I was walking through the church one night, quite a few years ago, and my good friend Jeanne stopped me and asked me how I was doing. She wanted to know how I was really doing and not just the "okay, how are you?" response we so readily give each other. I began to share with her about some of the trials I was currently walking through and how I was struggling to see God in all of it. She listened, like the good friend that she is, and then she just smiled at me and said, "Friend, have you ever heard the song The Boxer by Sara Groves? The whole time you were talking, I just kept thinking about that song. You should really go home and listen to it." So, I did. That song has been my go to song for quite a few years when I am feeling a tad bit overwhelmed with the circumstances of my life . If you haven't heard it, you should listen to it. You can find it by clicking here. The opening line of the song says, "When You said this was a fight, you weren't kidding." The song goes on to remind us that He is greater in us than anything that we might face and that sometimes we just need to bob and weave when the enemy attacks. To this day, when Jeanne senses that I am having a rough minute she will respond on Facebook with either "When You said this was a fight, You weren't kidding" or "Bob and Weave" It is her loving reminder that God is still greater than even this thing I am frustrated about. We all need this reminder from time to time.
Being a Christian is HARD!! God will often ask us to do things that we are not qualified or prepared to do. He asks us to trust the direction He is leading us. He is putting big dreams in my heart and in the hearts of some of my friends. He is calling a great number of us out of our comfort zones to do big things for His Kingdom. Guess what. The devil doesn't like it when we do big things for God's Kingdom. He doesn't like it one little bit. The devil will cause us to doubt that we are hearing God. He will try to put roadblocks in the way that will cause frustration. He will tell us we aren't good enough. He will send people to tell us that we are crazy. He will allow us to fall into a state of ,depression or anger. He will do ANYTHING to keep us from doing God's will. However, God says we can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives us strength.
Steven Furtick from Elevation Church preached a message that encouraged me. He spoke about how the devil does not have the power or authority to take away from you the things that God has called you to. If God is giving you a dream and a passion to serve others for His Glory or maybe a dream to be His voice in the world, the devil absolutely cannot take that away from you. God has ordained it and God will put the pieces in place for you to prosper in that area. However, the devil can beat you down until you willingly give the dream and passion to him. He can throw so many roadblocks, trials, and hardships in your way that you decide you must have heard God wrong, or what God is asking you to do isn't worth it. You are so battle weary that you decide you just don't have the strength to move forward. This is the devil. He wants nothing more than to convince you that you CAN'T do something that God is calling you to do. We CANNOT let the devil win.
When you feel the weight of what God is asking you to do pressing down on you, call in your platoon. Ask them to pray for you. Admit that you are a having a rough minute and you will be blessed by the encouragement you get back. I swear that there are days where I am only upright because of the faithful prayers of others. Let us be those who keep our eyes solely focused on the One who loves us beyond measure and cast aside that mean old devil. Let us see the devil's tricks for what they really are. A scared desperate attempt to keep us from God's perfect plan.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Not Just In but Out as Well
God has really been working on me over the last few years to stop listening to the voice of the enemy. I went through a program at DC where I learned about my thought closets. There are the things the world thinks about me, things I think about me, and things God thinks about me. When thoughts come my way and they are trying to derail me, I try to figure out what thought closet those belong in. I then try to focus on the truth in that thought. I have done better about my thoughts since then but it is still a daily struggle.
When I talk about "those" types of thoughts, it could look a million different ways. I made a comment in a meeting and a co-worker jokingly replied, "It's not all about you Holly." She was really just trying to joke with me but I spent the next twenty minutes trying to stop the thoughts that were whirling inside my head. "Am I being selfish?" "No one here likes me!" "I was wrong to have moved down here." "Don't be silly Holly, she didn't mean anything by it." "What if she really did?"
Another example, God had been orchestrating a friendship over the last few years. He made it clear at the Women's Retreat that this was a friendship that was going to matter in the long term and one that I should invest in. I sent my new friend a text message just letting her know that I was thinking about her and praying for her. The next day, God put her on my heart again and I went to send her a text. Let the voices commence! "You are probably annoying her." "She has enough going on in her life besides worrying about responding to you." "You are going to scare her off if you keep texting her." It is maddening the thoughts that we have. What's really funny is that I have another member of my tribe who has recently encouraged me about my gift of encouragement. Why don't I listen to THAT truth that says, me texting people to let them know I am praying for them, is a GOOD thing. The awesome news is that, as I practice, I am getting MUCH faster at stopping my thoughts and putting them where they belong. I am refusing to let the enemy gain ground in my mind.
This blog really is not just about the thoughts that I have inward, but my outward thoughts as well. A dear friend of mine who has been the answer to many prayers reached out to me last week. She said that she knew I had been struggling with my inner thoughts and wanted to share a teaching she had come across. It is called Crash the Chatterbox. You can listen to it by clicking here. Isn't it awesome how God uses us in each other's lives. We have to share the good stuff we come across and not just keep it to ourselves.
Anywho, this series is all about the inner chatterbox and how to crash it. It was a super awesome reminder of all of the tips, techniques, and teachings that I have had on the subject of my thoughts towards myself. It also taught me something new that I had never considered about the chatterbox. In my world, the chatterbox that directs my thoughts about what is going on around me is just as poisonous to me as the one that directs my thoughts about myself. The chatterbox that talks about outside situations will help me to stay stuck in a bad frame of mind and it often fuels a rage in me.
What does this outside thinking chatterbox look like? I have started parking in the back parking lot of our building. There are several reasons for this but the two main ones are this. I have a new role at my company which means I spend most of the day in my office. Coming in the back way allows me greet everyone and say hello before I go to my desk. The other reason is that something evil happens when you come in the front door. It is as if the devil himself greets you at the front door and sucks all of your joy, so I decided to switch it up on him. It really seems to be helping. Now, the other day, one of my coworkers advised me that it wouldn't be long before I was told that I can't park in the back. I didn't really understand why but it was explained to me that some people like to be able to keep an eye on the comings and goings of the staff. The other day, as I was driving into the parking lot at work, the chatterbox started in on his nonsense. "I dare her to ask me why I'm parking in the back." "You know what I'll say to her." "She better not even, she is messing with the wrong person." On and on it went. I was preparing for a battle that may never happen but by the time I got my car parked, my joy was gone. Not one thing had happened besides my thoughts. No one had confronted me. No one had approached me. Why was I letting my own stupid thoughts kill my joy?
It was then that it hit me, that the chatterbox isn't just about being kind to myself. It is about stopping all of the nonsense in my head. I will see someone post something ridiculous on Facebook and it makes me angry. "Why in the world did she say that?" "Did she not realize that she was going to hurt someone's feelings doing that?" "I have half a mind to tell her about herself." "Do you remember when she said that ridiculous thing to me?" "What is wrong with her?" All this thinking does, is get me wound up. It brings no joy. It just steals it. The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. Take your thoughts back from him. When you feel yourself mulling thoughts over and over in your head about a situation that is taking your focus away from God, just shut him down.
What does your thought life look like? Have you learned to love yourself but still let the chatterbox have your thoughts about situations you can't control? Try to keep an awareness of when the thoughts in your mind are coming rapid fire, intentionally stop them and ask yourself, is this way of thinking bringing me closer or farther away from God. If you struggle in this area, please take some time to watch the series. I think you will be blessed by it. Crash the Chatterbox
When I talk about "those" types of thoughts, it could look a million different ways. I made a comment in a meeting and a co-worker jokingly replied, "It's not all about you Holly." She was really just trying to joke with me but I spent the next twenty minutes trying to stop the thoughts that were whirling inside my head. "Am I being selfish?" "No one here likes me!" "I was wrong to have moved down here." "Don't be silly Holly, she didn't mean anything by it." "What if she really did?"
Another example, God had been orchestrating a friendship over the last few years. He made it clear at the Women's Retreat that this was a friendship that was going to matter in the long term and one that I should invest in. I sent my new friend a text message just letting her know that I was thinking about her and praying for her. The next day, God put her on my heart again and I went to send her a text. Let the voices commence! "You are probably annoying her." "She has enough going on in her life besides worrying about responding to you." "You are going to scare her off if you keep texting her." It is maddening the thoughts that we have. What's really funny is that I have another member of my tribe who has recently encouraged me about my gift of encouragement. Why don't I listen to THAT truth that says, me texting people to let them know I am praying for them, is a GOOD thing. The awesome news is that, as I practice, I am getting MUCH faster at stopping my thoughts and putting them where they belong. I am refusing to let the enemy gain ground in my mind.
This blog really is not just about the thoughts that I have inward, but my outward thoughts as well. A dear friend of mine who has been the answer to many prayers reached out to me last week. She said that she knew I had been struggling with my inner thoughts and wanted to share a teaching she had come across. It is called Crash the Chatterbox. You can listen to it by clicking here. Isn't it awesome how God uses us in each other's lives. We have to share the good stuff we come across and not just keep it to ourselves.
Anywho, this series is all about the inner chatterbox and how to crash it. It was a super awesome reminder of all of the tips, techniques, and teachings that I have had on the subject of my thoughts towards myself. It also taught me something new that I had never considered about the chatterbox. In my world, the chatterbox that directs my thoughts about what is going on around me is just as poisonous to me as the one that directs my thoughts about myself. The chatterbox that talks about outside situations will help me to stay stuck in a bad frame of mind and it often fuels a rage in me.
What does this outside thinking chatterbox look like? I have started parking in the back parking lot of our building. There are several reasons for this but the two main ones are this. I have a new role at my company which means I spend most of the day in my office. Coming in the back way allows me greet everyone and say hello before I go to my desk. The other reason is that something evil happens when you come in the front door. It is as if the devil himself greets you at the front door and sucks all of your joy, so I decided to switch it up on him. It really seems to be helping. Now, the other day, one of my coworkers advised me that it wouldn't be long before I was told that I can't park in the back. I didn't really understand why but it was explained to me that some people like to be able to keep an eye on the comings and goings of the staff. The other day, as I was driving into the parking lot at work, the chatterbox started in on his nonsense. "I dare her to ask me why I'm parking in the back." "You know what I'll say to her." "She better not even, she is messing with the wrong person." On and on it went. I was preparing for a battle that may never happen but by the time I got my car parked, my joy was gone. Not one thing had happened besides my thoughts. No one had confronted me. No one had approached me. Why was I letting my own stupid thoughts kill my joy?
It was then that it hit me, that the chatterbox isn't just about being kind to myself. It is about stopping all of the nonsense in my head. I will see someone post something ridiculous on Facebook and it makes me angry. "Why in the world did she say that?" "Did she not realize that she was going to hurt someone's feelings doing that?" "I have half a mind to tell her about herself." "Do you remember when she said that ridiculous thing to me?" "What is wrong with her?" All this thinking does, is get me wound up. It brings no joy. It just steals it. The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. Take your thoughts back from him. When you feel yourself mulling thoughts over and over in your head about a situation that is taking your focus away from God, just shut him down.
What does your thought life look like? Have you learned to love yourself but still let the chatterbox have your thoughts about situations you can't control? Try to keep an awareness of when the thoughts in your mind are coming rapid fire, intentionally stop them and ask yourself, is this way of thinking bringing me closer or farther away from God. If you struggle in this area, please take some time to watch the series. I think you will be blessed by it. Crash the Chatterbox
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Obedience- That's a hard one
When I was working at the security company, my job became pretty overwhelming. I had been working the night shift for many years and it was beginning to take a toll on me. I had moved through the ranks until I was a member of the management team and I loved the people that worked for me. I had a desire to be a good leader and not just a good manager. I ended up with a boss that shared a very different philosophy on how to build a team and run a company. It became a daily source of frustration for me when it seemed that I could do nothing right in the eyes of my boss. On most days, I would leave work with tears in my eyes, and cry out to God on the drive home. "Lord, can you please release me from this place?" Every time I asked, His answer was the same, "Go back and lead your people." I would go back into work with a renewed spirit. Over time, I would get beaten down again. I would find myself crying out to God again, "Lord, pretty please can you release me from this place? I know that it cannot be Your will for me to be this miserable." His response was ALWAYS "Go back and lead your people." Ugggh....really God....REALLY!!!
One day, I had to work all night and then I found out that I had to come back into the office during the day to attend a meeting. The meeting was dreadful and the things that were being asked of us were ridiculous, not to mention I had only had four hours of sleep before the meeting. On the way home that afternoon, I cried out to God. "I can't do this anymore Lord, can I please work somewhere else??" This time He replied, "You are free to go." I went home, still in tears from the frustration of the meeting. I told Leanna that I couldn't work there anymore and that maybe I would call my friend Kelly who had left to work for another company to see if she had any openings. I left the house to take the boys to Scouts and on the drive there, my phone rang. When I got to the Scout church, I listened to the message. It was my sweet friend Meira, who happened to work for Kelly at this new place. I kid you not, this was her exact message, "Hey Holly, It's Meira. Kelly and I were wondering if you are sick of your job yet because we have an opening for a Customer Service Manager and it would be super awesome if you would come work with us." Are you kidding me??? See..that's why I started that sentence off with "I kid you not" :)
Of course, tears streamed down my face as I listened to sweet Meira's voice, knowing that she had been an answer to prayer. I called Meira that night to ask about the position and called Kelly the next day. Seems easy enough right, I mean...they called me. Wrong..because even when we know that it is God it is so hard for some of us to trust Him. I called Kelly and the position sounded perfect but there was a problem. The starting pay was several thousand below what I was making. I couldn't take a pay cut, that's not how this is supposed to work. I told Kelly about my concern. She knew me well enough to encourage me to pray about it. I spent several days "discussing" it with God. Arguing is more like it.
Me: "God, I can't afford a pay cut."
God: "Holly, do you trust Me?"
Me: "Yes, but I have bills to pay."
God: "Holly, do you trust Me?"
Me: "Yes, but You don't understand"
God: "Why don't You trust Me? I had Meira call you, isn't that enough proof that I want you to take this job"
Me: "Okay fine, I'll take a pay cut but You are going to have to pay my bills"
Just being transparent here :) God was trying to hand me a blessing and I was arguing with Him about it. Geesh!! Anyway...so I called Kelly and said that I could work with the salary. She just started laughing. Her exact words, "I just left my boss's office and she said that if I thought you were worth it, to go ahead and match your current salary." No pay cut...Go God!!
Done deal right...nope...I was very stubborn back then. Okay...more stubborn than I am now. So Kelly and I started talking about what hours I was going to have to work. She said that I would have to work 9:30am-6pm Mon-Fri. I went on to explain to her about how that wasn't going to work because I had two ten year old boys at home and Leanna didn't get off work until 7:30pm and by the time either of us could get home, the boys would be alone for at least 3 hours by themselves. It just wasn't going to work. Kelly told me to pray about it. This time, the conversation was a little shorter.
Me: "God, these hours won't work, What am I supposed to do with this?"
God: "You are supposed to trust me."
Me: "I do, but who is going to take care of the boys?"
God: "Your "but" doesn't sound like you trust me."
Me: "Okay fine, but you have to find a way to take care of the boys."
Yup, that's me...still arguing with God even though He has now shown me twice that He is in control. So I called Kelly and told her that I would take the job. She starting laughing and said, "You know, I've been thinking. I am currently working 7am-3:30pm and I HATE coming in early. We just need coverage, so why don't you take the early shift and I'll take the late shift." All I could do was smile.
That is how I got the initial job at the company that catapulted me up the corporate ladder. Several years later, I was sitting at a seaside restaurant in Brazil having lunch with a coworker. Yes, Brazil. How crazy is it that this job God dropped in my lap, that I argued with Him about, resulted in a job that allowed me to travel to Brazil...without paying for it :) Sorry..back to the seaside restaurant. So I am at this restaurant and my coworker asks me, "Have you always been so religious." I explained that I am not really religious, I am just head over heels in love with Jesus. I went on to explain what Jesus looks like in my life. He asked me how I knew that God was real. I explained that I had once been homeless, living in a Denny's conference room and now I am sitting in a seaside restaurant in Brazil. He asked me how I know that I didn't just get here from all of my hard work. I explained to him that I knew who I was before Christ and then I explained the story above, about how God made it so clear to me that this was the company I was supposed to work for. He said to me, "What makes you so special that God would have that kind of favor in your life. There are other Christians that God doesn't hand jobs to." I was hard pressed to respond at the time and to be honest, I can't remember what I said to him. I really couldn't comprehend why God had been so good to me.
I mulled over that conversation for a long time after I flew home. One day, God revealed the answer to my coworker's question to me. He had blessed me with that job because I had been obedient. I could have walked off that security job a thousand times and found the first job to come along just so I didn't have to be miserable. I didn't though, I consistently chased after the will of God. Every time He asked me to go back and lead my people, I did. I left that company ten years ago, but I still have friends today that used to work for me back then. I lead the heck out of that team and loved on them the best I could. When God released me and dropped the new job in my lap, I was so excited. Then when I started getting the details, I was scared. I could've allowed the devil to talk me out of it and lost the job due to my own stupid fears. Instead, I took that fear to God and I let Him calm my heart and then I did what I felt He was asking me to do.
Many times over since then, I've had to simply be obedient. Even when it's scary, like leaving the Customer Service life to work in I.T. Even when it hurts, like leaving everyone I know and love with two weeks notice to move 1200 miles away. Even when it's awkward, like deciding to sell It Works. Even when I really really didn't want to, like forgiving my Dad who left me when I was a child.
Now, hear my heart. I am not saying that if things don't appear to be going your way, that you aren't being obedient. God has a purpose and a plan for each of us. It will never look the same for any of us. Nor should we want it to. I love that when I gather with my sister friends, we come from all walks of life, with a vast assortment of experiences. We can draw strength from each other's experiences. Your walk will look difference, but obedience is important.
I guess the thought for today is, what is God asking you to do? Are you doing whatever "feels" right, or are you seeking God's will in the decisions you make? I promise you that life is a whole lot better when you give the control to Him.
Exodus 19:5 (NIV) Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Me Too
Last weekend was the Desperation Church Women's Retreat. There are not enough words in my vocabulary to explain the goodness of that weekend so I won't even make an attempt. There is one thing that keeps milling around in my mind, so like always, I am assume I should just put it here for everyone else to mill around too.
At the retreat center, there are several bunk houses. Most of the bunk houses had five people in them but there is room to squeeze in one or two more. The ladies in my bunk house were a mixture of close friends, people who made me laugh, people I've cried with, and even one lady who I've been a little scared of over the years. I knew that we would have good times and I knew that none of these ladies were snorers so I was super excited to share life with them for a few days. I had no idea what God was about to do in that bunk house.
On Friday nights, there is usually a time of worship, followed by an amazing teaching, and then usually a campfire. It was rainy on Friday night and the wood was wet so we decided not to try. Our little group went back to our bunk house and started talking about life. Another friend from the bunk house next door came over with a HUGE bag of snacks. Slowly, other people would walk by our bunk house and hear the laughter or conversation and come and find a seat. As each one came in, the rest of us would scoot around and make room for them. I think that at one point there was something like 12-15 ladies in our little room. Some would rotate in and out as they made the rounds with other women who were gathered somewhere.
Something magical happened that night and it was super fun to watch. One lady would be brave enough to share about how she was arrested in front of her kids and a chorus of "ME TOO" would ring out and more arrest stories would come pouring out. (No, we aren't all a bunch of criminals) One lady would share about how she was struggling with their child in a particular area, and there would be a collective "ME TOO" and there would be more stories about the struggles of raising children. It was a group of ladies that were simply being real with each other. I can't speak for the rest of the women in that room Friday night but I can tell you that as everyone left the room that night, I felt a sense of belonging...a sense that I am not walking this journey alone.
This concept of "ME TOO" carried on throughout the weekend. A friend needed to share some hard stuff that was going on in her life and the more we talked, the more "ME TOO" moments we had. Small group time was filled with a lot of "ME TOO" and "I was going to say what she just said." Another friend and I were talking about how she had been crying all weekend and it was driving her crazy. Yep, you guessed it..."ME TOO". It facilitated a conversation about how we often feel like our tears are a sign of weakness. As we dug in, though, we agreed that most of the tears are simply about how overwhelmed we are by God's love for us. That conversation helped us land in a place where we thought, "may we ALWAYS be so overwhelmed with God's love for us that it leaks out of our eyes."
There is magic that happens when we are willing to share our vulnerable places with others. It allows them to share their vulnerable places right back. It helps to know that there are other people in this world who understand our struggles. It deepens friendships. Sharing is scary sometimes but here is what I do. I share just a little bit of truth with someone and see how they handle it. If they handle it tenderly, I trust them with a little more. Not only does it build my trust, it builds our friendship. It's good stuff...you should try it.
I will leave you with this quote. "If we could believe we are deeply connected in the fragile places, we could drop the games. When you tell me the truth about yourself, I no longer hide from you. You become safe for me. So guess what? You are now a recipient of my truth too. I am drawn to you. Your vulnerability makes a path for my own. Your truth-telling says to me, "I will not despise, judge, or abandon you." Ironically, it gives me the courage to be afraid, the strength to be weak." - Jen Hatmaker - For The Love book - HIGHLY recommended.
At the retreat center, there are several bunk houses. Most of the bunk houses had five people in them but there is room to squeeze in one or two more. The ladies in my bunk house were a mixture of close friends, people who made me laugh, people I've cried with, and even one lady who I've been a little scared of over the years. I knew that we would have good times and I knew that none of these ladies were snorers so I was super excited to share life with them for a few days. I had no idea what God was about to do in that bunk house.
On Friday nights, there is usually a time of worship, followed by an amazing teaching, and then usually a campfire. It was rainy on Friday night and the wood was wet so we decided not to try. Our little group went back to our bunk house and started talking about life. Another friend from the bunk house next door came over with a HUGE bag of snacks. Slowly, other people would walk by our bunk house and hear the laughter or conversation and come and find a seat. As each one came in, the rest of us would scoot around and make room for them. I think that at one point there was something like 12-15 ladies in our little room. Some would rotate in and out as they made the rounds with other women who were gathered somewhere.
Something magical happened that night and it was super fun to watch. One lady would be brave enough to share about how she was arrested in front of her kids and a chorus of "ME TOO" would ring out and more arrest stories would come pouring out. (No, we aren't all a bunch of criminals) One lady would share about how she was struggling with their child in a particular area, and there would be a collective "ME TOO" and there would be more stories about the struggles of raising children. It was a group of ladies that were simply being real with each other. I can't speak for the rest of the women in that room Friday night but I can tell you that as everyone left the room that night, I felt a sense of belonging...a sense that I am not walking this journey alone.
This concept of "ME TOO" carried on throughout the weekend. A friend needed to share some hard stuff that was going on in her life and the more we talked, the more "ME TOO" moments we had. Small group time was filled with a lot of "ME TOO" and "I was going to say what she just said." Another friend and I were talking about how she had been crying all weekend and it was driving her crazy. Yep, you guessed it..."ME TOO". It facilitated a conversation about how we often feel like our tears are a sign of weakness. As we dug in, though, we agreed that most of the tears are simply about how overwhelmed we are by God's love for us. That conversation helped us land in a place where we thought, "may we ALWAYS be so overwhelmed with God's love for us that it leaks out of our eyes."
There is magic that happens when we are willing to share our vulnerable places with others. It allows them to share their vulnerable places right back. It helps to know that there are other people in this world who understand our struggles. It deepens friendships. Sharing is scary sometimes but here is what I do. I share just a little bit of truth with someone and see how they handle it. If they handle it tenderly, I trust them with a little more. Not only does it build my trust, it builds our friendship. It's good stuff...you should try it.
I will leave you with this quote. "If we could believe we are deeply connected in the fragile places, we could drop the games. When you tell me the truth about yourself, I no longer hide from you. You become safe for me. So guess what? You are now a recipient of my truth too. I am drawn to you. Your vulnerability makes a path for my own. Your truth-telling says to me, "I will not despise, judge, or abandon you." Ironically, it gives me the courage to be afraid, the strength to be weak." - Jen Hatmaker - For The Love book - HIGHLY recommended.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Denny's booths are Comfortable
I just had the most amazing weekend. I have so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I want to share about this past weekend but some of that is going to have to wait. First of all, I need to process. Second...it's just too much.
I did want to take a minute to share a story that some of you may not know. The reason I am going to share it is because Pam told me to. Pam is a new Legacy Collective friend that I met this past weekend. We were touring Community First Village (which will need a whole blog post of its own), and we came upon another couple looking at one of the canvas houses. Pam and Dr. Pam (or Tom..but you know...whatever) and Leanna and I struck up a conversation about the homeless population. We talked about how there are so many assumptions that are made about the homeless population. How a lot of Americans assume that drug addiction is the reason everyone is homeless.
Then for some crazy reason...I decided to share about the season of my life that I lived on the streets.
When I was 19-20ish, There was a short period of time where I was homeless. In an attempt to run from the hurts and pains of my past, I had turned to alcohol. I wanted to live life as numb as I could. I was struggling to maintain my sanity. I was full of anger at the world and I felt lost. I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere which meant I was making bad decisions and hanging out with other people who were full of anger and felt lost.
I had been living in an apartment with a co-worker who was taking the rent money and paying her car payment instead and eventually we lost our apartment. I began bouncing from friend's couch to friend's couch. Never really staying anywhere too long. I couldn't stand being around people but I also couldn't stand to be alone. It was a pretty tough time. Eventually, my friends were tired of me sleeping on their couches and spending any money I had on alcohol. Before too long...I had nothing left but my car.
I had a few friends who needed rides from time to time so I would trade rides to work for a hot shower or a pack of cigarettes. Some would let me park in their parents' driveway for the night so I would have a safe place to put my seat back and rest. I eventually discovered that the Denny's parking lot was a super safe place to park at night. They were open 24 hours and the parking lot was well lit. My brother and his girlfriend both worked there. Just to be clear, they had no clue that I was homeless. I was too embarrassed to tell them. Anyway....it gets SUPER COLD in Kansas City in the dead of winter. I would pull into the Denny's parking lot about midnight and run the heater on full blast to get the car as warm as possible. Then I would shut off the car, to conserve gas, and crawl into the hatchback and go to sleep. When I woke up cold, I would climb in the front and warm the car up again. I had been doing this for quite a few weeks. Every night, warm up the car, sleep, warm up the car, sleep.
One night, I was in the back of the car sound asleep when someone started pounding on the window. I was terrified. When I opened my eyes, the Denny's Manager was telling me to get out of the car. I was so sure that he was going to tell me that I had to leave. He just smiled at me and said, "It is entirely too cold for you to be out here. Please come inside." I followed him inside and he took me through the restaurant to the banquet area in the back room. He let me know that the booths were really comfortable and that I should lay down and get some rest. He would shut the door to the banquet room and no one would know I was in there. I half-slept that night, listening to every noise, thinking that someone was going to find me in there and wonder what I was doing. About 6am, he came into the room and brought me some hot chocolate, pancakes, and bacon. He said that I needed to be out by 6:30 before the day shift came in but I was welcome back at midnight on any night that he worked.
I only needed that room for a few more weeks. This man ended up giving me a job at Denny's and I eventually asked my brother if I could stay with him for a while while I got back on my feet. I don't remember his name, but I will never ever forget his kindness.
This man taking the time to let me know that I mattered, changed something deep inside of me. Did his actions heal the brokenness in my spirit? No...I would find out later that I would need Jesus for that. I believe that the manager probably didn't think much of what he did for me. It was just in his character to love on people.
So here I was, standing at the door of this canvas house sharing this story with my new friend Pam. Standing there as a person that God had redeemed. Standing there as living proof that sometimes all someone needs is to know that they matter and that there are people that are FOR them. Standing there feeling overwhelmed with the knowledge that God has made beauty from the ashes of my life and provided a way for me to pour that love back into the world. Pam told me, "You need to share this story today and share it a lot". I didn't get the opportunity to share it again on Saturday but here it is. The manager could have easily asked me to leave the property, but instead, he let me know that he was FOR me. May we be those who are FOR and not against those who just need to know that they matter. I will leave you with this song from Jason Gray - If You Want To Love Someone.
I did want to take a minute to share a story that some of you may not know. The reason I am going to share it is because Pam told me to. Pam is a new Legacy Collective friend that I met this past weekend. We were touring Community First Village (which will need a whole blog post of its own), and we came upon another couple looking at one of the canvas houses. Pam and Dr. Pam (or Tom..but you know...whatever) and Leanna and I struck up a conversation about the homeless population. We talked about how there are so many assumptions that are made about the homeless population. How a lot of Americans assume that drug addiction is the reason everyone is homeless.
Then for some crazy reason...I decided to share about the season of my life that I lived on the streets.
When I was 19-20ish, There was a short period of time where I was homeless. In an attempt to run from the hurts and pains of my past, I had turned to alcohol. I wanted to live life as numb as I could. I was struggling to maintain my sanity. I was full of anger at the world and I felt lost. I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere which meant I was making bad decisions and hanging out with other people who were full of anger and felt lost.
I had been living in an apartment with a co-worker who was taking the rent money and paying her car payment instead and eventually we lost our apartment. I began bouncing from friend's couch to friend's couch. Never really staying anywhere too long. I couldn't stand being around people but I also couldn't stand to be alone. It was a pretty tough time. Eventually, my friends were tired of me sleeping on their couches and spending any money I had on alcohol. Before too long...I had nothing left but my car.
I had a few friends who needed rides from time to time so I would trade rides to work for a hot shower or a pack of cigarettes. Some would let me park in their parents' driveway for the night so I would have a safe place to put my seat back and rest. I eventually discovered that the Denny's parking lot was a super safe place to park at night. They were open 24 hours and the parking lot was well lit. My brother and his girlfriend both worked there. Just to be clear, they had no clue that I was homeless. I was too embarrassed to tell them. Anyway....it gets SUPER COLD in Kansas City in the dead of winter. I would pull into the Denny's parking lot about midnight and run the heater on full blast to get the car as warm as possible. Then I would shut off the car, to conserve gas, and crawl into the hatchback and go to sleep. When I woke up cold, I would climb in the front and warm the car up again. I had been doing this for quite a few weeks. Every night, warm up the car, sleep, warm up the car, sleep.
One night, I was in the back of the car sound asleep when someone started pounding on the window. I was terrified. When I opened my eyes, the Denny's Manager was telling me to get out of the car. I was so sure that he was going to tell me that I had to leave. He just smiled at me and said, "It is entirely too cold for you to be out here. Please come inside." I followed him inside and he took me through the restaurant to the banquet area in the back room. He let me know that the booths were really comfortable and that I should lay down and get some rest. He would shut the door to the banquet room and no one would know I was in there. I half-slept that night, listening to every noise, thinking that someone was going to find me in there and wonder what I was doing. About 6am, he came into the room and brought me some hot chocolate, pancakes, and bacon. He said that I needed to be out by 6:30 before the day shift came in but I was welcome back at midnight on any night that he worked.
I only needed that room for a few more weeks. This man ended up giving me a job at Denny's and I eventually asked my brother if I could stay with him for a while while I got back on my feet. I don't remember his name, but I will never ever forget his kindness.
This man taking the time to let me know that I mattered, changed something deep inside of me. Did his actions heal the brokenness in my spirit? No...I would find out later that I would need Jesus for that. I believe that the manager probably didn't think much of what he did for me. It was just in his character to love on people.
So here I was, standing at the door of this canvas house sharing this story with my new friend Pam. Standing there as a person that God had redeemed. Standing there as living proof that sometimes all someone needs is to know that they matter and that there are people that are FOR them. Standing there feeling overwhelmed with the knowledge that God has made beauty from the ashes of my life and provided a way for me to pour that love back into the world. Pam told me, "You need to share this story today and share it a lot". I didn't get the opportunity to share it again on Saturday but here it is. The manager could have easily asked me to leave the property, but instead, he let me know that he was FOR me. May we be those who are FOR and not against those who just need to know that they matter. I will leave you with this song from Jason Gray - If You Want To Love Someone.
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