Just Keep Walking

I have been struggling for years.  I never could quite put my finger on it...but the struggle was real. There has always been an emptiness in me that I couldn't quite understand.  A huge gaping hole in my soul.  I tried to fill it for years with a great number of things.  I tried to fill it with alcohol, I tried to fill it with relationships, I tried to fill it with food, I tried to fill it with work, I tried to fill it with friendships, I even tried to fill it with Jesus.  I find myself at 41 years old, still dealing with this huge gaping hole in my soul.  

I have only begun to find the ability to put words to it in the last two months.  I just always felt it there.  Not quite knowing why it hurt so bad or why the ache of it wouldn't go away.  The huge gaping hole in my heart is where God's love for me belongs.  I've just never felt it.  I want to believe that He loves me.  I know what all of the scripture says about His great love for me.  I love Him with all of me.  Oh how I love Him.  My heart's desire is to share His love with the world...but I also want to feel it right here in my heart.  

I laid in bed one night a few weeks ago.  I cried out to God and asked Him to show me how to find His love for me.  I asked Him to lead me to the right friend, or the right podcast, or the right scripture, or the right song, or the right anything...that would help me feel His love. 

The next morning, I was listening to a weekly devotional from Bianca Olthoff and she was talking about Joshua and the battle of Jericho.  She was talking about how the attack plan for this battle wasn't armory, wasn't more men, wasn't an attack at all...it was simply to walk around the walls.  In that moment, I felt like the Lord said to me, "Holly, you can't attack this the way that you've attacked other things in your life.  There is nothing you can do. You simply have to walk and trust me."  It was that simple, and that incredibly difficult.   A few weeks later, I was on a 7 1/2 mile hike through the wilderness, listening to worship music, praising His name and that's when it occurred to me that He is also meant that I was supposed to walk....like physically...like get off my butt and walk. Spend some time in the quiet with Him.  That simple, and that incredibly difficult.

Tonight, I was thinking about how I've always had to work hard for what I wanted.  God said to me, "Not this time.  There is no work necessary on your part.  I give my love freely to you, you just have to let it in.  You just have to be willing to let down that massive wall that you put between Me and that heart of yours.  Walk...and the wall will fall.  Just stay the course."

I am believing that today friends.  I am believing that if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, that huge gaping hole will be filled by His incredible love for me.  The love that I've read so much about.  The love that I can so easily explain to others.  The love that I so desperately need to feel. 

I am also believing that I am not the only God loving person who feels this way.  God has asked me to let down the mask, and to be transparent as I walk this out.  Obedience above all else.  If there is even a part of you that struggles with feeling His love, will you walk this out with me?  

We Can't See It Because It Isn't Us

My grandma passed away recently.  As I was making the 1200 mile drive to her house, I had a mix of emotions.  I knew that Grandma was ready to go and while I was happy that Grandma was no longer suffering, I was dreading the task ahead of me.  I knew that I was about to walk into the middle of some high drama.  To say that my mom and her brother have never gotten along would be an understatement.

You see, there's always been this thing in our family between the boys and the girls.  My grandma clearly thought that boys were superior to girls.  It was very obvious to me as a child and it became more obvious to me the older I became.  My grandma treated my uncle like he had hung the moon. She treated my Mom like she had the plague.  My uncle's son was treated better than my Mom's sons...just because he was the male child of the male child.  Now...my uncle and my cousin will swear to you that they were never treated any differently.

As I was travelling across the miles, I kept wondering how my uncle and cousin could be so blind to what was happening.  I was wondering how they could go through life and pretend like the female members of the family weren't treated like "less than" for our entire lives.  Did my cousin not see the times that he got to go out in my grandpa's fishing boat all alone while I was up in the house being taught how to "walk like a girl"?  Did they not see that the girls were always told to clean the house and do the dishes while the boys were outside playing with their "toys"?  Did they not understand that when my grandpa died, they got trucks, tractors, tools, and guns and my mom got her dad's driver's license?  I was pondering all of those things when it finally occurred to me why they didn't understand.  They could never see it,  because it wasn't happening to them.  The girls were the ones feeling the pain.  The girls were the ones feeling slighted.  The girls were the ones who felt like things were unfair.  The girls were the ones who had to stop talking when the boys walked into the room with something to say.

When I finally got to my grandma's house, I tried to have a discussion with my cousin to help him see that maybe his perspective on things was a little off.  That maybe my mom wasn't being greedy...she was just demanding for things to be fair.  Try as I might, I couldn't convince him....and I realized that I never would.  The injustice wasn't happening to him.

I remember standing on the front porch of the house that my grandpa built, thinking about this new realization.  I thought growing up that the boys were just jerks, but I realized that they had simply lived life through a different filter.  Let me be clear, I think my uncle is just a jerk but I think my cousin just never understood the favor that he was receiving.

So anyway, I was standing there thinking about the boys seeing life through their filter and as clear as day, God showed me that this is also what is happening with white privilege in our country.  We see people who don't share our skin color shouting from the rooftops that they want to be treated fairly but try as they might, they can't convince us...because the type of injustice that they are suffering isn't happening to us.

Since then, I've had the same realization about all of the injustice that is happening in the world. When we see injustice, we need to stop wearing our privileged filter and start seeing things as they truly are for the people who are suffering the injustice.  How would I feel if I got pulled over simply because I had blue eyes?  How would I feel if I didn't have clean drinking water simply because of the country I was born in?  How would I feel if I knew a cop was more likely to pull the trigger because I had blonde hair?

Just because a particular injustice isn't happening to you, doesn't mean it isn't happening.

When Our Dark Times are only a Dark Room

I was reflecting yesterday over some notes in my journal.  When I am reading a good non-fiction or listening to a great sermon, I am learning to keep my journal nearby.  That way, when a concept hits me that I had never considered before, I can write it down and think it over later.

While Robert Morris was talking about how the breaking of the bread turns not enough into more than enough, he also mentioned that some times our dark times are only a dark room.  When a photographer is developing film the old fashioned way (not the Walgreen's photo way),  he doesn't stand in a well lit room full of sunshine and light.  He goes into a dark room.  If the person developing the film isn't completely in the dark, the film gets a little foggy.  In order for the image to be burned in just right, the film has to remain in the dark.  Robert Morris went on to say that sometimes God has to take us to the dark room in order for HIS image to be burned into us just right.

When I heard this, I thought back to the seasons of darkness in my life.  I think about how almost every time I come out of one of those seasons, I can more clearly see God's will for me.  Sometimes those dark seasons come when God has asked me to do really hard things like forgive my Dad.  The emotions of it all became too much, but while I was in the darkness, God was burning in His image of Father in my heart.  Sometimes those dark seasons come when God needs to teach me something.  He knows me, He knows that I draw nearer to Him in the darkness.  He knows that I will scream in the darkness, "LORD, SHOW ME WHAT I SHOULD BE LEARNING HERE BECAUSE I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE."  I come out on the other side of the darkness with a much clearer picture of who God wants me to be.  I've found that often I have had to enter a season of darkness before I could clearly see any glimpse of the purpose behind God asking me to do a hard thing. Look back on the times you've felt like you were in the dark.  Did you come out with a clearer image?

If you are walking through darkness at the moment, let me encourage you.  A photo has no worth if it stays in the dark forever.  There will come a day when the developer pulls you out of the darkness and shows the world the beautiful image that was created in the process.

Breaking Bread

While I was back home in Kansas City, I had the opportunity to attend several weeks of bible study at my old church.  If you live in KC and are free on Thursday mornings, you should really get yourself to this bible study.  Shoot me a message if you need more details :)

The last week I was there, we were talking about the period of time right after Jesus' resurrection when the two disciples were walking along the road to Emmaus.  Jesus was walking with them but they were blinded and couldn't see that it was Jesus.  The disciples urged this "stranger" to stay with them for the evening.  While Jesus was at the table with them, he took the bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them.  As soon as the bread was broken, their eyes were opened and they recognized that it was Jesus who had been walking with them all along.  My friend Debi pointed out that we are much the same way.  When the "breaking" happens, we tend to see Jesus a little more clearly.  Perhaps we seek Him out more in the hard times.  We want to draw near to Him because we know Jesus is our only hope.  You know...only she said it much better than that :).

This concept of breaking bread reminded me of a sermon I had heard from Robert Morris.  He was talking about the famous story of the five loaves and the two fishes.  He pointed out that when Jesus was handed those five loaves, He gave thanks and broke the loaves.  It was in the breaking that not enough became more than enough.  When I first heard this sermon, I was just getting ready for my spine surgery.  I had been notified that I wouldn't have a job when I returned from surgery.  We had recently made the decision to put our dog to sleep.  I wrote in my journal, "What in the world is our mighty God going to do with all of the breaking that is happening in my life?  Just like the little boy who gave up his lunch, I want to willingly offer the little I have so that God can break it and multiply it for the good of His people."

In John 6:12, Jesus said,  "...Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted."  That has been my focus.  God will not allow one thing that I have gone through to be wasted.  He will use every ounce of it, as long as I surrender it to Him.  I can't hold on to the broken pieces and refuse to give them back.  I can't hold on to that little piece of bitterness, or those many crumbs of anger that I felt during the breaking.  I can't hold on to the big chunks of would've, could've, should've beens.  I have to hand every single bit of it back to the one who allowed the breaking.  If I don't give it back to Him, it was wasted.

I know quite a few people in my life who are experiencing some "breaking" in their lives.  Allow that breaking to open your eyes to the fact that Jesus has been walking beside you all along..and He still is..and He always will.  Allow God to use the breaking to turn not enough, into more than enough. Surrender the broken pieces.  Let nothing that you are going through be wasted.

And since I'm me, and ya'll know how I am, a song keeps coming to mind.  "Nothing is Wasted" by Jason Gray.  You can listen to it here.  While I'm at it, he has a new Album that just came out called "Where The Light Gets In".  There are no words for how much I love this album including the title track, "The Wound Is Where the Light Gets In".  Good Good stuff!!

Let's Make Him Relevant

When I was a hot broken mess trying to survive life on this earth, a lot of well meaning Christians tried to share the gospel with me.  The one common thread among all that approached me was this question, "Don't you want to live forever?"  They would go on to tell me about how Jesus is the answer to eternal life.  As I mentioned in a previous post, they would tell me that if I walked away from my sinful life, I would have everlasting life.  I think that is a lovely thought.  I think that it might even work to draw some people to Jesus.  In the corporate world, or really all of my worlds, I have heard the phrase, "know your audience."  The same can be said for how we share the hope of Jesus.

The message of eternal life may only be relevant to those who are afraid of dying.  We need to make Jesus more relevant than just eternal life.  Jesus is relevant today.  The relationship that He wants to have with us TODAY is relevant.  He is relevant in ALL things.  We need to make sure that we aren't just making Him relevant in death.

People who are hurting or broken need to understand that Jesus loves them. Right Now!  Today!  They need to know that He is the healer.  He wants nothing more than to fill up the hole that is in their life.  They one they have been trying to fill up with everything but Jesus and can't figure out why it isn't working.  When I was the one hurting and broken, trying everything but Jesus, the thought of eternal life made me want to cry.  I barely had the will to get through next day.  The last thing I wanted to think about was having to deal with my life FOREVER.  I didn't understand that the forever life they were talking about was one full of love, hope, faith, and a Father who loved me unconditionally.    

Let us make sure that we are sharing how Jesus is working in our lives today.  Let's make Him relevant.

Pray For Real Upon Your Knees - Until They Blister

So my friend Mandy shared a song with me the other day and it wrecked me. It was so convicting and spoke to so many things that God was already putting on my heart.  It was so good,  that I thought I would write a blog post about it.  The song is called "Clear The Stage" by Jimmy Needham.  You can listen to it by clicking here.

There is a verse in the song that reads:

Take a break from all the plans that you have made
And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper
Beg him please to open up His mouth and speak
And pray for real upon your knees until they blister.

I think about the things that God is putting on my heart.  I have been praying and seeking direction from Him on what the next steps in my career/life look like.  I talk to Him in the morning while I'm drinking my coffee and playing Hay Day.  I talk to Him while I'm driving in my car.  I talk to Him while I'm watching TV.  I talk to Him while I'm scrolling through Facebook. I know the power of prayer. I know that we should pray without ceasing.  I have been so frustrated because I feel like I'm not hearing Him.  He is giving me little bits and pieces but I desperately want clarity and confirmation.

God spoke to my heart today and asked me when the last time was, that I made room in my life for only Him.  No distractions!!  No TV, radio, computer, dogs, people...just HIM.  When was the last time I prayed for real upon my knees??  I want so desperately to hear Him but I refuse to stop and listen.  Why??  Am I afraid of what He might ask of me?  Am I afraid that this next thing might be harder than the last thing?  The last time He gave me the clarity that I so desperately seek, wasn't easy.  Picking up everything I owned, and leaving those that I love most for a job that was soul-crushing wasn't what I had in mind when He said go.  What if next time, He asks me to do something even harder?

What if He doesn't?

What if the hard times that He has had me walking through, for what seems like forever, has all been preparing me for such a time as this?  What if His plans are to give me the desires of my heart? There is another line in the song that says, "Anything that I put, before my God, is an idol."  The FEAR that I am allowing in my life and putting above hearing from Him is an idol.  So I am putting it out in the open...and letting His light shine on it.  Now, I'm off to pray, for real, upon my knees.

He Can Never Love Me More

I  heard numerous times in my life that nothing I could ever do could make Jesus love me less.  It took me a long time to receive that truth in my heart.  I was always striving to be all that I believed God wanted me to be and more.  Since I was the one doing the striving, instead of letting God shape and mold me into who He wanted me to be, I often got it completely wrong.  God has had to correct my path on more than one occasion.

So, the lesson is to quit trying to do things under your own power, even if they look like something God would want you to be doing.  Ask Him what He would have you do and then take a step in that direction.

Having said that, I wanted to share something I read recently.  I don't remember which book, as I've had a lot of down time to read, but it was so good that I've been mulling it over for quite some time.  If there is nothing I could do that would make God love me less, wouldn't it also be true that there is nothing that I could do that would make Him love me more?  That is such a freeing thought to have.

I seek God's will in my life and pray for His guidance and direction.  When I feel like I've heard Him, I will start taking steps in the direction He has guided me.  Then, fear sets in.  I will start doubting that I am doing "it" right or doubting that the actions I am taking even matter.  I want so desperately to please God with my actions that I let the fear of screwing it up get in the way of doing it.  If I can remember that God won't love me any more if I get it right, I release myself from the fear of getting it wrong.  I don't have to try so hard.  I don't have worry if I am enough.  I simply get to rest in His love for me and trust in His promises. That doesn't mean that I don't have to keep seeking, and praying, and moving, and stretching, and growing.  I just don't have to strive for more of His love.

May we be those who are obedient to do what God has asked of us because we love Him, not so He will love us more.

We ALL Need A Love Like That

I have become a huge fan of Jen Hatmaker over the last several years.  She is one of the most caring, authentic, and sincere people when it comes to writing and speaking about Jesus.  The first video I ever watched was from the first If Gathering.  She was talking about Christians treating the gospel as something to defend and it resonated with me.    Her and her husband started the Legacy Collective which I am proud to invest in.  We focus on funding initiatives that partner with others who are providing sustainable solutions to systemic social issues.  I'll write more about Legacy Collective soon.  I had the opportunity to meet both of them at the Legacy Collective launch party and I was impressed with how gracious they both were.  My point is that Jen Hatmaker is a person of influence who is using her influence to make a tangible difference.

Jen recently wrote a post on her Facebook wall about an experience that she had after speaking at an event.  The woman had said she had waited her whole life to hear someone in the church say the words that Jen had spoken.  Jen said, "One thing I said was that it is high time Christians opened wide their arms, wide their churches, wide their tables, wide their homes to the LGBT community. So great has our condemnation and exclusion been, that gay Christian teens are SEVEN TIMES more likely to commit suicide."  Jen went on to say, "Nope. No. No ma'am. Not on my watch. No more. This is so far outside the gospel of Jesus that I don't even recognize its reflection. I can't. I won't. I refuse."

I finished reading Jen's post and then continued to read the comments of others..  As of right now there are 1,758 comments on this particular post.  I found  that I was getting extremely upset at some of the comments.  I think part of the reason why is because the writers of some of those comments must have always known Jesus or have forgotten what life was like before Him.  

I think the reason that everyone's comments are making me so upset is because I remember my life before Jesus.  I remember when I thought I was all alone in this world.  I remember when everyone was telling me about all of the sins I was committing and all of the repenting that I needed to be doing.  I remember how it made me feel like I was under attack and how I was considered "less than" the Christian doing the talking.  One particular comment on Jen's post hit me hard.  It said, "...We are all sinners who need Jesus, but we must first repent or confess, then turn away and lead a life of righteousness."   Listen friends...if I would've had to repent and confess before I could've known the love of Jesus...I would be dead by now.  It is the "BUT WE MUST FIRST" in the comment that is so heart breaking to me.  There is no "BUT YOU MUST FIRST" before Jesus will love you.  There is no "BUT YOU MUST FIRST" before you can commit your life to God. Trust me, once you know the love of Jesus, it will change you for the better.  God will ask you to give up things that keep you away from Him, but you will be so head over heels in love with Him that you will surrender what He asks.  He asks different things from different people as each of us have our own things that keep us from Him.  

I used to wear a t-shirt that said "Religion never saved anyone" on the front.  I can't tell you how many people would stop me in a store to attempt to argue with me.  They would screw their face all up and get angry and just as they were about to start telling me all the reasons I was wrong, I would turn my back to them.  The back of my shirt said, "Jesus Saves".  They really couldn't argue with that.  I didn't buy the shirt to cause any issues, I just really believed in its message.  "Religion" almost kept me away from Jesus.  

I remember all of the people who were pointing out what they perceived to be my sins instead of pointing me to Jesus.  Had I known that a personal, intimate relationship with Jesus was possible - I sure would have run to Him much faster - not because I needed to be absolved of my sin, but because I needed to be loved like that. As I mentioned in a previous post, God works out salvation in each person differently.  Let us be those who are known for drawing people nearer to Jesus and not pushing them farther away.  

Just Enough to Keep Going

First of all.....I GOT MY BLOG BACK!!   I am so happy, I can hardly stand it.  There were things about the other blog that I really liked but one thing I didn't like was that people couldn't just sign up to get an email whenever I posted.  I will try to move the things I wrote on the new platform back over here so if you get bombarded with e-mails, I'm sorry (not sorry).  A huge thanks to a friend who went above and beyond to help me get my access back.  He knows who he is.

I just returned from an amazing week on the beach.  We were blessed to rent a condo last year and went ahead and booked it again for the same week this year.  When life is crazy and everything seems to be uncertain, there is something soul healing about having a no-agenda vacation with just God and the waves.  The first day was pretty frustrating as we walked along the beach.  I would see beautiful shells but couldn't bend down to pick them up.  I am still on no bending, twisting, or lifting restriction for another month or so.  Leanna got me hooked up on day two and made sure that I had my shell scoop with me at all times.  She also willingly carried the beach bag, chairs, umbrella, and everything else that was needed for our days in the sun.

As I am still recovering from spine surgery, I would get worn out pretty easily.  There was one moment where I had been shell hunting in one particular spot for a while.  We were looking for one particular type of spiral shell and we weren't finding them very fast.  I was getting tired and kept thinking about quitting and going to sit down but every time I would start thinking this way, I would find a few spirals in my scoop.  I would pull the spirals out of the scoop full of broken shells and then put my scoop back in for more.  I would then go on a stretch of not finding any.  As soon as I felt like giving up again, more spirals would appear.  I thought to myself, these spiral shells keep coming just when I have decided to go sit down.  In that moment, I could hear the Lord whisper to my spirit, "And so it shall be with Me too."  He made it clear to me that no matter what He calls me to do - no matter how tired or frustrated I become- He will give me just enough to keep going.  I just have to be willing to keep dipping into the Water.

I don't know about you but I have a history of pulling away from God when things start getting rough. I get caught up in the emotion and stress of it all.  Don't get me wrong, I know that He is the source of all that I need but I start to lose faith.  If I'm honest, I start to think that I'm not worthy of Him.   I don't spend as much time in that frame of mind as I used to as I've learned that this is exactly what the devil wants.  He wants me to get caught up in the circumstances of my life.  The devil doesn't want me spending time in the Word, or spending time in prayer.  He doesn't want my spirit to be reminded of all that God promises for my life.

When we are exhausted and frustrated, may we be those who will continue to keep dipping into the Living Water who will refresh our soul and give us just enough hope to keep going.

He Works Differently in All of Us

In a book I've been reading, the author recalls the experience of the first bible study that he ever attended.  Both of his parents were gay and his only exposure to Christians were those on the street corner condemning his family.  He decided that he was going to start going to church so he could learn about Christians in order to have more knowledge to fight against them.  Along the way, God captured his heart.

He was invited to his first bible study by someone at the church.  He recalls how "green" he was.  The leader asked them to open their bibles to 1 Corinthians and some how he managed to land on 1 Chronicles.  As the leader started reading, the author quickly realized that he was in the wrong place. Then the leader asked each member to take a verse and read it aloud.  He was scared to admit that he thought he had the wrong version of bible or something.  When he finally admitted that something was wrong, some in the group tried to be helpful, while others were frustrated and/or made fun of him.  The point of him sharing the story in the book was that we as Christians need to remember that not everyone is on the same page or at the same place in their walk.  

It reminded me of a Vacation Bible School (VBS) that I was sent to when I was younger.  I was probably eleven or twelve.  I just remember being in the oldest VBS class.  At first, I thought it was some kind of punishment for something I had done wrong.  I didn't know why I had to go be "watched over" when I could've been at home watching old Leave It To Beaver re-runs on tv.  It really turned out to be pretty fun though.  I especially liked snack time and playing softball.  There was a moment though that has stuck with me over the years.  Considering that I hit the fourth floor in age last year, that's a lot of years.

 The VBS wasn't all fun and games, there was one part of the rotation where they talked to us about the bible.  The leader of that group started out by asking us to introduce ourselves.  She wanted us to state our names and tell her when we were saved.  To this day, I can almost feel the overwhelming panic that started to rise up in me.  I didn't really know what being saved meant.  She started at the front of the room.  Lucky for me I always hung out in the back.  I was hoping that I would figure out what being saved meant before she got to me.  One by one, each kid stated their name and then said what month and year they were saved.  Slowly, the teacher crept ever closer to me.  By then, I switched my thinking from trying to figure out what being saved meant to trying to figure out what lie would make the most sense.  I wasn't about to be the outsider who either admitted that she didn't know what being saved meant or who hadn't been saved at all.  I started trying to find a month and year somewhere close, but different, to what others were saying. When I got to me, I stated my name and rattled off my saving date.  I was so utterly relieved when she went on to the next person and didn't call me out on the lie.  

As I mentioned, that incident stuck with me for years.  I was "saved" in 1998.  As I began to get more involved in ministry at my church, I always tried to remember that moment.  I tried to be aware of people who were not only new to our specific church but new to this whole way of life.  I also tried to remember that experience at VBS,  when someone was struggling in a particular area of their life.  My pastor was famous for saying that God works out salvation in each of us in different ways.  We can never expect that the path God is using in our life to draw us closer to Him is the same path He is using for everyone.  I used to be a smoker. I remember a co-worker asking me how I could stand on the smoke dock at work and talk about Jesus.  I knew that my body was a temple and that smoking was not good for me but God knew that there were more pressing issues in my spirit that needed to be dealt with first.   God will never pull us along the path He has for us, faster than our ability to follow Him.

May we be those who remember that we are all in different places in our walk and may we have grace for each other.

When You Shouldn't Listen

I was mentioning in yesterday's post about how God has used different people to speak truth into my life.  I was contemplating yesterday morning about how God has me in a season of Winter.  Then I thought about my dear friend who gave me that word straight from the Lord.  Of course, then I started thinking about times God has had someone speak right to where I was standing.  

As I was pondering these handful of people that God has used, I thought about HOW I knew that what they were telling me was from God.  I caution folks all the time to be careful about who they are listening to.  I can't begin to count how many times someone has come up to me and said, "The Lord told me to tell you that you should  (fill in the blank)."  My immediate gut reaction to those people is, "No He didn't."  Maybe I am wrong, but I don't believe God will ever use someone else to tell me which choice to make or how to think or what to believe.  I think God uses people in my life to confirm something that He has already been telling me or to point me in a direction of prayer.  

​One example of this I've discussed in a previous blog post.  God had been working in my heart to find a place of forgiveness for my Dad.  I didn't want to.  I mean...I REALLY didn't want to.  Completely out of the blue, God sent someone who I wasn't really close to, but I knew to be faithful in prayer, to tell me that God wanted to heal my Daddy issues, I just had to ask Him to.  This sweet friend met the criteria that I use to determine if the messenger is really delivering a message from God.  How many of you know that the devil will use people too??  This friend confirmed something that God had already put on my heart.  She also didn't approach me with a message telling me WHAT to do.  Had she walked up and said to me, "God told me to tell you that you need to drive to your Dad's house and tell him that you forgive him", I wouldn't have listened to her.  She would've been confirming something God put on my heart, but she would have been taking the place of God.  In the New Living Translation of Isaiah 30:21 it says "Your own ears will hear Him.  Right behind you a voice will say, "This is the way you should go" whether to right or to the left."  God and only God will direct my steps.

The other example is the one that I opened with where God used my friend to give me the word Winter.  I had reached out to the tribe that I wrote about yesterday.  Those trusted prayer warriors who pray for me regularly.  I sent out a message letting them know that we had been advised my company that we would be closing and that we would all be losing our jobs.  I asked them to pray for a number of things.  A few days later, this friend sent me a message and said that the word she was getting from the Lord was Winter.  She made it clear that she didn't really know how God was going to reveal that word to me, she just encouraged me to get into the Word and meditate on Winter.  To look at how nature handles Winter.  Basically, she said, the Lord gave me this word for you, now go get with Him so HE can tell you what it means.  She didn't tell me that it should mean this or that.  

I guess I just want all of us to be careful about who or what we are listening to.  Here is just a small list of the things I have heard:

• God told me to tell you that you should just leave your husband.
• God told me to tell you that if you aren't happy at your job, you should quit.
• God told me to tell you that if you don't quit living that way, you are going to Hell.

We need to be able to measure that nonsense up against the truth and say, "No, He didn't."  Don't get me wrong, I think some of these folks mean well.  They may have even heard from the Lord on your behalf but maybe...just maybe..they were trying to finish His sentence.  If you are praying for someone else and God gives you the word Winter for them, don't you go trying to figure out what He means by it and if someone else is praying for you, don't let THEM interpret HIS message.

Who Is Praying For You?

I was thinking today about all of the times in my life that God has used other people to speak His truth to me.  I was thinking about dear friends who have come to me in specific seasons of my life with a word from the Lord.  These are people who I know to be fervent prayer warriors.  Friends who know the power of intercessory prayer.   For those who don't know what intercessory prayer is, it is basically just a big Christian word meaning "to pray to God for someone else".  

 I have a tribe of people that I pray for every day.  I pray to God for them. Often times I know specific needs but sometimes I don't.  I pray for their families and their jobs and their sense of self worth.  I just pray for them.  I also know that I have a tribe of people who are praying those same things for me.  He has used those prayer warriors in my life more than I could've ever imagined.

How many of you know that God sometimes answers prayer through other people?  I do.  Sometimes we are struggling to hear from God.    We need to know that this storm will pass. We need to know that we matter.  That we are making our lives count for something.  We need to hear something.  We need answers!!

Sometimes God won't answer me directly.  He will send someone whom I trust to speak His answers.  I've often wondered why He does that.  I am constantly seeking His will. Okay...sometimes I just want to do it my way....so I am "most of the time" seeking His will.  I am open to hearing from Him.  I have learned the sound of His voice in my heart.  So why use other people?  Perhaps it is because He knows that we need to work on building those trusting relationships with each other.  Maybe He knows that we aren't meant to walk this journey alone.

 I think He wants me to learn to trust others with my hard stuff, my secret stuff, the stuff that I worry about, the stuff that I dream about.  He wants me to have friends to lean on when all I want to do is run away and isolate.  He knows the importance of having a tribe of friends who will hunt me down when I've "gone quiet" for too long.  We aren't meant to go through this life alone.  Do you have a tribe of people that you know you can rely on?  It could be a tribe of 2, it doesn't have to be some HUGE group.  Do you have someone in your life that you know is praying for you daily?  If not, send me a message, I'll be happy to pray for you.

Funny thing- This post started out with a completely different message in my head.  It was supposed to be about knowing when to listen to others but I guess God wanted to make sure you knew you needed others before I told you when to listen to them.

More Than I Could Think To Pray For

Phillipians 4:6  says "​Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God"

My church back in Kansas City has a Facebook page where all of the women of the church can remain in fellowship with each other throughout the week.  They share about upcoming events, they celebrate achievements, but most often the group is used for prayer requests.  These beautiful women walk through some really hard stuff and they know that their truths can be shared amongst the group and their needs will be lifted up.  I count it a joy to be able to pray with and for my sisters.  I am learning something though.  I am learning that my prayers often are not big enough.  

I think I've always known this in the back of my head but two recent occasions come to mind.  Last year, a lady from the church we were attending let me know that her sister was having surgery for ovarian cancer and  asked that I would pray for her upcoming surgery.  I prayed fervently that the tumor would be contained inside of the ovary and that it wouldn't have spread anywhere.  I prayed and I prayed.  On the day of surgery, we received the best possible news.  The mass that they had found on the CT scan,that they were convinced was cancer, was benign.  I rejoiced with my friend and even remember saying how cool it was that God gave us more than we could have even thought to ask for.  

Fast forward to my surgery last week.  I was so nervous about having this surgery as I know so many people who have had back surgery and regretted it.  I prayed for a successful surgery.  That my body wouldn't reject the rods, plates, and screws that they were putting in.  I prayed that they wouldn't have a need to fuse more than one section.  I prayed that they wouldn't perforate my bowels on accident.  I prayed against every bad thing that could possibly happen during surgery and just asked that the surgery be successful.  

There are no words for the smile that came across my face in the recovery room when I was told that not one single piece of hardware was needed during my surgery.  The surgeon opened me up and found three pieces of bone that were broken and needed to be removed and when he checked the stability of the two vertebrae, he discovered that God had already done the hard part.  The two vertebrae that were going to need to be bolted together were completely fused together.  Solid as a rock.  All on their own.  Praise Jesus!!!!  

Are you kidding me??  Already fused???  I'm sure someone could try to give me some scientific explanation of how or why those two vertebrae were already fused but I am choosing to believe that God simply took care of it. He took care of me.  It would've never occurred to me in a million years to ask Him to fuse my spine up so that my surgeon wouldn't need any hardware.  

I've had a lot of down time in past week as I can't really do much while I'm healing.  I've spent a lot of time thinking about some of the mountains that I and some of my friends need to climb in the months ahead.  What if we thought about the best case scenario in some of these situations?  What if we dared believe that God would answer our needs in ways we couldn't possibly imagine?  What if we really believed that God has a purpose and a plan for all of the storms and we simply trusted that He will give us His best?  I'm challenging myself to change my thinking.  Want to join me?

Two Lists

Many of you who read my blog have been following along with our lives via Facebook.  I will spare all of the details that have been the constant turmoil that our lives have been in since we made the decision to move down here.  We often get caught up in all of the negative.  It has been A LOT!!!  Really, we have earned the right to look over the past, especially the past year, and hang our head in defeat.  We have suffered significant loss, significant parenting stresses, significant health issues, and significant financial hardships.  We were driving to meet a friend for lunch a few weekends ago and we were discussing all of the things that we have come up against.  The more we talked, the more we couldn't get past the all consuming heaviness of what we have been walking through.  That's was when we had a fantastic idea.  On the long drive home from lunch, we decided to make two lists.

One list was a comprehensive list of all of the incredibly painful/stressful/costly things that have happened to us since God asked us to move to Florida.  We captured everything we could think of.  Every single thing that broke in and around our house to include every flat tire, every pool pump, every septic pump, every damaged fender.  We captured every trip to the ER, imaging center, appointment with specialists, and every minute wasted sitting with a heating pad for us and for those we deeply love.  We captured every vet appointment, doggy surgery, and cancer diagnosis.   We captured every tough conversation with one of the kids.  We made an honest attempt to get it all on paper.

Then we did the best thing that we could've ever done.  We made a second list of all of the amazing things that have come since God asked us to move to Florida.  We counted numerous healed relationships where distance had allowed perspective.  We counted the fact that not one of the broken things had to go unfixed because we didn't have a way to pay for it.  We counted us being able to meet the Hatmakers and get involved in the work they are doing through the Legacy Collective.  We talked about how we are learning to stretch outside of our comfort zones and ask others for help.  We have learned to not  allow "busy" to control our lives.  We are learning that time in the hammock with a good book is just as important as an evening of bible study.  

I cannot begin to tell you what making those two lists did for us.  It took the focus off of every bad thing that has happened to us and put our eyes back on the blessings. The heaviness lifted and we found the strength to keep fighting.   It reminds me of a line in the song "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns.  "If your eyes are on the storm, you'll wonder if I love you still, But if your eyes are on the cross, you know I always have and I always will."

If you are struggling with the weight of all that is coming at you, let me encourage you to take a minute to make two lists of your own.  The first list shows you in black and white that you aren't going crazy and  you have a right to feel a little frazzled.  The second list shows you that God is still working, even when you can't see Him.  

When God Slams The Door

I cannot tell you how many times over the past fifteen years that I have said the following phrase to God.  "God, I am not getting clear direction from you on which path I should choose, so I am going to head this way.  If it is not Your will, please close the door." 

A recent occurrence of me asking God to close the door happened just last summer.  I was in a job that was causing me a significant amount of  stress.  I felt like I was losing myself.  I was having a tough time letting His light shine in that situation.  I prayed and prayed for a release from the job but the release never came.  He never told me to stay either.  He was perfectly quiet on the subject.  He has made it clear in the past when He wanted me to stay in a particular job or situation. His silence was confounding me.  So, I prayed that little prayer.  "Lord, I'm going to apply for this job, if it is not your will, close the door."  I sent off my resume and waited.  The answer came quickly.  Within one short week, I got the dreaded rejection letter and I was super mad about it.  It took me quite a few days to stop being mad about the quick rejection.  After all, I had a lot to offer that company and how dare they not even give me a phone interview.

One morning I was driving in to work, taking some quiet time with the Lord.  I was crying out to Him, letting Him know how upset I was about not getting the job.  He whispered ever so quietly to my spirit, "Didn't I do what you asked me to do?" "I'm sorry...what?!?!?  "Didn't you ask me to shut the door if it wasn't what I wanted for you?" "Well, yes, I guess so."

I pondered this concept for the rest of the day.  I thought of how often we ask the Lord to do something and then get mad when He does it.  I thought of the time that I prayed for God to provide a job for me that didn't require travel and how I'm now frustrated that the job isn't the way I expected Him to answer it.  I thought of a time when a friend was struggling with a roommate and had prayed for God to make her leave.  At the same time, God had been putting it on our heart to move her in with us.  We had no idea that our friend had been praying for this girl to leave, but it sure made her mad when it seemed like we were taking the other side.  God had been answering her prayer but she didn't like the way He answered it. 

It is amazing what some fresh perspective can do for things.  Glennon Doyle Melton calls it putting on your perspectacles.  I sit here today facing back surgery and thinking about how happy I am that glad shut the door to a new job.  I can't imagine explaining to a company that I'd only been with for a few months that I was going to need 12 weeks off to recover. 

Are there things in your life that you have specifically prayed for and then got upset with God when He answered your prayer?  Are there unanswered prayers that you were once very frustrated about but looking back, you can see what a blessing it was that God never gave you what you thought you needed?   

May we ever be thankful for unanswered prayers and closed doors.