Don't Willingly Give it Away

I was walking through the church one night, quite a few years ago, and my good friend Jeanne stopped me and asked me how I was doing.  She wanted to know how I was really doing and not just the "okay, how are you?" response we so readily give each other.  I began to share with her about some of the trials I was currently walking through and how I was struggling to see God in all of it.  She listened, like the good friend that she is, and then she just smiled at me and said, "Friend, have you ever heard the song The Boxer by Sara Groves?  The whole time you were talking, I just kept thinking about that song.  You should really go home and listen to it."  So, I did.  That song has been my go to song for quite a few years when I am feeling a tad bit overwhelmed with the circumstances of my life . If you haven't heard it, you should listen to it.  You can find it by clicking here.  The opening line of the song says, "When You said this was a fight, you weren't kidding."  The song goes on to remind us that He is greater in us than anything that we might face and that sometimes we just need to bob and weave when the enemy attacks.  To this day, when Jeanne senses that I am having a rough minute she will respond on Facebook with either "When You said this was a fight, You weren't kidding" or "Bob and Weave"  It is her loving reminder that God is still greater than even this thing I am frustrated about.  We all need this reminder from time to time.

Being a Christian is HARD!!  God will often ask us to do things that we are not qualified or prepared to do.  He asks us to trust the direction He is leading us.  He is putting big dreams in my heart and in the hearts of some of my friends.  He is calling a great number of us out of our comfort zones to do big things for His Kingdom. Guess what.  The devil doesn't like it when we do big things for God's Kingdom.  He doesn't like it one little bit.  The devil will cause us to doubt that we are hearing God.  He will try to put roadblocks in the way that will cause frustration.  He will tell us we aren't good enough. He will send people to tell us that we are crazy.  He will allow us to fall into a state of ,depression or anger.  He will do ANYTHING to keep us from doing God's will.   However, God says we can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives us strength.

Steven Furtick from Elevation Church preached a message that encouraged me.   He spoke about how the devil does not have the power or authority to take away from you the things that God has called you to.  If God is giving you a dream and a passion to serve others for His Glory or maybe a dream to be His voice in the world, the devil absolutely cannot take that away from you.  God has ordained it and God will put the pieces in place for you to prosper in that area.  However, the devil can beat you down until you willingly give the dream and passion to him.  He can throw so many roadblocks, trials, and hardships in your way that you decide you must have heard God wrong, or what God is asking you to do isn't worth it.  You are so battle weary that you decide you just don't have the strength to move forward.  This is the devil.  He wants nothing more than to convince you that you CAN'T do something that God is calling you to do.  We CANNOT let the devil win.

When you feel the weight of what God is asking you to do pressing down on you, call in your platoon.  Ask them to pray for you.  Admit that you are a having a rough minute and you will be blessed by the encouragement you get back.  I swear that there are days where I am only upright because of the faithful prayers of others.  Let us be those who keep our eyes solely focused on the One who loves us beyond measure and cast aside that mean old devil.  Let us see the devil's tricks for what they really are.  A scared desperate attempt to keep us from God's perfect plan.

Not Just In but Out as Well

God has really been working on me over the last few years to stop listening to the voice of the enemy.  I went through a program at DC where I learned about my thought closets.  There are the things the world thinks about me, things I think about me, and things God thinks about me.  When thoughts come my way and they are trying to derail me, I try to figure out what thought closet those belong in.  I then try to focus on the truth in that thought.  I have done better about my thoughts since then but it is still a daily struggle.

When I talk about "those" types of thoughts, it could look a million different ways.  I made a comment in a meeting and a co-worker jokingly replied, "It's not all about you Holly."  She was really just trying to joke with me but I spent the next twenty minutes trying to stop the thoughts that were whirling inside my head.  "Am I being selfish?" "No one here likes me!" "I was wrong to have moved down here." "Don't be silly Holly, she didn't mean anything by it." "What if she really did?"

Another example, God had been orchestrating a friendship over the last few years.  He made it clear at the Women's Retreat that this was a friendship that was going to matter in the long term and one that I should invest in.  I sent my new friend a text message just letting her know that I was thinking about her and praying for her.  The next day, God put her on my heart again and I went to send her a text.  Let the voices commence!  "You are probably annoying her." "She has enough going on in her life besides worrying about responding to you."  "You are going to scare her off if you keep texting her." It is maddening the thoughts that we have. What's really funny is that I have another member of my tribe who has recently encouraged me about my gift of encouragement.  Why don't I listen to THAT truth that says, me texting people to let them know I am praying for them, is a GOOD thing.  The awesome news is that, as I practice, I am getting MUCH faster at stopping my thoughts and putting them where they belong.  I am refusing to let the enemy gain ground in my mind.

This blog really is not just about the thoughts that I have inward, but my outward thoughts as well.  A dear friend of mine who has been the answer to many prayers reached out to me last week.  She said that she knew I had been struggling with my inner thoughts and wanted to share a teaching she had come across.  It is called Crash the Chatterbox.  You can listen to it by clicking here.  Isn't it awesome how God uses us in each other's lives.  We have to share the good stuff we come across and not just keep it to ourselves.

Anywho, this series is all about the inner chatterbox and how to crash it.  It was a super awesome reminder of all of the tips, techniques, and teachings that I have had on the subject of my thoughts towards myself.  It also taught me something new that I had never considered about the chatterbox.  In my world, the chatterbox that directs my thoughts about what is going on around me is just as poisonous to me as the one that directs my thoughts about myself.  The chatterbox that talks about outside situations will help me to stay stuck in a bad frame of mind and it often fuels a rage in me.

What does this outside thinking chatterbox look like?  I have started parking in the back parking lot of our building.  There are several reasons for this but the two main ones are this.  I have a new role at my company which means I spend most of the day in my office.  Coming in the back way allows me greet everyone and say hello before I go to my desk.  The other reason is that something evil happens when you come in the front door.  It is as if the devil himself greets you at the front door and sucks all of your joy, so I decided to switch it up on him. It really seems to be helping. Now, the other day, one of my coworkers advised me that it wouldn't be long before I was told that I can't park in the back.  I didn't really understand why but it was explained to me that some people like to be able to keep an eye on the comings and goings of the staff.  The other day, as I was driving into the parking lot at work, the chatterbox started in on his nonsense.  "I dare her to ask me why I'm parking in the back."  "You know what I'll say to her." "She better not even, she is messing with the wrong person."  On and on it went.  I was preparing for a battle that may never happen but by the time I got my car parked, my joy was gone.  Not one thing had happened besides my thoughts.  No one had confronted me.  No one had approached me.  Why was I letting my own stupid thoughts kill my joy?

It was then that it hit me, that the chatterbox isn't just about being kind to myself.  It is about stopping all of the nonsense in my head.  I will see someone post something ridiculous on Facebook and it makes me angry.  "Why in the world did she say that?"  "Did she not realize that she was going to hurt someone's feelings doing that?" "I have half a mind to tell her about herself."  "Do you remember when she said that ridiculous thing to me?" "What is wrong with her?"  All this thinking does, is get me wound up.  It brings no joy.  It just steals it.  The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy.  Take your thoughts back from him.  When you feel yourself mulling thoughts over and over in your head about a situation that is taking your focus away from God, just shut him down.

What does your thought life look like?  Have you learned to love yourself but still let the chatterbox have your thoughts about situations you can't control?  Try to keep an awareness of when the thoughts in your mind are coming rapid fire, intentionally stop them and ask yourself, is this way of thinking bringing me closer or farther away from God.  If you struggle in this area, please take some time to watch the series.  I think you will be blessed by it.   Crash the Chatterbox

Obedience- That's a hard one

When I was working at the security company, my job became pretty overwhelming.  I had been working the night shift for many years and it was beginning to take a toll on me.  I had moved through the ranks until I was a member of the management team and I loved the people that worked for me.  I had a desire to be a good leader and not just a good manager.  I ended up with a boss that shared a very different philosophy on how to build a team and run a company.  It became a daily source of frustration for me when it seemed that I could do nothing right in the eyes of my boss.  On most days, I would leave work with tears in my eyes, and cry out to God on the drive home.  "Lord, can you please release me from this place?"  Every time I asked, His answer was the same, "Go back and lead your people."  I would go back into work with a renewed spirit.  Over time, I would get beaten down again.  I would find myself crying out to God again, "Lord, pretty please can you release me from this place?  I know that it cannot be Your will for me to be this miserable."  His response was ALWAYS "Go back and lead your people."  Ugggh....really God....REALLY!!!

One day, I had to work all night and then I found out that I had to come back into the office during the day to attend a meeting.  The meeting was dreadful and the things that were being asked of us were ridiculous, not to mention I had only had four hours of sleep before the meeting.  On the way home that afternoon, I cried out to God.  "I can't do this anymore Lord, can I please work somewhere else??"   This time He replied, "You are free to go."  I went home, still in tears from the frustration of the meeting.  I told Leanna that I couldn't work there anymore and that maybe I would call my friend Kelly who had left to work for another company to see if she had any openings.  I left the house to take the boys to Scouts and on the drive there, my phone rang.  When I got to the Scout church, I listened to the message.  It was my sweet friend Meira, who happened to work for Kelly at this new place.  I kid you not, this was her exact message, "Hey Holly, It's Meira.  Kelly and I were wondering if you are sick of your job yet because we have an opening for a Customer Service Manager and it would be super awesome if you would come work with us."  Are you kidding me???  See..that's why I started that sentence off with "I kid you not" :)

Of course, tears streamed down my face as I listened to sweet Meira's voice, knowing that she had been an answer to prayer.  I called Meira that night to ask about the position and called Kelly the next day.  Seems easy enough right, I mean...they called me.  Wrong..because even when we know that it is God it is so hard for some of us to trust Him.  I called Kelly and the position sounded perfect but there was a problem.  The starting pay was several thousand below what I was making.  I couldn't take a pay cut, that's not how this is supposed to work.  I told Kelly about my concern.  She knew me well enough to encourage me to pray about it.  I spent several days "discussing" it with God.  Arguing is more like it. 

 

Me: "God, I can't afford a pay cut."

God: "Holly, do you trust Me?"

Me:  "Yes, but I have bills to pay."

God:  "Holly, do you trust Me?"

Me:  "Yes, but You don't understand"

God: "Why don't You trust Me?  I had Meira call you, isn't that enough proof that I want you to take this job"

Me: "Okay fine, I'll take a pay cut but You are going to have to pay my bills"

Just being transparent here :)  God was trying to hand me a blessing and I was arguing with Him about it.  Geesh!!  Anyway...so I called Kelly and said that I could work with the salary.  She just started laughing.  Her exact words, "I just left my boss's office and she said that if I thought you were worth it, to go ahead and match your current salary."   No pay cut...Go God!!

Done deal right...nope...I was very stubborn back then.  Okay...more stubborn than I am now.  So Kelly and I started talking about what hours I was going to have to work.  She said that I would have to work 9:30am-6pm Mon-Fri.  I went on to explain to her about how that wasn't going to work because I had two ten year old boys at home and Leanna didn't get off work until 7:30pm and by the time either of us could get home, the boys would be alone for at least 3 hours by themselves.  It just wasn't going to work.   Kelly told me to pray about it.  This time, the conversation was a little shorter.

Me: "God, these hours won't work,  What am I supposed to do with this?"

God: "You are supposed to trust me."

Me: "I do, but who is going to take care of the boys?"

God: "Your "but" doesn't sound like you trust me."

Me: "Okay fine, but you have to find a way to take care of the boys."

Yup, that's me...still arguing with God even though He has now shown me twice that He is in control.  So I called Kelly and told her that I would take the job.  She starting laughing and said, "You know, I've been thinking.  I am currently working 7am-3:30pm and I HATE coming in early.  We just need coverage, so why don't you take the early shift and I'll take the late shift."  All I could do was smile. 

That is how I got the initial job at the company that catapulted me up the corporate ladder.  Several years later, I was sitting at a seaside restaurant in Brazil having lunch with a coworker.  Yes, Brazil.  How crazy is it that this job God dropped in my lap, that I argued with Him about, resulted in a job that allowed me to travel to Brazil...without paying for it :)    Sorry..back to the seaside restaurant.  So I am at this restaurant and my coworker asks me, "Have you always been so religious."  I explained that I am not really religious, I am just head over heels in love with Jesus. I went on to explain what Jesus looks like in my life.  He asked me how I knew that God was real.  I explained that I had once been homeless, living in a Denny's conference room and now I am sitting in a seaside restaurant in Brazil.  He asked me how I know that I didn't just get here from all of my hard work.  I explained to him that I knew who I was before Christ and then I explained the story above, about how God made it so clear to me that this was the company I was supposed to work for.  He said to me, "What makes you so special that God would have that kind of favor in your life.  There are other Christians that God doesn't hand jobs to."  I was hard pressed to respond at the time and to be honest, I can't remember what I said to him.  I really couldn't comprehend why God had been so good to me.

I mulled over that conversation for a long time after I flew home.  One day, God revealed the answer to my coworker's question to me.  He had blessed me with that job because I had been obedient.  I could have walked off that security job a thousand times and found the first job to come along just so I didn't have to be miserable.  I didn't though, I consistently chased after the will of God.  Every time He asked me to go back and lead my people, I did.  I left that company ten years ago, but I still have friends today that used to work for me back then. I lead the heck out of that team and loved on them the best I could.   When God released me and dropped the new job in my lap, I was so excited.  Then when I started getting the details, I was scared.  I could've allowed the devil to talk me out of it and lost the job due to my own stupid fears.  Instead, I took that fear to God and I let Him calm my heart and then I did what I felt He was asking me to do.  

Many times over since then, I've had to simply be obedient.  Even when it's scary, like leaving the Customer Service life to work in I.T.  Even when it hurts, like leaving everyone I know and love with two weeks notice to move 1200 miles away.  Even when it's awkward, like deciding to sell It Works.  Even when I  really really didn't want to, like forgiving my Dad who left me when I was a child.

 Now, hear my heart.  I am not saying that if things don't appear to be going your way, that you aren't being obedient.  God has a purpose and a plan for each of us.  It will never look the same for any of us.  Nor should we want it to.  I love that when I gather with my sister friends, we come from all walks of life, with a vast assortment of experiences.  We can draw strength from each other's experiences.  Your walk will look difference, but obedience is important.

I guess the thought for today is, what is God asking you to do?  Are you doing whatever "feels" right, or are you seeking God's will in the decisions you make?  I promise you that life is a whole lot better when you give the control to Him.  

Exodus 19:5 (NIV) Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession.  

Me Too

Last weekend was the Desperation Church Women's Retreat.  There are not enough words in my vocabulary to explain the goodness of that weekend so I won't even make an attempt. There is one thing that keeps milling around in my mind, so like always, I am assume I should just put it here for everyone else to mill around too.

At the retreat center, there are several bunk houses.  Most of the bunk houses had five people in them but there is room to squeeze in one or two more.  The ladies in my bunk house were a mixture of close friends, people who made me laugh, people I've cried with, and even one lady who I've been a little scared of over the years.  I knew that we would have good times and I knew that none of these ladies were snorers so I was super excited to share life with them for a few days.  I had no idea what God was about to do in that bunk house. 

On Friday nights, there is usually a time of worship, followed by an amazing teaching, and then usually a campfire.  It was rainy on Friday night and the wood was wet so we decided not to try.  Our little group went back to our bunk house and started talking about life.  Another friend from the bunk house next door came over with a HUGE bag of snacks.  Slowly, other people would walk by our bunk house and hear the laughter or conversation and come and find a seat.  As each one came in, the rest of us would scoot around and make room for them.  I think that at one point there was something like 12-15 ladies in our little room.  Some would rotate in and out as they made the rounds with other women who were gathered somewhere.

Something magical happened that night and it was super fun to watch.  One lady would be brave enough to share about how she was arrested in front of her kids and a chorus of "ME TOO" would ring out and more arrest stories would come pouring out. (No, we aren't all a bunch of criminals)  One lady would share about how she was struggling with their child in a particular area, and there would be a collective "ME TOO" and there would be more stories about the struggles of raising children.  It was a group of ladies that were simply being real with each other.  I can't speak for the rest of the women in that room Friday night but I can tell you that as everyone left the room that night, I felt a sense of belonging...a sense that I am not walking this journey alone.

This concept of "ME TOO" carried on throughout the weekend.  A friend needed to share some hard stuff that was going on in her life and the more we talked, the more "ME TOO" moments we had.  Small group time was filled with a lot of "ME TOO" and "I was going to say what she just said." Another friend and I were talking about how she had been crying all weekend and it was driving her crazy.  Yep, you guessed it..."ME TOO".  It facilitated a conversation about how we often feel like our tears are a sign of weakness.  As we dug in, though, we agreed that most of the tears are simply about how overwhelmed we are by God's love for us.  That conversation helped us land in a place where we thought, "may we ALWAYS be so overwhelmed with God's love for us that it leaks out of our eyes." 

There is magic that happens when we are willing to share our vulnerable places with others.  It allows them to share their vulnerable places right back.  It helps to know that there are other people in this world who understand our struggles.  It deepens friendships.  Sharing is scary sometimes but here is what I do.  I share just a little bit of truth with someone and see how they handle it.  If they handle it tenderly, I trust them with a little more.  Not only does it build my trust, it builds our friendship.  It's good stuff...you should try it. 

I will leave you with this quote.  "If we could believe we are deeply connected in the fragile places, we could drop the games. When you tell me the truth about yourself, I no longer hide from you. You become safe for me. So guess what? You are now a recipient of my truth too. I am drawn to you. Your vulnerability makes a path for my own. Your truth-telling says to me, "I will not despise, judge, or abandon you." Ironically, it gives me the courage to be afraid, the strength to be weak." - Jen Hatmaker -  For The Love book - HIGHLY recommended.

Denny's booths are Comfortable

I just had the most amazing weekend.  I have so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I want to share about this past weekend but some of that is going to have to wait.  First of all, I need to process.  Second...it's just too much.

I did want to take a minute to share a story that some of you may not know.  The reason I am going to share it is because Pam told me to.  Pam is a new Legacy Collective friend that I met this past weekend.  We were touring Community First Village (which will need a whole blog post of its own), and we came upon another couple looking at one of the canvas houses.  Pam and Dr. Pam (or Tom..but you know...whatever) and Leanna and I struck up a conversation about the homeless population.  We talked about how there are so many assumptions that are made about the homeless population.  How a lot of Americans assume that drug addiction is the reason everyone is homeless.

Then for some crazy reason...I decided to share about the season of my life that I lived on the streets.
When I was 19-20ish, There was a short period of time where I was homeless.  In an attempt to run from the hurts and pains of my past, I had turned to alcohol.  I wanted to live life as numb as I could.  I was struggling to maintain my sanity.  I was full of anger at the world and I felt lost. I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere which meant I was making bad decisions and hanging out with other people who were full of anger and felt lost.

I had been living in an apartment with a co-worker who was taking the rent money and paying her car payment instead and eventually we lost our apartment.  I began bouncing from friend's couch to friend's couch.  Never really staying anywhere too long.  I couldn't stand being around people but I also couldn't stand to be alone.  It was a pretty tough time.  Eventually, my friends were tired of me sleeping on their couches and spending any money I had on alcohol.  Before too long...I had nothing left but my car.

I had a few friends who needed rides from time to time so I would trade rides to work for a hot shower or a pack of cigarettes. Some would let me park in their parents' driveway for the night so I would have a safe place to put my seat back and rest.  I eventually discovered that the Denny's parking lot was a super safe place to park at night.  They were open 24 hours and the parking lot was well lit.  My brother and his girlfriend both worked there.  Just to be clear, they had no clue that I was homeless.  I was too embarrassed to tell them.  Anyway....it gets SUPER COLD in Kansas City in the dead of winter.  I would pull into the Denny's parking lot about midnight and run the heater on full blast to get the car as warm as possible.  Then I would shut off the car, to conserve gas, and crawl into the hatchback and go to sleep.  When I woke up cold, I would climb in the front and warm the car up again.  I had been doing this for quite a few weeks.  Every night, warm up the car, sleep, warm up the car, sleep.

One night, I was in the back of the car sound asleep when someone started pounding on the window.  I was terrified.  When I opened my eyes, the Denny's Manager was telling me to get out of the car.  I was so sure that he was going to tell me that I had to leave.  He just smiled at me and said, "It is entirely too cold for you to be out here.  Please come inside."  I followed him inside and he took me through the restaurant to the banquet area in the back room.  He let me know that the booths were really comfortable and that I should lay down and get some rest.  He would shut the door to the banquet room and no one would know I was in there.  I half-slept that night, listening to every noise, thinking that someone was going to find me in there and wonder what I was doing.  About 6am, he came into the room and brought me some hot chocolate, pancakes, and bacon.  He said that I needed to be out by 6:30 before the day shift came in but I was welcome back at midnight on any night that he worked.

I only needed that room for a few more weeks.  This man ended up giving me a job at Denny's and I eventually asked my brother if I could stay with him for a while while I got back on my feet.  I don't remember his name, but I will never ever forget his kindness.

This man taking the time to let me know that I mattered, changed something deep inside of me.  Did his actions heal the brokenness in my spirit?  No...I would find out later that I would need Jesus for that. I believe that the manager probably didn't think much of what he did for me.  It was just in his character to love on people.

So here I was, standing at the door of this canvas house sharing this story with my new friend Pam.  Standing there as a person that God had redeemed.  Standing there as living proof that sometimes all someone needs is to know that they matter and that there are people that are FOR them.  Standing there feeling overwhelmed with the knowledge that God has made beauty from the ashes of my life  and provided a way for me to pour that love back into the world.  Pam told me, "You need to share this story today and share it a lot".  I didn't get the opportunity to share it again on Saturday but here it is.  The manager could have easily asked me to leave the property, but instead, he let me know that he was FOR me.  May we be those who are FOR and not against those who just need to know that they matter.  I will leave you with this song from Jason Gray - If You Want To Love Someone.

The Truth....In Love

This concept of speaking the truth, in love has really been on my mind lately.

Ephesians 4:15-16 says "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow, so that it builds itself up in love."

In the past few months, heck, really, in all of the years I've been a Christian, I've seen this phrase used by Christians to justify their condemnation of other people and their actions.  I have found in my own experience that most people who have "spoken the truth, in love" have actually just defended their beliefs and shouted from the rooftops that they are right and the other person is wrong.  End of Story.

There is a time and place for needing to speak some hard truths to a friend who you see heading in a wrong direction.  Guess what??  You need to earn that right.  Guess what else??  This is where the IN LOVE part comes in.  You CANNOT speak the truth "in love" to someone that you have no love for..and I am not talking about "love the sinner, hate the sin" kind of love.  I'm talking about the "rejoice when you rejoice, weep when you weep" type of love.  The kind of love where you know their story and they know yours and they know that your words are coming from a place of care and concern and NOT condemnation.

1 Corinthians 13:1 says, "If I speak human or angelic languages but do not have love, I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal."

Think about a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  ANNOYING right....they might be tolerated the first couple of times but then the noise gets old.  We should be a beautiful melody to those who God has allowed to cross our paths.  Love is the note that we need to play.  

1 John 3:18 says, "Little children, we must not love with word or speech, but with truth and action."

Notice how John points out that we don't show love by our words and speech. We have to be love.  We have to be the one that shows up when someone is moving and is asking for help.  We need to show up when someone is experiencing loss.  We need to show up when those we love are headed down a path of destruction.  We need to show up when someone just needs to know you are FOR them and not against them.

Did you know that God works out salvation for different people in different ways?  I know...shocking right.  God made us all different.  We all have different stories, different scars, different life experiences, so God must work on us all differently.  Do you think that if someone hasn't acknowledged God's existence that God isn't working in them just the same?  If your "truth, in love" is pushing someone further from God, it isn't love.

It is Finished....for now

I just submitted my very last assignment for my Bachelor's degree in Business Leadership and I wanted to take a moment to reflect on this accomplishment.  I have been in school since August 22, 2011.  I had a million reasons for going back to school, but mainly just to prove to myself that I could.  Part of me wanted to prove to the kids that anything was possible if they were willing to put their mind to it.  When I started school, I had a pretty stressful job that required a little bit of travel.  That job turned into a very stressful job with a whole LOT of travel.  I persevered though.  Sometimes it was setting an alarm at 2am in the UK so that I could meet with the learning team at 8pm their time.  Sometimes it was attempting for 3 hours to get an internet connection while working in Sao Paulo, Brazil just so I could submit an assignment.

 I couldn't have done it without a lot of help.  Sarah Carter reviewing my Algebra homework when I thought I was lost. Christa talking me through every single ounce of my Accounting - even from a long distance.   Jean and Lynn talking me through financial questions - the only thing that I know about margins are that they run down the edge of the paper and also for writing recommendation letters that got me into school in the first place (can you say Academic Probation).  Numerous people calling in favors to get me someone to interview.  Vivian letting me drill her about how she leads her team.  Theresa spelling out how she leads her team and for telling me that Beautiful should always have a capital B.  Tom and Mark who wrote me letters verifying my learning so I could get credit for a class. Rachelle, who was one of my biggest champions and always made me feel like it was a done deal.   Millie and Sarah who had to listen to me complain incessantly about this teacher or that teacher or school in general every day at lunch (or at least the days I was in town).  My mama for letting me know that she believed I could do it.  My friends at DC who encouraged and supported me and understood when I had to beg out of something because I had homework.  To the mafia, the majority of which have been battling school right along side of me, I could never have done it without each and every one of you cheering loudly for me.  To my boys..who have had to put up with a Papa Holly who is overworked and overwhelmed.  Thank you for putting up with me and loving me anyway.  Leanna, there are no words for the undying love and support that you have given me every step of the way. Watching you start and finish your Master's degree was inspiring.  Thank you for allowing me the space and freedom that I needed to be successful, even if it meant that I didn't pick up my stuff laying around the house.  Thank you for all of the work that you did getting us ready for Florida so that moving 1200 miles from home didn't get in the way of my ability to complete my assignments.  Thank you for always being willing to talk through my assignments when I was so stuck that tears were running down my face.

My biggest thanks goes to God.  Thank you for dragging me out of the pit that I was living in and giving me new life.  Thank you for giving me a renewed spirit and a refreshing of my mind that allowed me to believe that even a college degree was possible for me.  You allowed me to see that if I let You, You will stretch and grow me in ways that I couldn't fathom.   You have taught me to dream bigger than I ever thought possible.  You have given me clarity that all of this learning is going to be used to further your kingdom and not just to further my career.  That makes it all worth it.

For anyone I missed, just know that I thank you.  If you've ever stopped and said a prayer for me, or sent me a note of encouragement on Facebook, or celebrated my accomplishments...it has meant the world to me.  Now...I must go hold my breath until my final grade comes out. :)  oh...and take a nap.

You Just Have to Ask Him

With Father's day just behind us, thoughts of my Dad have been on my heart the past few weeks.  I kept feeling like I needed to share the story of how God healed my heart and my "Daddy" issues in ways I couldn't have imagined.  I am finishing up my last weeks of school, trying to running a direct sales business, investing with a group of like minded folks to point a big gun at social issues...generally super busy as usual.  The other day, this popped up in my time hop, and I was reminded that I needed to share the story.

I couldn't believe that it has been four years already.  I had a chance to reflect last night on the work that God has done in my heart in those past four years.  Let me start by sharing parts of a letter I sent out to "my people" asking for prayer in Nov. 2011.  It tells the first part of the story.

"Somewhere around June of 2010, God started working on knocking down the wall around my heart labeled 'Dad'.  My Mom and Dad were divorced when I was 10 months old.  I didn't know my Dad growing up and didn't meet him until I was 21.  I didn't really talk to him at that point though, as the walls were up and I was full of anger.  Over the past 2 years, God would slowly reveal things to me that caused me to look at my Dad differently than I previously had.  Nothing too profound, just an awareness that what I thought was the truth, probably wasn't.  I felt like God was asking me to reach out to my Dad.  I am stubborn, and don't often do what God tells me to right up front.  I have to fight with Him for a while.  My Grandpa had abdominal surgery in Nov. 2010 where it was discovered that he had colon cancer.  The night of his surgery, I stayed with him, by myself, at the hospital all night.  That was the best and most healing night I'd ever spent with my Grandpa.  We talked A LOT about my childhood and my family.  He revealed things to me that I had never known.  My Grandpa talked quite a bit about my Dad.  I could feel God nudging me that night, reminding me that He wanted me to reach out to my Dad.  I ignored Him.  I wasn't ready to face that demon just yet.  The next few months were spent holding my Grandpa's hand while he passed away.  

That was a life changing time in my life.  God kept working on my heart and I kept telling Him to leave me alone.  In mid-May, I was sitting outside at the picnic table having lunch with my lunch friends.  A friend who rarely comes to lunch joined us.  On the way back to the building, she says, "You've really been on my heart lately, Holly Waugh".  I don't think I have many friends who can just say my first name.  Now, when she said this, my heart just seized up.  That is because God consistently uses this friend to speak into my life when I am trying my best to ignore Him.  I like to pretend that I am not really hearing God and that I am just making up the things He wants me to do.  So here she is, getting ready to tell me about myself, so I just hold my breath.  She turns to me and says, "God want to heal your Daddy issues, all you have to do is ask Him."  Why it still surprises me every time she is dead on, I will never know.  She said a lot of other wise things and I just kept trying to play stupid.  I kept asking her which Daddy.  I have had 2 step-dads so I wanted to be sure.  Eventually I pressed her and she said that it had to do with a sense of loss and absence.  So now I knew that I knew that God wanted me to reach out to my Dad.  I didn't want to..so I didn't...and it ate at me.  It's one thing to be disobedient to God when you can convince yourself it's not Him and it's a whole other thing to KNOW that it's God and choose not to obey.  Towards the end of June, I was at church worshipping my face off.  That's when God likes to convict me and talk to me.  The next thing I know, I am sitting with my head in my hands bawling my eyes out.  I finally said, "Alright God, I surrender...Your will...not mine.  I have to believe that good will come of this or You wouldn't have me do it..so Okay!!"  I felt God say, "See...you've been worrying about this promotion that you want and I won't give it to you because if you can't be obedient in the things I ask of you, why would I give you more responsibility."  I felt such conviction and I apologized to God and promised that I would be obedient in what I felt He was calling me to do.  As I walked out of church that night, I received a text from my boss letting me know he'd secured the final approval to move me into my new position.  I just smiled, knowing that God was in control.   

I wrote a letter to my Dad and put it in the mail the first week of July.  I basically just told him about myself and apologized to him for the anger I'd felt towards him.  I let him know that I forgave him for making the decisions he did regarding his involvement in my life.  That I realized that there were circumstances that I didn't know about and that in the end, it didn't really matter.  I set no expectations but provided him a way to contact me if he felt like wanted to.  I sent the letter, and then I waited...and I waited...and then the devil started attacking me.  The devil beat me down and said things like "see, you aren't even worth him contacting you", "you really ARE worth nothing", "see, God doesn't care about you".  

I kept thinking about the story Pastor Michael told us one day about how lions take the oldest broken down lion with the loudest roar and have him get on one side of his prey while the rest of the pride crouch down on the other side.  The old broken down lion is like the devil, whose job it is to just roar really loud and scare you away from where you are trying to go and as you run away, you run right into the rest of the pride who are waiting to eat you.  So I kept thinking about how PMC told me that when that stupid old lion is roaring at me....I should run right at him because he's broken down and can't hurt me.  So that's what I did...I ran right at the devil.  I kept telling him that I did matter to God, and that God WAS in control..and I surrounded myself with some wise people.  Poor Leanna had to help me tackle the devil.  She told me, "Perhaps, this isn't about you..perhaps your Dad needed the letter more than you needed to write it."  Profound, I say.  When I could get the focus off me and realize that maybe my Dad had been living with the guilt that he needed to be released from, it made it easier.

Out of the blue, I got a message from my cousin on FB asking if I wanted to go have dinner with her and her sister and my Aunt.  This Aunt would be my Dad's sister.  I hadn't seen them for 15 years but I knew God wanted me to go meet with them.  I was super nervous but that dinner was exactly what I needed.  I found out that my Dad had some mental illness and was in an assisted living apartment.  I heard a lot of stories that contradicted things I had been told my whole life.  My immediate reaction was to be angry at my Mom.  I had to pray hard about that as I didn't want my forgiveness and healing for my father to transfer to anger at my Mom.  God got me through it as He always does.  He helped me to see that my Aunt's truth and my Mom's truth are different than God's truth.  So that brings me to today.

I apologize for the length of this e-mail as I rarely spill my heart out.  My cousin contacted me last week and let me know that my Dad would like to have dinner with me.  My Aunt Betty is hosting dinner at her house and my cousins and my Dad will be there.  Angie, (my cousin) let me know that I didn't have to come and there wasn't any pressure at all, she just wanted to put the invitation out there if it was something I felt comfortable with.  My immediate reaction was "NO..I can't do this right now."  Then God ever so gently let me know that I need to go.  So on Tuesday of this week, I am going to have dinner with my Dad...and I am scared.  I don't quite know what I am scared of..but my stomach has been flopping ever since I told my Aunt I was coming.  I need prayer...lots and lots of prayer.  I think this is the next step in the healing process for me.  I am so grateful for the healing that God has already provided to me and I am equally grateful that He uses the experiences and the healing from my childhood to speak into the lives of other hurting people.  My specific prayers are as follows: 1.  That I would have peace throughout dinner.  2.  That conversation wouldn't be strained. 3.  That I would say what God would have me say to bring healing to my Dad as well. 4.  That nothing I hear causes bitterness and anger towards others. 5.  Prayer of thanks for my Aunt and cousins who love me and are willing to facilitate dinner...and for making dinner gluten-free..and prayer for anything else you are lead to pray for."

The dinner happened...and it was good.  There were a couple of rough bits that took my breath away..but more on that later.

I could tell you that my obedience (however reluctant) was rewarded with total restoration in my relationship with Dad...but that would be a lie.  We only talked one more time after this picture was taken.  He died in September of last year.

You may be asking yourself why you have wasted your time reading through this super long blog post just to find out that my story didn't have a happy ending.  Well...my friends...that's why I decided to share it...it does have a happy ending..just not the one I had expected.

When you grow up without knowing who your Dad is...you come up with a million questions that you would ask him if you could.  I was lucky enough to finally get the opportunity to ask some of those questions to him.  I didn't always get the answer that I wanted and I'm not sure that any of the answers that I received were the truth but I got the opportunity to ask.  I got to learn a little about his life.  I got to learn a little about his marriage to my Mom (from His perspective only, of course).  I got a lot of things...but do you know best thing I got??  I got the realization and awareness that my Dad walking out on us had absolutely nothing to do with me.

God had given me the greatest gift.  I realized that, for whatever reason, my father was incapable of taking ownership of his own actions.  I realized that my father had paid the price for his decisions.  I realized that the little girl inside of me who had been longing to be loved by her father, was pretty okay now and didn't really need him.  I realized that the healing inside of me had only happened because I had a heavenly Father who loved me so unconditionally that He would let me hurt if it meant I would heal.  I allowed myself to feel all of the feelings, and having brought all of the hurt and bitterness out into the light, God was able to heal it all.

I am not sure why God is having me share this story.  It's a repeat for some of you, but I have to believe that someone out there needed to hear it.  Needed to know that healing can come to those hurting places deep in your spirit.  Those hurts that you keep to yourself because no one would understand it anyway.  God understands.  In the words of my very wise friend, "God wants to heal your "fill in the blank" issues, all you have to do is ask Him."
 

Wrestle It Out

Haven't had a lot to say in the past six weeks or so.  I've had a lot on my mind though.  As I was mowing the yard yesterday....yes..I said MOWING in March!!!  As I was mowing the yard yesterday, I was thinking back to something that a dear friend said to me about six months ago.  We had been talking about how hard the transition had been for me to move to Florida and I how nothing had turned out like I had expected it would.  We talked about how lonely I was and how much I'd been missing "home". I told her that I was really wrestling with God, trying to figure out His purpose behind everything.  Do you know what my friend and mentor said to me??  She said, that she envied the position that I was in.  What?!?!?!?  She explained that God had forced me into a position where I had no choice but to wrestle it out with Him.  I didn't have a friend nearby where I could go and cry on their shoulder about how unfair it all was.  I didn't have church commitments to keep me busy so that I could avoid dealing with the emotion of it all.  I had no choice but to work it out with Him.

I don't think I truly appreciated the blessing of the solitude.  As a matter of fact, at the time,  I was pretty irritated that she didn't just agree with me that it was all unfair.  So yesterday, I was reflecting on how absolutely right she was.  She generally is :)  I can look back on the past six months with a grateful heart.  I HAVE been able to wrestle it out with God.  He has given me a focus on Him unlike anything I've experienced before.

I am running a race..His race.  He is asking me to keep my eyes fixed solely on Him.  I'm used to looking for the finish line.  The target that I need to hit.  I keep running towards the finish line of a particular thing that I've felt God has asked me to do, and just when I think I am almost there, He moves the finish line.  He is teaching me to trust Him.  To stop focusing on what I think He wants...to stop trying to achieve success based on my own warped version of what that means.  He is teaching me to chase the desires of His heart.  I need to stay in my lane and keep moving forward looking only to Him for guidance.  No need to look to my left or my right as then I might feel like I need to compete with others running the race.  Their race is not my race.

Is there something in your life that is keeping you from fixing your eyes solely on Him? Do you feel like the finish line keeps getting moved on you?  I encourage you to get some quiet time and wrestle it out with Him.

 "Therefore, since we have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us.  Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith...."  Heb. 12:1-2 HCSB

Even When You Can't See It

I've been doing this weight loss thing for years.  As a matter of fact, this blog was initially created to follow a group of us that were trying to get healthy.  As I continue on this journey of obedience, I am trying desperately to keep my eyes on Jesus.  Some times that is easier than others.  When the scale isn't moving, it is hard to stay focused. Some may say not to get on the scale every day, and that's okay.  I choose to do it because my body reacts to certain foods and I use the scale to learn when to rule those out.  That's a blog for another day.   God keeps showing me something over and over again as it relates to the scale not moving so I figured I would share it with you.

This picture represents my weight loss since January 1st.  Each blue dot represents a day of weighing in.  As you can see, I've had my ups and downs and there has been a few days in a row there when the scale hasn't moved at all.  In the past, I would've been discouraged.  I would've been beating myself up wondering what I'm doing wrong.  Not this time. This time I  know that if I stay the course, the line will move down.

In those times, when days go by and the scale doesn't move, I am reassured by the thought that my body is still getting healthy even when I can't see the results.  I know that eventually the scale WILL move. God keeps showing me that my walk with Him is just like that.  There are times when I don't understand why everything seems to be going wrong in my world.  I keep doing the right things.  I keep chasing after Jesus.  I keep loving my neighbor.  I keep trying to be the light in the world, but nothing seems to change.  He whispers, "Holly, just like the scale doesn't always show the work that you are doing to change the inside of your body, the circumstances of your life will not always reflect the work that I am doing to change the inside of your heart."

When I step back and look at this weight loss picture overall, I can see that there is a great downward trend.  I can easily see how much  progress I've made. I can see that what I am doing is working.  If I could step back and look at my life from the moment I met Jesus until now, I would see such an amazing upward trend.  There would be a few bumps in the road when I started to lose my way but the change would be undeniable.  Jesus has filled empty places in me that I didn't even know existed.  God has restored relationships that would've been completely written off in the past.  God has helped me heal from insurmountable grief.  God has taken parts of me that were so completely shattered and somehow pieced them back together into something beautiful.

I shutter to think about the blessings I would have missed out on if  I would've given up in the times when the circumstances of my life didn't reflect God moving.  Don't give up.  God isn't finished with you yet.

Phillipians 1:6 I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you WILL carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Delivered but Not Free

A couple of years ago, God whispered to my heart to join the bone marrow donor registry.  I don't know if it was because I had a friend who had lost her Dad to Leukemia and his donor had come to the funeral or some other reason but the seed had been planted.  God would keep bringing the thought to my mind over and over again. In early 2013, I looked into joining the registry and found that I wasn't eligible.  Was it because I had some disease that made my bone marrow unsafe?  No.  Was it because I had been to some foreign country that made me ineligible?  No.  It was because my BMI was too high.  I was simply too big to even register.  That deflated me.  I have struggled with my weight my entire life but I have never let it hold me back. Here was something that I knew that God was asking me to do and I simply couldn't do it.  I knew it meant that I needed to get my health under control.

At the time, I was working an insane amount and travelling all of the time.  Trying to get healthy on the road is not an easy task.  God just kept bringing back this thought of joining the registry.  Fast forward a year, and God called us out of Kansas City to a job opportunity in Florida.  While the job hasn't turned out to be all that I expected it to be, I wonder if God wasn't trying to get me out of a job of full time travel so I could start taking care of myself.  The fact that the travel-free job is in Florida is just an added health bonus.  In case you were wondering, trying to get healthy while moving 1200 miles away from everyone you know and love is also not an easy task.  I am an emotional eater and these were trying times.

While I was in KC for a Women's Retreat, God kept pressing me..reminding me that I needed to get my weight under control so I could do what He was asking me to.    When I got home from the retreat, we had a guest speaker at church.  He was talking about the last supper.  Somehow, right in the middle of talking about how the last supper is about community, he started talking about obedience.  He had 3 points to obedience but the one that stood out to me was that obedience should be immediate.  Obedience should be done willingly, immediately, and completely.  God spoke so clearly to my heart that I had to do something.  The words of Women's Retreat whispered ever so gently to my heart.."Holly, you have been delivered but you are not free.  Why do you continue to remain a slave in bondage to your weight?  Isn't it time for you to be free?  It is for freedom that I set you free." Face blown off.

So the journey began.  Not the journey to the massive goal of getting me to a healthy weight but just the smaller journey of getting me eligible to join the bone marrow donor registry.  I started on December 1st and I have tried daily to give it to the Lord.  Did I fall off the wagon while I was home for the holidays?  Absolutely, but God was there to remind me that He asks for imperfect progress.   Early last week, I prayed fervently that God would continue to give me the motivation to stay the course.  That He wouldn't let my mind wander to other priorities.  That He wouldn't let me give up on myself for the thousandth time.

Then this past weekend, our Pastor was preaching part 2 of a message titled, "Clean up on Aisle Me".  He talked about how we treat a lack of motivation like a speed bump but we should treat it like a low oil light on the car.  We need to get to the root cause of why we lack motivation.  We talked about Psalm 51:10-12 and how David asked God to renew a steadfast spirit within him.  Pastor preached about how even people after God's own heart have to pray for motivation and for God to supernaturally correct those things in us that keep us from doing what we know is right and good.  It struck a chord in me.

I have been to counseling and I have made every attempt to get to the root cause of my struggles. My only hope now is in Jesus.  I think that's why JJ Heller's new song called This Year has impacted me so much (Click here to listen).  The line, "Let's fight a good fight, and train our eyes to find the light" reminds me that I need to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and chase after Him and the rest will follow.  The first two verses says, "This year, I'm not looking back to who I was, because I'm gonna be someone, I've never been.  This year, I'm not focused on the cracks in the walls, not keeping track of all the times I fall, this year."  It doesn't matter how many times I've tried this healthy thing or how many times I've failed.  This year, I'm going to be someone I've never been.

If you are lacking motivation to do the things that God is asking you to do, whatever that may be.  Take your request to Him. Ask Him to motivate you.  Ask Him to renew in you a steadfast spirit.  Ask Him to help you be someone you've never been.