Disagreement Versus Rejection.

We have all seen or heard it, more so now than ever.  It comes in several iterations but the most common are these two.  "We can disagree with each other and still love each other." or "We can disagree with each other and still be kind."  

While in theory, this sentiment is true, I think the problem comes in when someone doesn't understand that that there is a difference between disagreement and rejection.  We all disagree on a lot of things. Some of those disagreements are easy to navigate.  My friends give me hard time because I don't like fried chicken, seafood, or watermelon.  I disagree that these are yummy foods.  However, I don't mind if they eat those things.  I don't even mind if they eat them around me.  My only exception is that I do not allow seafood (of any kind) to be cooked in my house...because it stinks (I'm looking at you Josh.)  That's my right.  It's MY house.

I could never get to the point of liking some popular shows/movies like Yellowstone, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones or any of the Lord of the Rings movies.  I disagree that these are enjoyable to watch.  I am quite happy if anyone else wants to watch them and heck...if I like you enough... I'll even watch it with you, if you ask me too.

Some disagreements are a little harder to navigate. What with this being pride month and all, you can probably imagine that there are a LOT of people who disagree with my right to love another woman.  To be able to marry her.  To hold her hand while I'm walking into church.  To hold her hand on the street.  To talk about her to others.  There are some people who believe that it is an abomination and against God's will for my life.  Here's the thing...I'm not even mad that we disagree.  I have a lot of people that I dearly love who disagree with me on this very hard topic.  I still love them.  I still interact with them.  I still enjoy their company.  There are others who disagree where I have had to choose to protect myself from them.  You might be asking, what's different?

To me, a disagreement while being kind looks like, "I believe that being a homosexual is a sin but that is between you and God.  We don't have to agree on that.  I think you are incredible as a person and I love you and support you just as you are."  

Rejection looks like, "I believe that being a homosexual is a sin.  Since I believe that it's a sin, I must reject all parts of you that reflect that sin.  I must ask you not to bring your girlfriend around me.  I must ask you to not talk about your girlfriend and the life that you are sharing.  I must ask you to leave our prayer group because you don't pray like we do.  I must support politicians who make it okay to discriminate against your right to be you.  I must make sure that NO religious institutions might provide a place for you to worship and serve God just as you are."  

I keep hearing all the time lately about how the LGBTQIA+ community is aggressively pushing their agenda, and there might be some that are, but there are many more of us who are doing our very best to live a good life and to be kind to people.  We aren't necessarily proud to be gay but we damn sure aren't ashamed of it either.  

What most of us want is the right to be ourselves.  To be left alone.  To be treated the same as anyone else.  We want to be able to sit in a restaurant and hold hands with the person we love without getting a side eye from anyone.  We want to be able to live without fear of being kicked out of our housing because our city has made it legal for our landlords to do so, for no other reason than because of who we love.  We want our kids to feel safe in school and feel like they can talk about their parents without getting bullied or shunned.  We want our kids to grow up in a generation where they don't have to pretend to be someone they're not for 20 years just to keep from being cast aside.  We want to be heard and believed.  We don't want our pain to be called propaganda. 

Then there is the church.  I don't need to go to a church that has a big rainbow banner flying in front of it.  I would prefer to go to a church where you don't really know who in the congregation is straight and who is gay because it doesn't really matter.  I want to walk with my girlfriend into a church on worship night and sit in the front row without having the pastors scrambling to make up lies as to why they need to move us, lest anyone think they condone it.  Apparently it doesn't matter that out of respect for their beliefs, I had told my girlfriend that I wouldn't walk in holding hands.  (I'm looking at you Restoration Place, Tallahassee).  

All I ask...is that you consider how your actions affect your LGBTQIA+ friends and neighbors.  Ask yourself if it's really a disagreement or are you rejecting the parts of them that are different?  It's okay if you don't fight for my rights, just don't actively fight against them...and if you do....you have to be okay when I shut the door that allows you access to me.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I will never again hide or change part of myself to fit in.  If I don't belong just as I am...I'm out.

One Ending is Just Another Beginning

Today, God wrote the closing words to one of the most "beautiful, earth shattering, mind bending" chapters of my life.  I wasn't ready for the chapter to end.  I thought there was more to be written.  I was waiting for God to wrap it all up in a neat and tidy bow where everyone wins in the end.

But God.

Knowing that the end was coming, I took the time to reflect on what this particular chapter brought to the story He is writing.  

This chapter brought a light into my life that lit up places I didn't even know were dark.  It brought someone who could help me see that I didn't have to hide who I was.  I didn't have to be who others taught me that I had to be...with both their words and actions.  It brought a freedom of knowing that I didn't have to let go of something that brought me peace and comfort because it might make someone else uncomfortable.  It brought someone who showed me that I could experience love in a way that I never could've imagined.  A love that would allow me to more clearly see God's love for me.

This chapter brought adventure.  It brought trips to beaches, and mountains, and botanical gardens and TEXAS.  It brought interactions with bears, coyotes, chickens, cows, horses and for the love of all that is HOLY...it brought a lot of sloths.  It brought flat tires and homeless people.  It brought snowmen and snow angels.  

This chapter taught me that when you start being authentically you, it is going to rub against people the wrong way.  It also taught me that those people will be okay, even if you refuse to go back to being someone you aren't.  This chapter taught me that my words matter, not just to me but to others.  When I put pen to paper and wrote about other past chapters, my people gathered around me to help get the word out.  The reviews and feedback that I received helped me to see that God could use my hard chapters to help bring healing to others.  I believe He is going to use this one too.

This chapter taught me that we carry a lot of stuff from one chapter to the next.  While we can try to hold tightly to the good stuff and drag it along, sometimes, there is some bad stuff buried deep in the inside that we didn't know was coming with us.  This chapter taught me that this stuff will rise to the surface when we least expect it.  When it does, people get hurt.  That hurt can come in the most unexpected ways at the most unexpected times but that's what unhealed wounds and trauma can do.  That hurt can come, even though no one in the story had any intention of hurting anyone else.

This chapter taught me that in the face of pain, we have choices in what we do with it.  It taught me that the best choice will always be to lay it in the hands of Jesus and ask Him to guide me.  This chapter also taught me that I'm not necessarily going to like the guidance He gives me.  I learned that anger is easy, but that's not who God created me to be.  For whatever reason, perhaps because He's the author of my story and knows what's up, God created me with an extra measure of grace.  I learned that instead of anger, I could pour out grace instead.  This includes grace for myself for all of the mistakes I've made.

This chapter taught me that A LOT of people don't understand the gift of grace.  It also taught me that they don't have to understand it. I can stand confident in the direction God is giving me, even when it makes absolutely no sense to anyone around me, including me.  This chapter taught me that I can not only trust His voice, I can trust my ability to hear it.  It taught me a lot about faith.  It has grown my faith deeper than I ever could've imagined, even when it looked liked God had forsaken me at times.

This chapter taught me how to protect my heart.  It taught me that not everyone needs access to my version of the story God is writing.  Some paragraphs are meant for only me to know about.  Just because they want to know, doesn't mean I have to tell them.  This chapter taught me that I need to be aware of who and what I give access to my energy.  It is okay to think about my needs first, it's not selfish, it's necessary.  

This chapter taught me that I can still show up, big time, for the people who need me.  It also taught me that there are people who want to show up for me, if I can be honest enough to admit that I need them to. Not only will they show up, they will show up in the most amazing and profound ways.  They will send gift cards, and surprise packages in the mail.  They will send Marcos and texts to let you know they are thinking about you.  They will come visit. They will live at your house during the day and drive 45 minutes just to make you eggs and bacon because they know you need protein. They will sleep on your couch overnight, even if they don't have their CPAP machine, because they know you are sick and want to make sure you live through the night.  They will make space in their busy schedules to sit with you in a hotel room, or on their couch, or at a cabin in the mountains, because they know that proximity is necessary for your survival.  They will remind you that they want absolutely nothing from you, only to pour out goodness, kindness, and love onto you. 

This chapter taught me that my body is not what it used to be.  This chapter came with lots of titanium and an allergy to Vancomycin.  It also brought a revelation that my body can be completely shutting down from infection in my blood, my white blood cell count will never change, and I will not run a fever.  This chapter also taught me that Infectious Disease Docs, and Neurosurgeons, find my body very curious.

This chapter showed me the importance of true self care.  Knowing what feeds my soul and doing more of that.  It taught me that I still have a lot of healing to do.  Especially in areas that I thought had been healed long ago.  It taught me that I want to do the hard and holy work of digging out the roots and exposing things to light so that I can work through them.  I want to continue to try to bring my best self into whatever the next chapter holds.  I have also learned that this healing must come in small doses.  As I learn new things about the way that brain stores trauma, and poke at the things that hurt, I have to stop and allow my emotions to catch up with my learning.  I have also learned that I have to have grace when that healing comes with some setbacks.  It's a process.  If anything, this chapter has taught me to trust the process.

This chapter taught me to take life one day a time, and sometimes one hour.  If I allow myself to get too far ahead, my computer brain tries to think of all the scenarios and figure out the what ifs.  That's exhausting and I am learning to let God hold on to my tomorrows.

As this chapter has been drawing to a close, it has taught me to embrace all that has happened.  God has a purpose and a plan for all of it.  The truth is, our life is a story that He is writing. He holds the pen and He gets to decide when it's time to move the story along.  I had been dreading the ending, but He has helped me to see that the story is still being written.  I don't know if the next chapter will introduce new characters or a changing and growing of the existing characters.  Perhaps halfway through this next chapter, God will holler down from Heaven "PLOT TWIST" and we will anxiously wait to see what He has in store.  

What I knew more than anything, on this very day, was that I wanted to end the chapter with the person I began it with...and so we did.  We sat together while this chapter ended and as God began writing the story of the next chapter, we held so incredibly tightly to the good.  We get to choose what we remember. 💜

What Do You Want Me To Do For You?

We have been talking about planning a family vacation to South Dakota.  Mom wants to take a road trip and after her accident, she isn't sure she could make it alone.  As we've been planning, Josh reminded me about the last time the three of us took a vacation together.  I clearly remember sitting on the ground near the exit to Disney World.  I had called my friend Beth on the phone and said, "If I ever, and I mean ever, tell you that I am going on vacation with my mom, remind me of this day."  Well, Beth is no longer with us, so Josh reminded me instead.  

I've spent some time in the last few weeks reflecting on that trip to Disney World and what it was that made it so awful.  We aren't sure of exactly how long it's been but we figure it's close to at least 17 years.  Mom had been recently diagnosed with a neurological condition that was causing some mobility issues.  We had gone to Mayo, which was less than helpful.  They weren't sure exactly what was happening to Mom or how quickly it would progress.  So, Mom wanted to take Josh to Disney World before she got too sick to go.  She purchased a mobility scooter and off we went.  Mom was fairly new to riding around on a scooter, and I was fairly new to her not being able to do everything for herself.  I spent a lot of the trip hollering at her to "look out" for people who she tried to run over with her scooter.  I also spent most of the trip trying to anticipate her every need.  I would grab an arm and help her in and out of the rides.  I would ask her a thousand times a day if she was okay or needed anything. I was being "helpful".  For some reason, Mom's attitude became worse and worse throughout the day.  She kept getting short with me and snapping at me for no reason.  I really started resenting her attitude and communication became increasingly difficult.  The last and final straw was a stubborn argument where she refused to follow me to the exit and told her I would just meet her there.   After sitting on the ground for over an hour (and calling Beth), I finally went looking for her and a screaming match ensued.  

In the car, on the way to dinner, she kept trying to talk to me and I kept telling her, "I have no interest in anything you have to say and please stop talking to me."  I must've said that like 20 times.  We got to the Denny's and I was in the bathroom washing my hands when my Mom walked up behind me and angrily said, "I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and if I need your help, I will ask for it."  I was so incredibly angry that she said that to me.  I was so worn out from doting over her all day and now she was trying to make me feel bad for it.   However, looking back I can see that Mom was just getting used to not being able to do things for herself, and my constant "helping" was making her feel helpless.  

Why am I telling you this story?  Probably because God has a funny way of circling me back to the past to teach me lessons in the here and now.  God has been revealing to me in the last few months that I still have a lot of things to work on.  I have patterns of behavior that are so ingrained in me that I don't even realize what I'm doing.   Those patterns didn't come about because I'm a horrible person, they came about because I have lived a hard life and my body and mind has done what was necessary for my survival.  That doesn't mean I am stuck that way.  I am making the choice to learn what I can to break out of those habits, patterns, and mindsets.

We discussed in my last blog post that I realize that I am a codependent.  The more that I study and learn, the more I realize where I need to improve.  One of those areas is my need to be "helpful".  I like to anticipate people's needs and help them with things.   I've always thought that was a good trait to have.  I thought it made people feel loved and like they mattered.  I think it CAN make people feel that way but it can also be taken to the extreme.  When I "help" people do things that they can be or should be doing for themselves, it can make them feel inferior.  It can make them feel like I don't value their abilities.  This has come up in personal relationships and work relationships.  

Recently, something went haywire with someone's authorizations at work. I had been working with our Admin Director and she saw the same thing with this person's user account.  I sent her a message that said, "Can you reset all of the authorizations?"  She did, but she also came back to me later and asked me if I really thought that she would see that the authorizations had failed and not take the action to resolve them.  In my head, I was trying to be "helpful", making sure that everything got resolved, but to her, it made it seem like I doubted her ability to recognize a problem and resolve it.  It was very eye opening and I am so glad she felt comfortable enough with me to address the way that I made her feel.  

Not only does my need to "help" cause others to feel some kind of way, it is very detrimental to me as well.  Trying to anticipate the needs of others is exhausting.  You are always looking at every input from the person, trying to figure out what it could mean.  Then you go out of your way to "do" or "be" what you think the other person needs/wants.  When they come back to you with frustration, you get angry that they don't appreciate all of the "helping" that you've been doing.  I mean..think about it...you are getting angry for not being appreciated for doing something that they never asked you to do in the first place.  Another problem is that trying to "be" and "do" everything for everybody leaves you feeling like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.  God is showing me that the weight was never mine to carry in the first place.

The hardest lesson for me to learn is that I don't have all the answers.  A friend told me the other day that analytical helpers, like me, are the worst kind because we are arrogant enough to believe that we know what is best for other people.  Ouch!  That hit really close to home.  I found so much truth in those words.  When I stepped back and analyzed a few of my relationships, I could see how right he was.  I can only decide what is best for me.  I have no idea what is best for anyone else or what others might find "helpful."

As I've been reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, I came across these words.  "Jesus helped many people, but He was honest and straightforward about it.  He didn't persecute people after He helped them.  And He asked them what they wanted from Him.  Sometimes He asked why, too."

God keeps bringing to my mind the story of Blind Bartimaeus in Mark 10. The blind man ran to Jesus and Jesus turned to him and said, "What do you want me to do for you?"  Jesus could easily see that Bartimaeus was blind and He could probably conclude that Bartimaeus wanted to see.  And yet, Jesus still asked the question.  If Jesus thought it was important to ask, perhaps it's something that I need to think about as well.

I am trying to learn to ask, "How can I best support you right now?" or "Do you need my help/advice with this situation or did you just want to talk through it with me?"  I am not going to get it right all the time but I am recognizing the need for a change in this area.  I am praying that God will continue to reveal to me when my helping is hurting.  In the meantime, I'm going to keep practicing.

The Operating Table

Hi!  My name is Holly and I am a codependent.  This is nothing new.  I'm pretty sure that I came out of the womb as a codependent.  

A few years ago, I was talking with a friend about a struggle that someone in my life was having.  He said to me, "Holly, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to leave them on the operating table."  When God wants to work and move in someone's life, sometimes He has to put them on the operating table.  He has to dig into old wounds and clean them out.  He has to transplant in new thoughts or ideas.  Sometimes, He has to break a stony heart.  The surgery that God does on someone is painful for them, but it is also painful for me.  I am an empath and I feel things very deeply.  It is incredibly hard for me to watch someone go through a hard thing.  I want to fix it.  I want to make things better or easier.  I want to take the burden.  However, it is best for the person, if I can trust God enough to leave them on the operating table.

I have been practicing this concept of leaving people on the operating table for the past three years.  It's incredibly hard.  In the last year, I have had to practice A LOT.  Recently, God keeps using my own surgery experience to reflect on this concept.  I desperately needed spine surgery.  I had been in pain and suffering for a long time.  I needed to get on that operating table.  If anyone who truly loved me, could have seen what I was enduring on that operating table, they would have pulled me off of it.  As they saw the drill shatter my vertebrae, they would have decided the surgeon didn't know what he was doing.  They would have stopped the surgery.  As the surgeon burned through the first drill, and grabbed the second, they would have decided that it was all too much for me to endure. They would have stopped the surgery.  The thing is, though, I needed the surgery.  It didn't matter how bad things looked, I needed every ounce of what the surgeon was doing.  I am almost 6 months out from surgery and I am walking pain free.  I am healthier than I've been in a very long time.  I actually want to get out and move.  I am so grateful for this body that will move when I ask it to.  If anyone would have pulled me off the operating table...I wouldn't be enjoying the beautiful result of all that pain.

In this season, there are still people in my life that are going through really hard times.  I have been so proud of myself because I've been fighting off the urge to remove them from the operating table.  I know that the pain is necessary for their healing.  However, God convicted me last weekend.  He showed me that while I am willing to leave the person on the operating table, I am still standing right next to Him shouting orders into His ear while He's operating.  I am watching the Master Physician do what He is trained to do and my arrogant self thinks that I should tell Him what I think He's doing wrong.  Not only am I giving Him directions, occasionally, I like to grab His arm and "help."  He finally said, "Enough!!  Get out of my operating room so I can do what I came here to do."

I was sharing this revelation with a friend and she said something that hit me with the truth so hard that I could barely breathe.  She said, "Holly, not only do you need to get out of that operating room, there is a table in OR2 waiting just for you."  As soon as the words came out of her mouth, I knew they were true.  Over the past month, God had been revealing areas in my own life that He needed to work on.  I had been so focused on what He was doing in other people that I lost site of all that still needs to be healed in me.  

So, I am willingly climbing onto the table in OR2.  I wish that God would give us some Propofol and knock us out so we don't have to feel the pain of the surgery....but He promises to comfort us during the process.  

Is there someone that you need to leave on the operating table?  Is there an OR table with your name on it?  Are you willing to let God do what He needs to do in yourself and others?  If my own surgery is any indication, I promise it will be worth it.

Dust

 I was recently reading a book by Lysa TerKeurst and it had a chapter titled "Dust."  I thought it was an odd title for a chapter in a book.  I surely wasn't prepared for how the chapter was going to make me feel.

Lysa wrote about how there are times in our lives that we are broken.  We feel the big chunks of life fall to the ground.  Nothing feels the same.  In the moment that this kind of breaking happens, we look at all of the pieces on the ground and wonder how we'll survive it.  When I look back and try to picture a season in my life when I experienced this type of breaking, I think of my job in Florida.  I had relocated down there, for what seemed like, the ideal job situation.  Within two years, the company began to downsize and I was let go just three weeks before facing my first spine surgery.  I looked at the ginormous pieces of wreckage and thought that it would be my downfall.  I have found, though, with this type of breaking, you can eventually pick up these big pieces of your life and glue them back together.  Yes, things look different than they did before the breaking, but you find a way to get on with life.  I've always tried to look at it like putting a stained glass window together.  The picture looked one way before it was dropped on the ground, and maybe you form a different picture when you put it back together this time.  Either way, the light is getting through and you start to feel whole again.

The kind of breaking that Lysa is talking about in her book is a completely different kind of breaking.  It's the kind where you don't feel broken, you feel shattered.  Shattered into a gazillion tiny pieces where nothing is recognizable any more.  The kind of shattering where all that is left is dust.  There are no pieces left to pick up  and put back together.  As I was reading Lysa describe the dust, I felt it at a soul level.  

Lysa writes,"We think the shattering in our lives could not possibly be for any good.  But what if shattering is the only way to get dust back to its basic form so that something new can be made?"  She goes on to write about all the ways in the Bible that dust was used for good.  She does a fantastic job of illustrating how God can mix our dust with water and make clay.  With that clay in HIS hands, He can shape the thing that was shattered into something new.  That really resonated with me.  I have been thinking on and praying about this concept of dust for over a week.  Last night, God gave it so much more meaning to me than the potter's clay.

As I was laying in bed, all I could think about was the dust.  God brought to my mind a conversation I had with someone  the year that my brother died.  He was an organ donor, although it took them so long to get him out of his car, that his organs weren't viable.  We gave them permission to take anything they could use.  That December, we were invited to a candlelight vigil that was being hosted by the Midwest Transplant Network.  It was hard, but Mom and I felt like we owed it to Bob to go.  We heard story after story of people who explained where their loved ones organs had gone and the impact it had made.  While it had been almost nine months since Bob's death, we had never heard anything about who had received his heart valve, or his eyes.  We approached one of the staff and asked how we could find out.  She was shocked that we didn't know and vowed to get us the information we were looking for.  While we had her cornered, my mom asked her a question that I will never forget.  Mom said, "What happened to his bones?" 

When we told them they could take anything they could use, that's exactly what they did.  They had taken all of the bones out of my brother's arms and legs.  We had always wondered what they did with them.  This nice lady explained to us that if the bones are particular size, they may keep the bones whole in case someone needs a bone transplant.  However, most of the time, they grind the bones down to DUST.  We asked the obvious follow-up question, "What do you do with bone dust?"  

She explained that when someone has a serious facial injury, the plastic surgeon will take the bone dust and make a bone graft out of it and use it to sculpt the person's face back to a more regular shape.  The bone clay then dries out and the person is left with something resembling what was there before.  I remember, 22 years ago, thinking that was the coolest thing I'd ever heard.  

Obviously, I would have never wished for Bob to die in that car accident.  Unfortunately, I had no control over that situation.  It does my heart good, however,  to think about how God took the dust that was created from that loss and used it to improve the lives of so many people.  I mean, Bob was 6'4", that was a lot of bone dust. 

There are so many parallels between my current dust storm and the dust storm that almost destroyed me in 1998.  I would never have wished for this season of dust either.  I am waiting with an eager anticipation to see what God is going to make out of it.  He keeps giving me glimpses of what He's working on.  No matter what it is that He is sculpting out of the dust, I truly believe that it will be more beautiful and holy than anything I could've imagined before the shattering.  

2021 Word for the Year

In early December, 2019, I started formulating a plan in my head for what I thought 2020 would look like.  I figured that Bree and I would settle into married life.  I would go see a doctor about my back and finally do something about this chronic pain.  I thought my company would finally get the new software out into the world.  I expected to knock a few more states off of the "places I've been" map.  I had high expectations.  By the time January 1, 2020 hit, I already knew that 2020 was going to look nothing like I had planned.

Here is the Cliff's notes version of how 2020 actually went.

Dec 22, 2019 - My mom had a horrifying car accident that should've taken her life.  Instead, it took her foot completely off her leg.  Helping Mom through five months of surgeries, physical therapy, and waiting for the bone to heal changed up how I thought I was going to start the year. However, I was right where I was supposed to be.

My first meeting with the surgeon's office proved that I definitely needed spine surgery but I was going to have to lose another 30 more pounds first.  Just another delay in surgery.  Good thing I had already gotten a jump start on my weight loss by then.

Covid locked down any potential of knocking states off the map.  Several trips had to be cancelled, including one I was excited about to finally knock some of the New England states off my list.

My company did a great job of keeping its head above water but we are still working to release our new software to the public.  Covid has been a blessing and a curse for us.

My marriage couldn't handle the stress of all that 2020 brought to it.  We spent months in prayer, and counseling.  We separated in September.  It isn't what I wanted but it's where God has us right now. The details are ours.  Please don't pry or ask or push, even out of sincere concern.  Please don't blow up our phone and inboxes and DMs (or our friends').  Just hold us close to your heart in great love and pray for us whenever we come to mind.  Bree and I still care very deeply for each other and we are trusting God for whatever the future holds for us.

I ended up having that spine surgery in September, and if anything COULD go wrong, it DID.  The surgery didn't quite go to plan as my hard bones didn't want to cooperate with the drill. I scored a back brace that I am still wearing today.  I finally got strong enough to go home, only to find myself back in the hospital, a week later, with a blood clot and staph infections of multiple varieties.   They finally got me stable enough to go home, only to find out just a bit later that I can now add Vancomycin to my known allergies list.

Whew....I know....2020 was A LOT!!!

As you can imagine, when the year was drawing to a close, I had quite a bit of reflecting to do about 2020.  The first thing I did was try to find the positives.

I started the year trying to eat healthy but having a surgeon tell you that your spine might fall of itself is a very motivation weight loss tool.  I ended the year 94lbs lighter.  Don't mind that steep jump there in September.  That's when I tried to die.

I believe that I had the best surgeon on the planet working on my spine.  The issues that Dr. Rhee ran into had nothing to do with his expertise.  It had everything to do with my anatomy.  He fought through every obstacle during surgery, and there were many.  He never gave up.  Even after a 3 1/2 hour surgery became an 8 hour surgery, he stuck with me.  His P.A. Tracy Wheeler has also been a straight up blessing to me.  She believed in me from the moment that we met.  She has been kind and compassionate, even when I've cried over having to be in this brace a little longer.

Dr. Somayaji, Infectious Disease, handled that bacteria like a boss.  She showed it no mercy.

Bree sat at the hospital for 8 grueling hours during my surgery, providing everyone else updates along the way, even when the updates weren't really easing her mind.  All throughout my recovery, Bree continued to show up.  God seemed to work it out that on every hard day, Bree was there.  When I struggled through my first shower at home. When I went in for a routine follow up and ended up being re-admitted.  When the original MRSA diagnosis came.  When the dark cloud of depression started closing in on me, she was the one sitting by my side, holding my hand, pointing me back to my faith in God.   Reminding me of all that God had brought me through already.

Mom showed up for me in big and small ways. Our relationship has grown stronger through all of the trials of the year.

I had friends and neighbors show up for me in 2020, in ways that I didn't even know was possible. Friends talking me through the best in skilled nursing facilities for Mom.  Friends driving a long way and paying for a hotel so that I could sit with them and cry.  Friends stopping their lives to come take care of me after surgery.  Friends sleeping upright next to me on the couch to make sure I didn't stop breathing in the middle of the night. Friends offering to help clean or prepare meals.  Neighbors raking up the leaves in my yard.  Friends providing me a retreat on their deck so that I could simply figure out how to breath again.  I  received thousands of texts of encouragement in 2020.  Not to mention the prayers.  Oh, how I know that I am only upright because of all of the prayers.

Speaking of prayers, that has been a huge change for me towards the end of 2020.  I read the book "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson.  It was exactly what I needed.  I have been praying circles since then.  My prayers have become more intentional and more focused.  

The biggest positive has to do with my relationship with God. Everything in 2020 was so uncertain that I had no choice but to rely on God to get me through.  He pulled me in so close to Him. When I was lonely, I turned to Him for comfort.  It's seems crazy, but in this year of so much hurt, I finally realized how much God loves me.  His love for me is something I've struggled with my entire life.  I recently came across a blog post I wrote in 2016 that talks about that struggle.  You can read it here.  

I left 2020 knowing that God could be trusted.  He truly loves me, even when His guidance and direction brings pain.  I have said to Him a million times, "God, I don't know what you are doing, but I trust you."  I know that whatever He is doing, is ultimately for my good, and His glory.  I know it...deep down on the inside of me.  

So....what does all of this have to do with my word for the year?  Every year, I try to take some time and ask God what He wants for me in the year ahead.  What word can I take into the New Year that will help me to stay focused on the road He would have me walk?  At first, I thought my word for 2021 was going to be "unshakeable".  I have been praying for several years for God to make me unshakable.  That when hard times hit, I will be unmoved.  I think He is still working on that but I kept getting the sense there was something else for me.  He did give me the word thrive so I continued to pray into that one.  I think He was showing me that thrive is to be a "lifetime" word and not a word of the year.  He made it clear that I have spent most of my life simply surviving.  He wants more for me.  He wants me to have a life that thrives.  

I felt another word stirring inside of me.  Yesterday, I went for a walk in a rose garden with God.  I needed His peace to fill me up.  As we walked, I talked to Him about my 2020 and asked Him to confirm the word that I thought He was showing me.  I kept walking, and my Spotify shuffled onto "Gracefully Broken" by Tasha Cobbs Leonard. At the beginning of the song, she is talking.  She talks about how when God breaks you, He doesn't hurt you...He doesn't destroy you.  He does it with grace.  When I heard those words, I thought back to 2020 and all of the breaking that was done so gracefully.  So much of it could've, and maybe should've, destroyed me.   She kept singing and the words "Here I am, God - arms wide open" came out of her mouth.  Anyone walking by would have wondered who that crazy lady was who was sobbing in the rose garden with her arms in the air.  The more she sang, the more confirmation came.  My word for 2021 was "surrender."  Since God is so good, and He wanted me to be sure, He made sure the next song to shuffle through was "My Life is in Your Hands" by Kirk Franklin.  When it started, I simply laughed out loud and said, "I got it, God."

I've had this bad habit lately of praying for what I want, justifying it with James 4:2 which says, "You have not, because you ask not."  However, God showed me that I was trying to control Him with my prayers.  I would pray things like, "make this person read this scripture and make it convict them." or "God, bring money into our company in this way."  God has asked me to surrender those types of prayers.  It is okay for me to pray for someone to be healed, or for provision for our company, or for my marriage to be restored.  It is not okay for me to tell God how to go about doing it.  I need to release control (as if I have any anyway).

That is what God is asking of me in 2021.  To abandon myself.   To continue to stay ever so close to Him.  To listen to His direction and guidance for every single step.  To rely on Him for the strength to move forward every day.  To seek comfort from Him when I'm overwhelmed. He knows the wants and desires of my heart.  He is asking me to surrender my thoughts, hopes, and ideas of how He should go about making those wants and desires come true. 

What is God asking of you in 2021?  I would love to hear about it and pray with you for His will to be accomplished.

Praying in the Hallway

In 2 Kings Chapter 4 there is a story of Elisha taking a trip to Shunem.  There was a super nice lady that lived there who urged him to stay for a meal.  Elisha made it a point that, whenever he travelled to Shunem, he stopped by to eat.   The Shunammite woman recognized that Elisha was a holy man. She talked to her husband about making a room for him, so that he would have some place to stay when he came for a visit.

Elisha was so grateful for her hospitality that he asked her what he could do for her.  She was like, "Nah...I'm good."  So Elisha asked his servant and he explained that the Shunammite's husband was old and she had no son.  So Elisha told her that at the same time next year, she would hold a son in her arms.  She was like, "Nope, don't you lie to me if it's not going to happen."  Sure enough, she became pregnant and a year later she gave birth to a son.

One day her son was out working in the field with his dad and his head started to hurt.  Dad was like, "Take him to his mom."  The boy sat on her lap and died.  She took him up and laid his lifeless body on the bed in Elisha's room.  She immediately called for a donkey so she could go see Elisha.  I'm sure she had plenty she wanted to say to him. When he saw her coming, Elisha sent his servant to ask if she was alright.  She said, "Everything is alright."  At first, I was trying to figure out why she told him she was alright when it was clear that she wasn't.  Then I realized that I don't always tell everyone when I'm not alright.  (Also, I'm alright-ish)

Anywho...when she got to Elisha, she gave him a little 'what for'.  "Did I ask you to give me a son? Didn't I tell you not to let me get my hopes up???"  Oh, how I feel her emotion.  She never asked for a son but this man of God had given her one.  She had asked him not to get her hopes up.  This sounds like a woman who was used to being hurt.  She was used to being  let down.  She had learned not to get too attached to anything that sounded too good to be true.  When she became pregnant and had her son, she must've thought...finally.  Finally, it's my turn to have some joy in my life.  It's my turn for things to work out,  Then...the unthinkable happens.    Her precious son, a gift from the Lord, dies on her lap.  I can feel the heartbreak.

Elisha tried to send his servant to go heal the boy but the Shunammite woman wasn't having it.  She said, "I'm not leaving."  So, Elisha got up and went with her.  When Elisha got to her house, he saw the boy lying dead.  He went into the room where the boy was and SHUT THE DOOR.  He left that poor woman standing out in the hallway.  Can you imagine?  She had no idea what was happening on the other side of the door.  She didn't know what this man of God was doing.  Her precious son was dead and she was left all alone...to wait.

There are several situations that have happened in 2020 that have me feeling the way that I imagine the Shunnamite woman must have felt.  I started off shaking my fist at God asking Him, "Didn't I tell you not to let me get my hopes up?"  I hope you all know that God can handle it when you shake your fist at Him.  God has met me right in the midst of my hurt and frustration.  He has walked right into the middle of these situations and shut the door behind Him.  God is fully capable of revealing His plan to me.  He could show me how He is going to work things out for my good and His glory.   He has chosen not to.  He is asking me to trust Him, even when I cannot see.  He is asking me to pray, fervently, during my time in the hallway.  He is using my time in the hallway, not just to change the situations, but to change me.  

God has been faithful enough to crack the door open from time to time, so that I can get the tiniest glimpse of the work that He is doing on the other side of the door.  He whispered to me this morning that I only have eyes to see through the crack in the door because of my closeness to Him.  

Does God have you in the hallway?  Has He shut the door in your face while He works out things on the other side?  I have some good news for you.  Elisha brought back to life what was on the other side of the door. Had the woman been watching, the way Elisha went about it wouldn't have made any sense.  Sometimes the way God goes about working in our lives doesn't make sense either, but He promises that it will always be for our good.  

Trust Him...and while you wait...pray in the hallway.

Let Peace Set the Pace

Life is hard right now.  So many things in my life feel upside down.  There is so much uncertainty for the future and I have been struggling.   Back in early September, a pastor had a Word for me and that Word has served me well.  He said, "God is showing me that there is a peace in you that He is wanting to be your rhythm.  Let peace be your pace, let peace be your state."  I have come back to that Word over and over again.  When I first heard it, I summarized it into, "Let peace be the rhythm, let peace set the pace."  

God has been working on me since last December to take things one day at a time.  When I start thinking too far ahead, the peace disappears.  The truth is that I really have no idea what the future holds.  We can guess; we can hope; we can plan, but none of us really know.  I can bet that no one predicted the dumpster fire that 2020 turned into. I remember that God is asking me to take things one day at a time, and the peace returns.

When I start trying to do things on my own, or to take matters into my own hands, I start to lose my peace.  I am a person who is used to taking charge.  When situations come up, I handle them.  I think that I know best what to do.  Yet, I have no peace.  God nudges me and say, "Let Me Do It," which is a blog post for another day. When I surrender control back to Him, the peace returns.

Several years ago, a holistic doctor taught me how to "listen" to my body when it came to how my body reacted to food.  If I pay close attention, I can determine which foods make my body hurt and which foods give my body energy.  It has taken a lot of practice, but I've really started to figure this body out.  

God is showing me, now, that if I listen my spiritual body, it will also tell me how it's doing.  When I start to feel the peace slipping away, and anxiety and unsettledness slipping in, I am learning to pause and try to figure out what I'm trying to do in my own power.  Am I trying to analyze every input to try to determine the future?  Am I worrying about things I have no control over?  Am I letting the enemy lie to me?  When these things happen, I turn my eyes to Jesus, I remember His promises to me, and I surrender it all to Him again, and again, and again.  It takes practice.  It's hard.  It's worth it.  

Think about your own life in this current season.  Are you letting peace set the pace?  Ask God to show you what areas you need to surrender to Him so that He can keep you centered in His perfect peace. 

Of course, there is a song that has been speaking to me in this season.  It's called Missing Peace by JJ Heller.  Have a listen, it will remind you that no matter what you are facing, He is your missing peace.

He Sees Around the Corner

 As part of the healing process for my spine, I am supposed to walk as much as I can tolerate.  As part of the healing process for the emotional upheaval that 2020 has brought me, I walk as much as I can tolerate.   We have been blessed with some beautiful weather in Kansas City, considering that it's November.  In light of that, I have been taking every opportunity to walk outside.  

When I walk, I put in my headphones and turn on some sort of worship music in my ear.  I saw a post on Instagram the other day that said, "I like my Jesus music at a volume where I can't hear the enemy."  It was funny because it's true.  While the loud music drowns out the enemy, God can still whisper straight to my heart.  Funny how that works.

On one recent day, I was walking and talking to God about all the uncertainty in my life.  Nothing that 2020 has brought me makes any sense.  I keep saying to Him, "God, I don't know what you are doing, but I trust You."  I do trust Him.  For the first time in my life, I truly trust that whatever He is doing, is for my good, and His glory.   As I was walking, and asking for answers, I saw this path ahead of me.

God gently whispered, "You can't see around the corner from here, but I can. You just have to trust that what's around the corner is exactly what you need for now."   It reminded me of all of the analogies I've heard over the years about how God sees the whole movie or the whole parade. It was a great reminder that God knows what's next.  It isn't a surprise to Him.  I was feeling God's peace until I got around that corner and saw this...

Then I was like, "You're funny God.  This is how my life always goes.  I feel like you tell me to just be patient, that answers will come when I get around the next corner, but it seems like every time I come around the corner.....there is just another corner that I can't see around."  God ever so gingerly whispered into my spirit, "It's because I am teaching you to trust me through every twist and turn.  No matter what comes, I know what lies ahead."  

I kept praying and walking and praising and walking.  I am so thankful for all that God has brought me through.  I am so grateful that He has been so close to me this year.  He is changing my mindset and changing my prayers...and changing me in the process.  As I rounded the last corner of the trail, I saw this sight...and I laughed.  

I didn't even wait for God to whisper to me.  I just looked up at the sky, laughed, and said, "I know God...when the path You have me on doesn't even look like a clear path exists....trust You in those times too."  

I can't close out a blog post without a song...okay...I could...but why would I want to.  This song has been on a regular rotation for close to 10 years.  So you'll see, the recent lesson on the trail wasn't a new one for me.  I just need a reminder.  From this One Place by Sara Groves

Storms Never Stop But Neither Do Rainbows

 2020 has been incredibly hard for so many people that I love.  There has been so much loss, so much grief, so much anxiety, so many challenges, so many questions, way too many storms.  I haven't been spared either.  2020 has been harder on me than any other year I've ever faced, including 1998 which, up until now, held the record for hardest year ever.

This year has been a year of storms for me.  Some I've been very public about and some I've held close to my chest.  Anyone who follows me on Facebook knows that my mom had a horrible car accident in December which resulted in my entire life being turned upside down for five months while she was bedridden.  As soon as I got her settled, the process of getting my back fixed began.  I had to lose 25lbs in order to even speak to the surgeon about doing a surgery that I so desperately needed.  If you think being told that you have to lose weight isn't a storm, then you obviously have never had to give up queso for months.  So many of you prayed me through surgery, and all of the complications that came with it.  I wasn't prepared for a shattered vertebrae, a leg that was dead with no feeling, smaller screws, and a back brace.  I definitely wasn't prepared for the blood clot and blood infection that came just two weeks later.  None of this was made any easier by Covid.  

What an incredibly difficult year, for me, and for so many others.  I want to share what kept going through my head during those difficult days in the hospital.  It was something I heard on a show. When I heard it, I paused the screen and rewound it to make sure I heard it correctly.  A lady turned to her friend and asked, "Do the storms ever stop coming?" Her friend looked up at her and said, "No, but neither do the rainbows."   I was smack dab in the middle of a huge storm in my life and those words hit me to my very core.  

I realized the truth of those words.  I thought back to all of the storms I've faced in my life, and there have been plenty.  God was always right there.  He walked me through them, even when I couldn't see Him, or couldn't feel Him.  When I looked back, I could see His fingerprints all over the things that had happened in the midst of those storms.  

When we are in the middle of the storm, all we can see is the chaos swirling around us.  All we can feel are the stirred up emotions.  All we can hear is the wind whipping around us, threatening to knock us completely off of our feet.  In the midst of the storm....we often can't see Him.  Things are too dark and stormy.  I think in the middle of those storms, the enemy sends his minions to distort our thoughts.  The enemy uses those storms to try to convince us that if God truly loved us, He wouldn't let us suffer this way.  I know that I've been a victim of this thinking, but not anymore.  God has sealed the truth of His love for me down deep inside my heart.    

If you are currently in the middle of a storm, I want to encourage you.  This storm will pass.  The wind and the rain will die down and if you look up, you will see the rainbow that always comes after the storm.  Storms don't last forever.

I held tightly to this truth while my body worked to fight off the infection that was trying to kill me.  I hold tightly to it now, while God is working in other areas of my life.  I prefer not to go through the storms, but God always uses them to mold and shape me into who He needs me to be.  It reminds me of a blog post I wrote a few years ago about how dark times are like a dark room.  You can read it by clicking here.  

If you've been around for a while, you also know that God speaks to me through music.  I recently heard "Walk in the Valley" by Ross King,  and it's a reminder that the storms drive me into a deeper grace.  Click on the song title and go have a listen.  I'm sure the song will bless you too.

Have faith in the storm, my friends.  The rainbow is on it's way.  

BUT, I love you

There was a Facebook post recently that questioned some mainstream thinking along theological lines.  There was some back and forth but it was this comment from an acquaintance that stuck in my gut,  "But I love people too much to allow them to believe lies that will cost them for an eternity.  Love tells the truth even when it's hard or hurts."  I have been wrestling with why it affected me so much.  I will do my best to put words to my feelings here.

There is not one Christian denomination that does not believe that God is LOVE.  You will hear it from every pulpit, regardless of doctrine or theology.  What I have found is that "love" means something different to each of them.  

Recently, "love" has looked like me being told that while the pastor loves my spirit and my heart for worship and prayer and that he loves that I sit in the front row and participate with my whole heart....and that I'm a blessing..... I will never be allowed to become a member of his church or serve in any official capacity.  

Recently, "love" has looked like being asked to leave a prayer group because it made the other members uncomfortable to pray with me now that it's obvious I don't believe the way they do.  It's not that I've stopped believing in Jesus, I've just stopped agreeing with all of the doctrines of the "church."  

Recently, "love" has looked like being told that - in the eyes of God- I will never be married.

This "love" has been extremely hurtful.  Every single person who has "loved" me in this way has gone out of their way to say, "BUT, I love you," which some how makes their actions seem okay in their eyes.  That kind of love feels nothing like the love that I feel from Jesus.

Love doesn't cast out.  Love doesn't push aside.  Love doesn't make others feel like less than.

Love is  patient
Love is kind
Love does not envy
Love does not boast
Love is not proud
Love does not dishonor others
Love is not self-seeking

Love is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth
Love protects
Love trusts
Love hopes
Love perseveres

If your actions and your attitude towards others don't line up with these things...it probably doesn't feel very loving to the person who is on the receiving end.

But Holly....we are sharing the truth "in love".  Here's the truth...the Bible is the LIVING word of God.  You can read a scripture in January that the Holy Spirit will use to speak right to where you are walking and then read the same scripture again in August and the Holy Spirit will use it to speak a different truth.  Same scripture - different truths.

The Bible was used for decades to justify slavery.  The Bible was then used for decades to justify banning interracial marriage.  The Bible is currently being used to justify the way homosexuals are being treated in society.

I have spent twenty years digging into scripture.  I have read numerous commentaries from those who are certain homosexuality is a sin and from those who are certain it isn't.  It is amazing how many different interpretations you can find on just one verse of scripture.   How do we know who is right and who is wrong?  We don't.  We must take it to the Holy Spirit who has been given to us, to guide and direct us on our walk.  We must pray for wisdom and discernment.  This is really all any of us can do.

What I struggle with is those who are 100% certain of their rightness--that their interpretation of the scripture is the only truth.  I am not 100% certain of my rightness and my beliefs have changed and grown.  God knows when I am ready to stretch Him outside of the box that I've put Him in.  I have found that those who are so certain can only come to the conclusion if I don't agree with them, that I am listening to the enemy...or my feelings...or my flesh...or my emotions...or "the world"...or Jen Hatmaker... and letting them dictate "truth" in my life.  It can't possibly be that I have diligently studied the scripture and come to a different conclusion than them.

But Holly....I love you too much to let you keep sinning without pointing out your sin.  I am glad that you love me and thank you for your concern.  You have pointed out that you think I'm sinning.  I don't believe it's sin.  Now, where do we go from here?   Can you treat me the way that you do every other sinner in your life....so basically...everyone?  Does agreeing to disagree have to lead to separation?   Even if you are right, why does my sin exclude me from basic rights and inclusion, when yours doesn't?

I have spent twenty years remaining silent.  I have played by "the rules."  I became someone that I wasn't in an attempt to "fit in" with the church.  I let pastors and mentors speak "truth" to me about who I had to be and how I had to act in order to be "right" with the Lord.  Anyone who knows my story knows that I have spent my life in worship, service, and obedience to the Lord.  My eyes are fixed squarely on Jesus, and last I heard....that was the key to my salvation.  God knows my heart and knows that I am doing my best to seek His will for my life...and share His love with the world.   I am a work in progress, and good Lord willing...I will be until the day that I die.

One Day, One Breath, One Prayer at a Time

Empty, angry, frustrated, sad, supported, hated, grieving, hopeful, rejected, lost, loved, questioning, scared, thankful - these are just some of the words that could be used to describe how I felt in 2018.  A long chapter of my life came to an end last year, and as I shut the door behind me, I found myself numb and confused on a path that I never thought I would walk.

In many ways, it feels like God has picked me up and put me back to where I was 15 years ago.  It's like He is giving me a do over.  He has been asking me to finally trust Him.  He wants me to place my entire life in His hands and trust HIM to guide my steps. He has been revealing to me how much of my life has been influenced by the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others.  So many decisions in my life have been an attempt to make others feel better; to make them proud; to fit in; to feel loved; to be enough; to not be too much.  So much so, that along the way, I lost myself.  I lost the person that God had created and redeemed me to be.       

I didn't know what 2018 was going to hold.  So much life change was coming at me so quickly.  I spent a lot of time on my knees, begging God to show me how this was all going to turn out.  I wanted to know that this path I was walking down wasn't going to kill me.  I wanted to know that the pain that I was feeling wouldn't last forever.  I wanted all the answers but God wanted me to trust Him. 

With each step last year, God kept laying it on my heart to "do the next right thing."  He didn't want me worried about what was ahead.  He wanted me to focus on the next step in the process and not think about the millions of other things that would come down the road.  He would give me guidance and direction for the very next step, and nothing more.  I would have to trust that the direction He was guiding me in, was for my good. 

When all of the hurt, struggle, and pain became too overwhelming, God sent me a song.  He knows that one of my love languages is music.  He knew this song would speak to me.  I heard Christa Wells sing at an Ellie Holcomb concert in April.  Her new album had just released and Ellie let her sing her song called Velveteen.  She wasn't even finished singing before I looked her up on Spotify and downloaded her new album.  Later that night, as I was listening through the album, I stumbled across the song One Day  Tears ran down my face as her song put words to what God had been trying to show me. 

I didn't need to try to swallow the ocean.  I just needed to take it one day, one breath, one prayer, one step, and one hope at a time. I have listened to that song at least a thousand times in the past year.  I have shared it with others more times than I can count.  It is a constant reminder for me to not try to get ahead of God and His plans for me.  All I need to do is simply lay my life at His feet every single day.

My favorite part of the song is where she sings:

Oh, I see you laughing on the other side
Where the walls have tumbled and the flowers grow wild
Oh, I see you laughing on the other side
With your broken heart under open sky

It reminded me that life wasn't always going to be this hard.  That the heaviness I was feeling wasn't going to last forever.  If I kept taking it one day, one breath, and one prayer at a time..I was going to come out on the other side.  That I would find joy again.  That I would find laughter.  That I would find happiness. 

I have no idea what 2019 will bring.  I don't need to know.  I will keep my eyes fixed on the One who made me and I will take it one step at a time. I am excited to see where He leads me.

Grieve and Rejoice

As many of you know, God asked me to write a book, but what you may not know is that I finished the first draft in December.  Writing my story was one of the most difficult and most healing things that I've ever done.  You will be hearing a lot more about the book in the very near future as I start the process to prepare it to be self-published.  The book tells the story of how the devil tried to derail my life when I was a child by sending all manner of evil into it; how God used the most tragic day of my life to capture my heart; and how with Jesus...redemption and restoration are possible.

Why am I telling you this today of all days?  Today is the 20th Anniversary of that most tragic day. Today is the day when my very best friend, my brother, was killed in a car accident right in front of me.  He was 26 and I was 22.  He had a full life ahead of him and a precious 2 year old son who needed his daddy.

In "Girl, Wash Your Face", Rachel Hollis talks about her brother's suicide.  She also talks about how weird it is to look back and feel both the sting of the loss and to also see the good that has come as a result.  I loved reading those words from her, as that feeling is all too familiar to me.

See, remembering the loss today is more real and raw than it has been in years.  Perhaps it's because it is so hard to believe that it's been 20 years, or perhaps it's because I just spent most of last year writing about it.  It was incredibly difficult to go back and put myself at the scene of the accident again.  There are no words to describe the anguish I felt as I relived those darkest of days after I lost him, where the emptiness and the hopelessness threatened to consume me forever. 

And yet......

There are also no words for the good it did my heart to go back to that season of life and remember those first audible words I heard the Lord say to me.  I took myself back to the day I laid in the mud in the cemetery and allowed God to comfort my heart in the ways that only He can.  Looking back helped me remember how God took that most tragic day and made so much good come from it.

I miss Bob...I will always miss him.  There will always be an empty Bob sized hole in my heart...and he was a BIG guy...so it's a big hole.  I don't just miss him on March 4th, or October 15th (his birthday), I miss him often.  I am constantly aware of his absence.  When I am going through a rough season, I still wonder what advice he would give to me if I could call him.  When I get to spend time with his son Josh, I wonder how different he would be if he would have grown up with his daddy who loved him beyond  measure.

The accident didn't have to happen for God to capture my soul, but since it did happen...I am  so grateful that God didn't waste the opportunity to grab a hold of me.  It was the promise that I would get to see Bob again in heaven that drew me to God in the first place...little did I know that God had so much more to offer.  I am who I am today because of Jesus.  He has begun a good work in me, and He will be faithful to complete it. 

I know that I have friends that are currently grieving fresh losses of their own.  So much fresher than a 20 year anniversary.  My  prayer is that God will continue to comfort them right where they are, for as long they need to grieve.  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' quote has always resonated with me.  It doesn't matter if it is the one year anniversary or the 20th.....any one who has lost someone they have deeply loved...will never be the same....nor should they want to be. However, I do hope that, in time, they can look back and rejoice in the midst of the grieving.  That they might find the good that has come from that loss.  It might look like loving those left behind a little better.  It might look like speaking things that had been previously left unsaid.  It might look like fighting for a cure....or perhaps...like me....it might look like a life unlike anything you could have dreamed or imagined.

One Cup of Water at a Time

The company that I work for has been struggling financially for a bit of time.  Most of the issues stem from a poor life partner decision by one of the owners that ended up costing the company quite a bit of money.

I believe that this current season is the reason God asked me to take a 70K a year pay cut and come work for this company.  It might also have been to teach me a thing or two about pride, humility, and identity.  God is taking all of the skills that I have learned in my leadership positions over the past 16 years and putting them to good use.  The CEO has empowered me to do what I can to keep the company's head above water until our new software is ready to launch.  I will tell you that it has been a struggle.

I handle all of the finances which means that I decide who is going to get paid and who isn't.  This includes not only our vendors, but our staff as well.  Almost everyone who works for the company are independent contractors so they submit a bill and we have a period of time to pay them.  When I first started working there, we would submit bills on Sunday and we would be paid on Monday.  The time between the billing and the paying kept getting farther and farther apart.  The staff was hurting.

Every day, I would field messages asking when I think this person or that person  might be paid.  I would hear heart wrenching stories about how rent was do in two days, or the lights were going to be shut off tomorrow.  I would look at our accounts, feeling helpless.  I would explain our current situation and then tell me when I thought I would be able to pay them.  I knew that God hadn't given me that weight to carry, but it was weighing on me just the same.

One day, I was driving back from picking Peanut up,  and I was listening to Nichole Nordeman's new album "Every Mile Mattered".  As I was driving, the song Hush, Hush came over the speakers.  It has a very different melody, almost haunting.  So much so that you almost miss the importance of the lyrics....almost.  Sometimes God will just smack you upside the head with some lyrics.

The song was inspired by a book called "How to Survive a Shipwreck" by Jonathan Martin.  It is from the perspective of God talking to someone who has been shipwrecked on an island.

But I love you if they never come

I love you in the scorching sun

One cup of water at a time

'Til you remember you are mine

And I will love you back together

These lyrics jumped right out of the song at me.  I started the song over to listen to them in context.  As I listened to them the second time, I heard God say to me, "One cup of water at a time, Holly.  That is how I am going to provide for the needs of your company.  You don't need to keep worrying and striving.  Lay the needs, as they come, at my feet and I'll provide it.  I need this company to learn to rely on me.  I need them to remember that they are mine."

It was a weight lifted off of my shoulders with that gentle reminder that He is in complete control of the situation that we are facing.  It isn't my job to save the company.  It is His job.  My job is to use the gifts and talents that He has equipped me with to the best of my ability.  He needs to do the rest.

I thought that was the end of the lesson but as I started the song over for the third time, I heard these lyrics:

And I am the storm that swallowed you

I let you bleed, I thought you knew

And I am the bottom, and I am floor

I am the deep you never knew before

I let you sink

And I let you go

But I caught you in the undertow

God made it very clear that He was the reason for the current state of the company.  He had allowed us to get to this very desperate place so that we would have no choice but to rely on Him.  He has used this season to teach us a lot about our priorities.  We have shaped a clearer vision for our future.  We have learned to be better stewards with the money He provides to us.  It has been a hard season, but it hasn't been for nothing.

I shared this "one cup of water" lesson with the team at work.  It is awesome to work for a company where it doesn't seem out of place to share what God is laying on my heart. Once I had shared what I felt God had showed me, He got busy showing off.  Every time someone comes to me with a need and wants to know when they will be paid, I explain that we don't have it but we will pray for the one cup of water to meet their needs.  Time and time again, God meets those needs and in doing so, increases the faith of all of us. 

I don't know what you are going through at the moment.  I don't know if you are walking out a tough season.  I don't know if God wrecked your ship or if someone else did.  What I do know is that God is faithful.  The one cup of water He provides doesn't always look like enough to me.  It may not look like enough to you.  But I promise you, He sees you.  He's got you. 

And I am the shore

And I am the flame

And mercy is My name

Hush, hush

Hush now