He Sees Around the Corner

 As part of the healing process for my spine, I am supposed to walk as much as I can tolerate.  As part of the healing process for the emotional upheaval that 2020 has brought me, I walk as much as I can tolerate.   We have been blessed with some beautiful weather in Kansas City, considering that it's November.  In light of that, I have been taking every opportunity to walk outside.  

When I walk, I put in my headphones and turn on some sort of worship music in my ear.  I saw a post on Instagram the other day that said, "I like my Jesus music at a volume where I can't hear the enemy."  It was funny because it's true.  While the loud music drowns out the enemy, God can still whisper straight to my heart.  Funny how that works.

On one recent day, I was walking and talking to God about all the uncertainty in my life.  Nothing that 2020 has brought me makes any sense.  I keep saying to Him, "God, I don't know what you are doing, but I trust You."  I do trust Him.  For the first time in my life, I truly trust that whatever He is doing, is for my good, and His glory.   As I was walking, and asking for answers, I saw this path ahead of me.

God gently whispered, "You can't see around the corner from here, but I can. You just have to trust that what's around the corner is exactly what you need for now."   It reminded me of all of the analogies I've heard over the years about how God sees the whole movie or the whole parade. It was a great reminder that God knows what's next.  It isn't a surprise to Him.  I was feeling God's peace until I got around that corner and saw this...

Then I was like, "You're funny God.  This is how my life always goes.  I feel like you tell me to just be patient, that answers will come when I get around the next corner, but it seems like every time I come around the corner.....there is just another corner that I can't see around."  God ever so gingerly whispered into my spirit, "It's because I am teaching you to trust me through every twist and turn.  No matter what comes, I know what lies ahead."  

I kept praying and walking and praising and walking.  I am so thankful for all that God has brought me through.  I am so grateful that He has been so close to me this year.  He is changing my mindset and changing my prayers...and changing me in the process.  As I rounded the last corner of the trail, I saw this sight...and I laughed.  

I didn't even wait for God to whisper to me.  I just looked up at the sky, laughed, and said, "I know God...when the path You have me on doesn't even look like a clear path exists....trust You in those times too."  

I can't close out a blog post without a song...okay...I could...but why would I want to.  This song has been on a regular rotation for close to 10 years.  So you'll see, the recent lesson on the trail wasn't a new one for me.  I just need a reminder.  From this One Place by Sara Groves

Storms Never Stop But Neither Do Rainbows

 2020 has been incredibly hard for so many people that I love.  There has been so much loss, so much grief, so much anxiety, so many challenges, so many questions, way too many storms.  I haven't been spared either.  2020 has been harder on me than any other year I've ever faced, including 1998 which, up until now, held the record for hardest year ever.

This year has been a year of storms for me.  Some I've been very public about and some I've held close to my chest.  Anyone who follows me on Facebook knows that my mom had a horrible car accident in December which resulted in my entire life being turned upside down for five months while she was bedridden.  As soon as I got her settled, the process of getting my back fixed began.  I had to lose 25lbs in order to even speak to the surgeon about doing a surgery that I so desperately needed.  If you think being told that you have to lose weight isn't a storm, then you obviously have never had to give up queso for months.  So many of you prayed me through surgery, and all of the complications that came with it.  I wasn't prepared for a shattered vertebrae, a leg that was dead with no feeling, smaller screws, and a back brace.  I definitely wasn't prepared for the blood clot and blood infection that came just two weeks later.  None of this was made any easier by Covid.  

What an incredibly difficult year, for me, and for so many others.  I want to share what kept going through my head during those difficult days in the hospital.  It was something I heard on a show. When I heard it, I paused the screen and rewound it to make sure I heard it correctly.  A lady turned to her friend and asked, "Do the storms ever stop coming?" Her friend looked up at her and said, "No, but neither do the rainbows."   I was smack dab in the middle of a huge storm in my life and those words hit me to my very core.  

I realized the truth of those words.  I thought back to all of the storms I've faced in my life, and there have been plenty.  God was always right there.  He walked me through them, even when I couldn't see Him, or couldn't feel Him.  When I looked back, I could see His fingerprints all over the things that had happened in the midst of those storms.  

When we are in the middle of the storm, all we can see is the chaos swirling around us.  All we can feel are the stirred up emotions.  All we can hear is the wind whipping around us, threatening to knock us completely off of our feet.  In the midst of the storm....we often can't see Him.  Things are too dark and stormy.  I think in the middle of those storms, the enemy sends his minions to distort our thoughts.  The enemy uses those storms to try to convince us that if God truly loved us, He wouldn't let us suffer this way.  I know that I've been a victim of this thinking, but not anymore.  God has sealed the truth of His love for me down deep inside my heart.    

If you are currently in the middle of a storm, I want to encourage you.  This storm will pass.  The wind and the rain will die down and if you look up, you will see the rainbow that always comes after the storm.  Storms don't last forever.

I held tightly to this truth while my body worked to fight off the infection that was trying to kill me.  I hold tightly to it now, while God is working in other areas of my life.  I prefer not to go through the storms, but God always uses them to mold and shape me into who He needs me to be.  It reminds me of a blog post I wrote a few years ago about how dark times are like a dark room.  You can read it by clicking here.  

If you've been around for a while, you also know that God speaks to me through music.  I recently heard "Walk in the Valley" by Ross King,  and it's a reminder that the storms drive me into a deeper grace.  Click on the song title and go have a listen.  I'm sure the song will bless you too.

Have faith in the storm, my friends.  The rainbow is on it's way.  

BUT, I love you

There was a Facebook post recently that questioned some mainstream thinking along theological lines.  There was some back and forth but it was this comment from an acquaintance that stuck in my gut,  "But I love people too much to allow them to believe lies that will cost them for an eternity.  Love tells the truth even when it's hard or hurts."  I have been wrestling with why it affected me so much.  I will do my best to put words to my feelings here.

There is not one Christian denomination that does not believe that God is LOVE.  You will hear it from every pulpit, regardless of doctrine or theology.  What I have found is that "love" means something different to each of them.  

Recently, "love" has looked like me being told that while the pastor loves my spirit and my heart for worship and prayer and that he loves that I sit in the front row and participate with my whole heart....and that I'm a blessing..... I will never be allowed to become a member of his church or serve in any official capacity.  

Recently, "love" has looked like being asked to leave a prayer group because it made the other members uncomfortable to pray with me now that it's obvious I don't believe the way they do.  It's not that I've stopped believing in Jesus, I've just stopped agreeing with all of the doctrines of the "church."  

Recently, "love" has looked like being told that - in the eyes of God- I will never be married.

This "love" has been extremely hurtful.  Every single person who has "loved" me in this way has gone out of their way to say, "BUT, I love you," which some how makes their actions seem okay in their eyes.  That kind of love feels nothing like the love that I feel from Jesus.

Love doesn't cast out.  Love doesn't push aside.  Love doesn't make others feel like less than.

Love is  patient
Love is kind
Love does not envy
Love does not boast
Love is not proud
Love does not dishonor others
Love is not self-seeking

Love is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth
Love protects
Love trusts
Love hopes
Love perseveres

If your actions and your attitude towards others don't line up with these things...it probably doesn't feel very loving to the person who is on the receiving end.

But Holly....we are sharing the truth "in love".  Here's the truth...the Bible is the LIVING word of God.  You can read a scripture in January that the Holy Spirit will use to speak right to where you are walking and then read the same scripture again in August and the Holy Spirit will use it to speak a different truth.  Same scripture - different truths.

The Bible was used for decades to justify slavery.  The Bible was then used for decades to justify banning interracial marriage.  The Bible is currently being used to justify the way homosexuals are being treated in society.

I have spent twenty years digging into scripture.  I have read numerous commentaries from those who are certain homosexuality is a sin and from those who are certain it isn't.  It is amazing how many different interpretations you can find on just one verse of scripture.   How do we know who is right and who is wrong?  We don't.  We must take it to the Holy Spirit who has been given to us, to guide and direct us on our walk.  We must pray for wisdom and discernment.  This is really all any of us can do.

What I struggle with is those who are 100% certain of their rightness--that their interpretation of the scripture is the only truth.  I am not 100% certain of my rightness and my beliefs have changed and grown.  God knows when I am ready to stretch Him outside of the box that I've put Him in.  I have found that those who are so certain can only come to the conclusion if I don't agree with them, that I am listening to the enemy...or my feelings...or my flesh...or my emotions...or "the world"...or Jen Hatmaker... and letting them dictate "truth" in my life.  It can't possibly be that I have diligently studied the scripture and come to a different conclusion than them.

But Holly....I love you too much to let you keep sinning without pointing out your sin.  I am glad that you love me and thank you for your concern.  You have pointed out that you think I'm sinning.  I don't believe it's sin.  Now, where do we go from here?   Can you treat me the way that you do every other sinner in your life....so basically...everyone?  Does agreeing to disagree have to lead to separation?   Even if you are right, why does my sin exclude me from basic rights and inclusion, when yours doesn't?

I have spent twenty years remaining silent.  I have played by "the rules."  I became someone that I wasn't in an attempt to "fit in" with the church.  I let pastors and mentors speak "truth" to me about who I had to be and how I had to act in order to be "right" with the Lord.  Anyone who knows my story knows that I have spent my life in worship, service, and obedience to the Lord.  My eyes are fixed squarely on Jesus, and last I heard....that was the key to my salvation.  God knows my heart and knows that I am doing my best to seek His will for my life...and share His love with the world.   I am a work in progress, and good Lord willing...I will be until the day that I die.

One Day, One Breath, One Prayer at a Time

Empty, angry, frustrated, sad, supported, hated, grieving, hopeful, rejected, lost, loved, questioning, scared, thankful - these are just some of the words that could be used to describe how I felt in 2018.  A long chapter of my life came to an end last year, and as I shut the door behind me, I found myself numb and confused on a path that I never thought I would walk.

In many ways, it feels like God has picked me up and put me back to where I was 15 years ago.  It's like He is giving me a do over.  He has been asking me to finally trust Him.  He wants me to place my entire life in His hands and trust HIM to guide my steps. He has been revealing to me how much of my life has been influenced by the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others.  So many decisions in my life have been an attempt to make others feel better; to make them proud; to fit in; to feel loved; to be enough; to not be too much.  So much so, that along the way, I lost myself.  I lost the person that God had created and redeemed me to be.       

I didn't know what 2018 was going to hold.  So much life change was coming at me so quickly.  I spent a lot of time on my knees, begging God to show me how this was all going to turn out.  I wanted to know that this path I was walking down wasn't going to kill me.  I wanted to know that the pain that I was feeling wouldn't last forever.  I wanted all the answers but God wanted me to trust Him. 

With each step last year, God kept laying it on my heart to "do the next right thing."  He didn't want me worried about what was ahead.  He wanted me to focus on the next step in the process and not think about the millions of other things that would come down the road.  He would give me guidance and direction for the very next step, and nothing more.  I would have to trust that the direction He was guiding me in, was for my good. 

When all of the hurt, struggle, and pain became too overwhelming, God sent me a song.  He knows that one of my love languages is music.  He knew this song would speak to me.  I heard Christa Wells sing at an Ellie Holcomb concert in April.  Her new album had just released and Ellie let her sing her song called Velveteen.  She wasn't even finished singing before I looked her up on Spotify and downloaded her new album.  Later that night, as I was listening through the album, I stumbled across the song One Day  Tears ran down my face as her song put words to what God had been trying to show me. 

I didn't need to try to swallow the ocean.  I just needed to take it one day, one breath, one prayer, one step, and one hope at a time. I have listened to that song at least a thousand times in the past year.  I have shared it with others more times than I can count.  It is a constant reminder for me to not try to get ahead of God and His plans for me.  All I need to do is simply lay my life at His feet every single day.

My favorite part of the song is where she sings:

Oh, I see you laughing on the other side
Where the walls have tumbled and the flowers grow wild
Oh, I see you laughing on the other side
With your broken heart under open sky

It reminded me that life wasn't always going to be this hard.  That the heaviness I was feeling wasn't going to last forever.  If I kept taking it one day, one breath, and one prayer at a time..I was going to come out on the other side.  That I would find joy again.  That I would find laughter.  That I would find happiness. 

I have no idea what 2019 will bring.  I don't need to know.  I will keep my eyes fixed on the One who made me and I will take it one step at a time. I am excited to see where He leads me.

Grieve and Rejoice

As many of you know, God asked me to write a book, but what you may not know is that I finished the first draft in December.  Writing my story was one of the most difficult and most healing things that I've ever done.  You will be hearing a lot more about the book in the very near future as I start the process to prepare it to be self-published.  The book tells the story of how the devil tried to derail my life when I was a child by sending all manner of evil into it; how God used the most tragic day of my life to capture my heart; and how with Jesus...redemption and restoration are possible.

Why am I telling you this today of all days?  Today is the 20th Anniversary of that most tragic day. Today is the day when my very best friend, my brother, was killed in a car accident right in front of me.  He was 26 and I was 22.  He had a full life ahead of him and a precious 2 year old son who needed his daddy.

In "Girl, Wash Your Face", Rachel Hollis talks about her brother's suicide.  She also talks about how weird it is to look back and feel both the sting of the loss and to also see the good that has come as a result.  I loved reading those words from her, as that feeling is all too familiar to me.

See, remembering the loss today is more real and raw than it has been in years.  Perhaps it's because it is so hard to believe that it's been 20 years, or perhaps it's because I just spent most of last year writing about it.  It was incredibly difficult to go back and put myself at the scene of the accident again.  There are no words to describe the anguish I felt as I relived those darkest of days after I lost him, where the emptiness and the hopelessness threatened to consume me forever. 

And yet......

There are also no words for the good it did my heart to go back to that season of life and remember those first audible words I heard the Lord say to me.  I took myself back to the day I laid in the mud in the cemetery and allowed God to comfort my heart in the ways that only He can.  Looking back helped me remember how God took that most tragic day and made so much good come from it.

I miss Bob...I will always miss him.  There will always be an empty Bob sized hole in my heart...and he was a BIG guy...so it's a big hole.  I don't just miss him on March 4th, or October 15th (his birthday), I miss him often.  I am constantly aware of his absence.  When I am going through a rough season, I still wonder what advice he would give to me if I could call him.  When I get to spend time with his son Josh, I wonder how different he would be if he would have grown up with his daddy who loved him beyond  measure.

The accident didn't have to happen for God to capture my soul, but since it did happen...I am  so grateful that God didn't waste the opportunity to grab a hold of me.  It was the promise that I would get to see Bob again in heaven that drew me to God in the first place...little did I know that God had so much more to offer.  I am who I am today because of Jesus.  He has begun a good work in me, and He will be faithful to complete it. 

I know that I have friends that are currently grieving fresh losses of their own.  So much fresher than a 20 year anniversary.  My  prayer is that God will continue to comfort them right where they are, for as long they need to grieve.  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' quote has always resonated with me.  It doesn't matter if it is the one year anniversary or the 20th.....any one who has lost someone they have deeply loved...will never be the same....nor should they want to be. However, I do hope that, in time, they can look back and rejoice in the midst of the grieving.  That they might find the good that has come from that loss.  It might look like loving those left behind a little better.  It might look like speaking things that had been previously left unsaid.  It might look like fighting for a cure....or perhaps...like me....it might look like a life unlike anything you could have dreamed or imagined.