Innocent Victim or Willing Participant?

My pastor preached a message a month or two ago and one of the questions he asked has stuck with me.  He asked, "When you think of Jesus coming to earth so that He could redeem us...When you see Him hanging on the cross...Do you see Him as an innocent victim or a willing participant?"  Jesus was most definitely innocent but I like to think that I see Him as a willing participant.  He came to earth knowing full well what the end result would be.  He knew that He was going to be persecuted, beaten, and hung on the cross but He came to the earth anyway.  The pain was worth the result.

This concept keeps mulling around in my head.  Likely because it puts into words something my heart has been feeling for a long time.  As humans, we tend to go through our share of struggles.  Sometimes, when we are in the midst of the storm, it is hard to see Jesus.  It is hard to see that any good can come from what we are walking through.  What if we could see our struggle from God's point of view?  Do you think it would change how we choose to walk through the trial?

As some of you know, at one point in my life I was arrested on a felony fraud charge.  I wasn't guilty, it was all misunderstanding regarding someone else's use of my checkbook.  I ended up spending four days in the county jail before I could stand before a judge.  That was a rough minute in my life. I wasn't convicted but about 10 years later, the arrest was brought up during a licensing process for a company I was working for.  I ended up having to contact the court to get that arrest expunged off of my record.  It was a long drawn out process with a lot of paperwork.  I wasn't sure who to contact for each piece of the puzzle but eventually I got the arrest removed from my record.  I remember, at the time I was going through the expungement, how angry I was that I was having to deal with this issue.  I felt like God had forsaken me and that the devil was trying to use my past against me.

Fast forward a few years and I had become friends with a girl at work.  She had been through trials in her life that I couldn't even begin to imagine.  She had been living with her Mom out of obligation and had finally decided to set some boundaries in her life.  She decided to get her own apartment.  Everywhere she applied, she was rejected because of a felony conviction from long ago.  She was devastated.  She had given her life to Christ and was walking a completely different path but her past was coming back to haunt her.  She confided in me about her struggle and I asked her if she had ever attempted to have her record expunged.  She didn't know what expungement meant.  I was honored and blessed to walk her through the expungement process so that she could get on living the life God was calling her to.  I remember thinking at the time, "Thank you Lord for allowing me to face that battle so that I could be here to help my friend."

I see this type of thing play out over and over again.  My Mom needed to have surgery.  When they were doing her pre-op exams, they thought something was wrong with her heart.  They told her she couldn't have her surgery until she had a heart cath to rule out any issues.  I remember how my Mom came out after the cath very relieved but also very frustrated that they hadn't found anything wrong.  She felt like it had all been a waste of time.  My Mom's friend had driven her to the surgery center and her and my Mom were discussing some issues that she'd been having with her own heart.  My Mom's cardiologist overheard the conversation and interrupted to ask my Mom's friend to go over her symptoms.  The cardiologist told my Mom's friend that it sounded like she had a hole in her heart and to make an appointment.  Sure enough, my Mom's friend went to the cardiologist and ended up having surgery to fix the hole.  She had been dealing with the issue for a very long time and was so happy to finally have an answer/relief.  I remember thinking then...I wonder if someone had said to my Mom, "Hey, there is nothing wrong with your heart but if you spend $100 for a copay and have a heart cath done, your friend will be relieved from years of suffering" would she have chosen to pay the money and go through the hassle?

It sometimes helps me to deal with hard times or things I don't understand.  I take a minute to think of all of the possible good that could come from any given situation and then I ask myself if it would be worth it.  Would it be worth it for me to leave everyone I know and love in Kansas City if it means that God is going to use me to shine His light into some dark places in Florida. Yes!  Would it be worth it for my friend to fight to hang on to a rocky marriage when everything in her wants to run away if it meant that eventually her husband would be delivered from the grips of the devil.  Absolutely!!  It's hard...really hard...when you can't see what God's plan is..so we have to hang on to who we know that He is.

God's word says, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them."(Rom 8:28)  We don't know why He has us face the storms of this life but He promises to make good come from them.  If we can remember that,  is it possible that we can go from innocent victims to willing participants?  Can we stand before God in our times of trial and say, "I don't have one clue why you are allowing this but I know You'll make good come of it so bring it on?"

October 15th

October 15th is one of a handful of days that hurts my heart every year when I see it on the calendar.  Today would have been my brother's 43rd birthday.  As most of you know, my brother was killed in a car accident when he was 26.  Seeing 10/15 come around on the calendar gets a bit easier every year but even now on the 16th occurrence, it still stings....and that's okay.

This morning as I was driving to work, I was reflecting on a conversation I had recently with a group of women that I do Bible study with.  I was talking about one of the moments in my life that changed my walk with God.  There have been several big things that I can point to that changed the way that I looked at my relationship with Jesus.  One was a comparative study between the Bible and the book "The Shack" by Wm. Paul Young.  If you haven't read The Shack...please do.  Another HUGE moment and one I want to expand on today was the time a forgave God.

When I brought the subject up the other night at Bible study, I think I offended a few people who felt it was sacrilegious for me to think that God needed/wanted my forgiveness.  At one time, I was harboring a fair amount of bitterness in my heart about some of the circumstances of my past and bitterness about my brother being ripped away from me.  That bitterness was definitely keeping me from a relationship with God.  I blamed Him.  I knew that God could do ALL things so why didn't choose something different for me?  I was deeply hurt by Him.  So hurt, in fact, that I couldn't see past it to see the most amazingly wonderful things that He'd done in my life.  I was sharing some of this with a coworker who had become a mentor and friend and she asked me if I had forgiven God.  I kind of looked at her crazy and she told me about an experience where she had heard of this concept and followed through with it.  I kind of put the thought aside because I didn't quite know what to do with it.

Several weeks later, I was in physical therapy for my shoulder.  I had done my exercises and they had put me in a room to ice it up.  They were always good about shutting off the lights in case you wanted a nap. :)  I remember being on that table surrounded by the darkness and tears just started falling down my cheeks.  I was completely overwhelmed with life at the time and I couldn't get my emotions under control.  I just remember being angry.  God was working on healing me...but in order to do that..He was pulling out hurts and memories that I wanted to long forget.  That day..on that physical therapy table...I realized what my friend had been talking about.  I was so mad at God for all the things He had done to me or allowed to be done to me and it was affecting my ability to let Him have control of my life.

Does someone have to be guilty for us to forgive them?  Do they have to have committed some sin for us to forgive them?   Forgiveness has everything to do with the person who has been wounded and not the offender.  We all hurt each other all the time even when we are trying to help each other out.  Often times that hurt comes from someone who doesn't live up to your expectations of them.

Benjamin Corey wrote this and it sums it up better than I could:

Sometimes, people will fail to live up to your hopes and expectations.  Even though they're not guilty of doing something wrong in the situation, we are tempted to live with the emotional weight of disappointment and resentment that result from our own lost hope and unfulfilled desires.  In these cases, the only option that allows us to live in freedom, is to forgive the person who disappointed us.  Even when that person is God.    Read more: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/formerlyfundie/forgiving-god/#ixzz3GEZMU0zl

So...there on that physical therapy table...I started whispering to God that I forgave Him.  I forgave Him for not giving me the childhood that I thought I deserved.  I forgave Him for all of the things He had asked me to do that I thought weren't fair. I forgave Him for taking my sweet brother home to live with Him instead of leaving him here to be an awesome Daddy to his boy.  It sounds ridiculous...but my heart changed that day.  I wall that had been blocking me from trusting God came tumbling down.   There are still days when I struggle with what He is asking me to do but it is no longer rooted in disappointments from the past.  

Hear my heart...I am not saying that God has sinned.  It isn't about what God did or didn't do.  It is about the condition of my heart. Just something to think about.  

 I welcome all discussion and your thoughts.  

Nevertheless

Do you know what is really hard to do sometimes??  Getting really honest with the Lord.  I think that all too often we treat God like a Father that we don't want to disappoint.  I don't think that is what He really wants.  We should look at Him like an unconditional Father who will love us no matter what.  (I know that is really hard for some of us that didn't have the best Father figures.)  Time and time again, God asks me to do some pretty tough stuff.  He sometimes asks me to walk a path that makes absolutely no sense to me.  Sometimes that tough stuff is necessary so that He can use it to mold me into who HE wants me to be.  Sometimes I've found that I've got to walk through some tough stuff because someone I know and love is going to walk through that same tough stuff down the road and is going to need an understanding friend.  Sometimes, God has me walk through some tough stuff because He needs to use me to help Him mold someone else into who He wants them to be.  My hearts desire is to willingly walk that path without resisting.  I am not really good at it. :)

Truth be told, I often don't want to walk that path at all.  Sometimes doing what God has called you to do, hurts...A LOT!    I try to put on a good front and willingly go where He is leading me..but really that is what it is...a front.  I am trying to fake it until I feel it.  Truth me told, sometimes my heart just isn't in it.  Because God loves me, He will gently keep asking me to do His will.  He won't force it on me...even when I fight it.  He will send people, magazine articles, devotionals, and worship songs into my life to keep confirming what He is asking for me.  He knows me...He knows that I will always look for a way to pretend like I am not hearing Him.  I'm only human :)

I was talking about this topic in small group setting once and a guy turned to me and asked me if I was proud of the fact that I fight doing God's will.  It wasn't really convicting..it is an attempt to be condemning.  Well there is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Jesus :)  My reluctance isn't something I'm proud of...it's just reality.  It's a human response and my ability to talk about those feelings is not pride..but transparency.  I know I can't be the only one who struggles.  What I am learning though...is that if I just get honest with God...He can use my fear and doubt and unwillingness.  I am learning to just take my frustrations to the Lord in a very honest way.  "God, I know that you are asking me to bring change into my new work environment but I don't really want to. I really want, just once, to have a job that is peaceful that is not mentally and emotionally demanding.  God, when is it my turn to have some rest?  When is it my turn to play a supporting role in change instead of trying to lead the way?"   It is amazing how, when I take these true feelings to the Lord, He calms my spirit.  He reassures me that it is okay to feel that way.  He acknowledges my feelings and promises me again that I won't be walking the path alone.  He helps me to live in the "nevertheless".  Even Jesus said to the Lord, "Father, if you be willing, remove this cup from me"  He didn't want to die on the cross...but Jesus lived in the 'nevertheless'.  He said, "nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.

If God is asking you to walk a difficult path, I would encourage you to tell Him how you feel so that He can help you get to a place of "nevertheless".
 

Men need encouragement too

This topic came up while I was talking with a dear friend of mine the other night and it keeps coming up, so I thought I'd share my thoughts.  You're welcome :)  

We were discussing about the difference in the way that men and women are both handled by the church community.  When the women of DC get together, it is a time of fellowship and sharing.  One of our favorite things to do is to share "Your story of His Glory".  We talk about some of the rough roads we've walked and how God showed up.  We get to share the amazing truth of God's grace and love.  We talk about how it really is okay to be feeling some of the things that you are feeling and we talk about how to take those feelings to the Lord.  We spend a lot of time encouraging one another that we are doing okay on the road we are walking on, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't take your eyes off Jesus.  When Mother's day rolls around, the women get a great message about what amazing mothers they are and they get encouragement to keep the faith.

My friend and I were talking about how different it is for the men.  Now...neither one of us are men so we can only go by what we hear,  but even from the things we can see...we know that it is different. I wonder how the men's retreat compares to the women's. Do they form the same types of bonds that the women do.  Do they leave feeling encouraged or like they don't measure up.   If there are men reading my blog, I would love your comments on this subject.  I know that on Father's day, there is rarely a warm fuzzy message about what amazing fathers they are.  There is often guidance and correction.  The dads get a laundry list of things they should do better.  I wonder how it makes some dads feel.  What if Dad is giving it 110% at home?  What if he is truly the head of the household, and he is wearing himself out providing for his family? Where is his encouragement?

Yesterday, I was driving home for a quick new puppy potty break and I heard something on the radio that irritated me.  I listen to a local Christian station that covers all of Central Florida.  They always have some little snippets of someone giving advice.  This guy comes on and starts telling the husbands that they need to try harder.  That a husband should try to hug his wife five times this week, he should compliment her at least five times, he should talk her up in front of his kids. and he should ask her every day what he can do for her.  I think these are all fine and good ideas and would be beneficial to a marriage but it got me thinking.  How many times I have heard this type of message?  The answer is A LOT.  How many times have I heard this type of message directed at wives?  I can't think of one time.  Isn't it equally important for a wife to hug her husband, talk him up in front of the kids, and ask what she can do for him?  I know that men and women are  different creatures with how they process feelings and emotions, but men need encouragement too.  Just sayin'

Halupki

Last night for dinner, we had Halupki.  Okay, it wasn't a true halupki but more like a deconstructed version of it.  I had never made it before but I think it turned out pretty good.  I'm not really here to talk about my dinner, I am here to talk about the faces and memories that kept going through my mind as I was making the halupki.

 These are the sweet faces of Rich and Rosie Solar.  The summer before my Senior year in high school, my Mom got a job offer in Green Bay, WI.  She asked if I wanted to relocate with her but I really wanted to finish out high school with my friends.  My Mom put the house on the market and I began looking for a place to stay.  I was able to stay home for a few months while the house was waiting to sell, (I know Mom, if I would've kept it clean, it would've sold faster and for more money :)

When the house finally sold, one of my best friends Lori convinced these beautiful people (her parents) to let me come live with them until I graduated.  They welcomed me with open arms.  Mom sent them some money every month to help with my expenses but they never treated me like a boarder.  The treated me like part of the family.  I was sharing with Leanna last night about how Rosie would make halupki (kinda like a cabbage roll) and I didn't like cabbage, so I would always unroll the cabbage and eat the meat out of the middle.  I am happy to report that my tastes have grown up with me and my halupki had cabbage with it last night :)

I have so many fond memories of my time with this family.  If I remember correctly, they had five kids but I only grew close to the sisters.  Lori graciously shared Bonnie and Cathy with me and they became like the big sisters that I never had.  They were full of fun, adventure, and advice.  I remember sitting around the kitchen table playing cards.  I remember what a celebration Easter was.  I remember going to the Catholic church with them...even though I wasn't really feeling God at the time, seeds were planted.  I remember Rich and Rosie's deep love for one another.  How they laughed together all of the time. I remember helping Rich when he coached Matt's (Cathy's son) little league baseball team.  More than anything, I remember an overwhelming sense of feeling like I belonged.

These beautiful faces didn't have to love me the way that they did but their love had an impact on me that stays with me to this day.  They poured into me...and they made me clean my room.  When I left their house after graduation, I was an angry teenager who was mad at the world.  I never took the time to let them know how much I had appreciated them.  It is a regret that I lived with for a lot of years.  We lost Rich last year to Leukemia.  When I got the news, I was heartbroken for this family.  I was blessed to be in town to pay my respects to the family.  We had grown apart over the years but when I showed up at the visitation, Rosie said, "There's my Holly".  It took me right back to all of those years ago.

Thank you Rich and Rosie for loving me..and teaching me how to shine His kind of light into the world.

Make Me Broken?

I was listening to the Sidewalk Prophets song "Keep Making Me" on my way in this morning.  I had the windows down and the radio up really loud.  I was singing my guts out (as I do when I'm by myself).  Suddenly, for every line of the song I would sing, I would hear God whispering back to me.  It went something like this:

Singing: Make me empty so I can be filled
God: "Is that really what you want, Holly? Do you really want me to empty you so I can fill you back up?"
Me: "Yes, I think so.  I mean, I'm pretty filled up with you now so a little emptying wouldn't hurt so much"

Singing: Make me lonely, So I can be Yours
God: "Do you really want to be lonely, Holly?  You've been feeling lonely lately, you don't seem to like it"
Me: "No, I don't really like it.  I don't like being lonely at all.  I really miss my friends and family and it's been pretty hard."

Singing: 'Til You are my one desire, 'Til You are my one true love, 'Til You are my breath, my everything, Lord, please keep making me"
God:  "Do you understand Holly?  If you really want me to change you into the person I need you to be, it's going to hurt but I'll be there.
Me: "But I'm never going to get there.  I am never going to get to the place where You are my everything.  I mean, I want to..but that's not realistic."
God: "I have already made you into more than you could have ever imagined.  I have used you in ways that you still don't know.  You are seeking perfection and setting expectations for what I'm doing in your life.  Just rest in who I am."


Now that I've had some time to reflect this morning, I feel like God is telling me to quit trying to help Him break me.  I know that sounds crazy but I want so desperately for Him to be all I need that I sometimes make it harder on myself.  I beat myself up because I didn't spend enough time praying this morning.  I got up an hour earlier than I needed to (If you know me at all, you know that I DON'T do mornings), so I could go sit on the back porch and read the Word and spend some quiet time with the Lord. Then when I got in the shower, I started kicking myself because I forgot to lift some needs up in prayer while I was out there.  I don't need to beat down and break myself.  I need to be confident and sure about who I am and whose I am.  If I beat myself up for not doing it the "right" way then my time with the Lord will become an act of obligation and not out of my heart's desire to be closer to Him.

I feel like this post is a bit rambling this morning, but I am trusting that God will make sense of it for whoever needs to read it.

My Backpack is Too Heavy

I wanted to take a minute and talk about something that has been troubling me and getting in the way of my peace for many years.  It is something that God has been working on me about for longer than I can remember.  I am guessing I am not the only one struggling with it.

The issue that is stealing my joy is the overwhelming need to talk about my problems.   If I feel like someone has done me wrong, I want to tell a lot of people about it.  At first, I thought it was a gossip issue, where I wanted to just talk about people.  My time at JUMP helped me to see that it is really just an unhealthy way that I try to deal with my hurt and frustration.  If I am hurt by someone, I have an overwhelming need to feel validated in that hurt.  I go to a friend and tell them what happened and how that person hurt me.  There is a part of me that needs my friend to agree that I have a right to feel hurt based on the actions of the other person.  It would be great if I could just get the offense off my chest and get on with life but it doesn't work that way for me.  Perhaps the next day, I run into another friend.  I have to bring the offense up again and ensure that this next friend also agrees that I had a right to feel hurt.

Let me tell you something, I may get the validation I am seeking, but in the meantime, my joy is being stolen right out from underneath me by the enemy.  You see, every time that I share that offense, the hurt comes right back.  It is like the person didn't just hurt me once, they hurt me four of five times.  The hurt travels around with me in my emotional backpack and as long as I feel like I need validation for my feelings, I have to carry it around with me.  That backpack gets awfully heavy.  That backpack doesn't just hold hurt, it holds anger and frustration too...all emotions that I feel the need to validate with others.

What I need to do...and what I'm working on...is to simply take my hurt, anger, frustration to the Lord and leave it there with Him.  He is strong enough to carry it, I am not.

Missing the Gift

Do you remember when you were younger and your parents asked you what you wanted for Christmas, or perhaps you made a list for Santa Claus?  Remember how there was sometimes that one special thing that you really,  REALLY wanted?  It was all you could think about, it consumed your thoughts.  How you hoped and prayed that just this once you would get what you asked for.  You hear whispering between your parents about how they want to get you something special.  Now you are convinced..this is the year that your dream comes true.  Christmas morning comes and you look under the tree and your heart starts to race with excitement.  There, under the tree, is a box that is the perfect shape and size to be your special gift.  You wait patiently as your family goes through their Christmas routine but all you can think about is getting to your gift.  The time comes, you almost can’t contain the excitement as you peel off the wrapping paper….and there under the paper…is a bag of socks.    You are so heartbroken…but you go on to open the other gifts..hoping and praying..thinking ..maybe your gift is in one of those boxes.  All that you can think about as you open each gift is how let down you feel that it isn’t the one that you really, REALLY wanted.  You may have received some really amazing things…maybe you got a beautiful necklace, or some clothes, or a gift card.  Maybe your brother or sister worked really hard to make you a homemade gift to make you feel special but all you can think about is that one special gift that you didn't get. 

Do you think that we ever get that way with God?  Do you think that we ever ask for what we want and then get disappointed when we don't get it?  Do you think that we ever overlook the incredible gifts that God has given us, simply because we didn't get the one thing we really wanted?  What if the gift we actually receive is something that it wouldn't have occurred to us to ask for?  What if it is SO much better than what we originally asked for....and we miss out on the excitement and thankfulness for such a wonderful gift because we can't see past the fact that we didn't get what we wanted.

May we be those who stop focusing on the things we think we want and start focusing on the amazing gifts that we are already receiving on a daily basis. 

Even if You Never Know It

I was looking at my office the other day, looking at all of things in it that I keep around just to serve as a reminder about something.  I have a coffee mug with Smiley faces on it that says, "Smile God Loves You!" that was given to me by someone I barely knew who just wanted me to know that I mattered.  I have a picture of Baby Samuel, which serves as a reminder that life is too short to take things for granted.  That God performs miracles all of the time but sometimes they don't look like we think they should.  I have a picture of my friends Grace and Brian, so that I can remember to pray for them as they continue to walk this thing out. 

The thing that has really been speaking to me lately though is this angel.  I got it as a going away gift when I left my previous company.  The person who gave it to me came by my office to let me know that she didn't do goodbyes but she wanted to thank me for everything.  I just looked at her crazy and said...."no...thank YOU for everything."  You see this person and I weren't super close.  We kinda sorta knew each other but she wasn't one of the people that I made a point to check in with. There were some whose office became a haven for me when things were rough..or maybe when I thought they needed a pep talk.  There were times though, when this person would stick her head in, especially when I was having a rough minute (and I had a LOT of rough minutes there towards the end).  She would listen with so much compassion and understanding and would say what I needed to hear.  God used her in my life to help me see how unsustainable things were in my life and that some changes needed to be made.  Some of those ended up being BIG changes, like quitting my job and moving 1200 miles away but most of them were small changes where God spoke ever so quietly to my spirit, asking me to trust Him.

So I am super grateful for the person who gave me this angel, but it is not why it sits on my desk.  It sits on my desk because it serves as a reminder that we are impacting and influencing lives all of the time.  It is a reminder that what we do in the lives of others really does make a difference.  If you would have asked me to name one thing that I did that would have caused the person who gave me this to be thankful, I would be at a loss.  I must have done something though.  Maybe God used me at just the right time to speak something to her.  Perhaps she had an I.T. need that I took care of without making her feel guilty for asking.  Maybe it was just that I gave her a smile when I walked by her.  I know that I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, yet she was thankful enough to give me this precious gift.  

"Never underestimate your ability to make someone else's life better - Even if you never know it"- Greg Louganis

Singing about Him vs. Singing to Him

Leanna and I have found a church that we both really like not too far from our house.  We both came across it separately and both felt like we should give it a try.  It is definitely NOT Desperation Church but there have been a few "God Winks" that let us know we might be in the right place.  The first day we were there, the Pastor said something along the lines of  "I know this is going to be weird but I'm going to make you do it anyway" and it felt a little like home.

This place really believes in worship.  It is NOT Bil Brown worship but it definitely helps you to enter in to that place.  You know the one.  That place you get to where you are worshiping your face off and you have no doubt that the very presence of God has entered in.  One thing that I've noticed though, that I always took for granted, was how careful Bil was to ensure that we were singing songs to the Lord and not just songs about the Lord. We tried another church before this one and the worship wasn't the same.  We sang about God and not TO Him.

 There is something about singing "I crumble at your kiss and grace, I'm a weakling in the dust, teach me how to cling to you, with all my life and all my love" .  I know all people experience worship differently but that is definitely something that spoke to me at, what might be, our new church.  We sang to our Lord..and it was good.

I have even noticed that when I am driving in my car, the songs that capture me are the ones I am singing to Him.  Don't get me wrong, I'll sing my lungs out about Him too...but singing to Him will bring me to tears.

Thank you Bil for helping me to see how all things in my life can be worship...but also for helping  to find the types of songs that help me to enter in to that secret place with Him.

Right now, "Keep Making Me" by Sidewalk Prophets is blowing my face off.  Is there a song that is speaking to you right now?  I would love to hear it, please post in the comments.

Sower or Reaper, I Get to Rejoice Either Way

The church that we have been trying out had a message about the walk of Jesus a few weeks ago.  The Pastor encouraged us to pick one of the Gospels and read through it, focusing on how Jesus walked.  I was reading in John this morning and came across verses 4:34-38. I have read these verses many times but today they hit me in a new and fresh way (Funny how God makes that happen).

John 4:34-39
"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work.  Don't you have a saying, 'It's still four months until harvest'? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields!  They are ripe for harvest.  Even now the one who reaps draws a wage and harvests a crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together.  Thus the saying 'One sows and another reaps' is true.  I sent you to reap what you have not worked for.  Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor."

These verses encouraged me to day.  We can often go about life trying to share the love of Jesus with those around us, trying to uplift and encourage people and point them back to the truth.  We don't always know that we are making a difference.  I mean, we hope we are, and sometimes God blesses us with someone who tell us that we make a difference, but we share about Jesus because we want to be those who "do the will of him who sent me."  We want others to know that Jesus saves and that a relationship with Him will fill an empty place in their heart in a way that nothing else can.  No drug, alcohol, earthly relationship, or good deed can fill that void.  Only the love of Jesus can fill it.

Sometimes we get to be the one who shares Jesus with someone who has never hard about him before.  Sometime we get to share about the real Jesus with someone who has only been shown religion.  Sometimes we get to be the one who speak into the life of someone who already believes but needs to be reminded that their hope, peace, joy, love comfort, and goodness comes from the Lord.  Sometimes, we simply play a supporting role while our friends chase after Jesus right along side of us.

We all have a role to play...whether we are the one sowing the seeds of faith..or whether we are the ones who get to witness that moment when someone is saved...we ALL get to rejoice!!! So listen to the call when the Lord places it on your heart to say something to someone.  Don't think that they'll think you are crazy...chances are that they already think you are crazy :) ...so say it anyway.  You may never know, this side of heaven, what role God has you playing in the lives of others.  It reminds me of the song, "Fifteen" by Greg Long.  Wherever I stand in line, I've got to make a difference.

Click here to listen to Fifteen
I was sitting at the table
As the waitress took our order
In her eyes, I knew that something wasn't right
And before I saw it coming
I was caught up in her story
Of the storms that she had weathered in her life
My friend said, can we pray for you
She said, I think I'd like you to
She walked away, we bowed our heads
But then he turned to me and said

Chorus:
If it takes fifteen times
To hear about Jesus
For someone to believe
Wherever I stand in line
I've got to make a difference
In case it comes down to me
'Cause, I may be third, may be the seventh
There may be years in between
But what if I'm fifteen
What if I'm fifteen

Just a chapter in a story
With the ending still unwritten
Do they find the truth of Jesus after all
As I listen for the whispers
And I follow where they lead me
I pray that I'll be faithful to the call
If I'm who I'm supposed to be
I know that God can work through me
I may not understand it now
But I believe somehow

Chorus

God I don't want to miss the chances
When you open the door
What may seem so insignificant
You see so much more

Chorus



Go make a difference in the life of someone else today!!!!!!

Safe in His Arms

Many of you have heard the story of how my brother's death forever changed my life.  The story of how God took my shattered heart and began to put the pieces back together again.  The following is a story that my Mom wrote about the experience.  May it serve as a reminder to pray that others might find Jesus.  Prayer does work.  Thanks Mama for not giving up on me.

SAFE IN HIS ARMS

Although raised in church, I did not develop my own personal relationship with Jesus until I was in my early forties.  I like to refer to the story of the man who hit the mule over the head with a 2x4 to get his attention.  In 1995, as a 43-year-old widow, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  During  the following year, I had a mastectomy, chemotherapy, two attempts at breast reconstruction, a deadly staph infection and a chronic wound infection.  I always said that God allowed this to get my attention, for it was during this year I reached out to Him (another miracle - another story).

At the time, I had a 20 year career working for a major company.  Although I was making good money, the illness and workplace stress was taking a toll.  I was constantly tired and relied daily on the power of prayer to handle the stress at work.  In December, 1997, the Lord told me to quit my job.  In order to do this, and not knowing why, I had to forego hopes of a future pension and live on only a widow’s annuity.  After prayer and consideration, I took the leap and left my job in January, 1998.

My three children were grown by this time and, therefore, had not been raised in a Christian environment.  However, during the previous few years my daily prayers always included fervent pleas for each of my children’s salvation.  In January, 1998, the Lord gave me a word that my daughter, age 22, would be saved.  The following attests to how this came about and to the circumstances by which I know my oldest son, Bob, is now in heaven.

In 1995, when Bob was 24, he became the father (out of wedlock) of my precious grandson.  When the mother began using meth, he took the child and received sole custody through the court system.  I couldn’t have been prouder of the job he was doing as a single parent.  No child could have received more love and attention than little Josh was getting from his father.  The only thing missing was the inclusion of God in their lives. 

Early in 1998, during one of Bob’s frequent visits, I again said something to him about trusting in the Lord.  He said, “Mom, you have no idea how much I think about it.  I’m getting there.  Just be patient.”  Trying not to interfere and to let the Lord work in His own way, I didn’t say anything else.  I just continued to pray daily for these children of mine.

Around 2:30 PM on March 4, 1998, I received the phone call parents live in fear of.  My daughter, who was extremely close to her brother, was screaming hysterically into the phone.  She was so upset her words were unintelligible.  A woman finally took the phone from her and said, “There’s been a terrible car accident with massive injuries,” and gave me the location.  My daughter got back on the phone and screamed, “Bob’s hurt really bad.” 

I jumped in my car and sped to the scene of the accident.  The entire way, thinking my daughter and grandson had all been in the car, I just kept repeating, “God, please save my children.”  As I went around a corner, about 2 miles from the accident, a tremendous peace overcame me.  It was as if God was saying, “Everything is okay now.”  The peace was so overwhelming that I no longer felt the need to plead with God for their safety.  Although I kept repeating the words, the burning pain seemed to be gone.

When I got as close to the scene as the officers allowed, I was told my grandson (then age 2) was taken to Children’s Mercy, the officers would bring my daughter to me, and they had not yet gotten my son out of the car.   I was told to take my daughter and go to Children’s Mercy and see to my grandson while they continued working on my son.  When my daughter arrived, I discovered that she had been in her car following Bob and witnessed the accident as a reckless driver, going almost 60 mph, had smashed into his driver’s side door.

At Children’s Mercy the nursing staff and the chaplain all greeted me.  Although Josh was in shock and had been covered with blood (later told it was his dad’s), he had received nothing more than a scratch on his neck.  We waited there until the phone call was received from NKC Hospital.  “I’m sorry, we did all we could to save your son but his injuries were too severe to revive him.”  It sounded like something out of a television show.  The nursing staff, my daughter and I, with Josh in my arms, all joined hands while the chaplain prayed.

The next few days were clouded with funeral arrangements and worries over how I could raise this small child at my age, alone, and being still fatigued from my previous illnesses.  My biggest fear, however, was that Bob was not in Heaven because he was still “thinking about it.”  I remembered the peace I had felt the day of the accident and hoped God was trying to tell me all was okay and He had Bob in his arms right now.  I also was told Bob had called someone two weeks earlier to ask how to be saved.  I still had nagging doubts, though, and I prayed constantly, many times a day, using the following words, “Lord, I pray that Bob is safe in Your arms.”

This so plagued me that a couple of weeks later, I expressed my fears to my aunt, who was a real prayer warrior and frequently received miracles through prayer.  The next morning she called me.  “Guess what!  I said a little prayer before I went to bed and asked God to let you know whether Bob was in Heaven.  This morning I awoke humming a tune.  I hummed this song all morning and yet couldn’t recognize the song.  It was something I remembered from long ago but couldn’t place the words, only the music.  Finally it came to me.  The name of it was “Safe in the Arms of Jesus.”’ Although I had told no one, these were the exact words I had used in my prayers!  I knew I finally had my answer.

Because I followed the Lord’s leading and had quit my job six weeks prior to the accident, I was able to be a stay at home “mom.”  To further add to these miracles, my daughter, so traumatized by witnessing the accident which killed her brother, reached out in her grief and recurrent nightmares and came to know the Lord in July of that same year.

Remember:

Romans 8:28:  And we know that all things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Sweet Surrender

I feel like I've had the same discussion with several people over the past few weeks so I thought I would share it here as well.  We have been talking about the radical difference between following Christ and surrendering to His will.  I was saved in 1998, not too long after my brother's accident.  By saved, I mean that I recognized that Jesus Christ was my Lord and Savior and that He had died for my sins.  By His death, I was made new.  I felt an immediate change in me.  There was a peace in my heart that I had never experienced before.  I began reading the bible and trying to learn more about God.  As Pastor Michael used to say, God works out salvation in many different ways.  I had a few hurdles and setbacks in the first few years but God didn't give up on me.

I went on this way, chasing after Jesus, striving to be "enough" and then God called me to another church. This church was different and it was there, at Desperation Church, that I began to learn about the love of God.  I began to learn that there was no such thing as "enough".  I had been striving for 11 years to be good enough for God...but I found that God loves me for who I am already. I am good "enough" simply because I am HIS.  It was when I realized this truth...and I mean really understood it, that my life truly began to change.  I went from being someone who gave my life to Christ to someone who let Christ fully into mine.  I entered a place of true surrender.  Relying on the Lord to direct my path.

A few weeks ago, my dear friend sent me an email that said, "...I had a similar talk with God today.  I just told Him that if He needs to continue to break me for anything to make me the person I am supposed to be, I am okay with that."  I told her that she was in for the ride of her life.  That she had entered into that sweet place of sweet surrender.  I warned her that it will be tough and that God will continue to break her, and it will hurt, and she will wish she never told Him that He could..and that she will be better for it.

See, God's going to break you, and mold you into who He needs you to be but it so much sweeter when you are a willing participant.  You look at each thing that happens to you as a blessing or a lesson.  It changes your perspective on life.  God will use those lessons to allow you to speak into the lives of others so that they might learn the lesson a little bit faster than you did.

Are you a God follower who is simply walking it out, trying to follow the "rules" or are you in a place of surrender where you are earnestly seeking  His will for your life, regardless of the cost?  I would encourage you to ask Him on a constant basis, for Him to break you.

My Really Old Can of Pork

Today, I want to tell you about this here can of "PORK".  Leanna found it in one of the kitchen boxes the other day and because she knows the story behind it, she left it out so I could have a minute with it before we put it away.

I got this can of pork in 1994.  Yup, this can of pork has been with me for 20 years.  I was fresh out of high school and sort of bouncing around from house to house, roommate to roommate.  I finally moved into an apartment in Turner with a friend from work.  I was working as a video clerk making $4.16 an hour and we were both struggling to make ends meet.  There were times we couldn't keep the lights on.  I was not having any part of God at the time but my friend had grown up in the church and made an appearance there on occasion.  Someone in the church figured out that we hadn't eaten in a few days and they left a bag of food in front of our apartment door.

When we came home and found the food, we immediately went through the bag to see what kind of goodies might be in there.  There were things like spaghetti and sauce, mac and cheese (also known as Kraft Dinner), beans, canned veggies, and then there was this can of Pork.  The picture above just really doesn't really do the can justice.  It is just a gun metal gray can with a pig on it and it says PORK with natural juices.  I stared and stared at that can of pork.  No matter how hungry I was, there was no way I was eating that.  Don't get me wrong, I was super blessed and grateful for the food.  There was just something about this can.  Let me tell ya'll that getting that can of pork affected me.  I didn't want to ever again be in a place where this can of pork was my only option.

I would like to say that life took an upswing at that time and that the can of pork motivated me to bigger and better things...but it didn't.  I learned later that I was going to need Jesus for that.  Instead, things actually got worse :(  We got evicted out of our apartment because my friend was stealing the rent money instead of paying the rent with it.  As many of you know, I eventually hit rock bottom when I ended up homeless and living in my car.  Looking back, I find it funny that I was living in my car, but I sure did have my can of pork with me. I think a part of me knew that things could get bad enough that I would need to eat it, and a part of me let the can serve as a reminder to keep trying to change the situation.  It took several more years of bouncing around before things in my life started to stabilize.

That can of pork traveled with me from apartment to apartment.  If I had experienced a super rough day at work, the can was pulled out of the pantry so that I could remember what a super rough day looked like.  Two days ago, when I took a minute with my can, I took a minute to be thankful for where I came from.  I took a minute to be grateful for the change in me.  I took a minute to pray for those who might be facing a situation where that can of pork would be a blessing.  When I open the pantry and see that can, I am reminded of the amazing power of a loving God.  I reckon I'll keep it until it explodes or something.

Look around you.  Do you have something that can serve as a visual reminder for all He has done in your life?  If not, I recommend you find something, even it's something as silly as a can of pork.

We Don't Deserve It Anymore Than They Do

I've got so many things on my heart that I want to share but I reckon I'll take them one post at a time.

Several years ago, I was sitting at lunch with a coworker on a business trip in Brazil.  I didn't know him very well so most of our conversation was just idle chit chat.  All of a sudden, he turned to me and asked, "Have you always been a religious person?"  It kind of blindsided me.  I told him that I didn't really consider myself a religious person as I had been deeply hurt by "religion".  I told him that my heart's desire was to chase after Jesus with all of me.  He had a few questions for me and he shared how, he too, had been hurt by "religion".  That after the death of his Mom, he didn't believe there was a God.  I explained how the death of my Brother actually brought me to the Lord.  As usual, it came down to the "How do you know God is real" question and I gave my usual answer, "I know where I came from, I know who I was, and I know what He brought me out of."  I went on to explain that at one point I had been homeless, where my only salvation came in the form of the Denny's conference room.  God had taken me from that place to a place where I was on a business trip in BRAZIL!!!  I explained some of the times when God had shown up in a BIG way in my life. Then he dropped the bomb of a question on me.  He said, "What makes you so special that God has favor on you and not other people?"  I really didn't know how to answer at the time.  I might have said something about being lucky or something.  That question haunted me for a while after that trip.  Why have I received God's favor when others haven't?  I sought out the answer through prayer and God finally revealed the answer.  My blessings come from obedience.

God has asked me to do a great number of difficult things in my life.  I would like to pretend that I always jumped at the chance to follow His will but that isn't true.  Sometimes, I knew the things He was asking me to do were going to hurt.  I didn't want to do them but eventually, I always knew that what He was asking for me to do would make me a better person.  Sometimes what He asked me to do had nothing to do with me.  It would result in a major blessing for someone else.  Sometimes there has been no rhyme or reason to what He's asked me to do and to this day, I still don't understand it.

The reason this is on my heart is in regards to our new beautiful house.  I have posted a few pictures of it on Facebook and the comments have been incredible.  Most of the comments are about how happy everyone is for us, how beautiful the house is, or about how much we deserve it.  While I am so blessed by the comments, I haven't posted a response as I don't know what to say.  There is a part of me that feels guilty for having such a nice home.  We have friends that are struggling to pay their mortgage.  We have friends trying to come up with money to adopt.  We have friends who don't know where their next meal is coming from.  Who are we that we get to have this beautiful house in paradise?  We don't deserve it.  Don't get me wrong.  We have worked hard to get to a place where we could buy it.  I spent years juggling travel with spending time with my family.  Leanna worked hard to get her Masters degree and she teaches with such a passion.  We faithfully gave our first fruits to God, even when we weren't sure how to keep the lights on.  We worked HARD to get out of debt.  We gave freely of our time and money to whatever/whoever God called us to.  We poured into the live's of children through our Junior Bible Quiz ministry (even when some in the church didn't want us to).

The thing is, I know dozens of people who live out their faith just the way we do.  They are obedient, faithful, giving, loving, and amazing.  They are all of these things, yet life is a daily struggle.  See, we don't deserve this beautiful house any more than they do.  This house is nothing but a straight up blessing from the Lord.  I hope I never take that for granted.  We prayed about what type of house to look for.  We consistently heard that we needed a place that will be a peaceful haven, and not just for us.  When I found the house and the price tag was at the top end of our budget, I took it back to the Lord.  I wanted to make sure that I didn't put our house above being financially able to help when God calls us to.  The Lord put my heart at ease.  This house is a blessing for us, but it is also going to be a blessing for others.  We wanted desperately for it to be a place where people can come visit and enjoy the beach, or Disney, or just a quiet place to put their feet up and read a book.

There is a peace when you walk in the front door of our home that I can't quite explain.  I guess you'll just have to come down and feel it for yourself.

Thankful for being broken

I entered adulthood as a broken person.  I had really been through some stuff and it had taken a toll on me in many ways.  It had effected me spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  I spent a good number of my early adult years drowning my feelings in a bottle.  I didn't really believe there was a God and if He did exist I was super duper mad at Him.   I was stuck in pity party mode.  Why????  Why did I have to go through everything?  Why didn't anyone care about me?  Why didn't I matter?

Many years later, after He captured every ounce of my heart, God and I had a talk about it.  I kept trying to get the "why" answers out of Him.  I would beg and plead for Him to just tell me why it was fair that I had been so broken.  I am here to tell you that God never give me the answers.  What He did instead was change my heart.  He changed my longing to know why into a desire to make sure that it wasn't wasted.  My begging for answers turned into a begging to be used by Him to make good come from my past.  He has been faithful to do just that.  He really does make beauty from ashes (if you let Him).  I pray that He continues to use me to bring His light into the lives of others.

As I was driving to work this morning, I became overwhelmed with this thought, "Lord, I am so thankful for having been broken!!"  Even having that thought was shocking to me.  I have never ever been thankful for certain aspects of my past.  I realized that had I not been broken, I likely wouldn't appreciate how amazing my God is.  I would probably take for granted the change that He has made in me.  People have asked me how I know that God is real and my answer has always been, "I know where I came from, I know who I was before Him, and I know what He brought me out of."  If I would've had the ideal life, would I have missed the blessing?

If I stop and ask myself, "Would you be willing to go through everything you went through, if it was necessary for you to have the relationship with God that you have now?"  The answer will always be YES!!

No More Texting

This is what God said to me about a year ago.  I was in a class where we were talking about praying without ceasing and being in constant fellowship with the Lord.  I kept thinking to myself, "I do a pretty good job of this."  A few days later, I could feel the nudge of God in my heart.  I could feel Him saying, "Do you Holly, do you really do a good job of staying in constant fellowship with me?"  God then made it very clear to me that while I take numerous times throughout the day to talk to Him, that isn't what He really wants.  He showed me that what I was doing was "texting" Him.  Something good would happen and I'd fire off a text, "thank you Lord for showing up, You're AWESOME."  Or perhaps I had a friend confide in me about something, I'd fire off a "Lord, please keep watch over my friend."  I think God really likes that I think to bring things to him throughout the day but He showed me that what He really wants is quality time.  I pushed back and said, "God, I'm so busy with things that I feel You've called me to do, I'm giving You the best that I've got!"  In that convicting way (you know...with Love) God spoke to my heart and said, "you've got a 37 mile commute, don't you think you could talk to me then."  Since that day, I turn the radio off every morning on my way to work and just talk to my Father.  Sometimes we ride in silence.  I used to feel guilty for not talking but I found that often, in the silence, God just comforts my soul.

Think about the time that you are giving to the Lord.  Are you resting in Him?  Are you in true fellowship with the one who loves you most?

A brand new start

As many of you know, God has had us on a whirlwind ride to a new chapter in our life.  We are currently living in the LaQuinta in Lake Mary, Fl while we wait for everything on our new house to be figured out.  I'm not sure why God chose this path for us but we are going to do our best to carry out His will.

I have been frequently reminded, over the past two months, about the message that I gave at the women's retreat.  I have decided that God puts most messages on our hearts because WE need them, not because others do.  Things have gone incredibly well in our endeavor.  Our house sold on day one at full asking price. A position came open at a hospital right down the street, and within 4 days Leanna was contacted, interviewed, and offered the position.  These things don't happen folks.  Somewhere along the way, my expectations got ahead of God's will and I started getting irritated at any slow down.  I was totally missing the blessing.  Instead of being so overwhelmed by God's goodness, I was upset that I wasn't getting my way in all things.

I have a friend who has had her house on the market over a year.  I have a friend whose cousin was just diagnosed with Leukemia.  I have several friends whose Moms are battling cancer just after losing their Dads to the same disease.  I have friends who are struggling daily to make their marriages work.  I have so many friends who are hurting.  Who the heck am I to complain about living in a hotel for a couple of weeks??

May we be those today, who think on the positive things in our life.  Think of the blessings that have been bestowed upon us.  Pray for those who are hurting, or better yet, come along side of them and help them through.