Praying in the Hallway

In 2 Kings Chapter 4 there is a story of Elisha taking a trip to Shunem.  There was a super nice lady that lived there who urged him to stay for a meal.  Elisha made it a point that, whenever he travelled to Shunem, he stopped by to eat.   The Shunammite woman recognized that Elisha was a holy man. She talked to her husband about making a room for him, so that he would have some place to stay when he came for a visit.

Elisha was so grateful for her hospitality that he asked her what he could do for her.  She was like, "Nah...I'm good."  So Elisha asked his servant and he explained that the Shunammite's husband was old and she had no son.  So Elisha told her that at the same time next year, she would hold a son in her arms.  She was like, "Nope, don't you lie to me if it's not going to happen."  Sure enough, she became pregnant and a year later she gave birth to a son.

One day her son was out working in the field with his dad and his head started to hurt.  Dad was like, "Take him to his mom."  The boy sat on her lap and died.  She took him up and laid his lifeless body on the bed in Elisha's room.  She immediately called for a donkey so she could go see Elisha.  I'm sure she had plenty she wanted to say to him. When he saw her coming, Elisha sent his servant to ask if she was alright.  She said, "Everything is alright."  At first, I was trying to figure out why she told him she was alright when it was clear that she wasn't.  Then I realized that I don't always tell everyone when I'm not alright.  (Also, I'm alright-ish)

Anywho...when she got to Elisha, she gave him a little 'what for'.  "Did I ask you to give me a son? Didn't I tell you not to let me get my hopes up???"  Oh, how I feel her emotion.  She never asked for a son but this man of God had given her one.  She had asked him not to get her hopes up.  This sounds like a woman who was used to being hurt.  She was used to being  let down.  She had learned not to get too attached to anything that sounded too good to be true.  When she became pregnant and had her son, she must've thought...finally.  Finally, it's my turn to have some joy in my life.  It's my turn for things to work out,  Then...the unthinkable happens.    Her precious son, a gift from the Lord, dies on her lap.  I can feel the heartbreak.

Elisha tried to send his servant to go heal the boy but the Shunammite woman wasn't having it.  She said, "I'm not leaving."  So, Elisha got up and went with her.  When Elisha got to her house, he saw the boy lying dead.  He went into the room where the boy was and SHUT THE DOOR.  He left that poor woman standing out in the hallway.  Can you imagine?  She had no idea what was happening on the other side of the door.  She didn't know what this man of God was doing.  Her precious son was dead and she was left all alone...to wait.

There are several situations that have happened in 2020 that have me feeling the way that I imagine the Shunnamite woman must have felt.  I started off shaking my fist at God asking Him, "Didn't I tell you not to let me get my hopes up?"  I hope you all know that God can handle it when you shake your fist at Him.  God has met me right in the midst of my hurt and frustration.  He has walked right into the middle of these situations and shut the door behind Him.  God is fully capable of revealing His plan to me.  He could show me how He is going to work things out for my good and His glory.   He has chosen not to.  He is asking me to trust Him, even when I cannot see.  He is asking me to pray, fervently, during my time in the hallway.  He is using my time in the hallway, not just to change the situations, but to change me.  

God has been faithful enough to crack the door open from time to time, so that I can get the tiniest glimpse of the work that He is doing on the other side of the door.  He whispered to me this morning that I only have eyes to see through the crack in the door because of my closeness to Him.  

Does God have you in the hallway?  Has He shut the door in your face while He works out things on the other side?  I have some good news for you.  Elisha brought back to life what was on the other side of the door. Had the woman been watching, the way Elisha went about it wouldn't have made any sense.  Sometimes the way God goes about working in our lives doesn't make sense either, but He promises that it will always be for our good.  

Trust Him...and while you wait...pray in the hallway.

Let Peace Set the Pace

Life is hard right now.  So many things in my life feel upside down.  There is so much uncertainty for the future and I have been struggling.   Back in early September, a pastor had a Word for me and that Word has served me well.  He said, "God is showing me that there is a peace in you that He is wanting to be your rhythm.  Let peace be your pace, let peace be your state."  I have come back to that Word over and over again.  When I first heard it, I summarized it into, "Let peace be the rhythm, let peace set the pace."  

God has been working on me since last December to take things one day at a time.  When I start thinking too far ahead, the peace disappears.  The truth is that I really have no idea what the future holds.  We can guess; we can hope; we can plan, but none of us really know.  I can bet that no one predicted the dumpster fire that 2020 turned into. I remember that God is asking me to take things one day at a time, and the peace returns.

When I start trying to do things on my own, or to take matters into my own hands, I start to lose my peace.  I am a person who is used to taking charge.  When situations come up, I handle them.  I think that I know best what to do.  Yet, I have no peace.  God nudges me and say, "Let Me Do It," which is a blog post for another day. When I surrender control back to Him, the peace returns.

Several years ago, a holistic doctor taught me how to "listen" to my body when it came to how my body reacted to food.  If I pay close attention, I can determine which foods make my body hurt and which foods give my body energy.  It has taken a lot of practice, but I've really started to figure this body out.  

God is showing me, now, that if I listen my spiritual body, it will also tell me how it's doing.  When I start to feel the peace slipping away, and anxiety and unsettledness slipping in, I am learning to pause and try to figure out what I'm trying to do in my own power.  Am I trying to analyze every input to try to determine the future?  Am I worrying about things I have no control over?  Am I letting the enemy lie to me?  When these things happen, I turn my eyes to Jesus, I remember His promises to me, and I surrender it all to Him again, and again, and again.  It takes practice.  It's hard.  It's worth it.  

Think about your own life in this current season.  Are you letting peace set the pace?  Ask God to show you what areas you need to surrender to Him so that He can keep you centered in His perfect peace. 

Of course, there is a song that has been speaking to me in this season.  It's called Missing Peace by JJ Heller.  Have a listen, it will remind you that no matter what you are facing, He is your missing peace.

He Sees Around the Corner

 As part of the healing process for my spine, I am supposed to walk as much as I can tolerate.  As part of the healing process for the emotional upheaval that 2020 has brought me, I walk as much as I can tolerate.   We have been blessed with some beautiful weather in Kansas City, considering that it's November.  In light of that, I have been taking every opportunity to walk outside.  

When I walk, I put in my headphones and turn on some sort of worship music in my ear.  I saw a post on Instagram the other day that said, "I like my Jesus music at a volume where I can't hear the enemy."  It was funny because it's true.  While the loud music drowns out the enemy, God can still whisper straight to my heart.  Funny how that works.

On one recent day, I was walking and talking to God about all the uncertainty in my life.  Nothing that 2020 has brought me makes any sense.  I keep saying to Him, "God, I don't know what you are doing, but I trust You."  I do trust Him.  For the first time in my life, I truly trust that whatever He is doing, is for my good, and His glory.   As I was walking, and asking for answers, I saw this path ahead of me.

God gently whispered, "You can't see around the corner from here, but I can. You just have to trust that what's around the corner is exactly what you need for now."   It reminded me of all of the analogies I've heard over the years about how God sees the whole movie or the whole parade. It was a great reminder that God knows what's next.  It isn't a surprise to Him.  I was feeling God's peace until I got around that corner and saw this...

Then I was like, "You're funny God.  This is how my life always goes.  I feel like you tell me to just be patient, that answers will come when I get around the next corner, but it seems like every time I come around the corner.....there is just another corner that I can't see around."  God ever so gingerly whispered into my spirit, "It's because I am teaching you to trust me through every twist and turn.  No matter what comes, I know what lies ahead."  

I kept praying and walking and praising and walking.  I am so thankful for all that God has brought me through.  I am so grateful that He has been so close to me this year.  He is changing my mindset and changing my prayers...and changing me in the process.  As I rounded the last corner of the trail, I saw this sight...and I laughed.  

I didn't even wait for God to whisper to me.  I just looked up at the sky, laughed, and said, "I know God...when the path You have me on doesn't even look like a clear path exists....trust You in those times too."  

I can't close out a blog post without a song...okay...I could...but why would I want to.  This song has been on a regular rotation for close to 10 years.  So you'll see, the recent lesson on the trail wasn't a new one for me.  I just need a reminder.  From this One Place by Sara Groves

Storms Never Stop But Neither Do Rainbows

 2020 has been incredibly hard for so many people that I love.  There has been so much loss, so much grief, so much anxiety, so many challenges, so many questions, way too many storms.  I haven't been spared either.  2020 has been harder on me than any other year I've ever faced, including 1998 which, up until now, held the record for hardest year ever.

This year has been a year of storms for me.  Some I've been very public about and some I've held close to my chest.  Anyone who follows me on Facebook knows that my mom had a horrible car accident in December which resulted in my entire life being turned upside down for five months while she was bedridden.  As soon as I got her settled, the process of getting my back fixed began.  I had to lose 25lbs in order to even speak to the surgeon about doing a surgery that I so desperately needed.  If you think being told that you have to lose weight isn't a storm, then you obviously have never had to give up queso for months.  So many of you prayed me through surgery, and all of the complications that came with it.  I wasn't prepared for a shattered vertebrae, a leg that was dead with no feeling, smaller screws, and a back brace.  I definitely wasn't prepared for the blood clot and blood infection that came just two weeks later.  None of this was made any easier by Covid.  

What an incredibly difficult year, for me, and for so many others.  I want to share what kept going through my head during those difficult days in the hospital.  It was something I heard on a show. When I heard it, I paused the screen and rewound it to make sure I heard it correctly.  A lady turned to her friend and asked, "Do the storms ever stop coming?" Her friend looked up at her and said, "No, but neither do the rainbows."   I was smack dab in the middle of a huge storm in my life and those words hit me to my very core.  

I realized the truth of those words.  I thought back to all of the storms I've faced in my life, and there have been plenty.  God was always right there.  He walked me through them, even when I couldn't see Him, or couldn't feel Him.  When I looked back, I could see His fingerprints all over the things that had happened in the midst of those storms.  

When we are in the middle of the storm, all we can see is the chaos swirling around us.  All we can feel are the stirred up emotions.  All we can hear is the wind whipping around us, threatening to knock us completely off of our feet.  In the midst of the storm....we often can't see Him.  Things are too dark and stormy.  I think in the middle of those storms, the enemy sends his minions to distort our thoughts.  The enemy uses those storms to try to convince us that if God truly loved us, He wouldn't let us suffer this way.  I know that I've been a victim of this thinking, but not anymore.  God has sealed the truth of His love for me down deep inside my heart.    

If you are currently in the middle of a storm, I want to encourage you.  This storm will pass.  The wind and the rain will die down and if you look up, you will see the rainbow that always comes after the storm.  Storms don't last forever.

I held tightly to this truth while my body worked to fight off the infection that was trying to kill me.  I hold tightly to it now, while God is working in other areas of my life.  I prefer not to go through the storms, but God always uses them to mold and shape me into who He needs me to be.  It reminds me of a blog post I wrote a few years ago about how dark times are like a dark room.  You can read it by clicking here.  

If you've been around for a while, you also know that God speaks to me through music.  I recently heard "Walk in the Valley" by Ross King,  and it's a reminder that the storms drive me into a deeper grace.  Click on the song title and go have a listen.  I'm sure the song will bless you too.

Have faith in the storm, my friends.  The rainbow is on it's way.  

BUT, I love you

There was a Facebook post recently that questioned some mainstream thinking along theological lines.  There was some back and forth but it was this comment from an acquaintance that stuck in my gut,  "But I love people too much to allow them to believe lies that will cost them for an eternity.  Love tells the truth even when it's hard or hurts."  I have been wrestling with why it affected me so much.  I will do my best to put words to my feelings here.

There is not one Christian denomination that does not believe that God is LOVE.  You will hear it from every pulpit, regardless of doctrine or theology.  What I have found is that "love" means something different to each of them.  

Recently, "love" has looked like me being told that while the pastor loves my spirit and my heart for worship and prayer and that he loves that I sit in the front row and participate with my whole heart....and that I'm a blessing..... I will never be allowed to become a member of his church or serve in any official capacity.  

Recently, "love" has looked like being asked to leave a prayer group because it made the other members uncomfortable to pray with me now that it's obvious I don't believe the way they do.  It's not that I've stopped believing in Jesus, I've just stopped agreeing with all of the doctrines of the "church."  

Recently, "love" has looked like being told that - in the eyes of God- I will never be married.

This "love" has been extremely hurtful.  Every single person who has "loved" me in this way has gone out of their way to say, "BUT, I love you," which some how makes their actions seem okay in their eyes.  That kind of love feels nothing like the love that I feel from Jesus.

Love doesn't cast out.  Love doesn't push aside.  Love doesn't make others feel like less than.

Love is  patient
Love is kind
Love does not envy
Love does not boast
Love is not proud
Love does not dishonor others
Love is not self-seeking

Love is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth
Love protects
Love trusts
Love hopes
Love perseveres

If your actions and your attitude towards others don't line up with these things...it probably doesn't feel very loving to the person who is on the receiving end.

But Holly....we are sharing the truth "in love".  Here's the truth...the Bible is the LIVING word of God.  You can read a scripture in January that the Holy Spirit will use to speak right to where you are walking and then read the same scripture again in August and the Holy Spirit will use it to speak a different truth.  Same scripture - different truths.

The Bible was used for decades to justify slavery.  The Bible was then used for decades to justify banning interracial marriage.  The Bible is currently being used to justify the way homosexuals are being treated in society.

I have spent twenty years digging into scripture.  I have read numerous commentaries from those who are certain homosexuality is a sin and from those who are certain it isn't.  It is amazing how many different interpretations you can find on just one verse of scripture.   How do we know who is right and who is wrong?  We don't.  We must take it to the Holy Spirit who has been given to us, to guide and direct us on our walk.  We must pray for wisdom and discernment.  This is really all any of us can do.

What I struggle with is those who are 100% certain of their rightness--that their interpretation of the scripture is the only truth.  I am not 100% certain of my rightness and my beliefs have changed and grown.  God knows when I am ready to stretch Him outside of the box that I've put Him in.  I have found that those who are so certain can only come to the conclusion if I don't agree with them, that I am listening to the enemy...or my feelings...or my flesh...or my emotions...or "the world"...or Jen Hatmaker... and letting them dictate "truth" in my life.  It can't possibly be that I have diligently studied the scripture and come to a different conclusion than them.

But Holly....I love you too much to let you keep sinning without pointing out your sin.  I am glad that you love me and thank you for your concern.  You have pointed out that you think I'm sinning.  I don't believe it's sin.  Now, where do we go from here?   Can you treat me the way that you do every other sinner in your life....so basically...everyone?  Does agreeing to disagree have to lead to separation?   Even if you are right, why does my sin exclude me from basic rights and inclusion, when yours doesn't?

I have spent twenty years remaining silent.  I have played by "the rules."  I became someone that I wasn't in an attempt to "fit in" with the church.  I let pastors and mentors speak "truth" to me about who I had to be and how I had to act in order to be "right" with the Lord.  Anyone who knows my story knows that I have spent my life in worship, service, and obedience to the Lord.  My eyes are fixed squarely on Jesus, and last I heard....that was the key to my salvation.  God knows my heart and knows that I am doing my best to seek His will for my life...and share His love with the world.   I am a work in progress, and good Lord willing...I will be until the day that I die.