All The Nopes

I had the opportunity to go to the beach last weekend for a much needed getaway with some new friends.  I am part of an online community of women who first came together to launch a book and have been pouring into each other's lives ever since.  I had met some of these women in real life before, but only for a few minutes of conversation.

Since we had five days together with little to no agenda, except for sitting on the beach under our umbrellas and eating some amazing food, we had plenty of time for the sharing of our stories.  I loved getting to know more about each and every one of them.  Some talked more than others but I was able to get know each one of the other nine ladies better than I had known them before.  We had women ranging from the 30 range to almost 70.  We all had so much to learn from each other.

As you can imagine, I shared a lot of stories.  I shared stories that made us all laugh and stories that made some eyes leak.  I shared stories of my life before I met Jesus and I shared stories of all that He has done for me since I met Him.  Through tears, I even shared the story of that horrific day when I first heard the voice of God.  The day that God would use to capture my heart forever.

One theme that I noticed in a lot of my stories was how I don't readily move when God asks me to do something.  Isaiah 30:21 says "Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it".  So imagine if you will that I hear this voice and my response is nope.  Holly, I want you to walk this way and forgive your Dad.  Nope.  Holly, I want you to work for this small company that needs your exact skill set.  Nope.  When God asks me to do something that I know is going to make me uncomfortable, my first reaction is usually nope.

I have been lucky, as God has made many paths clear on my journey to where I am today.  Obviously, there are many times that I am just walking in the direction that He last told me to walk, like now.  I have no idea what the future holds, but I know that the last things that He told me were to work at HERO and to write my book.  So I am currently walking that out until He tells me what's next.  I am trying to walk in a manner worthy of the calling He has placed on my life, but it is hard sometimes.

I came home from the beach weekend filled to overflowing.  I also came back with a renewed focus on getting back to doing my bible study in the morning.  As Priscilla Shirer and I were having a chat about The Armor of God, her words sucker punched me.  She said, "Like a teenager who dutifully cleans his room because he's told to, yet does it with a seething anger and distaste for his parents, we sometimes obey God on the outside while simmering in disobedience on the inside."

As I read those words, I remembered all of the times over the past weekend when NOPE to God was part of my story.  My issue wasn't a seething anger or a distaste for God, but I had definitely been doing one thing on the outside and feeling a whole other thing on the inside.  God will eventually convince me to follow the path He is trying to lead me down, but on the inside, I am doubting His goodness.  I am doubting His plan.  I am doubting His love for me.  Surely if He loved me He wouldn't take me down this hard path.  Just like the teenager, I am being obedient because God said so, not because I want to.

I know God's ways are good.  I know He is faithful.  He has proven Himself time and time again. He knows what He is doing in my life.  His path always makes sense after the fact.   My prayer is that God will continue to work on my heart so that my outside matches my inside.  I want to  immediately walk in obedience with a joy filled heart, knowing how lucky I am to have Him direct my path. I want to immediately trust that His plans are better than mine.  Most importantly, I want all of my nopes to become yeps. 

Sometimes He Wants Us To Do A New Thing

I am smack dab in the middle of a bible study called "The Armor of God" by Priscilla Shirer. I have studied quite a bit about the Armor of God over the years.  There were JBQ questions about it.  My friend Grace taught us all a song to sing every morning as we put on our armor.  Having said that, I highly recommend this study.  It is all about putting an action plan together on how to combat the attacks of the enemy.

While working on this study, she showed me something about Moses that I had never considered before.  It was pretty eye opening so I thought I would share it with all of you.

How many of you know that Moses was never allowed to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land?  The Lord spoke to Moses in Numbers 20:8 saying, "...speak to the rock before their eyes, that it may yield its water..."  If we move to Numbers 20:11 we see that "Moses lifted up his hand and struck the rock twice with his rod; and water came forth abundantly...." He wasn't allowed to enter the Promised Land with the Israelites simply because he struck the rock instead of speaking to it.  

Every time I have ever read that story, I always assumed that Moses only struck the rock out of frustration.  That very well may have been the case but my bible study showed me another perspective. If you go back to Exodus 17 when the Israelites were back in Horeb.  They were grumbling and complaining asking for water much like they would later do in Meribah.  The Lord told Moses in Exodus 17:6, "...and you shall strike the rock, and water will come out of it, that the people may drink....".

In case you missed it, in the past, God had asked Moses to strike the rock to bring the water so I can imagine it would be an easy mistake to strike the rock again.  Don't we always tend to do what has worked for us in the past.  I mean, c'mon, at one point Moses was acting out of obedience to strike the rock, but the next time he struck it, he was banned from entering the Promised Land with the Israelites?  

I started to think back to the times that I have leaned on God's previous instructions to handle a current situation.  I had a situation in the past where one of my employees thought that I wasn't qualified for a promotion that I had received.  He was pretty vocal about his opinions and tried to push against my authority at every level.  I prayed about how to handle the situation and the Lord made it clear that I was to stand my ground and explain to this employee why I was given the role and how it would benefit him to work together with me to make our department successful.  It was a hard tough conversation but by the time I had left the company, I had gained his respect and his friendship.

Fast forward to a more recent experience where I had been given some new authority at my job.  One of my co-workers was obviously unhappy about the situation.  I relied on my past experience and decided that I would stand my ground and explain to this guy how it would benefit him and how we should work together.  This was the exact wrong approach.  Things went from bad to worse.  In desperation, I went to Lord and asked Him why this guy was being such a jerkface to me.  God made it very clear that I was just to leave him be, that this man would come around but not if I continued to force the issue.    He is coming around.  Funny thing, God's plan is working. 

See the problem was, that I didn't take this new situation to the Lord and await His instruction.  I thought, "been there, done this" and I figured I had it under control.  I am learning that every situation is different.  Every person is different.  Every environment is different.  We can never know all of the aspects of a given situation so we must rely on the One who does.  

What current situation are you dealing with in the same way that God has asked you to deal with it in the past?  Is it possible that you need to take it to Him to get new instructions? Just something to think about.

The Priority of Morning

As you know by now, I'm in the middle of trying to write a book.  I started writing it towards the end of last year.  I really figured that it would have been done by now.  There have been several reasons why it has been taking me so long to write.

Some of the delay had to due with the fear of getting started.  Those old fears that we all face.  The ones that tell us we aren't hearing the Lord correctly.  The ones that convince us that we aren't enough.  Those lies that tell us that it won't even be worth it.  God was patient with me in the midst of my fears.  He walked with me as we worked through each of those fears and lies.

I finally faced my fears and reached out to my prayer warriors to lift me up as I was writing.  I started gaining traction but it wasn't going as quickly as I would like.  I kept running in to one particular roadblock, the heat of the day.

I would start each morning with the best of intentions.  I would get up in the morning with a plan to work, make dinner, and then write later in the evening.  My work day would start and I would find myself putting out fire after fire.  A lot of my co-workers live in Arizona.  They come on later in the day and I would find myself working with them well into the evening.  I would suddenly realize what time it was and would jump off the computer to try to get dinner on the table.  Most of the time, after sitting at my desk for 9 or 10 hours, the last thing I wanted to do was go back and sit in the office to write my book.  I would convince myself that tomorrow would be different.  Tomorrow, I would make myself get off on time and then I would write.  Invariably,  tomorrow would come and the day would get away from me once again.

I was so frustrated at not making any progress.  Then I read the devotional for day one in Priscilla Schirer's new 90 day devotional called Awaken.  It's called Morning.  She was talking about how the heat of the day's trials can melt us in our tracks.  It causes our strength and our resolve to disappear. She compared our energy to the manna that God provided the Israelites.  They knew that they had to make the gathering of manna a priority in the morning before the sun melted it away.  If they faithfully gathered the manna first thing in the morning, they would have all that they needed to meet the day's needs.  If they didn't, they would struggle to survive the day and would have to wait until the next morning to get their daily bread.
 

This illustration made me realize that my priorities were wrong.  If I put my quiet time with God and my writing at the end of the day, the heat of the day would melt away all of my energy.  God and the things He has specifically asked me to do, needed to be a priority.  So now, I start my morning with my quiet time and then I set aside an hour for writing.  This allows me to do the things that matter most.  It has also made the writing easier as my mind is renewed and refreshed first thing in the morning.

Changing the structure of my day has not only changed the speed of my work on my book.  It has changed the amount of peace that I have throughout my day.   I'm no longer dealing with feeling bad at the end of the day for not accomplishing what I had set out to do. I end the day feeling proud that I've worked towards my goals.  My dear friend Jeanne has been preaching about a morning quiet time for as long as I can remember and seeing it compared to manna helped me to see why.

Is there something in your life that should be getting the priority of your morning?  Would life be a little easier if you re-aligned some things?  It's definitely worth looking into.

Whooah, I'm Half Way There

Today I reached a milestone that has been a long time coming.  Many years ago, the seed was planted in my heart to write a book.  Over the years, I have had hundreds of people say to me, "Holly, you should write a book."  I've always just laughed it off.  I knew that I had some crazy stories to tell about my life but I didn't know the first thing about writing a book.

Towards the end of last year, my friend Anna was celebrating the anniversary of the finishing of her book.  I told her that in honor of her, I would start writing mine.  According to Anna, to officially start a book, you need to save a Word Doc with a working title and at least 3 sentences.  I wrote 700 words.  Then not another word after it until the end of May.  That's  when I realized that the only thing holding me back was fear.

God has shown me a glimpse of the path ahead for me and a lot of His plan relies on me begin obedient and writing this book.  I prayed about it, I cried about it.  I realized that I was just scared. So I leaned on the battle plan that my friend Andrea had helped me to put into place.  I increased my quiet time with the Lord and I reached out to my prayer warriors and asked them to storm the gates on my behalf.  

With that, I was able to move forward.  There have been a few hiccups along the way where my attempt to put words to things caused me some emotional distress.  It is one thing to share the story with a trusted friend and it is a whole other thing to write it in such a way that the reader feels like they are right there in the room with you.  More than anything, writing has been incredibly healing for me.

God has been with me through every word.  Friday morning, I was writing about the moment in 5th grade when the seed was planted in my heart that if God was truly a God who loved me, He would protect me. Since He wasn't protecting me, He must not love me. If God IS love and He wasn't loving me with His protection, than I must not be lovable.

While I was writing, trying to put into words exactly what it felt like at that moment to my 10 year old self, I began to weep. God was showing me the exact moment when that thought that has plagued me my entire life was planted into my heart.  As I was crying, I could feel the Lord whispering over me, I was right there, I was right there, I was right there. I know you couldn't see me in the midst of the pain Holly, but I never left you, I was right there.

I finished writing the paragraph and I hit save as it was time for me to clock in for work. I closed the file and at that moment, I received a text from a dear friend of mine who lives 1300 miles away. The text was a link to a sermon that she had just watched that she thought I needed to listen to. You guys....when I saw the title of the sermon, the tears came again. The Sermon was titled, "It's Not What It Looks Like: He's With You Always." God is so incredibly good to love us the way He does.

Today, I hit the halfway mark.  My friend Anna told me that the average book is about 50,000 words and today I passed 25,000.  I am proud of the work that I have put in to getting my story out of my head and onto paper.  It is a story of abandonment, abuse, generational curses, grief, loss, forgiveness, and redemption.  I can't wait to finish it.  

People keep asking me what's going to happen next.  Will I self-publish my book or will I try to find a publisher?  Honestly, I've tried not to think too much about it.  I've been learning over the past few years not to try to finish God's sentences.  I am trying to focus on the next right thing that God has asked me to do, knowing that He will make the connections for His will to be carried out.  No matter what that looks like. 

When I was back home, I talked to some friends about how I had asked God why it seemed like every time that I thought I could see the finish line,  He moved the target.  God had let me know that it was because He didn't want me to be striving towards a goal instead of living for today.  My friend Jennie piped up and said, "I don't think we are meant to know where the finish line is, we are just supposed to run the best possible race."  As I finish out the next 25,000 words, my prayer is that

God would give me the words to effectively bring the new good news of His grace.  Will you join me in that prayer as I continue on my journey?

Who Has He Proven Himself to Be?

I am a fan of Facebook.  I have been using it to keep up or catch up with friends for almost 9 years.  It has been a lifesaver to me after moving 1300 miles away from everyone I love.  I don't feel like I am completely missing out.   When I have prayer needs or a funny story to share, I can share it with the masses with one post.  There are a lot of good things about social media, but not all things are good.

I am a member of several groups on Facebook.  In one particular group, there was a misunderstanding about the actions that one of the figureheads of the group had taken. We will call her Sally.   Sally was posting things on her own social media that didn't line up with what we knew to be true based on conversations she had been having with those in the group.  It had appeared that Sally had intentionally lied to the group for her own personal gain.  It started with one person who noticed the discrepancy and they posted it in the group.  Then someone else commented on it saying that Sally was acting shady and something wasn't lining up.  It was a like a wildfire.  Within a matter of hours, accusations were being flung back and forth and the very character of this woman was being called into question over and over again.  There was no giving Sally the benefit of the doubt. People were demanding answers.

I sat back and watched this happening. I completely understood why all of these ladies were feeling hurt and betrayed based on what we were seeing but something wasn't sitting right with me.  By all appearances, we had been betrayed, but that betrayal didn't line up with who Sally had already proven herself to be.

We all know some people in our worlds who can pull off some pretty shady stuff.  When they act out or do something hurtful, we aren't really surprised.  They have a history of flying off the handle, or putting their needs before everyone else, or doing things to hurt others.  That wasn't the case with Sally.  Sally was someone we considered a friend.  Sally has always been genuine and authentic, sharing her heart with others.  Time and time again she has done the right thing, even in situations where it was going to cost her dearly.  She has personally loved on a number of us in the group and given us wisdom and guidance through her words.  So what I was seeing unfold before me just didn't make any sense.

I jumped into the middle of the group chat and mentioned that I was sure that Sally didn't intentionally do the things that she was being accused of and that Sally would be devastated when she got on-line and realize how much she had unintentionally hurt everyone.   I explained that I could understand why everyone had felt betrayed.  Even I wanted to know why everything had gone down the way that it did.  However, with no actual information and only what had been posted on social media, I reminded them of the importance of focusing on who Sally had already proven herself to be to us.

Now, you might think this blog post is about how things are so easily misinterpreted through social media, texts, emails and how nothing beats a good face to face communication.  While this is true, you would be wrong.  This is a blog post about how God hit me right upside the head with my own words.  He likes to do that to me from time to time.

As I was driving back to Florida, I was thinking about how quickly everyone in the group turned on Sally.  By the way, Sally was devastated.  It was all a misunderstanding.  Sally has apologized to the group numerous times and we are all back to loving each other again.  Anyway, I was thinking about how with one little action that didn't line up with what they thought should be happening, they turned against Sally and called into question the very nature of who she is.  I was driving and thinking about how glad I was that I didn't jump on that bandwagon.  I was feeling pretty prideful.  How many know that God can humble us very quickly?    God whispered every so gently to my soul, "How is that any different than the way you treat me?"  Ouch!!

God began to reveal to me how time and time again when things don't work out the way that I think they should, that one of my first reactions is to call into question the very nature of God.  He is so mean for allowing this to happen to me.  God must not love me or He wouldn't allow me to suffer this way. He doesn't care about me or He wouldn't ask me to do this hard thing.  I turn on Him so quickly.  I don't wait for clarity or an explanation.  I don't give God the chance to show me things from His perspective.

I need to be able to give God the same grace that I gave Sally.  When something doesn't look right and all appearances would have me believe that God is not looking out for me, I need to rely on who He has already proven Himself to be.  He has proven that He loves me, unconditionally.  Even when I pull away from Him, He works to woo me back.  To bring me in close so He can comfort me and heal me.  He encourages me.  He gives me the strength to keep going when I think the pain of something is too much.  He consistently works things out for my good in a way that I know it could have only come from God.  He is faithful to me.  To paraphrase Max Lucado, God has proven himself, now it's my job to trust Him.  May I never forget it.