One Cup of Water at a Time

The company that I work for has been struggling financially for a bit of time.  Most of the issues stem from a poor life partner decision by one of the owners that ended up costing the company quite a bit of money.

I believe that this current season is the reason God asked me to take a 70K a year pay cut and come work for this company.  It might also have been to teach me a thing or two about pride, humility, and identity.  God is taking all of the skills that I have learned in my leadership positions over the past 16 years and putting them to good use.  The CEO has empowered me to do what I can to keep the company's head above water until our new software is ready to launch.  I will tell you that it has been a struggle.

I handle all of the finances which means that I decide who is going to get paid and who isn't.  This includes not only our vendors, but our staff as well.  Almost everyone who works for the company are independent contractors so they submit a bill and we have a period of time to pay them.  When I first started working there, we would submit bills on Sunday and we would be paid on Monday.  The time between the billing and the paying kept getting farther and farther apart.  The staff was hurting.

Every day, I would field messages asking when I think this person or that person  might be paid.  I would hear heart wrenching stories about how rent was do in two days, or the lights were going to be shut off tomorrow.  I would look at our accounts, feeling helpless.  I would explain our current situation and then tell me when I thought I would be able to pay them.  I knew that God hadn't given me that weight to carry, but it was weighing on me just the same.

One day, I was driving back from picking Peanut up,  and I was listening to Nichole Nordeman's new album "Every Mile Mattered".  As I was driving, the song Hush, Hush came over the speakers.  It has a very different melody, almost haunting.  So much so that you almost miss the importance of the lyrics....almost.  Sometimes God will just smack you upside the head with some lyrics.

The song was inspired by a book called "How to Survive a Shipwreck" by Jonathan Martin.  It is from the perspective of God talking to someone who has been shipwrecked on an island.

But I love you if they never come

I love you in the scorching sun

One cup of water at a time

'Til you remember you are mine

And I will love you back together

These lyrics jumped right out of the song at me.  I started the song over to listen to them in context.  As I listened to them the second time, I heard God say to me, "One cup of water at a time, Holly.  That is how I am going to provide for the needs of your company.  You don't need to keep worrying and striving.  Lay the needs, as they come, at my feet and I'll provide it.  I need this company to learn to rely on me.  I need them to remember that they are mine."

It was a weight lifted off of my shoulders with that gentle reminder that He is in complete control of the situation that we are facing.  It isn't my job to save the company.  It is His job.  My job is to use the gifts and talents that He has equipped me with to the best of my ability.  He needs to do the rest.

I thought that was the end of the lesson but as I started the song over for the third time, I heard these lyrics:

And I am the storm that swallowed you

I let you bleed, I thought you knew

And I am the bottom, and I am floor

I am the deep you never knew before

I let you sink

And I let you go

But I caught you in the undertow

God made it very clear that He was the reason for the current state of the company.  He had allowed us to get to this very desperate place so that we would have no choice but to rely on Him.  He has used this season to teach us a lot about our priorities.  We have shaped a clearer vision for our future.  We have learned to be better stewards with the money He provides to us.  It has been a hard season, but it hasn't been for nothing.

I shared this "one cup of water" lesson with the team at work.  It is awesome to work for a company where it doesn't seem out of place to share what God is laying on my heart. Once I had shared what I felt God had showed me, He got busy showing off.  Every time someone comes to me with a need and wants to know when they will be paid, I explain that we don't have it but we will pray for the one cup of water to meet their needs.  Time and time again, God meets those needs and in doing so, increases the faith of all of us. 

I don't know what you are going through at the moment.  I don't know if you are walking out a tough season.  I don't know if God wrecked your ship or if someone else did.  What I do know is that God is faithful.  The one cup of water He provides doesn't always look like enough to me.  It may not look like enough to you.  But I promise you, He sees you.  He's got you. 

And I am the shore

And I am the flame

And mercy is My name

Hush, hush

Hush now

All The Nopes

I had the opportunity to go to the beach last weekend for a much needed getaway with some new friends.  I am part of an online community of women who first came together to launch a book and have been pouring into each other's lives ever since.  I had met some of these women in real life before, but only for a few minutes of conversation.

Since we had five days together with little to no agenda, except for sitting on the beach under our umbrellas and eating some amazing food, we had plenty of time for the sharing of our stories.  I loved getting to know more about each and every one of them.  Some talked more than others but I was able to get know each one of the other nine ladies better than I had known them before.  We had women ranging from the 30 range to almost 70.  We all had so much to learn from each other.

As you can imagine, I shared a lot of stories.  I shared stories that made us all laugh and stories that made some eyes leak.  I shared stories of my life before I met Jesus and I shared stories of all that He has done for me since I met Him.  Through tears, I even shared the story of that horrific day when I first heard the voice of God.  The day that God would use to capture my heart forever.

One theme that I noticed in a lot of my stories was how I don't readily move when God asks me to do something.  Isaiah 30:21 says "Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it".  So imagine if you will that I hear this voice and my response is nope.  Holly, I want you to walk this way and forgive your Dad.  Nope.  Holly, I want you to work for this small company that needs your exact skill set.  Nope.  When God asks me to do something that I know is going to make me uncomfortable, my first reaction is usually nope.

I have been lucky, as God has made many paths clear on my journey to where I am today.  Obviously, there are many times that I am just walking in the direction that He last told me to walk, like now.  I have no idea what the future holds, but I know that the last things that He told me were to work at HERO and to write my book.  So I am currently walking that out until He tells me what's next.  I am trying to walk in a manner worthy of the calling He has placed on my life, but it is hard sometimes.

I came home from the beach weekend filled to overflowing.  I also came back with a renewed focus on getting back to doing my bible study in the morning.  As Priscilla Shirer and I were having a chat about The Armor of God, her words sucker punched me.  She said, "Like a teenager who dutifully cleans his room because he's told to, yet does it with a seething anger and distaste for his parents, we sometimes obey God on the outside while simmering in disobedience on the inside."

As I read those words, I remembered all of the times over the past weekend when NOPE to God was part of my story.  My issue wasn't a seething anger or a distaste for God, but I had definitely been doing one thing on the outside and feeling a whole other thing on the inside.  God will eventually convince me to follow the path He is trying to lead me down, but on the inside, I am doubting His goodness.  I am doubting His plan.  I am doubting His love for me.  Surely if He loved me He wouldn't take me down this hard path.  Just like the teenager, I am being obedient because God said so, not because I want to.

I know God's ways are good.  I know He is faithful.  He has proven Himself time and time again. He knows what He is doing in my life.  His path always makes sense after the fact.   My prayer is that God will continue to work on my heart so that my outside matches my inside.  I want to  immediately walk in obedience with a joy filled heart, knowing how lucky I am to have Him direct my path. I want to immediately trust that His plans are better than mine.  Most importantly, I want all of my nopes to become yeps. 

Sometimes He Wants Us To Do A New Thing

I am smack dab in the middle of a bible study called "The Armor of God" by Priscilla Shirer. I have studied quite a bit about the Armor of God over the years.  There were JBQ questions about it.  My friend Grace taught us all a song to sing every morning as we put on our armor.  Having said that, I highly recommend this study.  It is all about putting an action plan together on how to combat the attacks of the enemy.

While working on this study, she showed me something about Moses that I had never considered before.  It was pretty eye opening so I thought I would share it with all of you.

How many of you know that Moses was never allowed to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land?  The Lord spoke to Moses in Numbers 20:8 saying, "...speak to the rock before their eyes, that it may yield its water..."  If we move to Numbers 20:11 we see that "Moses lifted up his hand and struck the rock twice with his rod; and water came forth abundantly...." He wasn't allowed to enter the Promised Land with the Israelites simply because he struck the rock instead of speaking to it.  

Every time I have ever read that story, I always assumed that Moses only struck the rock out of frustration.  That very well may have been the case but my bible study showed me another perspective. If you go back to Exodus 17 when the Israelites were back in Horeb.  They were grumbling and complaining asking for water much like they would later do in Meribah.  The Lord told Moses in Exodus 17:6, "...and you shall strike the rock, and water will come out of it, that the people may drink....".

In case you missed it, in the past, God had asked Moses to strike the rock to bring the water so I can imagine it would be an easy mistake to strike the rock again.  Don't we always tend to do what has worked for us in the past.  I mean, c'mon, at one point Moses was acting out of obedience to strike the rock, but the next time he struck it, he was banned from entering the Promised Land with the Israelites?  

I started to think back to the times that I have leaned on God's previous instructions to handle a current situation.  I had a situation in the past where one of my employees thought that I wasn't qualified for a promotion that I had received.  He was pretty vocal about his opinions and tried to push against my authority at every level.  I prayed about how to handle the situation and the Lord made it clear that I was to stand my ground and explain to this employee why I was given the role and how it would benefit him to work together with me to make our department successful.  It was a hard tough conversation but by the time I had left the company, I had gained his respect and his friendship.

Fast forward to a more recent experience where I had been given some new authority at my job.  One of my co-workers was obviously unhappy about the situation.  I relied on my past experience and decided that I would stand my ground and explain to this guy how it would benefit him and how we should work together.  This was the exact wrong approach.  Things went from bad to worse.  In desperation, I went to Lord and asked Him why this guy was being such a jerkface to me.  God made it very clear that I was just to leave him be, that this man would come around but not if I continued to force the issue.    He is coming around.  Funny thing, God's plan is working. 

See the problem was, that I didn't take this new situation to the Lord and await His instruction.  I thought, "been there, done this" and I figured I had it under control.  I am learning that every situation is different.  Every person is different.  Every environment is different.  We can never know all of the aspects of a given situation so we must rely on the One who does.  

What current situation are you dealing with in the same way that God has asked you to deal with it in the past?  Is it possible that you need to take it to Him to get new instructions? Just something to think about.

The Priority of Morning

As you know by now, I'm in the middle of trying to write a book.  I started writing it towards the end of last year.  I really figured that it would have been done by now.  There have been several reasons why it has been taking me so long to write.

Some of the delay had to due with the fear of getting started.  Those old fears that we all face.  The ones that tell us we aren't hearing the Lord correctly.  The ones that convince us that we aren't enough.  Those lies that tell us that it won't even be worth it.  God was patient with me in the midst of my fears.  He walked with me as we worked through each of those fears and lies.

I finally faced my fears and reached out to my prayer warriors to lift me up as I was writing.  I started gaining traction but it wasn't going as quickly as I would like.  I kept running in to one particular roadblock, the heat of the day.

I would start each morning with the best of intentions.  I would get up in the morning with a plan to work, make dinner, and then write later in the evening.  My work day would start and I would find myself putting out fire after fire.  A lot of my co-workers live in Arizona.  They come on later in the day and I would find myself working with them well into the evening.  I would suddenly realize what time it was and would jump off the computer to try to get dinner on the table.  Most of the time, after sitting at my desk for 9 or 10 hours, the last thing I wanted to do was go back and sit in the office to write my book.  I would convince myself that tomorrow would be different.  Tomorrow, I would make myself get off on time and then I would write.  Invariably,  tomorrow would come and the day would get away from me once again.

I was so frustrated at not making any progress.  Then I read the devotional for day one in Priscilla Schirer's new 90 day devotional called Awaken.  It's called Morning.  She was talking about how the heat of the day's trials can melt us in our tracks.  It causes our strength and our resolve to disappear. She compared our energy to the manna that God provided the Israelites.  They knew that they had to make the gathering of manna a priority in the morning before the sun melted it away.  If they faithfully gathered the manna first thing in the morning, they would have all that they needed to meet the day's needs.  If they didn't, they would struggle to survive the day and would have to wait until the next morning to get their daily bread.
 

This illustration made me realize that my priorities were wrong.  If I put my quiet time with God and my writing at the end of the day, the heat of the day would melt away all of my energy.  God and the things He has specifically asked me to do, needed to be a priority.  So now, I start my morning with my quiet time and then I set aside an hour for writing.  This allows me to do the things that matter most.  It has also made the writing easier as my mind is renewed and refreshed first thing in the morning.

Changing the structure of my day has not only changed the speed of my work on my book.  It has changed the amount of peace that I have throughout my day.   I'm no longer dealing with feeling bad at the end of the day for not accomplishing what I had set out to do. I end the day feeling proud that I've worked towards my goals.  My dear friend Jeanne has been preaching about a morning quiet time for as long as I can remember and seeing it compared to manna helped me to see why.

Is there something in your life that should be getting the priority of your morning?  Would life be a little easier if you re-aligned some things?  It's definitely worth looking into.

Whooah, I'm Half Way There

Today I reached a milestone that has been a long time coming.  Many years ago, the seed was planted in my heart to write a book.  Over the years, I have had hundreds of people say to me, "Holly, you should write a book."  I've always just laughed it off.  I knew that I had some crazy stories to tell about my life but I didn't know the first thing about writing a book.

Towards the end of last year, my friend Anna was celebrating the anniversary of the finishing of her book.  I told her that in honor of her, I would start writing mine.  According to Anna, to officially start a book, you need to save a Word Doc with a working title and at least 3 sentences.  I wrote 700 words.  Then not another word after it until the end of May.  That's  when I realized that the only thing holding me back was fear.

God has shown me a glimpse of the path ahead for me and a lot of His plan relies on me begin obedient and writing this book.  I prayed about it, I cried about it.  I realized that I was just scared. So I leaned on the battle plan that my friend Andrea had helped me to put into place.  I increased my quiet time with the Lord and I reached out to my prayer warriors and asked them to storm the gates on my behalf.  

With that, I was able to move forward.  There have been a few hiccups along the way where my attempt to put words to things caused me some emotional distress.  It is one thing to share the story with a trusted friend and it is a whole other thing to write it in such a way that the reader feels like they are right there in the room with you.  More than anything, writing has been incredibly healing for me.

God has been with me through every word.  Friday morning, I was writing about the moment in 5th grade when the seed was planted in my heart that if God was truly a God who loved me, He would protect me. Since He wasn't protecting me, He must not love me. If God IS love and He wasn't loving me with His protection, than I must not be lovable.

While I was writing, trying to put into words exactly what it felt like at that moment to my 10 year old self, I began to weep. God was showing me the exact moment when that thought that has plagued me my entire life was planted into my heart.  As I was crying, I could feel the Lord whispering over me, I was right there, I was right there, I was right there. I know you couldn't see me in the midst of the pain Holly, but I never left you, I was right there.

I finished writing the paragraph and I hit save as it was time for me to clock in for work. I closed the file and at that moment, I received a text from a dear friend of mine who lives 1300 miles away. The text was a link to a sermon that she had just watched that she thought I needed to listen to. You guys....when I saw the title of the sermon, the tears came again. The Sermon was titled, "It's Not What It Looks Like: He's With You Always." God is so incredibly good to love us the way He does.

Today, I hit the halfway mark.  My friend Anna told me that the average book is about 50,000 words and today I passed 25,000.  I am proud of the work that I have put in to getting my story out of my head and onto paper.  It is a story of abandonment, abuse, generational curses, grief, loss, forgiveness, and redemption.  I can't wait to finish it.  

People keep asking me what's going to happen next.  Will I self-publish my book or will I try to find a publisher?  Honestly, I've tried not to think too much about it.  I've been learning over the past few years not to try to finish God's sentences.  I am trying to focus on the next right thing that God has asked me to do, knowing that He will make the connections for His will to be carried out.  No matter what that looks like. 

When I was back home, I talked to some friends about how I had asked God why it seemed like every time that I thought I could see the finish line,  He moved the target.  God had let me know that it was because He didn't want me to be striving towards a goal instead of living for today.  My friend Jennie piped up and said, "I don't think we are meant to know where the finish line is, we are just supposed to run the best possible race."  As I finish out the next 25,000 words, my prayer is that

God would give me the words to effectively bring the new good news of His grace.  Will you join me in that prayer as I continue on my journey?

Who Has He Proven Himself to Be?

I am a fan of Facebook.  I have been using it to keep up or catch up with friends for almost 9 years.  It has been a lifesaver to me after moving 1300 miles away from everyone I love.  I don't feel like I am completely missing out.   When I have prayer needs or a funny story to share, I can share it with the masses with one post.  There are a lot of good things about social media, but not all things are good.

I am a member of several groups on Facebook.  In one particular group, there was a misunderstanding about the actions that one of the figureheads of the group had taken. We will call her Sally.   Sally was posting things on her own social media that didn't line up with what we knew to be true based on conversations she had been having with those in the group.  It had appeared that Sally had intentionally lied to the group for her own personal gain.  It started with one person who noticed the discrepancy and they posted it in the group.  Then someone else commented on it saying that Sally was acting shady and something wasn't lining up.  It was a like a wildfire.  Within a matter of hours, accusations were being flung back and forth and the very character of this woman was being called into question over and over again.  There was no giving Sally the benefit of the doubt. People were demanding answers.

I sat back and watched this happening. I completely understood why all of these ladies were feeling hurt and betrayed based on what we were seeing but something wasn't sitting right with me.  By all appearances, we had been betrayed, but that betrayal didn't line up with who Sally had already proven herself to be.

We all know some people in our worlds who can pull off some pretty shady stuff.  When they act out or do something hurtful, we aren't really surprised.  They have a history of flying off the handle, or putting their needs before everyone else, or doing things to hurt others.  That wasn't the case with Sally.  Sally was someone we considered a friend.  Sally has always been genuine and authentic, sharing her heart with others.  Time and time again she has done the right thing, even in situations where it was going to cost her dearly.  She has personally loved on a number of us in the group and given us wisdom and guidance through her words.  So what I was seeing unfold before me just didn't make any sense.

I jumped into the middle of the group chat and mentioned that I was sure that Sally didn't intentionally do the things that she was being accused of and that Sally would be devastated when she got on-line and realize how much she had unintentionally hurt everyone.   I explained that I could understand why everyone had felt betrayed.  Even I wanted to know why everything had gone down the way that it did.  However, with no actual information and only what had been posted on social media, I reminded them of the importance of focusing on who Sally had already proven herself to be to us.

Now, you might think this blog post is about how things are so easily misinterpreted through social media, texts, emails and how nothing beats a good face to face communication.  While this is true, you would be wrong.  This is a blog post about how God hit me right upside the head with my own words.  He likes to do that to me from time to time.

As I was driving back to Florida, I was thinking about how quickly everyone in the group turned on Sally.  By the way, Sally was devastated.  It was all a misunderstanding.  Sally has apologized to the group numerous times and we are all back to loving each other again.  Anyway, I was thinking about how with one little action that didn't line up with what they thought should be happening, they turned against Sally and called into question the very nature of who she is.  I was driving and thinking about how glad I was that I didn't jump on that bandwagon.  I was feeling pretty prideful.  How many know that God can humble us very quickly?    God whispered every so gently to my soul, "How is that any different than the way you treat me?"  Ouch!!

God began to reveal to me how time and time again when things don't work out the way that I think they should, that one of my first reactions is to call into question the very nature of God.  He is so mean for allowing this to happen to me.  God must not love me or He wouldn't allow me to suffer this way. He doesn't care about me or He wouldn't ask me to do this hard thing.  I turn on Him so quickly.  I don't wait for clarity or an explanation.  I don't give God the chance to show me things from His perspective.

I need to be able to give God the same grace that I gave Sally.  When something doesn't look right and all appearances would have me believe that God is not looking out for me, I need to rely on who He has already proven Himself to be.  He has proven that He loves me, unconditionally.  Even when I pull away from Him, He works to woo me back.  To bring me in close so He can comfort me and heal me.  He encourages me.  He gives me the strength to keep going when I think the pain of something is too much.  He consistently works things out for my good in a way that I know it could have only come from God.  He is faithful to me.  To paraphrase Max Lucado, God has proven himself, now it's my job to trust Him.  May I never forget it.

How Have You Decided To Be With Him?

Well hello there!  Did you miss me?  I've missed writing in my blog.  Life has been such a busy whirlwind since I came back from Anna's book launch in Dallas that I haven't had time to get my thoughts into words.  If you don't know what book launch I'm talking about, read the post just before this one.

Back in early April, I had a conversation with a friend back home about some things going on in my world and I was telling her about how I didn't feel like I could share it with a lot of people because they wouldn't understand.  I told her how the conversation could get messy and I was afraid that trying to explain things would just be too hard.  In the same breath, I was explaining to my friend that it was super hard not being able to share and it made me feel lonely.  My friend talked with me for quite some time and I left the talk feeling much better.  The next day, my friend sent me an email that profoundly impacted me.  With her permission, I would like to share some of what she said.

She was explaining the concept of "equanimity" to me.  It is a concept she is learning in a Buddhism class she is taking.  Her favorite way it has been described to her is as follows:

We have these eight "worldly winds" blowing in our minds (pleasure, pain, gain, loss, praise, blame, fame, shame) and equanimity is the protection from the winds.  They describe a mountain's experience of rain and snow - it isn't that you don't feel the wind and snow, it isn't that you try to stop the rain, it's that you remain unmoved by them.  You're not going to be kicked around or run around in circles every time the wind blows- you maintain a bigger perspective that helps you think clearly and do the right things in life, in spite of the weather of the day.

When I first read that paragraph, all I could think was that I want to be that mountain.  Feeling the wind, snow, and rain but standing unmoved.  Unmoved, in spite of the weather of the day.  It reminded me of the following Pema Chodron quote:

I can stand unmovable, unshakable when I remember that God is the sky.  Everything else is just what life throws at me.  It is the uncontrollable force of nature and I can choose to be knocked down in the wind or I can choose to stand on the truth of who I am and whose I am.    That wasn't really the message she was trying to share with me though. It was just so good that I thought I should share it with you too. 

She went on to talk about an exercise that caused her to take a look at some of the relationships in her life.  The exercise called for her to visualize a pure friend, a pure enemy, and a complete stranger.  She was to think about her feelings for each person and then think about how each person could become any of the other people.  Friends can become enemies, strangers can become friends, etc.  She talked about how I am a friend that is not evenly swirled.  I stand firmly in the friend category.  It was her explanation of why that is, that impacted me so deeply.

"I think the reason you more clearly represent one thing to me is because of how I have decided to be with you.  I told you in the beginning that if you were looking for something other than my friendship - if you're leading me to Jesus - you're going to be disappointed.  You responded with such respect and clear thinking that it made it...ok to be myself.  You're friend because of who you are and because of who I have decided to be with you.

So I was thinking that your hesitation in talking to your friends makes sense because it could get messy and now might not be the right time.....but it's out of line with your posture, this isn't the body language you keep with people you bring into your life, and you need to find some way to stand more confidently in your life with the people you love - Holly, I know what's it like to be around you - I'm confident that you actually have far more love than you realize.   

I think your fear of your friends may have more to with your decision of who to be toward them than the feelings they hold in their hearts."

There are absolutely no words for how much my friend's words spoke to my heart.  I was so honored that she can see pure friendship in her relationship with me.  I always want people to feel like they can be their true authentic self with me.  I so needed to be reminded that the way that I was handling the situation was completely out of line with my character.  I am glad she wasn't afraid to call me out on the things she was seeing in my behavior.   I prayed over her comments.  I asked the Lord to show me where I was choosing to be something other than my authentic self.  I  made some phone calls, sent some texts, and kicked off an email or two to some of my closest friends because the truth is, I know who loves me.  I just needed to be reminded.

God showed me not only where I was walking in fear in my relationships with other people but He also caused me to look at how I was choosing to be with Him.  God has been showing me over and over again how much He loves me.  He has been asking for more of my time.  He has been showing me so very clearly how He is putting connections in place for me to be able to fulfill the desires of my heart.  He has been lavishing His love on me and I have been standing back, pretending like I don't need it and don't want it.  I have been playing hard to get.  Not on purpose, it's just how I've chosen to be with Him.  Protective..guarded...afraid.  What if I receive this love He is pouring out and then He breaks my heart?  I have learned over the years that love hurts.  He is patiently and gently convincing me that His love doesn't hurt...it heals.  

Ever so slowly, I am shifting the way that I choose to be towards Him.  I no longer want to be standoffish towards Him.  I want to climb up in His lap and let Him comfort me.  I want to surrender to the things He is asking me to do, willingly, and not fight Him every step of the way.  I want to trust that He knows what's best for me and will direct my steps, if I will just listen.  I want to quit pretending that I don't hear Him when He is specifically asking things of me.  I want to change the way that I've been towards Him.  

I thought maybe some of you might need to consider my friend's very thoughtful words.  How have you decided to be with your friends, with your family, with God?  Are you pretending to be strong when you are feeling weak?  Are you pretending you are okay when you're really not?  Are you pretending that you can handle life on your own?  Ask God to show you where your behavior is out of line with the person that God has created you to be.  You might just be surprised at what you find out.  

He Sees The Whole Parade

Have ya'll ever seen this picture?

I feel like this picture sums up my relationship with God over the past several years.  You see, I gave my life to Christ back in 1998.  I started reading my bible, and studying His word.  I started doing "Christian" things.  I stopped doing all of the things that Christians don't do.  I started "acting" like a Christian.  

From that moment on, God has been in a relentless pursuit to have all of me.  In between 2006 and 2009, God used some amazing people in my church to help me begin to see that there was a HUGE difference between giving my life to God and inviting Him into mine.  I no longer wanted to "act" like a Christian, I wanted to be one. I wanted a deeper relationship with Christ.  I began to seek God's will in every aspect of my day to day life.

I have learned that seeking God's will is pretty easy to do when God is busy blessing your face off.  When He is orchestrating every move of your career and shooting you up the corporate ladder so fast that it's like you have a jet pack strapped to your back.  It is pretty easy to seek God's will when God is blessing you with deep friendships that speak life to you.  It is pretty easy when you have all of the money you need to live a comfortable life.  When giving to those in need costs you nothing.

In relation to the picture above, it was like God had already given me the giant teddy bear.  For the past few years, it has felt like the picture above is backwards.  It has felt like God is trying to take away my big teddy bear and give me something less.  It totally makes sense that it would feel that way.  God asked me to give up the corporate life, and showed me the job He had for me.  I am now in a job making less than I was making right out of high school.  

I think one of the reasons that the picture has felt backwards is because I haven't willingly given Him any of it.  He began showing me several years ago, even before moving to Florida, that the corporate life was never going to satisfy my soul.  He asked me to give it up.  He said, "Just trust me."  I said, "But I love it, God.  I love feeling important.  I love traveling around the world. I love having enough money to do whatever I want."  So, He let me keep my little teddy bear....for a while. Until it almost destroyed me.....and then God, very gently, pried that teddy bear right out of my hands by way of a layoff.  God really does know us well.  Not only did I get laid off but I got laid off right before a spine surgery with a three month recovery period.  This took away any chance I had to jump right back into a  corporate job.  It provided the time that He was going to need to work on my heart, and my pride. 

God simply refused to let me hang on to the things that I thought I wanted.  It would have been so much easier if I would've just given it to Him but I just couldn't.  I didn't trust that what He had planned for me was going to be so much better.  I didn't have the faith to see the HUGE teddy bear behind His back.  The truth is, I still can't see it...but I know it's there.  I am learning to trust Him.  I am learning that He loves me.  I am learning that He can see much more than I can from where I'm standing. 

Is there something in your life that God is asking you to hand to Him?  Is there a job He is asking you to leave?  Is there a friendship He is asking you to lay down at His feet?  Is there a resentment that you are clinging to?  Is there a hurt you won't give Him?   Whatever it is friend, please trust Him with it.  He has better things in store for you.

After all, He sees the whole parade.    (song by Go Fish)

Anna LeBaron and The Polygamist's Daughter

Leanna and I have arrived in Dallas. It takes something big for us to use our budgetary dollars to travel some place other than  home to see the kids, a trip to a lighthouse, or a beach somewhere.  So why Dallas?  We are off to celebrate my friend Anna's book launch.  Anna's book, The Polygamist's Daughter officially releases on March 21st but we are having a party to celebrate on Saturday night.

I could write a huge blog post about why you should purchase The Polygamist's Daughter.  I could tell about how reading Anna's words was both gut-wrenching and healing for me.  I could write about how Anna faced things that other people couldn't even imagine and lived to tell about it.  I could write about how God captured Anna's heart and how He has redeemed all that she has been through.  I could write about the long journey of healing that Anna has begun to walk.  I could write about all of those things, but I would much prefer to just write about Anna.

How did I come to care enough about Anna to spend my hard earned money to fly out and celebrate her success?  It all started with a blog post that she wrote.  I am not sure how I stumbled across it.  Perhaps a friend of a friend had commented on it or maybe God knew that I needed to see it so He worked it out for it to appear in my FB feed.  You should read the blog post before continuing to read the rest of my post.  You can read it by clicking here.

Anna's blog post intrigued me for several reasons.  First of all, God is the master of coincidence.  It could only be God that orchestrated all of the things that caused Ruth and Anna to connect. I mean, can you imagine?? Second, I loved Anna's heart and her willingness to be obedient to what God was calling her to do.  She was willing to champion other first time authors even when she was likely frustrated with the "waiting" that she was experiencing with her own book.

I was so intrigued that I ended up joining #the4500launches and then joined the launch team for The Sound of Gravel.  What many don't know is that at about the same time, God had been rekindling a fire that He had put in my heart several years ago.  I will go into more detail about that in another blog post but it had to do with me writing my blog on a more consistent basis, writing a book about how God really can bring beauty from ashes, and for me to start sharing some of my story with groups of women.  I want to do those things, but also, I've been a bit scared.  When God lit that fire in me again, I remember explaining to God about how I don't have those types of connections in the world.  I don't know anything about writing a book, or blogging, or being a public speaker.  God very gently said, "Just do what I've asked of you Holly, I am already working on your behalf.  I will make all of the connections you need.  You just need to be obedient."

I could pretend that I've done all of the things that God has asked me to do, but the truth is, I haven't.  I had let fear get in the way of obedience.  Fear that the words I would write in  my blog post would come across wrong.  Fear that I wouldn't be able to honor my family in the way that I write my book.  Fear that I would have nothing to share from the stage.  God has been working with me to learn how to trust Him.  One of the ways He has helped me with my fears is to allow me the privilege of watching Anna walk out her dreams.

Anna's book was so beautifully written.  While it tells some hard truths about things that Anna experienced in her past, there was never a time where she dishonored her family.  After she finished her book, she went to visit her Mom and read it to her.  That couldn't have been easy, but Anna did it with such grace.  She has been travelling around sharing her story and participating in interviews about her book.  She isn't just promoting her book, she is willingly sharing the hard things in hopes that others can see that healing and redemption are possible.  She has been so brave with the telling of her story.

If you met Anna and didn't know her story, you would never guess that she came from anything but a loving, nurturing family.  I watch Anna in the #the4500launches group and she is always pouring God's love out on people.  She handles each person with such care and such concern.  I had told her that in honor of the three year anniversary of her starting the writing of her book, I was going to start mine.  She could've just given it a like and gone on her way, but she took the time to let me know that I could just put a working title together, write at least three sentences, and then I could officially say that I had started writing my book.  That was so encouraging, so that's exactly what I did.

Being a part of the #the4500launches has been a huge blessing to me.  I have been a part of numerous book launches and have been given a sneak peek at the process of promoting books.  A group of us bloggers have spun off our own group called #the4500blogs where we promote each other and hold each other accountable.  I am building friendships, learning things about how to be a better writer, and stretching outside my comfort zone.

When Anna invited the launch team down to Dallas for her book launch celebration, I took some time to pray about whether we should go or not.  It was during that time that God gently reminded me about how He has been working on helping me make connections to carry out the things that He has called me to do.  He clearly showed me that Anna was a key connection, not because of doors she could open but because of the example she has set out for those following behind her.   He also revealed to me that just like Anna, my focus needs to be on promoting, encouraging, and uplifting other people while I patiently wait my turn.  As I wait, He is healing up things in my heart and in my life that aren't in line with His plans for my future.

Anna, I pray that your book reaches all the way to the ends of the earth and that everyone will get a chance to read/hear your story.  I pray that it touches wounded hearts, in the same way that it has touched mine.  I pray that it spurs others on to a place of healing.  Getting to know you and reading your book has changed me, for the better.  I am keeping an eye out for those people that cross my path who need an "Estella" to advocate for them.  I am looking for people that I can be a "Diane" to and encourage them to find the healing they need.  Most importantly, I am no longer afraid of what God has in store for me.  Your courage has inspired me to be brave.  Thank you Anna, for allowing God to do amazing things through you and your story.  I am so excited for you!!  Congratulations.

If you want to know more about Anna's story, she has done several interviews. I will link some of them below.  Please, please, please buy this book or encourage your local library to buy it for you.

The Shaun Tabatt Show

Stories of Unfolding Grace

41 Strong Podcast

What It Means To Be Beautiful

I am currently working through a Beth Moore Bible Study called Breaking Free.  Last week's homework was about the childhood girlish dreams that we had.  She mentioned several things that weren't actually childhood dreams of mine, like being a bride or having children.  She also talked about how girls dream about being beautiful.

I have thought a lot about the term beautiful over the last few months.  I see so many posts on Facebook that talk about women who desire to be beautiful.  They talk about how they need to get new clothes, or try this new makeup, or how they need to lose weight.  Even Beth Moore in her study talks about how women are naturally insecure about how they look.

I have never fit the mold of what society considers to be a beautiful girl.  I don't wear makeup.   I rarely put on fancy clothes, and by fancy I mean slacks and a nice shirt.  I don't have the ability or desire to accessorize.  I have a few extra pounds around the waist. I don't own a blow dryer or a curling iron, nor do I want to, and I truly believe that a pony-tail is a hair style.  There are many people in the world who would look at me and beautiful would be the farthest thing from their thoughts.  When I stand in front of the mirror, I don't see pretty reflected back at me but I do see beautiful.

Do you know what I see when I look in the mirror that helps me to understand how beautiful I am? I see gray hair.  This means that I have lived a good number of years, even when I didn't want to sometimes.  I see blue eyes that have seen things more horrific than anyone should ever have to see and yet I've survived.  I see wrinkles and laugh lines from years of sending smiles out into the world, hoping to get a smile in return. I often see someone who looks like she has just gone through a battle, because often I have.  It just means that I am not afraid to keep on fighting for chains to be broken in me and in the lives of others.

I hope when people look my way, they also see those traits in me.  I hope when they look at me, they see the light and love of Jesus shining out of me.  I hope they see the beauty of a person who is not without fault, but constantly fighting to send love out into the world.  I know that this is the beauty that I look for, and often see in others.  Physical appearance is a mere shadow to the beauty that radiates out of a person.

I think Glennon Doyle Melton said it best when she described beauty in her book, The Love Warrior. She was explaining the concept of beautiful to her daughters.

"You two will meet plenty of people who are pretty but haven't yet learned how to be beautiful.  They will have the right look for the times, but they will not glow.  Beautiful women glow.  When you are with a beautiful woman you might not notice her hair or skin or body or clothes, because you'll be distracted by the way she makes you feel.  She will be so full of beauty that you will feel some of it overflow onto you.  You'll feel warm and safe and curious around her. Her eyes will twinkle a little and she'll look at you really closely- because beautiful, wise women know that the quickest way to fill up with beauty is to soak in another human being.  Other people are beauty, beauty, beauty.  The most beautiful women take their time with other people.  They are filling up.

Women who are concerned with being pretty think about what they look like, but women who are concerned with being beautiful think about what they are looking at.  They are taking it all in.  They are taking in the whole beautiful world and making all that beauty theirs to give away to others."

I remember when I first read this, I thought "Yes....this....this is the kind of beautiful that I long to be."  God has truly blessed  me by surrounding me with truly beautiful people.  They come in all shapes, sizes, and appearances but they are so beautiful.  Take a look at those around you, who are the most beautiful people that you know?  Who are the people that take their time with you?  Who are the ones that take in everything around them and look for ways to overflow their beauty onto the situation? Have you told them lately that you think they are beautiful?  Perhaps you should.

Don't Deny Me The Chance

When I was back home in KC in January, I received a text from my friend Jean letting me know that our friend Angie was in the hospital.  That she had been battling cancer.  I responded to her that God's timing was amazing and it just so happened that I was in KC.  I thanked her for letting me know so that I could go up to the hospital to see my friend.  

When I walked into Angie's hospital room, I was shocked to see her.  Even though Jean had warned me that she wasn't going to look or sound like my Angie, I couldn't get over how different she looked.  I think the thing that made it so shocking is that Angie is one of the people that I always tried to see on my trips home.  We hadn't been able to catch up when I was back in October but we had shared a "Girl's Night Out" meal when I was back in June.  So it isn't like I hadn't seen her in a long time. 

I looked at my sweet friend and said, "What in the world Ang?" She started to tell me about how she had been diagnosed with breast cancer last January and I was like "Wait, stop.....what?!?!?   So this means that you were already battling cancer when I saw you???"  She admitted that she was already sick and just didn't tell anyone.  She didn't want to burden anyone with worrying about her.  I about came unhinged.  I told her that I could've been praying.  I was so frustrated that she had chosen not to share it with us.  We lost Angie on Friday and now I keep thinking "if I had only known."  

This is not the same kind of "if I had only known" that I felt when my brother was taken so suddenly from me.  You know the one.  I would have told him I loved him more.  I would have spent more time with him.  I wouldn't have said some of the things I said to him.  I would have hugged him one last time.  The truth is, my brother's death taught me to prioritize those things already.  Angie knew how amazing I thought she was.   Angie knew that she was someone who mattered in my life.  I squeezed Angie extra tight and told her how much I loved her every time we got the chance to catch up.  

If I had only known what Angie was going through, I could have sent her funny cards in the mail to make her laugh.  I could have sent her encouraging texts to let her know that she wasn't fighting the battle alone.  I could've had an army of prayer warriors storming the gates on her behalf.  I could've sent flowers from time to time just to make her smile.  I could've made her a CD of songs that might lift her spirits.  If I had only known, there would have been any number of things that I could've done to make the walk just a little bit easier or lighter for her and it would have been my honor and privilege to do it.

I can't begin to tell you how many times someone has said to me, "I didn't want to bother you with it because I know you have so much going on."  What I want everyone to understand is that sharing your burden with me doesn't add to my load, it just makes it lighter for you. Sharing your burden with me helps me to fix my focus on something other than my own struggles.  Sharing your burden with me, gives me the opportunity to do exactly what God has created me to do, to pour His love out on you. Please don't deny me the chance.  

Great Love Brings Deep Grief

At the very first Women's Retreat that I attended with Desperation Church, one of the ice breaker questions was, "What is one topic that you feel qualified to teach a class on?"  We went around the table and someone said quilting, another person said yoga, and when it got to me, my answer was grief.  I think it was an unexpected answer to the women at the table and one they admitted they didn't want to be qualified to teach.

My first loss was my step-dad who died when I was 15 to a long hard battle against cancer.    Just a short month later, we lost my Great Grandpa Holly (yes, the one I'm named after) to a long hard fight again cancer as well.  The losses in my life have come at regular intervals since then.  Sometimes I'll get lucky and go a year or two without losing someone I care about.  I have attended more funerals than I care to sit here and count.  I have lost Grandparents, co-workers, friends, family, family friends, my dad, my friends' dads.  Some in their 20's, some in their 30's, some who had a super long life.  Some were expected, and some absolutely took our breath away.

The loss I want to talk about  today, is the loss that I suffered at the age of 22, exactly 19 years ago today.  This was the loss that taught me, and continues to teach me, everything that I never wanted to know about grief.  My oldest brother, who had been my very best friend for my entire life, died in a car accident at the age of 26, right before my very eyes.  I will spare you the details of the anguish and torment that was a constant companion for the year following his death.  I poured myself into the bottle to numb it all away but every time I would sober up, the deep loss was there.  I couldn't sleep, I could barely breathe.  I didn't want to live and the only thing that kept me marching on was the promise that I had made to my brother the night before he died.  If you don't know the story, I wrote about part of it here.

In the midst of my great sadness, God captured my heart.  He met me right where I was in the darkest place I'd ever been and He let me bring every hard memory and minute of heartbreak to Him.  He was everything that I never knew I needed.  God started to slowly show me  that I could honor my brother by the way I lived my life.  He was such a kind, caring, and loving guy.  His laugh would fill a room.  He loved kids, especially his own.  I knew that he wouldn't want me to get stuck in my grief...he would want me to love like he did.  Laugh like he did.  So that's what I got busy doing.   I've been told I have a contagious smile and every time I smile at someone and they smile back, I think of my brother.   I often wonder if he can see me from up in heaven.  I know that if he can, he would be proud of the life I've lived and the love that I've shared.

As anyone who has suffered a great loss knows, it really does get easier over time.  You go from crying every minute of every day, to several times a day, to several times a week, to a few times a month, to a couple of times a year.  The loss never goes away....EVER...but it does get easier.  One of my favorite quotes on grief is this one by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

There are quite a few people in my circle of friends who are grieving losses of their own.  I just want to remind them , we don't grieve things that we didn't love.  I found myself in tears the other day, seeing this date on the calendar.  I reached out to a friend and asked , "It's been 19 years...why does it still have to hurt this much??"  She replied with a reminder of the truth, "Because you love so deeply."   I do love deeply and if that means that I have to grieve deeply, then so be it.

Surrender, As Many Times As It Takes

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the word surrender lately.  Maybe it's because God has asked me to "walk life out" with Him by my side and I originally thought He meant walk in a figurative kind of way...but He really meant walk....like physically.  So every day at lunch, I put in my headphones, set my iPhone to shuffle through the 4,000 +  Christian/Worship songs I have, and I get to walking.

Over the course of the 35 miles that I've walked in February, I have heard a lot of songs shuffle past.  Some of them just pass right through my brain as background noise while God and I are talking about something.  Some of them I skip because I'm not even sure how they got on my phone in the first place.  Every once in a while, one of them makes me stop walking and hit rewind.  Okay...maybe not rewind...but start over...or whatever that back button is called.  I have found recently that the songs that talk about surrendering to God and giving Him all of us are the ones that are catching my ear.

So, as I'm walking, I keep saying to Him, "Lord, help me to lay it all at your feet. Every fear, every frustration, every heartache, every chain that is holding me captive, every relationship, every uncertainty, every ounce of all of me, help me to lay it all down and trust You with it."  I have said this often to Him over the last 28 days.  Almost daily.

Every time I surrender to Him, and give Him back the reigns of my life, the devil whispers in my ear, "Didn't you give it to him yesterday?  Obviously you are doing something wrong if you have to keep laying it down at his feet every day.  Maybe he can't be trusted with what you are laying down.  Why are you even bothering to lay it down if you are just going to pick it back up.  What a waste of time."
I used to listen to the lies of the enemy.  I stopped trusting God with my life.  I stopped believing that the way He was handling my life was what was best for me.    I stopped laying things down at His feet in surrender, because what was the point.  NOT ANYMORE!!

I am learning that it is okay that I have to surrender...every stinkin' day.  God doesn't need me to be perfect in my walk with Him.  He knows my heart.  He knows that I am chasing after Him.  He knows that I truly want what He wants in my life.  I am okay with imperfect progress.  Each day that I lay my life down at His feet, I find that I have just a little bit less to lay down, because I didn't pick it all up yesterday.  I left some of it there...with Him...trusting Him with a little bit more every day.

If you find yourself having to surrender control over your life to God every day.  You are in good company.  I don't know any one who doesn't have something to surrender.  Don't let the enemy convince you that God isn't pleased with your effort.

Should you be in need of some amazing songs about surrender, I will link to some of my favorites here.  If you have a favorite that I haven't included, please let me know.

Have It All - Bethel Music

I Surrender - Hillsong United

Finally I Surrender - Misty Edwards

Open Hands - Laura Story

Trust In You - Lauren Daigle

To the Table - Zach Williams

The Legacy Collective

Some of you know that Leanna and I are Founding Investors in the Legacy Collective.  When we first heard about it, we jumped on board quickly, and not just because becoming an Investor included an invite to Austin to rub shoulders with the Hatmakers (who are just as awesome in real life, to include their extended family).  We firmly believed in the things that  Legacy Collective wanted to accomplish.  Even when I lost my job and our income took a HUGE hit, we made it a priority to keep investing in the Legacy Collective and if you'll humor me, I'd like to tell you why.

A lot of different organizations have a need and then work to find the funding.  The Legacy Collective is a group of people who are pooling their money together and then finding something to fund.  There are several things that we focus on when choosing what to fund.  An organization that we choose to partner with should be tackling a systemic issue.   For instance, there are millions of orphans in Ethiopia.  The problem is that a great majority of those orphans actually have parents who love them and want to care for them but can't afford to take care of their basic needs, like food and shelter.  So instead of funding the orphanages, we work with the organizations who are finding those families who are on the verge of having to give up their kids, and working with them to find ways to continue to parent their children.That might look like education, economic development, or healthcare.  Consider it "Orphan Prevention".   We do our best to ensure that we are working with organizations who are getting to the root of the issue.

Another requirement is that the projects that we are funding are sustainable.  It won't do us any good to help an organization build a school if they don't have the funding coming in to keep the school running.   We will have just funded an empty building.  So we make sure that the organizations that we fund have a proven track record of sustainable funding.  We also ensure that they have strong local leadership who is working in partnership with the local governments.

The Legacy Collective mission statement sums it up nicely.  The Legacy Collective works to engage systemic problems related to social issues by resourcing what we believe to be the most innovative efforts and funding the most critical projects.  Having been part of the Legacy Collective from day one, I can tell you that I cry tears of joy every time one of our partner organizations shares with us how our contributions have made a tangible difference in the lives of so many people.

If you have made it this far, thank you for reading about the Legacy Collective.  Now, I want to tell you one of my favorite parts.  All of the projects that we fund are nominated by Partners and Investors in the collective.  Everyone gets to discuss the funded projects.  Each submission is carefully vetted to ensure that they meet our criteria and then the Investors collectively vote on which one to approve.  It is a group effort.  It is not one figurehead making all of the decisions.

The Legacy Collective launched into the world in August of 2015.  From then until December of 2016, we have been able to grant $782,342.30 to very worth organizations .  You can see the details of our partner grants by clicking here.  I am so proud to be a member of the Legacy Collective.  I think what I love most is that none of what he have accomplished happened because some wealthy person gave us a huge check.  We have been able to accomplish it by each person deciding to commit to whatever level they could afford.  There are three giving levels, $10 per month, $50 per month, and $250 per month.  You can find out about each level by clicking here.  That page will also show you how the funds are used.

It is no secret that the more people we can get on board with us, the larger our impact will be.  Would you consider joining us?  If you have any questions about the types of projects we've funded or what it is like to be part of the Collective, I would love to talk to you about it.  If you know of an amazing organization that fits our criteria and would like to talk to me about a project we might be able to help with, I'd love to hear from you.  If you join, please let me know that too!!

I Didn't Understand What My Job Was

One year ago today, I was sitting in my office busily working on a project that would streamline the complaint process for my company.  I had been told at the beginning of the week that the project was to be my top priority.  That should have been a red flag for me since my boss never told me what my priorities were.  My boss stuck her head in my office on that Friday afternoon and asked me if I had a minute to talk to her.  I jumped up and followed her into her office.  I sat down across from her and she starting arguing with me about a statement that I had made in a team meeting earlier in the week.  She wanted me to justify why I had said the things I did.  It was quite the heated discussion but she finally understood why I had said what I said.  Then the room became very quiet.  She hadn't dismissed me to leave but she wasn't really saying anything, so to ease the quiet, I asked her how the budget was coming along.  She said, "Not good, as a matter of fact, they want me to let you go, right now."  Yep, that was how I was told that I was losing my job.  I asked how the budget was coming along.

My very first thought was that I couldn't believe she was letting me go just three weeks before I was scheduled to have spine surgery.  My second thought was trying to figure out why she felt it necessary to argue with me for 45 minutes before I asked her about the budget.  I zoned out most of what she was saying as she tried to justify her decision.  It wasn't a surprise to me as the company was headed down hill, but it was a surprise that it happened when it did.

While the layoff didn't surprise me, there was one thing that did.  My reaction to it.   I wasn't prepared for how much of my identity was wrapped up in my job.  I had been in some type of management role for the past 16 years.  I had spent years building relationships while God had launched me up the corporate ladder.  It didn't really matter what I was managing, just that I was seen as a leader.  When I started looking for jobs again, I was searching for a leadership role.  I can't tell you how many resumes that I submitted.  Not one person called me back.  I felt lost.  Don't they know who I am?  Don't they know what an excellent leader that I can be?  If only they would give me an interview, they would understand what a perfect fit I would be for their position.

I never fully realized before that season in my life, how much society identifies people by their jobs.  Isn't it one of the first things that we ask when we meet a stranger?  What do you do for a living?  Where do you work?  What kind of job do you do?  I am not sure why these are the questions we start out with, but they are.  When you don't have a job and are actively looking, that is a hard question to answer.  God used that season to change my heart.

When God started leading me down a career path that looked completely different for me, it was terrifying.  I kept asking Him, "Don't you know that I have more experience than this job requires?"  "Why did you have me get a degree to take an entry level job?" "God, how am I supposed to bless people when you are taking away all of my income?"  God was so patient with me as I walked through discovering the answers to those questions.

What He showed me is that my identity needs to be grounded in Him.  I am first and foremost, His daughter.  He only wants what is best for me.  If that means working for a company of great people, who love God, and make a difference in the world, then okay.  My job is to love His people.  My job is to seek Him first in all things. My job is to make every single day count.  

Jesus said in John 6:38 "For I have come down from heaven, not to do my will, but to do the will of him who sent me."  If I am going to struggle with my job being my identity, may I always remember that my full-time forever job is to do the will of the One who created me.

I Was In Need Of A Good God Shaking

In case anyone was wondering, I do have a very real awareness that a lot of my blog posts lately have talked about hard times and struggles.  All of us experience a God shaking at one time or another in our lives.  I tend to write from my circumstances, and it just so happens that right now I am in a shaking season.  What do I mean by shaking season?  I can only speak for what it means to me as I think God can shake up people's lives for different reasons and in different ways.

I have not hidden the fact that our move to Florida did not turn out at all like we had expected.  I was looking forward to the perfect job, with a great boss who would mentor me and help me grow.  I was looking forward to going to the beach every weekend.  I was looking forward to the amazing Florida winters.....and I haven't been disappointed with this one.   I thought we were going to have a ton of visitors down here in our tropical paradise.  I thought we would find a church that would feed our spirit the way that DC did back home.  I thought I would make friends easily and be quickly surrounded by a new community here.  I had so many ideas on how I thought it was going to go and I couldn't have been more wrong.

As a result of my growing disappointment being fueled by unmet expectations, you could say I kinda checked out of life.  I quit trying to find a church. I quit making effort to go to the beach.  I quit reaching out to people.  I quit hoping that people would come down to visit.  I quit trying to find community.  I just quit living.  It wasn't a conscious decision, I simply got  tired of trying...and I quit.  I just started surviving.  I wasn't enjoying life or the people in it.  I got up every morning and went through the motions of the day and went to bed every night...only to repeat the "existing" the next day ...and the next.

Then I went home for our church's annual retreat and God shook my foundation which knocked down every wall that I had up.  Every wall that was protecting me from the outside world and the hurt and disappointment that came with it.    He began to show me that those walls weren't protecting me from anything, they were just keeping me from living, and more importantly, they were keeping me from Him.

So now....God is shaking me up.  It is almost like I can feel him grabbing my shoulders with His mighty hands and shaking me back and forth saying, "Wake up....don't you see....can't you see that I've been using this time to mold you and shape you into who I need you to be to carry out what I've called you to do??  Wake up!!  The world needs you fully alive.  I can't use you when you aren't fully living.  Wake up!!"

I don't know if anyone has ever grabbed a hold of you and shaken you like that.  It isn't pleasant.  It isn't pleasant to be forced to look around you and realize that you have been merely existing in a life that others would love to have.  It isn't fun to have God put a mirror in front of you to show you the areas of your life that aren't bringing Him glory.  It isn't fun, but it is so necessary.  God isn't shaking me to punish me.  God isn't condemning me and making me feel bad about myself, He is convicting me and helping me to grow into a better person.

So, my blog posts might be dark for a while as God works on digging out those things in me that are holding me captive and keeping me from living the abundant life that He has for me.  He loves me and He wants me to feel that love, every minute of every day.  Writing my blog helps me process those things that He is saying to me.   My hope is that my willingness to be open and honest with my struggles will help someone else know that it's okay to feel the way that they are feeling.  I think I have an incredible journey ahead of me and I hope that you'll continue to journey with me...even in the dark.

It Came To Pass

In honor of a friend of mine who is having surgery today, I want to write about her Mom's favorite scripture.   "It came to pass".  Now, that's not really a scripture in itself but it is mentioned in the King James version of the bible 453 times.  In the bible, "it came to pass" basically means "it happened".  That's not how my friend Lorrie's Mom thought about those words in the bible.  Lorrie's Mom used it at as a reminder that the trial that we might be facing didn't come to stay, it came to pass.  It won't last forever.  I love that.

That is such a good reminder for all of us.  Sometimes when we are in the middle of a hard season, we can begin to feel like the hard times are never going to end.  We start to feel like God has forsaken us.  That are we destined to live in that hard minute for the rest of our lives.  This simply isn't the case.  The trial will end and you will come out on the other end a different person.  How you are different is up to how you choose to handle the trial.  You can let it make you bitter or you can let it make you better.  I pray that you let it make you better..stronger..more full of faith. I pray that God burns more of His image in you, like I wrote about in this blogpost - When Our Dark Times are Only a Dark Room

It really does help to remember that "it came to pass" and that you will survive it.  The trick is to take it to the Lord and ask Him to help you through it.  Sometimes, we have to lay the hard thing at His feet a hundred times a day.  Don't beat yourself up if you have to keep taking it to Him.  He can handle it. He would rather hear about it a hundred times than for you to carry it alone.

 Ask Him to help you find the good that can come from the hard times. There is always good....in every situation.  Romans 8:28 says "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose."  If you can't find the good yet, don't despair, God will work it for your good, in His time.

If you are facing a hard season and I can pray for you, please send me a private message.  I'll be honored to pray for you.  If you are facing a hard season, keep your head up and your eyes focused on God and not the situation.  If you are facing a hard season, remember, it came to pass.