Delivered but Not Free

A couple of years ago, God whispered to my heart to join the bone marrow donor registry.  I don't know if it was because I had a friend who had lost her Dad to Leukemia and his donor had come to the funeral or some other reason but the seed had been planted.  God would keep bringing the thought to my mind over and over again. In early 2013, I looked into joining the registry and found that I wasn't eligible.  Was it because I had some disease that made my bone marrow unsafe?  No.  Was it because I had been to some foreign country that made me ineligible?  No.  It was because my BMI was too high.  I was simply too big to even register.  That deflated me.  I have struggled with my weight my entire life but I have never let it hold me back. Here was something that I knew that God was asking me to do and I simply couldn't do it.  I knew it meant that I needed to get my health under control.

At the time, I was working an insane amount and travelling all of the time.  Trying to get healthy on the road is not an easy task.  God just kept bringing back this thought of joining the registry.  Fast forward a year, and God called us out of Kansas City to a job opportunity in Florida.  While the job hasn't turned out to be all that I expected it to be, I wonder if God wasn't trying to get me out of a job of full time travel so I could start taking care of myself.  The fact that the travel-free job is in Florida is just an added health bonus.  In case you were wondering, trying to get healthy while moving 1200 miles away from everyone you know and love is also not an easy task.  I am an emotional eater and these were trying times.

While I was in KC for a Women's Retreat, God kept pressing me..reminding me that I needed to get my weight under control so I could do what He was asking me to.    When I got home from the retreat, we had a guest speaker at church.  He was talking about the last supper.  Somehow, right in the middle of talking about how the last supper is about community, he started talking about obedience.  He had 3 points to obedience but the one that stood out to me was that obedience should be immediate.  Obedience should be done willingly, immediately, and completely.  God spoke so clearly to my heart that I had to do something.  The words of Women's Retreat whispered ever so gently to my heart.."Holly, you have been delivered but you are not free.  Why do you continue to remain a slave in bondage to your weight?  Isn't it time for you to be free?  It is for freedom that I set you free." Face blown off.

So the journey began.  Not the journey to the massive goal of getting me to a healthy weight but just the smaller journey of getting me eligible to join the bone marrow donor registry.  I started on December 1st and I have tried daily to give it to the Lord.  Did I fall off the wagon while I was home for the holidays?  Absolutely, but God was there to remind me that He asks for imperfect progress.   Early last week, I prayed fervently that God would continue to give me the motivation to stay the course.  That He wouldn't let my mind wander to other priorities.  That He wouldn't let me give up on myself for the thousandth time.

Then this past weekend, our Pastor was preaching part 2 of a message titled, "Clean up on Aisle Me".  He talked about how we treat a lack of motivation like a speed bump but we should treat it like a low oil light on the car.  We need to get to the root cause of why we lack motivation.  We talked about Psalm 51:10-12 and how David asked God to renew a steadfast spirit within him.  Pastor preached about how even people after God's own heart have to pray for motivation and for God to supernaturally correct those things in us that keep us from doing what we know is right and good.  It struck a chord in me.

I have been to counseling and I have made every attempt to get to the root cause of my struggles. My only hope now is in Jesus.  I think that's why JJ Heller's new song called This Year has impacted me so much (Click here to listen).  The line, "Let's fight a good fight, and train our eyes to find the light" reminds me that I need to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and chase after Him and the rest will follow.  The first two verses says, "This year, I'm not looking back to who I was, because I'm gonna be someone, I've never been.  This year, I'm not focused on the cracks in the walls, not keeping track of all the times I fall, this year."  It doesn't matter how many times I've tried this healthy thing or how many times I've failed.  This year, I'm going to be someone I've never been.

If you are lacking motivation to do the things that God is asking you to do, whatever that may be.  Take your request to Him. Ask Him to motivate you.  Ask Him to renew in you a steadfast spirit.  Ask Him to help you be someone you've never been.