Great Love Brings Deep Grief

At the very first Women's Retreat that I attended with Desperation Church, one of the ice breaker questions was, "What is one topic that you feel qualified to teach a class on?"  We went around the table and someone said quilting, another person said yoga, and when it got to me, my answer was grief.  I think it was an unexpected answer to the women at the table and one they admitted they didn't want to be qualified to teach.

My first loss was my step-dad who died when I was 15 to a long hard battle against cancer.    Just a short month later, we lost my Great Grandpa Holly (yes, the one I'm named after) to a long hard fight again cancer as well.  The losses in my life have come at regular intervals since then.  Sometimes I'll get lucky and go a year or two without losing someone I care about.  I have attended more funerals than I care to sit here and count.  I have lost Grandparents, co-workers, friends, family, family friends, my dad, my friends' dads.  Some in their 20's, some in their 30's, some who had a super long life.  Some were expected, and some absolutely took our breath away.

The loss I want to talk about  today, is the loss that I suffered at the age of 22, exactly 19 years ago today.  This was the loss that taught me, and continues to teach me, everything that I never wanted to know about grief.  My oldest brother, who had been my very best friend for my entire life, died in a car accident at the age of 26, right before my very eyes.  I will spare you the details of the anguish and torment that was a constant companion for the year following his death.  I poured myself into the bottle to numb it all away but every time I would sober up, the deep loss was there.  I couldn't sleep, I could barely breathe.  I didn't want to live and the only thing that kept me marching on was the promise that I had made to my brother the night before he died.  If you don't know the story, I wrote about part of it here.

In the midst of my great sadness, God captured my heart.  He met me right where I was in the darkest place I'd ever been and He let me bring every hard memory and minute of heartbreak to Him.  He was everything that I never knew I needed.  God started to slowly show me  that I could honor my brother by the way I lived my life.  He was such a kind, caring, and loving guy.  His laugh would fill a room.  He loved kids, especially his own.  I knew that he wouldn't want me to get stuck in my grief...he would want me to love like he did.  Laugh like he did.  So that's what I got busy doing.   I've been told I have a contagious smile and every time I smile at someone and they smile back, I think of my brother.   I often wonder if he can see me from up in heaven.  I know that if he can, he would be proud of the life I've lived and the love that I've shared.

As anyone who has suffered a great loss knows, it really does get easier over time.  You go from crying every minute of every day, to several times a day, to several times a week, to a few times a month, to a couple of times a year.  The loss never goes away....EVER...but it does get easier.  One of my favorite quotes on grief is this one by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

There are quite a few people in my circle of friends who are grieving losses of their own.  I just want to remind them , we don't grieve things that we didn't love.  I found myself in tears the other day, seeing this date on the calendar.  I reached out to a friend and asked , "It's been 19 years...why does it still have to hurt this much??"  She replied with a reminder of the truth, "Because you love so deeply."   I do love deeply and if that means that I have to grieve deeply, then so be it.