to do that..He was pulling out hurts and memories that I wanted to long forget.  That day..on that physical therapy table...I realized what my friend had been talking about.  I was so mad at God for all the things He had done to me or allowed to be done to me and it was affecting my ability to let Him have control of my life.

Does someone have to be guilty for us to forgive them?  Do they have to have committed some sin for us to forgive them?   Forgiveness has everything to do with the person who has been wounded and not the offender.  We all hurt each other all the time even when we are trying to help each other out.  Often times that hurt comes from someone who doesn't live up to your expectations of them.

Benjamin Corey wrote this and it sums it up better than I could:

Sometimes, people will fail to live up to your hopes and expectations.  Even though they're not guilty of doing something wrong in the situation, we are tempted to live with the emotional weight of disappointment and resentment that result from our own lost hope and unfulfilled desires.  In these cases, the only option that allows us to live in freedom, is to forgive the person who disappointed us.  Even when that person is God.    Read more: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/formerlyfundie/forgiving-god/#ixzz3GEZMU0zl

So...there on that physical therapy table...I started whispering to God that I forgave Him.  I forgave Him for not giving me the childhood that I thought I deserved.  I forgave Him for all of the things He had asked me to do that I thought weren't fair. I forgave Him for taking my sweet brother home to live with Him instead of leaving him here to be an awesome Daddy to his boy.  It sounds ridiculous...but my heart changed that day.  I wall that had been blocking me from trusting God came tumbling down.   There are still days when I struggle with what He is asking me to do but it is no longer rooted in disappointments from the past.  

Hear my heart...I am not saying that God has sinned.  It isn't about what God did or didn't do.  It is about the condition of my heart. Just something to think about.  

 I welcome all discussion and your thoughts.  

Nevertheless

Do you know what is really hard to do sometimes??  Getting really honest with the Lord.  I think that all too often we treat God like a Father that we don't want to disappoint.  I don't think that is what He really wants.  We should look at Him like an unconditional Father who will love us no matter what.  (I know that is really hard for some of us that didn't have the best Father figures.)  Time and time again, God asks me to do some pretty tough stuff.  He sometimes asks me to walk a path that makes absolutely no sense to me.  Sometimes that tough stuff is necessary so that He can use it to mold me into who HE wants me to be.  Sometimes I've found that I've got to walk through some tough stuff because someone I know and love is going to walk through that same tough stuff down the road and is going to need an understanding friend.  Sometimes, God has me walk through some tough stuff because He needs to use me to help Him mold someone else into who He wants them to be.  My hearts desire is to willingly walk that path without resisting.  I am not really good at it. :)

Truth be told, I often don't want to walk that path at all.  Sometimes doing what God has called you to do, hurts...A LOT!    I try to put on a good front and willingly go where He is leading me..but really that is what it is...a front.  I am trying to fake it until I feel it.  Truth me told, sometimes my heart just isn't in it.  Because God loves me, He will gently keep asking me to do His will.  He won't force it on me...even when I fight it.  He will send people, magazine articles, devotionals, and worship songs into my life to keep confirming what He is asking for me.  He knows me...He knows that I will always look for a way to pretend like I am not hearing Him.  I'm only human :)

I was talking about this topic in small group setting once and a guy turned to me and asked me if I was proud of the fact that I fight doing God's will.  It wasn't really convicting..it is an attempt to be condemning.  Well there is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Jesus :)  My reluctance isn't something I'm proud of...it's just reality.  It's a human response and my ability to talk about those feelings is not pride..but transparency.  I know I can't be the only one who struggles.  What I am learning though...is that if I just get honest with God...He can use my fear and doubt and unwillingness.  I am learning to just take my frustrations to the Lord in a very honest way.  "God, I know that you are asking me to bring change into my new work environment but I don't really want to. I really want, just once, to have a job that is peaceful that is not mentally and emotionally demanding.  God, when is it my turn to have some rest?  When is it my turn to play a supporting role in change instead of trying to lead the way?"   It is amazing how, when I take these true feelings to the Lord, He calms my spirit.  He reassures me that it is okay to feel that way.  He acknowledges my feelings and promises me again that I won't be walking the path alone.  He helps me to live in the "nevertheless".  Even Jesus said to the Lord, "Father, if you be willing, remove this cup from me"  He didn't want to die on the cross...but Jesus lived in the 'nevertheless'.  He said, "nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.

If God is asking you to walk a difficult path, I would encourage you to tell Him how you feel so that He can help you get to a place of "nevertheless".
 

Men need encouragement too

This topic came up while I was talking with a dear friend of mine the other night and it keeps coming up, so I thought I'd share my thoughts.  You're welcome :)  

We were discussing about the difference in the way that men and women are both handled by the church community.  When the women of DC get together, it is a time of fellowship and sharing.  One of our favorite things to do is to share "Your story of His Glory".  We talk about some of the rough roads we've walked and how God showed up.  We get to share the amazing truth of God's grace and love.  We talk about how it really is okay to be feeling some of the things that you are feeling and we talk about how to take those feelings to the Lord.  We spend a lot of time encouraging one another that we are doing okay on the road we are walking on, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't take your eyes off Jesus.  When Mother's day rolls around, the women get a great message about what amazing mothers they are and they get encouragement to keep the faith.

My friend and I were talking about how different it is for the men.  Now...neither one of us are men so we can only go by what we hear,  but even from the things we can see...we know that it is different. I wonder how the men's retreat compares to the women's. Do they form the same types of bonds that the women do.  Do they leave feeling encouraged or like they don't measure up.   If there are men reading my blog, I would love your comments on this subject.  I know that on Father's day, there is rarely a warm fuzzy message about what amazing fathers they are.  There is often guidance and correction.  The dads get a laundry list of things they should do better.  I wonder how it makes some dads feel.  What if Dad is giving it 110% at home?  What if he is truly the head of the household, and he is wearing himself out providing for his family? Where is his encouragement?

Yesterday, I was driving home for a quick new puppy potty break and I heard something on the radio that irritated me.  I listen to a local Christian station that covers all of Central Florida.  They always have some little snippets of someone giving advice.  This guy comes on and starts telling the husbands that they need to try harder.  That a husband should try to hug his wife five times this week, he should compliment her at least five times, he should talk her up in front of his kids. and he should ask her every day what he can do for her.  I think these are all fine and good ideas and would be beneficial to a marriage but it got me thinking.  How many times I have heard this type of message?  The answer is A LOT.  How many times have I heard this type of message directed at wives?  I can't think of one time.  Isn't it equally important for a wife to hug her husband, talk him up in front of the kids, and ask what she can do for him?  I know that men and women are  different creatures with how they process feelings and emotions, but men need encouragement too.  Just sayin'

Halupki

Last night for dinner, we had Halupki.  Okay, it wasn't a true halupki but more like a deconstructed version of it.  I had never made it before but I think it turned out pretty good.  I'm not really here to talk about my dinner, I am here to talk about the faces and memories that kept going through my mind as I was making the halupki.

 These are the sweet faces of Rich and Rosie Solar.  The summer before my Senior year in high school, my Mom got a job offer in Green Bay, WI.  She asked if I wanted to relocate with her but I really wanted to finish out high school with my friends.  My Mom put the house on the market and I began looking for a place to stay.  I was able to stay home for a few months while the house was waiting to sell, (I know Mom, if I would've kept it clean, it would've sold faster and for more money :)

When the house finally sold, one of my best friends Lori convinced these beautiful people (her parents) to let me come live with them until I graduated.  They welcomed me with open arms.  Mom sent them some money every month to help with my expenses but they never treated me like a boarder.  The treated me like part of the family.  I was sharing with Leanna last night about how Rosie would make halupki (kinda like a cabbage roll) and I didn't like cabbage, so I would always unroll the cabbage and eat the meat out of the middle.  I am happy to report that my tastes have grown up with me and my halupki had cabbage with it last night :)

I have so many fond memories of my time with this family.  If I remember correctly, they had five kids but I only grew close to the sisters.  Lori graciously shared Bonnie and Cathy with me and they became like the big sisters that I never had.  They were full of fun, adventure, and advice.  I remember sitting around the kitchen table playing cards.  I remember what a celebration Easter was.  I remember going to the Catholic church with them...even though I wasn't really feeling God at the time, seeds were planted.  I remember Rich and Rosie's deep love for one another.  How they laughed together all of the time. I remember helping Rich when he coached Matt's (Cathy's son) little league baseball team.  More than anything, I remember an overwhelming sense of feeling like I belonged.

These beautiful faces didn't have to love me the way that they did but their love had an impact on me that stays with me to this day.  They poured into me...and they made me clean my room.  When I left their house after graduation, I was an angry teenager who was mad at the world.  I never took the time to let them know how much I had appreciated them.  It is a regret that I lived with for a lot of years.  We lost Rich last year to Leukemia.  When I got the news, I was heartbroken for this family.  I was blessed to be in town to pay my respects to the family.  We had grown apart over the years but when I showed up at the visitation, Rosie said, "There's my Holly".  It took me right back to all of those years ago.

Thank you Rich and Rosie for loving me..and teaching me how to shine His kind of light into the world.