People.....People Who Need People

When I lived in Kansas City, I had a 37 mile commute to work.  Now, I have a 37 step commute, and that's only if  I stop for a cup of coffee on the way to the office.  I absolutely love the fact that I can go to work in my pajamas.  I usually remember to brush my teeth but I very rarely have to put a bra on.  I am living the dream......except that sometimes....I hate that I work from home.

I am a people person by every definition of the word.  I love people.  Okay....I love "most" people.   I need people.  I even lean towards people pleasing.... but God is working on that one.  :)  People feed my soul. God designed me to be in fellowship with many different types of people.

One of the things that frustrated me the most at my last job was that the boss frowned upon any type of behavior that might result in camaraderie or relationship building.  I caught the side eye a time or two for talking to my co-workers, even if I was consoling a friend who had just lost their dog.  In one  meeting, she told us that she was going on a business trip and while she was gone, she wanted us Managers to stay in our offices and not talk to each other.   I still made a few good friends who I get the chance to talk to from time to time.  It was a crazy work environment for someone like me.

So now...I work from home.  Alone....in my home office.  I have two dogs but they don't talk back to me.  Don't get me wrong, I work with an incredible group of people.  There isn't a day that goes by that I am not on the phone with one of them or sending instant messages back and forth.  They encourage me to do the things God is calling me to do.  They remind me to breathe when they know that I am feeling a little overwhelmed.  They pray for me on a regular basis.  They have become family to me.  

No matter how awesome my new work family is, there is something missing.  What is missing is the ability to get up and walk down the hall to say hello to someone else.  At my job back in Kansas City, there were several places that one could find me if I wasn't in my office  The Customer Service Department had a chair in the back of one of the rows that was affectionately called the "Jesus" chair.  There were times when I would just need to escape and sit in that chair, among friends, and pray.  I was also known to go into any number of offices and shut the door.  The conversations that I had in those offices, you know who you are, sustained me through a very difficult season.  I have a sneaking suspicion that those office conversations were a blessing to those folks as well.

We are designed to live and work in community.  I think that has been the hardest struggle with living in Florida.  You can have quick access to the beach and the most amazing winters, but they mean very little without friends to share them with.  I knew there was a void but I didn't realize how HUGE it was until I spent almost 6 weeks back in Kansas City between Christmas and helping my Mom with her move.  I was able to go to church services, bible studies, family fun nights, birthday parties, dinner with friends, small group nights, and sit on the couch with friends nights.  Oh, how I soaked up every minute of it.  It was so incredibly hard to leave all of them to go back to home.   Don't get my wrong, I couldn't wait to get back to Leanna, and my own bed, and a normal routine but I knew I was going to miss "community".  

As I mentioned last week, Florida is the stone that God has asked me to push.  He has us here for now and we don't know how long it will be before He releases us to go home.  Until then, I'm learning that I have to do something about finding "community" down here.  Working from home is awesome but I need to find reasons to get out of the house around other people.   I am reaching out to friends to see about having lunch.  We are researching some new churches in the area that we can try.  I have been looking for some volunteer opportunities where I might be able to get plugged in with some like minded people in our area.  I am open to other suggestions if any of you have some good ideas.

I spent the first 39 years of my life in Kansas City.  I have friends from as far back as middle school that I still talk to.  I have carry over friends from different places I've worked over the years.  I have an awesome group of people from church that still pour into my life.    I am truly blessed in the friendship category and not just surface friends.  I truly have an incredible tribe of people who speak life to me.  When I was thinking about needing to come back home and start to build community here, my first thought was "It will take years to build those types of relationships in Florida." Then God whispered to my spirit, "It will take even longer if you don't get started now." 

I am starting to recognize that this sense of community isn't just about meeting my needs either.  God is reminding me that He has given me the gift of encouragement.  He is reminding me that as much as I need other people, there are other people who need me.  They need my willingness to be vulnerable with the life God has allowed me to walk.  They need me to give them the gift of "me too".  He is showing me that my time here is wasted if I am not out loving on those around me.  

So...I can continue to lament about the loneliness I feel here.  I can long to go back to Kansas City where my people are....or I can get busy changing my circumstances down here. I can go out into the world around and find some people to love.   I can start now.  It's really my choice. I choose to find a way to make it happen..and if it doesn't come easy.....that's okay.  I'm kinda known for not giving up.  

Be Brave With Your Words

There is a phrase that I use all the time.  I will be trying to explain something or attempting to put my thoughts into some sort of sentence that makes sense and I will get frustrated and just say "and all the words".  I get frustrated because I know that words are important and I want to be able to say what I am thinking.

I could write this blog post about how your words can help people or they can hurt people.  I could write about how words can be used like a weapon against someone or they can be used to lift someone up out of a very dark place.  I could write about that as those things are true, but that is talked about all of the time.  I feel like God wants me to share something different about our words.  I feel like He is teaching me to be brave with my words.

God is slowly showing me that it is okay for me to share my words with people.  For those who know me, they are laughing, as I've never been at a loss for words.  I can tell stories for days.  I am talking about words that are seemingly hard to say at the time.  Words that need to be said but we are too afraid to say them.

Words that we say to our significant others when they are doing things that are hurting us.

Words  that we say to a close friend when we see that they are heading down a wrong path.

Words that we say to our children when they need some tough love.

Words that we say to our families when the family feuds have been going on for too long.

Words that we say to co-workers when they are making mistakes and need guidance and correction.

Words that we say to therapists that will reveal our deepest darkest struggles.

Words that we say to God when we are just downright honest with how we are feeling.

Sharing those kinds of words are not always easy but they are so necessary.  I have found over the years that I do a really good job of biting my tongue and stuffing my words down deep. Keeping everything locked inside.  Trying not to make too many waves.   God is showing me how often I do this and is slowly teaching me to be brave with my words.  Just a month or so ago, this song by Sara Bareilles was brought to my attention.  It's called Brave and you can listen to it by clicking here.  That song has played in my head a million times since then.

There is a verse in the song that says: 

Everybody's been there,
 Everybody's been stared down by the enemy

 Fallen for the fear

 and done some disappearing,

 Bow down to the mighty,

 Don't run, just stop holding your tongue

Sometimes I've failed to say words because I know they will be faced with anger or rejection in return.  It seems easier stay silent.

Sometimes I have failed to say words because I don't want the other person  to feel like I think that I am better than them.   Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Sometimes I've failed to say words because I haven't felt worthy to have a voice.  God says I'm worthy.

Biting our tongue and holding back the words always seems like the easiest answer, but there is a price to pay for doing that.

• People in our lives continue hurting us because we haven't been clear with our expectations.  
• Our friends are missing out on the iron sharpening iron moments.  
• Our children go on thinking that the way they are behaving is okay.
• We continue to get caught up in the family feuds.  
• Our co-workers continue to frustrate us every single day and they don't even realize they are doing anything wrong.  
• Our therapists can't provide good solutions because we haven't been honest with the struggles.  
• God already knows our hearts but not taking our words to Him builds a wall between us.  

Don't get me wrong.  There is a time and place to hold our tongues.  I am not advocating for everyone to go on Facebook and tell every person exactly what you think.  I am just saying to take a minute and pause when you find yourself not saying something that needs to be said.  Are you holding your tongue out of fear?  Take it to the Lord and ask Him if now is the time to be brave with your words.

Stop Expecting the Stone To Move

I taught a message at a women's retreat once about not finishing God's sentences.   Before I started sharing the lesson that God had shown me, I shared the following story.

"In a dream, God told a man to go outside and push against a huge boulder in his front yard.  So every morning for the next few weeks, the man went outside and strained against the rock.  He pushed and groaned and prodded and shoved, but the rock never budged.  

Finally, in a fit of exasperation, the man fell to his knees and lifted his eyes to heaven.  "What were you thinking, Lord? " He cried, wiping sweat from his brow. "You told me to push this rock, and I've been pushing it for weeks, yet it has not moved an inch!"

A voice from heaven rumbled among the clouds, then whispered in the man's ear. "I told you to push the stone," God said, "I didn't tell you to move it.  I'm the only one who can move it, and when you're ready, I will.  By the way, look at your hands."

The man looked at his hands.  They had grown callused and tough with the work, and his arms bulged with muscles.  Though his efforts seemed fruitless, he had grown strong; and now he was beginning to grow wise."

The first time God taught me this lesson was in relation to meeting my Dad.  I knew that God had asked me to reach out to my Dad with a letter of forgiveness.  I did what God asked me to do and it really, really hurt.  It didn't look anything like I thought it would.  I was so angry at God for the way my Dad reacted to my letter.  God gently reminded me that He didn't tell me there would be restoration in our relationship.  He reminded me that He didn't tell me to expect instant healing in my heart regarding the abandonment that I had felt over the years.  He reminded me that He simply asked me to send the letter.  I am the one who put all of the other expectations around what God had asked of me.  (You can read more about the letter to my Dad by clicking HERE.)

It is overwhelming to me how many times God has had to remind me of that story and the message that I shared back in 2013.  He needs to constantly remind me to not finish His sentences.  He has to remind me that I need to leave my expectations out of it and simply walk in faith.   Today, as I was reading my morning devotional, He reminded me yet again.

I know that God asked us to move to Florida.  Here's the thing, He didn't tell us why. Today's devotional talked about how God told Abraham that he would be a father of nations but He didn't tell Abraham how or when.  Abraham tried to finish God's sentence for Him.   He tried to take matters into his own hands with Hagar.  There really wasn't anything Abraham could do but wait on God to walk out what He had promised.

God is teaching me that lesson too...to wait.   Everything in me wants to look over the past three years and try to put my finger on the reason that I think He sent us down here.  To somehow discover that His purpose has been fulfilled so that I can get back home.    What He is teaching me is that I need to quit trying to finish His sentences.  He didn't say, "Go to Florida until ____ is accomplished".  He said, "Go to Florida".  Just like the story that I started this post with, Florida is the stone that God has asked me to push.  I want to know why it isn't moving, but He didn't ask me to move it.  Florida is changing me.  It is testing my faith and causing my roots to grow deeper.   It is teaching me to put my faith and trust in Him... to show me each next step... when He knows that I am ready to take them.

I think all of us would prefer that when we are obedient to what God is asking of us, that the reward would be immediate. He just doesn't work that way.  He could give us the entire sentence but He prefers that we stay in a position to constantly seek His will for our lives.  That we are continually trusting Him to guide our steps.  That we are resting in the fact that He is God and we are not...and He will finish His sentences at the perfect time for us.  He will never pull us along faster than our ability to follow Him.

We Have a Choice in How We Remember

Let me tell you what I know about memories.  What I know is that I experience memories very intensely.  I was recently watching a video that my brother had recorded on the day after my nephew took his first steps.  Oh, the flood of emotion, hearing  Bob's voice after all of these years as he spoke to Josh on the video.  I couldn't see Bob's face, but I didn't need to.  I could hear him encouraging his son to walk to him.  I could hear his laughter as Josh fell down, time and time again. There are no words to describe the memories that came back to  me just from hearing his voice.  I remembered the night before he died, and all the words he said to me around his kitchen table.  There were really good words.  My brother encouraged me that night.  He told me that he was proud of me.  He told me that he knew how hard I had been fighting to get my life back under control and he wanted me to see the progress I was making.  I also remember the really hard words that my brother said to me that night.  He made me promise him that if anything ever happened to him, that I would take care of his son.  I blew him off, of course.  Why were we talking about these things when my brother was only 26 and I was only 22?  I pretty much just told him to shut up....but he insisted.  Of course I would take care of Josh, I loved him like he were my own.  With that response, my brother was satisfied.

The other night, watching the video, my mind wanted to take me to a dark place.  It wanted to take me to the moment, not 12 hours later, when a reckless driver took my brother's life right before my eyes. Every fiber of my being, every dendrite, was firing off as fast as it could in my body.  I started to feel all of my senses coming to life.  In the past, if I allowed it, I would have been standing right back at the scene of the accident.  Smelling the carnage, hearing the sirens, seeing my nephew's sweet face in the back of my brother's car, still strapped in.  Not this time!! This time, I decided not to allow the wonderful memories of my brother's voice and my brother's laughter to turn into memories of all that I had lost.  I chose to reflect back on those memories and look for all of the amazing ways that God showed up.  I didn't even know God back then...but He knew me...and He was there, even in the midst of that chaos.  Even when I couldn't see Him.  He orchestrated that conversation between Bob and I, the night before He died.  Bob would have no way of knowing that he was going to die, in a matter of hours, in a tragic car accident.  My brother had said a lot of nice things to me in the past, but he had never told me that he was proud of me.  Oh how I hung on to those words over the years. My promise to my brother that night, to take care of his son, changed me forever.  God used every ounce of it to draw me to Him.

I guess I'm not sure why I am sharing all of this, except for maybe to say....we have a choice.  God has me walking through a season of remembering.  I have been  flooded with memories of some really hard times and some really great loss.  I could let each memory overwhelm me and take me to a sad/dark place or I can choose, for once, to seek out the good things that happened in that time and place, or as a result of it.  God can and does bring amazing things out of even the hardest times.  I pray that you'll let Him show you the good that has come from some of the hard things that you've walked through or are walking through now.  When hard memories come back to your mind, try to redirect them and find the good in them.   Ask Him to show you.

Show Me Your Will

I posted the following status on Facebook back in December. 

 -Is it possible that while we are busy begging God, "Show me Your will" that He is shouting back at us, "Show me yours?"-  

Some people immediately said things like "love it!', "truth",  or "can I share." A couple of people didn't understand what it meant.  Some people private messaged me asking for clarification and one person suggested a write a blog post about it.  So here is that blog post.

I spent a lot of time in prayer in 2016.  Specifically, I consistently prayed for God to show me His will for my life.  What did He want from me?  What did His plans look like?  What would He have me do next?  I kept praying and praying and I couldn't hear Him. I kept asking God to drop a job in my lap.  I kept asking Him to heal my body that was so badly broken.  I kept pleading with Him to break through the darkness that was taking over my mind.   He would show me things that He had in store for me, and I would dismiss them in my mind as impossibilities.  I found myself wrestling with God.  He would show me things and I would say back to Him, "I can't" or "I won't".  

Somewhere along the way, I read (or heard) this, "Do we only want a breakthrough if it looks like a shortcut" and that hit me square in the face.  I didn't want to walk through the hard stuff any more.  I wanted God to just make things good.  I just wanted Him to snap His fingers and wave His magic wand and make everything right in my world again. I didn't want a breakthrough if it meant that I had to continue to walk a hard road until God was able to shape and mold me into who He wanted me to be.  

I think God has been showing me His will for my life for quite some time.  He has put visions and desires in my heart that I have been too afraid to walk out because they felt too hard and I felt unqualified.  I had become apathetic to the calling that He was sharing with me.  He has been faithful to send person after person into my life to encourage me to do the things that He is asking me to do.  Most of these people don't even know the calling that I've been avoiding.  They see His goodness in me...and they see the gifts that He has blessed me with and they have been brave enough to call it out in me.  

So along came the quote that I posted on Facebook.  Is it possible that while we are busy begging God, "Show me Your will" that He is shouting back at us, "Show me yours?"  God had been showing me His will for my life over and over again and now He was asking me to show Him my willingness to carry it out.  The word 'will' has many definitions.  It can mean a wish or desire and it can also mean the power to choose our own actions.  Sometimes, it is really easy for me to check out of life or give up on the dreams I have and I hear God saying to me..."show me your will Holly."  He's shown me what His desire is for my life but will I show Him my desire to walk out what He is asking.  

God gives us free will. Which means that we have the power to choose our own actions. We can choose the path we walk.   We can choose to do the things He is asking of us, even when they are hard, or we can choose not to.  The choice is ours.  May we consistently choose for our will to line up with His. May we have the strength and courage to trust that His will is best. When He asks us to submit to His best for our lives, may we always answer with, "I will".