What Do You Want Me To Do For You?

We have been talking about planning a family vacation to South Dakota.  Mom wants to take a road trip and after her accident, she isn't sure she could make it alone.  As we've been planning, Josh reminded me about the last time the three of us took a vacation together.  I clearly remember sitting on the ground near the exit to Disney World.  I had called my friend Beth on the phone and said, "If I ever, and I mean ever, tell you that I am going on vacation with my mom, remind me of this day."  Well, Beth is no longer with us, so Josh reminded me instead.  

I've spent some time in the last few weeks reflecting on that trip to Disney World and what it was that made it so awful.  We aren't sure of exactly how long it's been but we figure it's close to at least 17 years.  Mom had been recently diagnosed with a neurological condition that was causing some mobility issues.  We had gone to Mayo, which was less than helpful.  They weren't sure exactly what was happening to Mom or how quickly it would progress.  So, Mom wanted to take Josh to Disney World before she got too sick to go.  She purchased a mobility scooter and off we went.  Mom was fairly new to riding around on a scooter, and I was fairly new to her not being able to do everything for herself.  I spent a lot of the trip hollering at her to "look out" for people who she tried to run over with her scooter.  I also spent most of the trip trying to anticipate her every need.  I would grab an arm and help her in and out of the rides.  I would ask her a thousand times a day if she was okay or needed anything. I was being "helpful".  For some reason, Mom's attitude became worse and worse throughout the day.  She kept getting short with me and snapping at me for no reason.  I really started resenting her attitude and communication became increasingly difficult.  The last and final straw was a stubborn argument where she refused to follow me to the exit and told her I would just meet her there.   After sitting on the ground for over an hour (and calling Beth), I finally went looking for her and a screaming match ensued.  

In the car, on the way to dinner, she kept trying to talk to me and I kept telling her, "I have no interest in anything you have to say and please stop talking to me."  I must've said that like 20 times.  We got to the Denny's and I was in the bathroom washing my hands when my Mom walked up behind me and angrily said, "I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and if I need your help, I will ask for it."  I was so incredibly angry that she said that to me.  I was so worn out from doting over her all day and now she was trying to make me feel bad for it.   However, looking back I can see that Mom was just getting used to not being able to do things for herself, and my constant "helping" was making her feel helpless.  

Why am I telling you this story?  Probably because God has a funny way of circling me back to the past to teach me lessons in the here and now.  God has been revealing to me in the last few months that I still have a lot of things to work on.  I have patterns of behavior that are so ingrained in me that I don't even realize what I'm doing.   Those patterns didn't come about because I'm a horrible person, they came about because I have lived a hard life and my body and mind has done what was necessary for my survival.  That doesn't mean I am stuck that way.  I am making the choice to learn what I can to break out of those habits, patterns, and mindsets.

We discussed in my last blog post that I realize that I am a codependent.  The more that I study and learn, the more I realize where I need to improve.  One of those areas is my need to be "helpful".  I like to anticipate people's needs and help them with things.   I've always thought that was a good trait to have.  I thought it made people feel loved and like they mattered.  I think it CAN make people feel that way but it can also be taken to the extreme.  When I "help" people do things that they can be or should be doing for themselves, it can make them feel inferior.  It can make them feel like I don't value their abilities.  This has come up in personal relationships and work relationships.  

Recently, something went haywire with someone's authorizations at work. I had been working with our Admin Director and she saw the same thing with this person's user account.  I sent her a message that said, "Can you reset all of the authorizations?"  She did, but she also came back to me later and asked me if I really thought that she would see that the authorizations had failed and not take the action to resolve them.  In my head, I was trying to be "helpful", making sure that everything got resolved, but to her, it made it seem like I doubted her ability to recognize a problem and resolve it.  It was very eye opening and I am so glad she felt comfortable enough with me to address the way that I made her feel.  

Not only does my need to "help" cause others to feel some kind of way, it is very detrimental to me as well.  Trying to anticipate the needs of others is exhausting.  You are always looking at every input from the person, trying to figure out what it could mean.  Then you go out of your way to "do" or "be" what you think the other person needs/wants.  When they come back to you with frustration, you get angry that they don't appreciate all of the "helping" that you've been doing.  I mean..think about it...you are getting angry for not being appreciated for doing something that they never asked you to do in the first place.  Another problem is that trying to "be" and "do" everything for everybody leaves you feeling like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.  God is showing me that the weight was never mine to carry in the first place.

The hardest lesson for me to learn is that I don't have all the answers.  A friend told me the other day that analytical helpers, like me, are the worst kind because we are arrogant enough to believe that we know what is best for other people.  Ouch!  That hit really close to home.  I found so much truth in those words.  When I stepped back and analyzed a few of my relationships, I could see how right he was.  I can only decide what is best for me.  I have no idea what is best for anyone else or what others might find "helpful."

As I've been reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, I came across these words.  "Jesus helped many people, but He was honest and straightforward about it.  He didn't persecute people after He helped them.  And He asked them what they wanted from Him.  Sometimes He asked why, too."

God keeps bringing to my mind the story of Blind Bartimaeus in Mark 10. The blind man ran to Jesus and Jesus turned to him and said, "What do you want me to do for you?"  Jesus could easily see that Bartimaeus was blind and He could probably conclude that Bartimaeus wanted to see.  And yet, Jesus still asked the question.  If Jesus thought it was important to ask, perhaps it's something that I need to think about as well.

I am trying to learn to ask, "How can I best support you right now?" or "Do you need my help/advice with this situation or did you just want to talk through it with me?"  I am not going to get it right all the time but I am recognizing the need for a change in this area.  I am praying that God will continue to reveal to me when my helping is hurting.  In the meantime, I'm going to keep practicing.