2021 Word for the Year

In early December, 2019, I started formulating a plan in my head for what I thought 2020 would look like.  I figured that Bree and I would settle into married life.  I would go see a doctor about my back and finally do something about this chronic pain.  I thought my company would finally get the new software out into the world.  I expected to knock a few more states off of the "places I've been" map.  I had high expectations.  By the time January 1, 2020 hit, I already knew that 2020 was going to look nothing like I had planned.

Here is the Cliff's notes version of how 2020 actually went.

Dec 22, 2019 - My mom had a horrifying car accident that should've taken her life.  Instead, it took her foot completely off her leg.  Helping Mom through five months of surgeries, physical therapy, and waiting for the bone to heal changed up how I thought I was going to start the year. However, I was right where I was supposed to be.

My first meeting with the surgeon's office proved that I definitely needed spine surgery but I was going to have to lose another 30 more pounds first.  Just another delay in surgery.  Good thing I had already gotten a jump start on my weight loss by then.

Covid locked down any potential of knocking states off the map.  Several trips had to be cancelled, including one I was excited about to finally knock some of the New England states off my list.

My company did a great job of keeping its head above water but we are still working to release our new software to the public.  Covid has been a blessing and a curse for us.

My marriage couldn't handle the stress of all that 2020 brought to it.  We spent months in prayer, and counseling.  We separated in September.  It isn't what I wanted but it's where God has us right now. The details are ours.  Please don't pry or ask or push, even out of sincere concern.  Please don't blow up our phone and inboxes and DMs (or our friends').  Just hold us close to your heart in great love and pray for us whenever we come to mind.  Bree and I still care very deeply for each other and we are trusting God for whatever the future holds for us.

I ended up having that spine surgery in September, and if anything COULD go wrong, it DID.  The surgery didn't quite go to plan as my hard bones didn't want to cooperate with the drill. I scored a back brace that I am still wearing today.  I finally got strong enough to go home, only to find myself back in the hospital, a week later, with a blood clot and staph infections of multiple varieties.   They finally got me stable enough to go home, only to find out just a bit later that I can now add Vancomycin to my known allergies list.

Whew....I know....2020 was A LOT!!!

As you can imagine, when the year was drawing to a close, I had quite a bit of reflecting to do about 2020.  The first thing I did was try to find the positives.

I started the year trying to eat healthy but having a surgeon tell you that your spine might fall of itself is a very motivation weight loss tool.  I ended the year 94lbs lighter.  Don't mind that steep jump there in September.  That's when I tried to die.

I believe that I had the best surgeon on the planet working on my spine.  The issues that Dr. Rhee ran into had nothing to do with his expertise.  It had everything to do with my anatomy.  He fought through every obstacle during surgery, and there were many.  He never gave up.  Even after a 3 1/2 hour surgery became an 8 hour surgery, he stuck with me.  His P.A. Tracy Wheeler has also been a straight up blessing to me.  She believed in me from the moment that we met.  She has been kind and compassionate, even when I've cried over having to be in this brace a little longer.

Dr. Somayaji, Infectious Disease, handled that bacteria like a boss.  She showed it no mercy.

Bree sat at the hospital for 8 grueling hours during my surgery, providing everyone else updates along the way, even when the updates weren't really easing her mind.  All throughout my recovery, Bree continued to show up.  God seemed to work it out that on every hard day, Bree was there.  When I struggled through my first shower at home. When I went in for a routine follow up and ended up being re-admitted.  When the original MRSA diagnosis came.  When the dark cloud of depression started closing in on me, she was the one sitting by my side, holding my hand, pointing me back to my faith in God.   Reminding me of all that God had brought me through already.

Mom showed up for me in big and small ways. Our relationship has grown stronger through all of the trials of the year.

I had friends and neighbors show up for me in 2020, in ways that I didn't even know was possible. Friends talking me through the best in skilled nursing facilities for Mom.  Friends driving a long way and paying for a hotel so that I could sit with them and cry.  Friends stopping their lives to come take care of me after surgery.  Friends sleeping upright next to me on the couch to make sure I didn't stop breathing in the middle of the night. Friends offering to help clean or prepare meals.  Neighbors raking up the leaves in my yard.  Friends providing me a retreat on their deck so that I could simply figure out how to breath again.  I  received thousands of texts of encouragement in 2020.  Not to mention the prayers.  Oh, how I know that I am only upright because of all of the prayers.

Speaking of prayers, that has been a huge change for me towards the end of 2020.  I read the book "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson.  It was exactly what I needed.  I have been praying circles since then.  My prayers have become more intentional and more focused.  

The biggest positive has to do with my relationship with God. Everything in 2020 was so uncertain that I had no choice but to rely on God to get me through.  He pulled me in so close to Him. When I was lonely, I turned to Him for comfort.  It's seems crazy, but in this year of so much hurt, I finally realized how much God loves me.  His love for me is something I've struggled with my entire life.  I recently came across a blog post I wrote in 2016 that talks about that struggle.  You can read it here.  

I left 2020 knowing that God could be trusted.  He truly loves me, even when His guidance and direction brings pain.  I have said to Him a million times, "God, I don't know what you are doing, but I trust you."  I know that whatever He is doing, is ultimately for my good, and His glory.  I know it...deep down on the inside of me.  

So....what does all of this have to do with my word for the year?  Every year, I try to take some time and ask God what He wants for me in the year ahead.  What word can I take into the New Year that will help me to stay focused on the road He would have me walk?  At first, I thought my word for 2021 was going to be "unshakeable".  I have been praying for several years for God to make me unshakable.  That when hard times hit, I will be unmoved.  I think He is still working on that but I kept getting the sense there was something else for me.  He did give me the word thrive so I continued to pray into that one.  I think He was showing me that thrive is to be a "lifetime" word and not a word of the year.  He made it clear that I have spent most of my life simply surviving.  He wants more for me.  He wants me to have a life that thrives.  

I felt another word stirring inside of me.  Yesterday, I went for a walk in a rose garden with God.  I needed His peace to fill me up.  As we walked, I talked to Him about my 2020 and asked Him to confirm the word that I thought He was showing me.  I kept walking, and my Spotify shuffled onto "Gracefully Broken" by Tasha Cobbs Leonard. At the beginning of the song, she is talking.  She talks about how when God breaks you, He doesn't hurt you...He doesn't destroy you.  He does it with grace.  When I heard those words, I thought back to 2020 and all of the breaking that was done so gracefully.  So much of it could've, and maybe should've, destroyed me.   She kept singing and the words "Here I am, God - arms wide open" came out of her mouth.  Anyone walking by would have wondered who that crazy lady was who was sobbing in the rose garden with her arms in the air.  The more she sang, the more confirmation came.  My word for 2021 was "surrender."  Since God is so good, and He wanted me to be sure, He made sure the next song to shuffle through was "My Life is in Your Hands" by Kirk Franklin.  When it started, I simply laughed out loud and said, "I got it, God."

I've had this bad habit lately of praying for what I want, justifying it with James 4:2 which says, "You have not, because you ask not."  However, God showed me that I was trying to control Him with my prayers.  I would pray things like, "make this person read this scripture and make it convict them." or "God, bring money into our company in this way."  God has asked me to surrender those types of prayers.  It is okay for me to pray for someone to be healed, or for provision for our company, or for my marriage to be restored.  It is not okay for me to tell God how to go about doing it.  I need to release control (as if I have any anyway).

That is what God is asking of me in 2021.  To abandon myself.   To continue to stay ever so close to Him.  To listen to His direction and guidance for every single step.  To rely on Him for the strength to move forward every day.  To seek comfort from Him when I'm overwhelmed. He knows the wants and desires of my heart.  He is asking me to surrender my thoughts, hopes, and ideas of how He should go about making those wants and desires come true. 

What is God asking of you in 2021?  I would love to hear about it and pray with you for His will to be accomplished.

Praying in the Hallway

In 2 Kings Chapter 4 there is a story of Elisha taking a trip to Shunem.  There was a super nice lady that lived there who urged him to stay for a meal.  Elisha made it a point that, whenever he travelled to Shunem, he stopped by to eat.   The Shunammite woman recognized that Elisha was a holy man. She talked to her husband about making a room for him, so that he would have some place to stay when he came for a visit.

Elisha was so grateful for her hospitality that he asked her what he could do for her.  She was like, "Nah...I'm good."  So Elisha asked his servant and he explained that the Shunammite's husband was old and she had no son.  So Elisha told her that at the same time next year, she would hold a son in her arms.  She was like, "Nope, don't you lie to me if it's not going to happen."  Sure enough, she became pregnant and a year later she gave birth to a son.

One day her son was out working in the field with his dad and his head started to hurt.  Dad was like, "Take him to his mom."  The boy sat on her lap and died.  She took him up and laid his lifeless body on the bed in Elisha's room.  She immediately called for a donkey so she could go see Elisha.  I'm sure she had plenty she wanted to say to him. When he saw her coming, Elisha sent his servant to ask if she was alright.  She said, "Everything is alright."  At first, I was trying to figure out why she told him she was alright when it was clear that she wasn't.  Then I realized that I don't always tell everyone when I'm not alright.  (Also, I'm alright-ish)

Anywho...when she got to Elisha, she gave him a little 'what for'.  "Did I ask you to give me a son? Didn't I tell you not to let me get my hopes up???"  Oh, how I feel her emotion.  She never asked for a son but this man of God had given her one.  She had asked him not to get her hopes up.  This sounds like a woman who was used to being hurt.  She was used to being  let down.  She had learned not to get too attached to anything that sounded too good to be true.  When she became pregnant and had her son, she must've thought...finally.  Finally, it's my turn to have some joy in my life.  It's my turn for things to work out,  Then...the unthinkable happens.    Her precious son, a gift from the Lord, dies on her lap.  I can feel the heartbreak.

Elisha tried to send his servant to go heal the boy but the Shunammite woman wasn't having it.  She said, "I'm not leaving."  So, Elisha got up and went with her.  When Elisha got to her house, he saw the boy lying dead.  He went into the room where the boy was and SHUT THE DOOR.  He left that poor woman standing out in the hallway.  Can you imagine?  She had no idea what was happening on the other side of the door.  She didn't know what this man of God was doing.  Her precious son was dead and she was left all alone...to wait.

There are several situations that have happened in 2020 that have me feeling the way that I imagine the Shunnamite woman must have felt.  I started off shaking my fist at God asking Him, "Didn't I tell you not to let me get my hopes up?"  I hope you all know that God can handle it when you shake your fist at Him.  God has met me right in the midst of my hurt and frustration.  He has walked right into the middle of these situations and shut the door behind Him.  God is fully capable of revealing His plan to me.  He could show me how He is going to work things out for my good and His glory.   He has chosen not to.  He is asking me to trust Him, even when I cannot see.  He is asking me to pray, fervently, during my time in the hallway.  He is using my time in the hallway, not just to change the situations, but to change me.  

God has been faithful enough to crack the door open from time to time, so that I can get the tiniest glimpse of the work that He is doing on the other side of the door.  He whispered to me this morning that I only have eyes to see through the crack in the door because of my closeness to Him.  

Does God have you in the hallway?  Has He shut the door in your face while He works out things on the other side?  I have some good news for you.  Elisha brought back to life what was on the other side of the door. Had the woman been watching, the way Elisha went about it wouldn't have made any sense.  Sometimes the way God goes about working in our lives doesn't make sense either, but He promises that it will always be for our good.  

Trust Him...and while you wait...pray in the hallway.

Let Peace Set the Pace

Life is hard right now.  So many things in my life feel upside down.  There is so much uncertainty for the future and I have been struggling.   Back in early September, a pastor had a Word for me and that Word has served me well.  He said, "God is showing me that there is a peace in you that He is wanting to be your rhythm.  Let peace be your pace, let peace be your state."  I have come back to that Word over and over again.  When I first heard it, I summarized it into, "Let peace be the rhythm, let peace set the pace."  

God has been working on me since last December to take things one day at a time.  When I start thinking too far ahead, the peace disappears.  The truth is that I really have no idea what the future holds.  We can guess; we can hope; we can plan, but none of us really know.  I can bet that no one predicted the dumpster fire that 2020 turned into. I remember that God is asking me to take things one day at a time, and the peace returns.

When I start trying to do things on my own, or to take matters into my own hands, I start to lose my peace.  I am a person who is used to taking charge.  When situations come up, I handle them.  I think that I know best what to do.  Yet, I have no peace.  God nudges me and say, "Let Me Do It," which is a blog post for another day. When I surrender control back to Him, the peace returns.

Several years ago, a holistic doctor taught me how to "listen" to my body when it came to how my body reacted to food.  If I pay close attention, I can determine which foods make my body hurt and which foods give my body energy.  It has taken a lot of practice, but I've really started to figure this body out.  

God is showing me, now, that if I listen my spiritual body, it will also tell me how it's doing.  When I start to feel the peace slipping away, and anxiety and unsettledness slipping in, I am learning to pause and try to figure out what I'm trying to do in my own power.  Am I trying to analyze every input to try to determine the future?  Am I worrying about things I have no control over?  Am I letting the enemy lie to me?  When these things happen, I turn my eyes to Jesus, I remember His promises to me, and I surrender it all to Him again, and again, and again.  It takes practice.  It's hard.  It's worth it.  

Think about your own life in this current season.  Are you letting peace set the pace?  Ask God to show you what areas you need to surrender to Him so that He can keep you centered in His perfect peace. 

Of course, there is a song that has been speaking to me in this season.  It's called Missing Peace by JJ Heller.  Have a listen, it will remind you that no matter what you are facing, He is your missing peace.

He Sees Around the Corner

 As part of the healing process for my spine, I am supposed to walk as much as I can tolerate.  As part of the healing process for the emotional upheaval that 2020 has brought me, I walk as much as I can tolerate.   We have been blessed with some beautiful weather in Kansas City, considering that it's November.  In light of that, I have been taking every opportunity to walk outside.  

When I walk, I put in my headphones and turn on some sort of worship music in my ear.  I saw a post on Instagram the other day that said, "I like my Jesus music at a volume where I can't hear the enemy."  It was funny because it's true.  While the loud music drowns out the enemy, God can still whisper straight to my heart.  Funny how that works.

On one recent day, I was walking and talking to God about all the uncertainty in my life.  Nothing that 2020 has brought me makes any sense.  I keep saying to Him, "God, I don't know what you are doing, but I trust You."  I do trust Him.  For the first time in my life, I truly trust that whatever He is doing, is for my good, and His glory.   As I was walking, and asking for answers, I saw this path ahead of me.

God gently whispered, "You can't see around the corner from here, but I can. You just have to trust that what's around the corner is exactly what you need for now."   It reminded me of all of the analogies I've heard over the years about how God sees the whole movie or the whole parade. It was a great reminder that God knows what's next.  It isn't a surprise to Him.  I was feeling God's peace until I got around that corner and saw this...

Then I was like, "You're funny God.  This is how my life always goes.  I feel like you tell me to just be patient, that answers will come when I get around the next corner, but it seems like every time I come around the corner.....there is just another corner that I can't see around."  God ever so gingerly whispered into my spirit, "It's because I am teaching you to trust me through every twist and turn.  No matter what comes, I know what lies ahead."  

I kept praying and walking and praising and walking.  I am so thankful for all that God has brought me through.  I am so grateful that He has been so close to me this year.  He is changing my mindset and changing my prayers...and changing me in the process.  As I rounded the last corner of the trail, I saw this sight...and I laughed.  

I didn't even wait for God to whisper to me.  I just looked up at the sky, laughed, and said, "I know God...when the path You have me on doesn't even look like a clear path exists....trust You in those times too."  

I can't close out a blog post without a song...okay...I could...but why would I want to.  This song has been on a regular rotation for close to 10 years.  So you'll see, the recent lesson on the trail wasn't a new one for me.  I just need a reminder.  From this One Place by Sara Groves

Storms Never Stop But Neither Do Rainbows

 2020 has been incredibly hard for so many people that I love.  There has been so much loss, so much grief, so much anxiety, so many challenges, so many questions, way too many storms.  I haven't been spared either.  2020 has been harder on me than any other year I've ever faced, including 1998 which, up until now, held the record for hardest year ever.

This year has been a year of storms for me.  Some I've been very public about and some I've held close to my chest.  Anyone who follows me on Facebook knows that my mom had a horrible car accident in December which resulted in my entire life being turned upside down for five months while she was bedridden.  As soon as I got her settled, the process of getting my back fixed began.  I had to lose 25lbs in order to even speak to the surgeon about doing a surgery that I so desperately needed.  If you think being told that you have to lose weight isn't a storm, then you obviously have never had to give up queso for months.  So many of you prayed me through surgery, and all of the complications that came with it.  I wasn't prepared for a shattered vertebrae, a leg that was dead with no feeling, smaller screws, and a back brace.  I definitely wasn't prepared for the blood clot and blood infection that came just two weeks later.  None of this was made any easier by Covid.  

What an incredibly difficult year, for me, and for so many others.  I want to share what kept going through my head during those difficult days in the hospital.  It was something I heard on a show. When I heard it, I paused the screen and rewound it to make sure I heard it correctly.  A lady turned to her friend and asked, "Do the storms ever stop coming?" Her friend looked up at her and said, "No, but neither do the rainbows."   I was smack dab in the middle of a huge storm in my life and those words hit me to my very core.  

I realized the truth of those words.  I thought back to all of the storms I've faced in my life, and there have been plenty.  God was always right there.  He walked me through them, even when I couldn't see Him, or couldn't feel Him.  When I looked back, I could see His fingerprints all over the things that had happened in the midst of those storms.  

When we are in the middle of the storm, all we can see is the chaos swirling around us.  All we can feel are the stirred up emotions.  All we can hear is the wind whipping around us, threatening to knock us completely off of our feet.  In the midst of the storm....we often can't see Him.  Things are too dark and stormy.  I think in the middle of those storms, the enemy sends his minions to distort our thoughts.  The enemy uses those storms to try to convince us that if God truly loved us, He wouldn't let us suffer this way.  I know that I've been a victim of this thinking, but not anymore.  God has sealed the truth of His love for me down deep inside my heart.    

If you are currently in the middle of a storm, I want to encourage you.  This storm will pass.  The wind and the rain will die down and if you look up, you will see the rainbow that always comes after the storm.  Storms don't last forever.

I held tightly to this truth while my body worked to fight off the infection that was trying to kill me.  I hold tightly to it now, while God is working in other areas of my life.  I prefer not to go through the storms, but God always uses them to mold and shape me into who He needs me to be.  It reminds me of a blog post I wrote a few years ago about how dark times are like a dark room.  You can read it by clicking here.  

If you've been around for a while, you also know that God speaks to me through music.  I recently heard "Walk in the Valley" by Ross King,  and it's a reminder that the storms drive me into a deeper grace.  Click on the song title and go have a listen.  I'm sure the song will bless you too.

Have faith in the storm, my friends.  The rainbow is on it's way.