BUT, I love you

There was a Facebook post recently that questioned some mainstream thinking along theological lines.  There was some back and forth but it was this comment from an acquaintance that stuck in my gut,  "But I love people too much to allow them to believe lies that will cost them for an eternity.  Love tells the truth even when it's hard or hurts."  I have been wrestling with why it affected me so much.  I will do my best to put words to my feelings here.

There is not one Christian denomination that does not believe that God is LOVE.  You will hear it from every pulpit, regardless of doctrine or theology.  What I have found is that "love" means something different to each of them.  

Recently, "love" has looked like me being told that while the pastor loves my spirit and my heart for worship and prayer and that he loves that I sit in the front row and participate with my whole heart....and that I'm a blessing..... I will never be allowed to become a member of his church or serve in any official capacity.  

Recently, "love" has looked like being asked to leave a prayer group because it made the other members uncomfortable to pray with me now that it's obvious I don't believe the way they do.  It's not that I've stopped believing in Jesus, I've just stopped agreeing with all of the doctrines of the "church."  

Recently, "love" has looked like being told that - in the eyes of God- I will never be married.

This "love" has been extremely hurtful.  Every single person who has "loved" me in this way has gone out of their way to say, "BUT, I love you," which some how makes their actions seem okay in their eyes.  That kind of love feels nothing like the love that I feel from Jesus.

Love doesn't cast out.  Love doesn't push aside.  Love doesn't make others feel like less than.

Love is  patient
Love is kind
Love does not envy
Love does not boast
Love is not proud
Love does not dishonor others
Love is not self-seeking

Love is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth
Love protects
Love trusts
Love hopes
Love perseveres

If your actions and your attitude towards others don't line up with these things...it probably doesn't feel very loving to the person who is on the receiving end.

But Holly....we are sharing the truth "in love".  Here's the truth...the Bible is the LIVING word of God.  You can read a scripture in January that the Holy Spirit will use to speak right to where you are walking and then read the same scripture again in August and the Holy Spirit will use it to speak a different truth.  Same scripture - different truths.

The Bible was used for decades to justify slavery.  The Bible was then used for decades to justify banning interracial marriage.  The Bible is currently being used to justify the way homosexuals are being treated in society.

I have spent twenty years digging into scripture.  I have read numerous commentaries from those who are certain homosexuality is a sin and from those who are certain it isn't.  It is amazing how many different interpretations you can find on just one verse of scripture.   How do we know who is right and who is wrong?  We don't.  We must take it to the Holy Spirit who has been given to us, to guide and direct us on our walk.  We must pray for wisdom and discernment.  This is really all any of us can do.

What I struggle with is those who are 100% certain of their rightness--that their interpretation of the scripture is the only truth.  I am not 100% certain of my rightness and my beliefs have changed and grown.  God knows when I am ready to stretch Him outside of the box that I've put Him in.  I have found that those who are so certain can only come to the conclusion if I don't agree with them, that I am listening to the enemy...or my feelings...or my flesh...or my emotions...or "the world"...or Jen Hatmaker... and letting them dictate "truth" in my life.  It can't possibly be that I have diligently studied the scripture and come to a different conclusion than them.

But Holly....I love you too much to let you keep sinning without pointing out your sin.  I am glad that you love me and thank you for your concern.  You have pointed out that you think I'm sinning.  I don't believe it's sin.  Now, where do we go from here?   Can you treat me the way that you do every other sinner in your life....so basically...everyone?  Does agreeing to disagree have to lead to separation?   Even if you are right, why does my sin exclude me from basic rights and inclusion, when yours doesn't?

I have spent twenty years remaining silent.  I have played by "the rules."  I became someone that I wasn't in an attempt to "fit in" with the church.  I let pastors and mentors speak "truth" to me about who I had to be and how I had to act in order to be "right" with the Lord.  Anyone who knows my story knows that I have spent my life in worship, service, and obedience to the Lord.  My eyes are fixed squarely on Jesus, and last I heard....that was the key to my salvation.  God knows my heart and knows that I am doing my best to seek His will for my life...and share His love with the world.   I am a work in progress, and good Lord willing...I will be until the day that I die.

One Day, One Breath, One Prayer at a Time

Empty, angry, frustrated, sad, supported, hated, grieving, hopeful, rejected, lost, loved, questioning, scared, thankful - these are just some of the words that could be used to describe how I felt in 2018.  A long chapter of my life came to an end last year, and as I shut the door behind me, I found myself numb and confused on a path that I never thought I would walk.

In many ways, it feels like God has picked me up and put me back to where I was 15 years ago.  It's like He is giving me a do over.  He has been asking me to finally trust Him.  He wants me to place my entire life in His hands and trust HIM to guide my steps. He has been revealing to me how much of my life has been influenced by the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others.  So many decisions in my life have been an attempt to make others feel better; to make them proud; to fit in; to feel loved; to be enough; to not be too much.  So much so, that along the way, I lost myself.  I lost the person that God had created and redeemed me to be.       

I didn't know what 2018 was going to hold.  So much life change was coming at me so quickly.  I spent a lot of time on my knees, begging God to show me how this was all going to turn out.  I wanted to know that this path I was walking down wasn't going to kill me.  I wanted to know that the pain that I was feeling wouldn't last forever.  I wanted all the answers but God wanted me to trust Him. 

With each step last year, God kept laying it on my heart to "do the next right thing."  He didn't want me worried about what was ahead.  He wanted me to focus on the next step in the process and not think about the millions of other things that would come down the road.  He would give me guidance and direction for the very next step, and nothing more.  I would have to trust that the direction He was guiding me in, was for my good. 

When all of the hurt, struggle, and pain became too overwhelming, God sent me a song.  He knows that one of my love languages is music.  He knew this song would speak to me.  I heard Christa Wells sing at an Ellie Holcomb concert in April.  Her new album had just released and Ellie let her sing her song called Velveteen.  She wasn't even finished singing before I looked her up on Spotify and downloaded her new album.  Later that night, as I was listening through the album, I stumbled across the song One Day  Tears ran down my face as her song put words to what God had been trying to show me. 

I didn't need to try to swallow the ocean.  I just needed to take it one day, one breath, one prayer, one step, and one hope at a time. I have listened to that song at least a thousand times in the past year.  I have shared it with others more times than I can count.  It is a constant reminder for me to not try to get ahead of God and His plans for me.  All I need to do is simply lay my life at His feet every single day.

My favorite part of the song is where she sings:

Oh, I see you laughing on the other side
Where the walls have tumbled and the flowers grow wild
Oh, I see you laughing on the other side
With your broken heart under open sky

It reminded me that life wasn't always going to be this hard.  That the heaviness I was feeling wasn't going to last forever.  If I kept taking it one day, one breath, and one prayer at a time..I was going to come out on the other side.  That I would find joy again.  That I would find laughter.  That I would find happiness. 

I have no idea what 2019 will bring.  I don't need to know.  I will keep my eyes fixed on the One who made me and I will take it one step at a time. I am excited to see where He leads me.

Grieve and Rejoice

As many of you know, God asked me to write a book, but what you may not know is that I finished the first draft in December.  Writing my story was one of the most difficult and most healing things that I've ever done.  You will be hearing a lot more about the book in the very near future as I start the process to prepare it to be self-published.  The book tells the story of how the devil tried to derail my life when I was a child by sending all manner of evil into it; how God used the most tragic day of my life to capture my heart; and how with Jesus...redemption and restoration are possible.

Why am I telling you this today of all days?  Today is the 20th Anniversary of that most tragic day. Today is the day when my very best friend, my brother, was killed in a car accident right in front of me.  He was 26 and I was 22.  He had a full life ahead of him and a precious 2 year old son who needed his daddy.

In "Girl, Wash Your Face", Rachel Hollis talks about her brother's suicide.  She also talks about how weird it is to look back and feel both the sting of the loss and to also see the good that has come as a result.  I loved reading those words from her, as that feeling is all too familiar to me.

See, remembering the loss today is more real and raw than it has been in years.  Perhaps it's because it is so hard to believe that it's been 20 years, or perhaps it's because I just spent most of last year writing about it.  It was incredibly difficult to go back and put myself at the scene of the accident again.  There are no words to describe the anguish I felt as I relived those darkest of days after I lost him, where the emptiness and the hopelessness threatened to consume me forever. 

And yet......

There are also no words for the good it did my heart to go back to that season of life and remember those first audible words I heard the Lord say to me.  I took myself back to the day I laid in the mud in the cemetery and allowed God to comfort my heart in the ways that only He can.  Looking back helped me remember how God took that most tragic day and made so much good come from it.

I miss Bob...I will always miss him.  There will always be an empty Bob sized hole in my heart...and he was a BIG guy...so it's a big hole.  I don't just miss him on March 4th, or October 15th (his birthday), I miss him often.  I am constantly aware of his absence.  When I am going through a rough season, I still wonder what advice he would give to me if I could call him.  When I get to spend time with his son Josh, I wonder how different he would be if he would have grown up with his daddy who loved him beyond  measure.

The accident didn't have to happen for God to capture my soul, but since it did happen...I am  so grateful that God didn't waste the opportunity to grab a hold of me.  It was the promise that I would get to see Bob again in heaven that drew me to God in the first place...little did I know that God had so much more to offer.  I am who I am today because of Jesus.  He has begun a good work in me, and He will be faithful to complete it. 

I know that I have friends that are currently grieving fresh losses of their own.  So much fresher than a 20 year anniversary.  My  prayer is that God will continue to comfort them right where they are, for as long they need to grieve.  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' quote has always resonated with me.  It doesn't matter if it is the one year anniversary or the 20th.....any one who has lost someone they have deeply loved...will never be the same....nor should they want to be. However, I do hope that, in time, they can look back and rejoice in the midst of the grieving.  That they might find the good that has come from that loss.  It might look like loving those left behind a little better.  It might look like speaking things that had been previously left unsaid.  It might look like fighting for a cure....or perhaps...like me....it might look like a life unlike anything you could have dreamed or imagined.

One Cup of Water at a Time

The company that I work for has been struggling financially for a bit of time.  Most of the issues stem from a poor life partner decision by one of the owners that ended up costing the company quite a bit of money.

I believe that this current season is the reason God asked me to take a 70K a year pay cut and come work for this company.  It might also have been to teach me a thing or two about pride, humility, and identity.  God is taking all of the skills that I have learned in my leadership positions over the past 16 years and putting them to good use.  The CEO has empowered me to do what I can to keep the company's head above water until our new software is ready to launch.  I will tell you that it has been a struggle.

I handle all of the finances which means that I decide who is going to get paid and who isn't.  This includes not only our vendors, but our staff as well.  Almost everyone who works for the company are independent contractors so they submit a bill and we have a period of time to pay them.  When I first started working there, we would submit bills on Sunday and we would be paid on Monday.  The time between the billing and the paying kept getting farther and farther apart.  The staff was hurting.

Every day, I would field messages asking when I think this person or that person  might be paid.  I would hear heart wrenching stories about how rent was do in two days, or the lights were going to be shut off tomorrow.  I would look at our accounts, feeling helpless.  I would explain our current situation and then tell me when I thought I would be able to pay them.  I knew that God hadn't given me that weight to carry, but it was weighing on me just the same.

One day, I was driving back from picking Peanut up,  and I was listening to Nichole Nordeman's new album "Every Mile Mattered".  As I was driving, the song Hush, Hush came over the speakers.  It has a very different melody, almost haunting.  So much so that you almost miss the importance of the lyrics....almost.  Sometimes God will just smack you upside the head with some lyrics.

The song was inspired by a book called "How to Survive a Shipwreck" by Jonathan Martin.  It is from the perspective of God talking to someone who has been shipwrecked on an island.

But I love you if they never come

I love you in the scorching sun

One cup of water at a time

'Til you remember you are mine

And I will love you back together

These lyrics jumped right out of the song at me.  I started the song over to listen to them in context.  As I listened to them the second time, I heard God say to me, "One cup of water at a time, Holly.  That is how I am going to provide for the needs of your company.  You don't need to keep worrying and striving.  Lay the needs, as they come, at my feet and I'll provide it.  I need this company to learn to rely on me.  I need them to remember that they are mine."

It was a weight lifted off of my shoulders with that gentle reminder that He is in complete control of the situation that we are facing.  It isn't my job to save the company.  It is His job.  My job is to use the gifts and talents that He has equipped me with to the best of my ability.  He needs to do the rest.

I thought that was the end of the lesson but as I started the song over for the third time, I heard these lyrics:

And I am the storm that swallowed you

I let you bleed, I thought you knew

And I am the bottom, and I am floor

I am the deep you never knew before

I let you sink

And I let you go

But I caught you in the undertow

God made it very clear that He was the reason for the current state of the company.  He had allowed us to get to this very desperate place so that we would have no choice but to rely on Him.  He has used this season to teach us a lot about our priorities.  We have shaped a clearer vision for our future.  We have learned to be better stewards with the money He provides to us.  It has been a hard season, but it hasn't been for nothing.

I shared this "one cup of water" lesson with the team at work.  It is awesome to work for a company where it doesn't seem out of place to share what God is laying on my heart. Once I had shared what I felt God had showed me, He got busy showing off.  Every time someone comes to me with a need and wants to know when they will be paid, I explain that we don't have it but we will pray for the one cup of water to meet their needs.  Time and time again, God meets those needs and in doing so, increases the faith of all of us. 

I don't know what you are going through at the moment.  I don't know if you are walking out a tough season.  I don't know if God wrecked your ship or if someone else did.  What I do know is that God is faithful.  The one cup of water He provides doesn't always look like enough to me.  It may not look like enough to you.  But I promise you, He sees you.  He's got you. 

And I am the shore

And I am the flame

And mercy is My name

Hush, hush

Hush now

All The Nopes

I had the opportunity to go to the beach last weekend for a much needed getaway with some new friends.  I am part of an online community of women who first came together to launch a book and have been pouring into each other's lives ever since.  I had met some of these women in real life before, but only for a few minutes of conversation.

Since we had five days together with little to no agenda, except for sitting on the beach under our umbrellas and eating some amazing food, we had plenty of time for the sharing of our stories.  I loved getting to know more about each and every one of them.  Some talked more than others but I was able to get know each one of the other nine ladies better than I had known them before.  We had women ranging from the 30 range to almost 70.  We all had so much to learn from each other.

As you can imagine, I shared a lot of stories.  I shared stories that made us all laugh and stories that made some eyes leak.  I shared stories of my life before I met Jesus and I shared stories of all that He has done for me since I met Him.  Through tears, I even shared the story of that horrific day when I first heard the voice of God.  The day that God would use to capture my heart forever.

One theme that I noticed in a lot of my stories was how I don't readily move when God asks me to do something.  Isaiah 30:21 says "Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it".  So imagine if you will that I hear this voice and my response is nope.  Holly, I want you to walk this way and forgive your Dad.  Nope.  Holly, I want you to work for this small company that needs your exact skill set.  Nope.  When God asks me to do something that I know is going to make me uncomfortable, my first reaction is usually nope.

I have been lucky, as God has made many paths clear on my journey to where I am today.  Obviously, there are many times that I am just walking in the direction that He last told me to walk, like now.  I have no idea what the future holds, but I know that the last things that He told me were to work at HERO and to write my book.  So I am currently walking that out until He tells me what's next.  I am trying to walk in a manner worthy of the calling He has placed on my life, but it is hard sometimes.

I came home from the beach weekend filled to overflowing.  I also came back with a renewed focus on getting back to doing my bible study in the morning.  As Priscilla Shirer and I were having a chat about The Armor of God, her words sucker punched me.  She said, "Like a teenager who dutifully cleans his room because he's told to, yet does it with a seething anger and distaste for his parents, we sometimes obey God on the outside while simmering in disobedience on the inside."

As I read those words, I remembered all of the times over the past weekend when NOPE to God was part of my story.  My issue wasn't a seething anger or a distaste for God, but I had definitely been doing one thing on the outside and feeling a whole other thing on the inside.  God will eventually convince me to follow the path He is trying to lead me down, but on the inside, I am doubting His goodness.  I am doubting His plan.  I am doubting His love for me.  Surely if He loved me He wouldn't take me down this hard path.  Just like the teenager, I am being obedient because God said so, not because I want to.

I know God's ways are good.  I know He is faithful.  He has proven Himself time and time again. He knows what He is doing in my life.  His path always makes sense after the fact.   My prayer is that God will continue to work on my heart so that my outside matches my inside.  I want to  immediately walk in obedience with a joy filled heart, knowing how lucky I am to have Him direct my path. I want to immediately trust that His plans are better than mine.  Most importantly, I want all of my nopes to become yeps.