2021 Word for the Year

In early December, 2019, I started formulating a plan in my head for what I thought 2020 would look like.  I figured that Bree and I would settle into married life.  I would go see a doctor about my back and finally do something about this chronic pain.  I thought my company would finally get the new software out into the world.  I expected to knock a few more states off of the "places I've been" map.  I had high expectations.  By the time January 1, 2020 hit, I already knew that 2020 was going to look nothing like I had planned.

Here is the Cliff's notes version of how 2020 actually went.

Dec 22, 2019 - My mom had a horrifying car accident that should've taken her life.  Instead, it took her foot completely off her leg.  Helping Mom through five months of surgeries, physical therapy, and waiting for the bone to heal changed up how I thought I was going to start the year. However, I was right where I was supposed to be.

My first meeting with the surgeon's office proved that I definitely needed spine surgery but I was going to have to lose another 30 more pounds first.  Just another delay in surgery.  Good thing I had already gotten a jump start on my weight loss by then.

Covid locked down any potential of knocking states off the map.  Several trips had to be cancelled, including one I was excited about to finally knock some of the New England states off my list.

My company did a great job of keeping its head above water but we are still working to release our new software to the public.  Covid has been a blessing and a curse for us.

My marriage couldn't handle the stress of all that 2020 brought to it.  We spent months in prayer, and counseling.  We separated in September.  It isn't what I wanted but it's where God has us right now. The details are ours.  Please don't pry or ask or push, even out of sincere concern.  Please don't blow up our phone and inboxes and DMs (or our friends').  Just hold us close to your heart in great love and pray for us whenever we come to mind.  Bree and I still care very deeply for each other and we are trusting God for whatever the future holds for us.

I ended up having that spine surgery in September, and if anything COULD go wrong, it DID.  The surgery didn't quite go to plan as my hard bones didn't want to cooperate with the drill. I scored a back brace that I am still wearing today.  I finally got strong enough to go home, only to find myself back in the hospital, a week later, with a blood clot and staph infections of multiple varieties.   They finally got me stable enough to go home, only to find out just a bit later that I can now add Vancomycin to my known allergies list.

Whew....I know....2020 was A LOT!!!

As you can imagine, when the year was drawing to a close, I had quite a bit of reflecting to do about 2020.  The first thing I did was try to find the positives.

I started the year trying to eat healthy but having a surgeon tell you that your spine might fall of itself is a very motivation weight loss tool.  I ended the year 94lbs lighter.  Don't mind that steep jump there in September.  That's when I tried to die.

I believe that I had the best surgeon on the planet working on my spine.  The issues that Dr. Rhee ran into had nothing to do with his expertise.  It had everything to do with my anatomy.  He fought through every obstacle during surgery, and there were many.  He never gave up.  Even after a 3 1/2 hour surgery became an 8 hour surgery, he stuck with me.  His P.A. Tracy Wheeler has also been a straight up blessing to me.  She believed in me from the moment that we met.  She has been kind and compassionate, even when I've cried over having to be in this brace a little longer.

Dr. Somayaji, Infectious Disease, handled that bacteria like a boss.  She showed it no mercy.

Bree sat at the hospital for 8 grueling hours during my surgery, providing everyone else updates along the way, even when the updates weren't really easing her mind.  All throughout my recovery, Bree continued to show up.  God seemed to work it out that on every hard day, Bree was there.  When I struggled through my first shower at home. When I went in for a routine follow up and ended up being re-admitted.  When the original MRSA diagnosis came.  When the dark cloud of depression started closing in on me, she was the one sitting by my side, holding my hand, pointing me back to my faith in God.   Reminding me of all that God had brought me through already.

Mom showed up for me in big and small ways. Our relationship has grown stronger through all of the trials of the year.

I had friends and neighbors show up for me in 2020, in ways that I didn't even know was possible. Friends talking me through the best in skilled nursing facilities for Mom.  Friends driving a long way and paying for a hotel so that I could sit with them and cry.  Friends stopping their lives to come take care of me after surgery.  Friends sleeping upright next to me on the couch to make sure I didn't stop breathing in the middle of the night. Friends offering to help clean or prepare meals.  Neighbors raking up the leaves in my yard.  Friends providing me a retreat on their deck so that I could simply figure out how to breath again.  I  received thousands of texts of encouragement in 2020.  Not to mention the prayers.  Oh, how I know that I am only upright because of all of the prayers.

Speaking of prayers, that has been a huge change for me towards the end of 2020.  I read the book "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson.  It was exactly what I needed.  I have been praying circles since then.  My prayers have become more intentional and more focused.  

The biggest positive has to do with my relationship with God. Everything in 2020 was so uncertain that I had no choice but to rely on God to get me through.  He pulled me in so close to Him. When I was lonely, I turned to Him for comfort.  It's seems crazy, but in this year of so much hurt, I finally realized how much God loves me.  His love for me is something I've struggled with my entire life.  I recently came across a blog post I wrote in 2016 that talks about that struggle.  You can read it here.  

I left 2020 knowing that God could be trusted.  He truly loves me, even when His guidance and direction brings pain.  I have said to Him a million times, "God, I don't know what you are doing, but I trust you."  I know that whatever He is doing, is ultimately for my good, and His glory.  I know it...deep down on the inside of me.  

So....what does all of this have to do with my word for the year?  Every year, I try to take some time and ask God what He wants for me in the year ahead.  What word can I take into the New Year that will help me to stay focused on the road He would have me walk?  At first, I thought my word for 2021 was going to be "unshakeable".  I have been praying for several years for God to make me unshakable.  That when hard times hit, I will be unmoved.  I think He is still working on that but I kept getting the sense there was something else for me.  He did give me the word thrive so I continued to pray into that one.  I think He was showing me that thrive is to be a "lifetime" word and not a word of the year.  He made it clear that I have spent most of my life simply surviving.  He wants more for me.  He wants me to have a life that thrives.  

I felt another word stirring inside of me.  Yesterday, I went for a walk in a rose garden with God.  I needed His peace to fill me up.  As we walked, I talked to Him about my 2020 and asked Him to confirm the word that I thought He was showing me.  I kept walking, and my Spotify shuffled onto "Gracefully Broken" by Tasha Cobbs Leonard. At the beginning of the song, she is talking.  She talks about how when God breaks you, He doesn't hurt you...He doesn't destroy you.  He does it with grace.  When I heard those words, I thought back to 2020 and all of the breaking that was done so gracefully.  So much of it could've, and maybe should've, destroyed me.   She kept singing and the words "Here I am, God - arms wide open" came out of her mouth.  Anyone walking by would have wondered who that crazy lady was who was sobbing in the rose garden with her arms in the air.  The more she sang, the more confirmation came.  My word for 2021 was "surrender."  Since God is so good, and He wanted me to be sure, He made sure the next song to shuffle through was "My Life is in Your Hands" by Kirk Franklin.  When it started, I simply laughed out loud and said, "I got it, God."

I've had this bad habit lately of praying for what I want, justifying it with James 4:2 which says, "You have not, because you ask not."  However, God showed me that I was trying to control Him with my prayers.  I would pray things like, "make this person read this scripture and make it convict them." or "God, bring money into our company in this way."  God has asked me to surrender those types of prayers.  It is okay for me to pray for someone to be healed, or for provision for our company, or for my marriage to be restored.  It is not okay for me to tell God how to go about doing it.  I need to release control (as if I have any anyway).

That is what God is asking of me in 2021.  To abandon myself.   To continue to stay ever so close to Him.  To listen to His direction and guidance for every single step.  To rely on Him for the strength to move forward every day.  To seek comfort from Him when I'm overwhelmed. He knows the wants and desires of my heart.  He is asking me to surrender my thoughts, hopes, and ideas of how He should go about making those wants and desires come true. 

What is God asking of you in 2021?  I would love to hear about it and pray with you for His will to be accomplished.