A couple of years ago, God whispered to my heart to join the bone marrow donor registry. I don't know if it was because I had a friend who had lost her Dad to Leukemia and his donor had come to the funeral or some other reason but the seed had been planted. God would keep bringing the thought to my mind over and over again. In early 2013, I looked into joining the registry and found that I wasn't eligible. Was it because I had some disease that made my bone marrow unsafe? No. Was it because I had been to some foreign country that made me ineligible? No. It was because my BMI was too high. I was simply too big to even register. That deflated me. I have struggled with my weight my entire life but I have never let it hold me back. Here was something that I knew that God was asking me to do and I simply couldn't do it. I knew it meant that I needed to get my health under control.
At the time, I was working an insane amount and travelling all of the time. Trying to get healthy on the road is not an easy task. God just kept bringing back this thought of joining the registry. Fast forward a year, and God called us out of Kansas City to a job opportunity in Florida. While the job hasn't turned out to be all that I expected it to be, I wonder if God wasn't trying to get me out of a job of full time travel so I could start taking care of myself. The fact that the travel-free job is in Florida is just an added health bonus. In case you were wondering, trying to get healthy while moving 1200 miles away from everyone you know and love is also not an easy task. I am an emotional eater and these were trying times.
While I was in KC for a Women's Retreat, God kept pressing me..reminding me that I needed to get my weight under control so I could do what He was asking me to. When I got home from the retreat, we had a guest speaker at church. He was talking about the last supper. Somehow, right in the middle of talking about how the last supper is about community, he started talking about obedience. He had 3 points to obedience but the one that stood out to me was that obedience should be immediate. Obedience should be done willingly, immediately, and completely. God spoke so clearly to my heart that I had to do something. The words of Women's Retreat whispered ever so gently to my heart.."Holly, you have been delivered but you are not free. Why do you continue to remain a slave in bondage to your weight? Isn't it time for you to be free? It is for freedom that I set you free." Face blown off.
So the journey began. Not the journey to the massive goal of getting me to a healthy weight but just the smaller journey of getting me eligible to join the bone marrow donor registry. I started on December 1st and I have tried daily to give it to the Lord. Did I fall off the wagon while I was home for the holidays? Absolutely, but God was there to remind me that He asks for imperfect progress. Early last week, I prayed fervently that God would continue to give me the motivation to stay the course. That He wouldn't let my mind wander to other priorities. That He wouldn't let me give up on myself for the thousandth time.
Then this past weekend, our Pastor was preaching part 2 of a message titled, "Clean up on Aisle Me". He talked about how we treat a lack of motivation like a speed bump but we should treat it like a low oil light on the car. We need to get to the root cause of why we lack motivation. We talked about Psalm 51:10-12 and how David asked God to renew a steadfast spirit within him. Pastor preached about how even people after God's own heart have to pray for motivation and for God to supernaturally correct those things in us that keep us from doing what we know is right and good. It struck a chord in me.
I have been to counseling and I have made every attempt to get to the root cause of my struggles. My only hope now is in Jesus. I think that's why JJ Heller's new song called This Year has impacted me so much (Click here to listen). The line, "Let's fight a good fight, and train our eyes to find the light" reminds me that I need to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and chase after Him and the rest will follow. The first two verses says, "This year, I'm not looking back to who I was, because I'm gonna be someone, I've never been. This year, I'm not focused on the cracks in the walls, not keeping track of all the times I fall, this year." It doesn't matter how many times I've tried this healthy thing or how many times I've failed. This year, I'm going to be someone I've never been.
If you are lacking motivation to do the things that God is asking you to do, whatever that may be. Take your request to Him. Ask Him to motivate you. Ask Him to renew in you a steadfast spirit. Ask Him to help you be someone you've never been.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Innocent Victim or Willing Participant?
My pastor preached a message a month or two ago and one of the questions he asked has stuck with me. He asked, "When you think of Jesus coming to earth so that He could redeem us...When you see Him hanging on the cross...Do you see Him as an innocent victim or a willing participant?" Jesus was most definitely innocent but I like to think that I see Him as a willing participant. He came to earth knowing full well what the end result would be. He knew that He was going to be persecuted, beaten, and hung on the cross but He came to the earth anyway. The pain was worth the result.
This concept keeps mulling around in my head. Likely because it puts into words something my heart has been feeling for a long time. As humans, we tend to go through our share of struggles. Sometimes, when we are in the midst of the storm, it is hard to see Jesus. It is hard to see that any good can come from what we are walking through. What if we could see our struggle from God's point of view? Do you think it would change how we choose to walk through the trial?
As some of you know, at one point in my life I was arrested on a felony fraud charge. I wasn't guilty, it was all misunderstanding regarding someone else's use of my checkbook. I ended up spending four days in the county jail before I could stand before a judge. That was a rough minute in my life. I wasn't convicted but about 10 years later, the arrest was brought up during a licensing process for a company I was working for. I ended up having to contact the court to get that arrest expunged off of my record. It was a long drawn out process with a lot of paperwork. I wasn't sure who to contact for each piece of the puzzle but eventually I got the arrest removed from my record. I remember, at the time I was going through the expungement, how angry I was that I was having to deal with this issue. I felt like God had forsaken me and that the devil was trying to use my past against me.
Fast forward a few years and I had become friends with a girl at work. She had been through trials in her life that I couldn't even begin to imagine. She had been living with her Mom out of obligation and had finally decided to set some boundaries in her life. She decided to get her own apartment. Everywhere she applied, she was rejected because of a felony conviction from long ago. She was devastated. She had given her life to Christ and was walking a completely different path but her past was coming back to haunt her. She confided in me about her struggle and I asked her if she had ever attempted to have her record expunged. She didn't know what expungement meant. I was honored and blessed to walk her through the expungement process so that she could get on living the life God was calling her to. I remember thinking at the time, "Thank you Lord for allowing me to face that battle so that I could be here to help my friend."
I see this type of thing play out over and over again. My Mom needed to have surgery. When they were doing her pre-op exams, they thought something was wrong with her heart. They told her she couldn't have her surgery until she had a heart cath to rule out any issues. I remember how my Mom came out after the cath very relieved but also very frustrated that they hadn't found anything wrong. She felt like it had all been a waste of time. My Mom's friend had driven her to the surgery center and her and my Mom were discussing some issues that she'd been having with her own heart. My Mom's cardiologist overheard the conversation and interrupted to ask my Mom's friend to go over her symptoms. The cardiologist told my Mom's friend that it sounded like she had a hole in her heart and to make an appointment. Sure enough, my Mom's friend went to the cardiologist and ended up having surgery to fix the hole. She had been dealing with the issue for a very long time and was so happy to finally have an answer/relief. I remember thinking then...I wonder if someone had said to my Mom, "Hey, there is nothing wrong with your heart but if you spend $100 for a copay and have a heart cath done, your friend will be relieved from years of suffering" would she have chosen to pay the money and go through the hassle?
It sometimes helps me to deal with hard times or things I don't understand. I take a minute to think of all of the possible good that could come from any given situation and then I ask myself if it would be worth it. Would it be worth it for me to leave everyone I know and love in Kansas City if it means that God is going to use me to shine His light into some dark places in Florida. Yes! Would it be worth it for my friend to fight to hang on to a rocky marriage when everything in her wants to run away if it meant that eventually her husband would be delivered from the grips of the devil. Absolutely!! It's hard...really hard...when you can't see what God's plan is..so we have to hang on to who we know that He is.
God's word says, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them."(Rom 8:28) We don't know why He has us face the storms of this life but He promises to make good come from them. If we can remember that, is it possible that we can go from innocent victims to willing participants? Can we stand before God in our times of trial and say, "I don't have one clue why you are allowing this but I know You'll make good come of it so bring it on?"
This concept keeps mulling around in my head. Likely because it puts into words something my heart has been feeling for a long time. As humans, we tend to go through our share of struggles. Sometimes, when we are in the midst of the storm, it is hard to see Jesus. It is hard to see that any good can come from what we are walking through. What if we could see our struggle from God's point of view? Do you think it would change how we choose to walk through the trial?
As some of you know, at one point in my life I was arrested on a felony fraud charge. I wasn't guilty, it was all misunderstanding regarding someone else's use of my checkbook. I ended up spending four days in the county jail before I could stand before a judge. That was a rough minute in my life. I wasn't convicted but about 10 years later, the arrest was brought up during a licensing process for a company I was working for. I ended up having to contact the court to get that arrest expunged off of my record. It was a long drawn out process with a lot of paperwork. I wasn't sure who to contact for each piece of the puzzle but eventually I got the arrest removed from my record. I remember, at the time I was going through the expungement, how angry I was that I was having to deal with this issue. I felt like God had forsaken me and that the devil was trying to use my past against me.
Fast forward a few years and I had become friends with a girl at work. She had been through trials in her life that I couldn't even begin to imagine. She had been living with her Mom out of obligation and had finally decided to set some boundaries in her life. She decided to get her own apartment. Everywhere she applied, she was rejected because of a felony conviction from long ago. She was devastated. She had given her life to Christ and was walking a completely different path but her past was coming back to haunt her. She confided in me about her struggle and I asked her if she had ever attempted to have her record expunged. She didn't know what expungement meant. I was honored and blessed to walk her through the expungement process so that she could get on living the life God was calling her to. I remember thinking at the time, "Thank you Lord for allowing me to face that battle so that I could be here to help my friend."
I see this type of thing play out over and over again. My Mom needed to have surgery. When they were doing her pre-op exams, they thought something was wrong with her heart. They told her she couldn't have her surgery until she had a heart cath to rule out any issues. I remember how my Mom came out after the cath very relieved but also very frustrated that they hadn't found anything wrong. She felt like it had all been a waste of time. My Mom's friend had driven her to the surgery center and her and my Mom were discussing some issues that she'd been having with her own heart. My Mom's cardiologist overheard the conversation and interrupted to ask my Mom's friend to go over her symptoms. The cardiologist told my Mom's friend that it sounded like she had a hole in her heart and to make an appointment. Sure enough, my Mom's friend went to the cardiologist and ended up having surgery to fix the hole. She had been dealing with the issue for a very long time and was so happy to finally have an answer/relief. I remember thinking then...I wonder if someone had said to my Mom, "Hey, there is nothing wrong with your heart but if you spend $100 for a copay and have a heart cath done, your friend will be relieved from years of suffering" would she have chosen to pay the money and go through the hassle?
It sometimes helps me to deal with hard times or things I don't understand. I take a minute to think of all of the possible good that could come from any given situation and then I ask myself if it would be worth it. Would it be worth it for me to leave everyone I know and love in Kansas City if it means that God is going to use me to shine His light into some dark places in Florida. Yes! Would it be worth it for my friend to fight to hang on to a rocky marriage when everything in her wants to run away if it meant that eventually her husband would be delivered from the grips of the devil. Absolutely!! It's hard...really hard...when you can't see what God's plan is..so we have to hang on to who we know that He is.
God's word says, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them."(Rom 8:28) We don't know why He has us face the storms of this life but He promises to make good come from them. If we can remember that, is it possible that we can go from innocent victims to willing participants? Can we stand before God in our times of trial and say, "I don't have one clue why you are allowing this but I know You'll make good come of it so bring it on?"
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
October 15th
October 15th is one of a handful of days that hurts my heart every year when I see it on the calendar. Today would have been my brother's 43rd birthday. As most of you know, my brother was killed in a car accident when he was 26. Seeing 10/15 come around on the calendar gets a bit easier every year but even now on the 16th occurrence, it still stings....and that's okay.
This morning as I was driving to work, I was reflecting on a conversation I had recently with a group of women that I do Bible study with. I was talking about one of the moments in my life that changed my walk with God. There have been several big things that I can point to that changed the way that I looked at my relationship with Jesus. One was a comparative study between the Bible and the book "The Shack" by Wm. Paul Young. If you haven't read The Shack...please do. Another HUGE moment and one I want to expand on today was the time a forgave God.
When I brought the subject up the other night at Bible study, I think I offended a few people who felt it was sacrilegious for me to think that God needed/wanted my forgiveness. At one time, I was harboring a fair amount of bitterness in my heart about some of the circumstances of my past and bitterness about my brother being ripped away from me. That bitterness was definitely keeping me from a relationship with God. I blamed Him. I knew that God could do ALL things so why didn't choose something different for me? I was deeply hurt by Him. So hurt, in fact, that I couldn't see past it to see the most amazingly wonderful things that He'd done in my life. I was sharing some of this with a coworker who had become a mentor and friend and she asked me if I had forgiven God. I kind of looked at her crazy and she told me about an experience where she had heard of this concept and followed through with it. I kind of put the thought aside because I didn't quite know what to do with it.
Several weeks later, I was in physical therapy for my shoulder. I had done my exercises and they had put me in a room to ice it up. They were always good about shutting off the lights in case you wanted a nap. :) I remember being on that table surrounded by the darkness and tears just started falling down my cheeks. I was completely overwhelmed with life at the time and I couldn't get my emotions under control. I just remember being angry. God was working on healing me...but in order to do that..He was pulling out hurts and memories that I wanted to long forget. That day..on that physical therapy table...I realized what my friend had been talking about. I was so mad at God for all the things He had done to me or allowed to be done to me and it was affecting my ability to let Him have control of my life.
Does someone have to be guilty for us to forgive them? Do they have to have committed some sin for us to forgive them? Forgiveness has everything to do with the person who has been wounded and not the offender. We all hurt each other all the time even when we are trying to help each other out. Often times that hurt comes from someone who doesn't live up to your expectations of them.
Benjamin Corey wrote this and it sums it up better than I could:
Sometimes, people will fail to live up to your hopes and expectations. Even though they're not guilty of doing something wrong in the situation, we are tempted to live with the emotional weight of disappointment and resentment that result from our own lost hope and unfulfilled desires. In these cases, the only option that allows us to live in freedom, is to forgive the person who disappointed us. Even when that person is God. Read more: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/formerlyfundie/forgiving-god/#ixzz3GEZMU0zl
So...there on that physical therapy table...I started whispering to God that I forgave Him. I forgave Him for not giving me the childhood that I thought I deserved. I forgave Him for all of the things He had asked me to do that I thought weren't fair. I forgave Him for taking my sweet brother home to live with Him instead of leaving him here to be an awesome Daddy to his boy. It sounds ridiculous...but my heart changed that day. I wall that had been blocking me from trusting God came tumbling down. There are still days when I struggle with what He is asking me to do but it is no longer rooted in disappointments from the past.
Hear my heart...I am not saying that God has sinned. It isn't about what God did or didn't do. It is about the condition of my heart. Just something to think about.
I welcome all discussion and your thoughts.
This morning as I was driving to work, I was reflecting on a conversation I had recently with a group of women that I do Bible study with. I was talking about one of the moments in my life that changed my walk with God. There have been several big things that I can point to that changed the way that I looked at my relationship with Jesus. One was a comparative study between the Bible and the book "The Shack" by Wm. Paul Young. If you haven't read The Shack...please do. Another HUGE moment and one I want to expand on today was the time a forgave God.
When I brought the subject up the other night at Bible study, I think I offended a few people who felt it was sacrilegious for me to think that God needed/wanted my forgiveness. At one time, I was harboring a fair amount of bitterness in my heart about some of the circumstances of my past and bitterness about my brother being ripped away from me. That bitterness was definitely keeping me from a relationship with God. I blamed Him. I knew that God could do ALL things so why didn't choose something different for me? I was deeply hurt by Him. So hurt, in fact, that I couldn't see past it to see the most amazingly wonderful things that He'd done in my life. I was sharing some of this with a coworker who had become a mentor and friend and she asked me if I had forgiven God. I kind of looked at her crazy and she told me about an experience where she had heard of this concept and followed through with it. I kind of put the thought aside because I didn't quite know what to do with it.
Several weeks later, I was in physical therapy for my shoulder. I had done my exercises and they had put me in a room to ice it up. They were always good about shutting off the lights in case you wanted a nap. :) I remember being on that table surrounded by the darkness and tears just started falling down my cheeks. I was completely overwhelmed with life at the time and I couldn't get my emotions under control. I just remember being angry. God was working on healing me...but in order to do that..He was pulling out hurts and memories that I wanted to long forget. That day..on that physical therapy table...I realized what my friend had been talking about. I was so mad at God for all the things He had done to me or allowed to be done to me and it was affecting my ability to let Him have control of my life.
Does someone have to be guilty for us to forgive them? Do they have to have committed some sin for us to forgive them? Forgiveness has everything to do with the person who has been wounded and not the offender. We all hurt each other all the time even when we are trying to help each other out. Often times that hurt comes from someone who doesn't live up to your expectations of them.
Benjamin Corey wrote this and it sums it up better than I could:
Sometimes, people will fail to live up to your hopes and expectations. Even though they're not guilty of doing something wrong in the situation, we are tempted to live with the emotional weight of disappointment and resentment that result from our own lost hope and unfulfilled desires. In these cases, the only option that allows us to live in freedom, is to forgive the person who disappointed us. Even when that person is God. Read more: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/formerlyfundie/forgiving-god/#ixzz3GEZMU0zl
So...there on that physical therapy table...I started whispering to God that I forgave Him. I forgave Him for not giving me the childhood that I thought I deserved. I forgave Him for all of the things He had asked me to do that I thought weren't fair. I forgave Him for taking my sweet brother home to live with Him instead of leaving him here to be an awesome Daddy to his boy. It sounds ridiculous...but my heart changed that day. I wall that had been blocking me from trusting God came tumbling down. There are still days when I struggle with what He is asking me to do but it is no longer rooted in disappointments from the past.
Hear my heart...I am not saying that God has sinned. It isn't about what God did or didn't do. It is about the condition of my heart. Just something to think about.
I welcome all discussion and your thoughts.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Nevertheless
Do you know what is really hard to do sometimes?? Getting really honest with the Lord. I think that all too often we treat God like a Father that we don't want to disappoint. I don't think that is what He really wants. We should look at Him like an unconditional Father who will love us no matter what. (I know that is really hard for some of us that didn't have the best Father figures.) Time and time again, God asks me to do some pretty tough stuff. He sometimes asks me to walk a path that makes absolutely no sense to me. Sometimes that tough stuff is necessary so that He can use it to mold me into who HE wants me to be. Sometimes I've found that I've got to walk through some tough stuff because someone I know and love is going to walk through that same tough stuff down the road and is going to need an understanding friend. Sometimes, God has me walk through some tough stuff because He needs to use me to help Him mold someone else into who He wants them to be. My hearts desire is to willingly walk that path without resisting. I am not really good at it. :)
Truth be told, I often don't want to walk that path at all. Sometimes doing what God has called you to do, hurts...A LOT! I try to put on a good front and willingly go where He is leading me..but really that is what it is...a front. I am trying to fake it until I feel it. Truth me told, sometimes my heart just isn't in it. Because God loves me, He will gently keep asking me to do His will. He won't force it on me...even when I fight it. He will send people, magazine articles, devotionals, and worship songs into my life to keep confirming what He is asking for me. He knows me...He knows that I will always look for a way to pretend like I am not hearing Him. I'm only human :)
I was talking about this topic in small group setting once and a guy turned to me and asked me if I was proud of the fact that I fight doing God's will. It wasn't really convicting..it is an attempt to be condemning. Well there is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Jesus :) My reluctance isn't something I'm proud of...it's just reality. It's a human response and my ability to talk about those feelings is not pride..but transparency. I know I can't be the only one who struggles. What I am learning though...is that if I just get honest with God...He can use my fear and doubt and unwillingness. I am learning to just take my frustrations to the Lord in a very honest way. "God, I know that you are asking me to bring change into my new work environment but I don't really want to. I really want, just once, to have a job that is peaceful that is not mentally and emotionally demanding. God, when is it my turn to have some rest? When is it my turn to play a supporting role in change instead of trying to lead the way?" It is amazing how, when I take these true feelings to the Lord, He calms my spirit. He reassures me that it is okay to feel that way. He acknowledges my feelings and promises me again that I won't be walking the path alone. He helps me to live in the "nevertheless". Even Jesus said to the Lord, "Father, if you be willing, remove this cup from me" He didn't want to die on the cross...but Jesus lived in the 'nevertheless'. He said, "nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.
If God is asking you to walk a difficult path, I would encourage you to tell Him how you feel so that He can help you get to a place of "nevertheless".
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Men need encouragement too
This topic came up while I was talking with a dear friend of mine the other night and it keeps coming up, so I thought I'd share my thoughts. You're welcome :)
We were discussing about the difference in the way that men and women are both handled by the church community. When the women of DC get together, it is a time of fellowship and sharing. One of our favorite things to do is to share "Your story of His Glory". We talk about some of the rough roads we've walked and how God showed up. We get to share the amazing truth of God's grace and love. We talk about how it really is okay to be feeling some of the things that you are feeling and we talk about how to take those feelings to the Lord. We spend a lot of time encouraging one another that we are doing okay on the road we are walking on, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't take your eyes off Jesus. When Mother's day rolls around, the women get a great message about what amazing mothers they are and they get encouragement to keep the faith.
My friend and I were talking about how different it is for the men. Now...neither one of us are men so we can only go by what we hear, but even from the things we can see...we know that it is different. I wonder how the men's retreat compares to the women's. Do they form the same types of bonds that the women do. Do they leave feeling encouraged or like they don't measure up. If there are men reading my blog, I would love your comments on this subject. I know that on Father's day, there is rarely a warm fuzzy message about what amazing fathers they are. There is often guidance and correction. The dads get a laundry list of things they should do better. I wonder how it makes some dads feel. What if Dad is giving it 110% at home? What if he is truly the head of the household, and he is wearing himself out providing for his family? Where is his encouragement?
Yesterday, I was driving home for a quick new puppy potty break and I heard something on the radio that irritated me. I listen to a local Christian station that covers all of Central Florida. They always have some little snippets of someone giving advice. This guy comes on and starts telling the husbands that they need to try harder. That a husband should try to hug his wife five times this week, he should compliment her at least five times, he should talk her up in front of his kids. and he should ask her every day what he can do for her. I think these are all fine and good ideas and would be beneficial to a marriage but it got me thinking. How many times I have heard this type of message? The answer is A LOT. How many times have I heard this type of message directed at wives? I can't think of one time. Isn't it equally important for a wife to hug her husband, talk him up in front of the kids, and ask what she can do for him? I know that men and women are different creatures with how they process feelings and emotions, but men need encouragement too. Just sayin'
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